My Kind Of BPD

Is anybody else still out there? I'm still here, despite my fits and starts of disappearing. My laptop broke again, and I've been accessing the internet through my iPad and through a friend's laptop. My memory is no better, and so I forget about things that I usually keep tabbed (such as this blog, and Flight Rising, and Facebook...) when that happens.

Today I've been thinking about stigma, and how even those of us who fight it can still be vulnerable to it. In particular, I've been thinking about the stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder, and the ways in which I've bought into it without meaning to. Have you ever said, "I have BPD, but I'm not a typical Borderline", or something similar? I have, frequently. I seem to always be explaining to people that even though I have BPD, I'm not "that" kind of Borderline. Partly I want to be understood for the individual I am, rather than a stereotyped version of my disorder -- but mostly I'm trying to distance myself from everyone who is "that" kind of Borderline.

And every time I do that, I drive another nail into the stigma-coffin. Every time I say it, I may as well be screaming out that there is a "good" BPD and a "bad" BPD. There's not. There's just BPD, in varying degrees of intensity and with myriad presentations of symptoms. It's all the bad kind. It's all the good kind. It's all BPD.

Given that, maybe instead of rushing to defend myself by sticking that "bad" label on the people with different symptoms, I should quit telling people what my BPD isn't... and start talking about what my BPD is (bearing in mind, of course, that my comorbid disorders bleed into BPD and each other).

• My BPD is a lack of self stability that shows itself in an uncanny ability to unconsciously chameleon. By this, I mean that without intending to, I often change myself according to the people I'm around. This change will include everything from words and mannerisms to thoughts and even beliefs. It's never being sure of who I am, or if I really like the things I like. It's constantly wondering how others see me, and trying to create a self-view based around that, because it's the best I can do.
  
  
• My BPD is excessive self-monitoring and criticism. Everything I do comes under the deepest of scrutiny by my own mind. Was that too blunt, too subtle, too rude, too ineffective? Is that appropriate to do/say/ask? One thing is of particular concern since my diagnosis: "am I acting in a way that reinforces BPD stigma?"
  
  
• My BPD is interpersonal hypersensitivity. It's never knowing whether what I'm sensing from others is their stuff, or my own. It's misinterpreting others' emotions and needs as being my fault in almost every situation.
  
  
• My BPD is intense relationships. It's needing to be part of everything, to feel included. It's always following along, feeling like a sheep or a lost puppy. It's over-involvement in other peoples' lives until I think they're sick of me, whereupon it's backing off and hiding away.
  
  
• My BPD is a preoccupation with, and terror of, abandonment. It's weighing up constantly what I can say and do to not lose the people I love. It's always being the one to say sorry, to shoulder the weight of fixing anything that goes wrong. It's the unconscious chameleon behaviours to fit in, to belong. It's being afraid to eat in front of the people I care about until I've done it enough times to be sure I won't screw it up so badly they don't want to be around me. It's terror of my friends' friends, because there's a perception that the opinion of those peripherals will influence the opinion of the people I care about. It's needing to be part of everything, to feel included. It's being a doormat, because if I give everything I have and am, then people will maybe have reason to stay.
  
  
• My BPD is emotional hypersensitivy. It's feeling everything in an intense way - as though I'm the equivalent of a burn victim, my emotional skin gone and the nerves laid bare. It's knowing that people think I'm a drama queen because everything is so out of proportion, and still not being able to control or damp down that intensity. It's loving so strongly it wants to explode out of me, and it's hurting so deeply I can't bear the weight of my own heart.
  
  
• My BPD is difficulty recognising and managing my emotions. It's being so afraid of my own anger that I am only just beginning to feel it instead of automatically transmuting it to a different emotion. It's crying silently and fighting it the whole time, because it feels so wrong not to. It's fighting every emotion, trying to run and hide from them, and failing every time. It's being overwhelmed almost constantly because I don't even know for certain what I'm feeling.
  
  
• My BPD is an overabundance of anxiety and depression. It's everything I already covered under terror of abandonment & emotional hypersensitivy, and so much more besides. It's fear of being imperfect, fear of losing control. It's shame, and guilt, and the weight of clinical depression bearing down on my shoulders. It's fear of, and difficulty adjusting to, change.
  
  
• My BPD is impulsivity. It's acting in the moment, despite my intentions to follow a different plan. It's spending hours scrutinising myself, and then out of nowhere blurting out something utterly inappropriate. It's writing out a shopping list, then ignoring it and spending all my money on junk food and craft material instead. It's taking out something for dinner, then deciding at the last minute to eat something else, and doing it on a regular basis.
  
  
• My BPD is self destructive behaviours. Sometimes, it's suicide attempts because I don't want to be here anymore, because I'm done and I just want out. Most of the time, it's self harm, alcohol abuse, disordered eating. It's mixing uppers & downers because I know it messes with my body. It's over-eating, under-eating, and it's eating foods that will make me uncomfortable. It's giving up just when I get near to reaching my goals, and it's pressing on [emotional] sore spots. It's making decisions based on what will cause me the most amount of harm/pain, because all I really want to do is destroy myself.

My BPD is a disorder and a disability. It's not the good kind of BPD. It's not the bad kind of BPD. It's just my kind of BPD. What's your kind of BPD?

An Outpouring of Love

A few weeks ago I got it together and I spoke to a GP about changing my medication. After a short discussion, he agreed that it was for the best, even though the Paroxetine has been very helpful and effective.

If you've ever come off an antidepressant, especially one that was working quite well, you are probably smacking yourself in the forehead or at least giggling away to yourself, because you know what's coming. You're right.

I fell, surprisingly quickly, into a pretty bleak place. I needed all of my skills to keep my thoughts from running away from me, and even with that, I found myself crying a lot again. Sometimes over bigger things, sometimes over silly things. Still, I kept fighting and doing my best to use my skills and cope, if not constructively, then at least not destructively. And it worked, to a degree -- I wasn't destructive. I didn't fall back into my old patterns of self harm or drinking.

But still... thoughts and worries plagued me. Some things have been on my mind for more than a year, others that are more recent. Finally, after countless hours of writing and rewriting in my head what I wanted to say and yet also was terrified to say, I posted on facebook asking for the people who care about me to remind me that they do. I needed so badly to hear from someone other than just my self that I wasn't kidding myself, that there really were people out there who cared.

And my friends came through for me. Some of the messages left for me made me cry. Some of the messages left for me made me laugh. All of the messages left me in awe of knowing such a wonderful bunch of people.

In all honesty, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love people shared for/with me. Some people I haven't talked to in ages left a message telling me I still matter to them. Some people (from whom I particularly didn't expect it) told me they think of me at random or in certain situations. Some people, with whom I developed a friendship through the suicide of a mutual friend, reminded me that though distance makes things harder, hearts are still open.

Some people told me the things they love about me. Some people just quietly slipped in and left their love. Another of my friends, my Eeyah, wrote a lengthy message about how I am like "The Little Train That Could". I'm going to share this next bit of her message because she's absolutely hilarious as well as awesome.

"You've had a shitty life (I'm sorry, but you have!), life has not so much handed you lemons, but chopped down all the lemon bushes, made a bonfire and danced around it. And you're still fighting!"


I wish I knew how to show everyone who left a response how much it all meant to me, and how deeply grateful I am.

Chrysalis Stirring

Dear world,

I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.

I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.

I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.

Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.

I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.

I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.

I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.

And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.

Thank you,
Chrysalis.

Who deserves help? (Or: "You've just tried to braise a pork chop in the toaster")

The other day I came home from my session with my alcohol counsellor with a fair bit to think about. After a bit of mulling it over, I decided to ask a group of people what the term "coping" means to them. I got a large number of answers, but only one that I was really looking for - but it didn't match my definition of it, either. The question (and the answers) sparked a different conversation with a good friend, about who deserves help and when -- on, of course, a more personal note.

Some of the things that came up for me in this discussion were some issues/concerns and some beliefs I hold that I've been challenging without fully recognising:
I think coping is equal to feeling like there's a reason to keep living/fighting, not struggling all the time emotionally, and I think I believe that the only people who 'deserve' help are those who aren't coping.
I am scared that Mental Health are right and that if I just tried hard enough, I'd be able to pull myself together and build a life worth living in a much shorter time frame than I'm currently managing.
I get upset when my counsellor says I'm coping well because I don't fit my own definition of what coping is, and I use that definition as my "proof" that I can check on to see if I'm allowed to ask for help (such as by seeing a counsellor).

I decided the bigger part of the discussion stands pretty well on its own merit in the form it's already in, with a few edits for clarity, conciseness or just punctuation/grammar (not even sharing of IRC logs allows for completely rubbish grammar on my blog!). That said, I should probably warn you - don't read on an empty stomach! Someone was clearly hungry! ;)


F(riend): Let's say you and I are taking a cooking class. It's the final test, they've told us to cook this outrageously complicated meal and we have two hours. I'm buzzing along, I know exactly what I'm doing, I'm doing it all right, but I'm a bit slow. You suck. You can't tell your ass from your apples and you've just tried to braise a pork chop in the toaster. When the chef comes along, who should get more help?

M(e): Me. Or someone should take me out of the running!

F: Yes. I'm doing alright on my own and would benefit from some assistance and if I want it, I should get it, but you aren't doing well at all. You're so confused and overwhelmed that not only will you not get your braised pork chops with apples and onions out on time, you will probably deliver - late - grilled cheese. And have absolutely no idea how you did it.

(This is, truthfully, almost how I cook for real! Analogy and reality crossover!)

F: Clearly you didn't get the skills you needed in Chef school so you should probably go back and try again. Both of us, however, are better off than the third chef who has all her ingredients, all her pans and spoons and things prepared, plenty of help and plenty of time... and is sitting there filing her nails instead. She does not deserve help, in my opinion.

F: This analogy carries over. Anyone with any interest at all in improving, no matter where they're starting - from "almost an expert but needs a nudge" to "ass over breakfast", deserves to have assistance. Some of us need more than others, some of us GET more than others but it comes in the form of a troupe of angry 6 year olds who think they're gourmet Chefs - not very helpful and a bit baffling as to how they can manage to hurt your feelings so much they're just tetchy little midgets, but that's what happens when they send you to the primary school for cooking lessons.

F: It's not like you went in there incompetent and came out incompetent. You went in unable to even open the bag of bread for peanut butter and jelly, and now you're making French toast. But there's only so much you can learn from idiots.

F: It's unfortunate that you happened to be in a place where the help they offered you was provided by baboons in diapers, but
a) you did learn many, many things from them... you took what you were given and you made something useful, which says not much about them but hours and hours of things about you, and
b) they've treated you pretty poorly, which is unfortunate, and I wish I knew why, but it doesn't really matter. What they have to offer, you have gotten. Until they learn the right way to put the sausage in the pan, they can hardly teach you to make the rest of breakfast.


Ignoring the somewhat hostile (but quite amusing!) view she has of the mental health professionals that have been involved in the main part of my care, she made some very important points:
It doesn't matter what "level" you're at, if you need the help, you deserve it. I was able to learn things, and that's good, but not having learned everything there is to know about how to build a better life for myself doesn't mean I need to be beating myself up for it.



Challenges & Cheerleading:
Just because I fit my counsellor's definition of coping doesn't mean I don't deserve to ask for help.
It's okay to not be perfect.
I have equal worth to others.



What does coping mean to you? Does your definition change if you apply it universally (as opposed to self-application only)? What defines "need" in terms of asking for or receiving help? What are your thoughts on the analogy and the message behind it?

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Ten Things

It's taken all day, but this was so worth doing. On a forum I'm part of someone came up with the idea of putting together a list of ten things about ourselves that have nothing to do with our SA. I've taken it on board, and extended it to be 10 things not linked to my SA or the rest of the stuff in my past OR my mental illnesses. And, of course, in keeping with DD's theme, I've tried to keep them positive focused.


1. I love to wear odd socks, but I only like it if they are the same size & style and match in some way (eg, same pattern but different colours). This isn't because I want to stand out, or make a fashion statement, it's because I like variety and I enjoy wearing a coordinated rainbow.

2. Until I was in my early 20s I had never seen a giraffe (except in books/on TV). Seeing my first one made me fall so completely in love with them as a species that they are now my favourite animal beyond a doubt.

3. I love good poetry, it's like a warm sleeping bag I just want to climb inside and breathe in.

4. My higher power is love because I believe it's part of everything.

5. I like to use my imagination to create things, I have a strong streak of creativity that influences most things I do, and one of the ways I use it most is in crafts. I am not overly fussy about my medium but usually play at scrapbooking, card making, jewellery or the making of dream catchers.

6. I am a qualified childcare worker and I did that for five years before I had to leave the industry for a while. Despite everything, it was one of the best parts of my life and I hope to work with children again some day.

7. I have a very active sense of humour and I laugh a lot, generally even (perhaps even especially) when I'm having a hard time.

8. I love fantasy. I might be a grown up but I still believe in magic and faeries and I believe that even though they may not exist now, other so-called fantasy beings probably existed in some form.

9. I love deeply and well, with a lot of loyalty.

10. I like to look at things in a way that's a little out of the ordinary, and I like sharing that with people in the form of poetry or photography. I love taking photographs of unusual angles so much that I am willing to lie down under a bus seat in order to capture the beauty of a piece of broken glass glinting in the sun.


That was a lot harder than I expected, but I'm glad I did it. What are your ten things?

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Big Steps In Little Packages

I took a big step today. A huge step. It took guts. It took courage. It took willpower. It took three times walking in and walking right back out. It took distress tolerance skills and it took truckloads of self-talk and thought challenge... but today, I did something huge.

Today I walked through the doors of a church and attended my first ever Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I was, to be honest, not entirely with it. I was so overwhelmed that I wound up stressed, confused and dissociated, so approximately only a third of what was said actually translated into understandable sentences. But let me tell you something...

Denial is a funny thing. I decided I would go along because I 'knew' that if I went, I would be proved right. I would go along, I would listen to their stories and I would see that my drinking? Well, it's just not that bad. Nothing like what an alcoholic's drinking is.

I was going through the motions because I 'knew' I was right and if I could show my friends that I'd been to AA and it really wasn't that big a deal, then that would reassure them and everything would be fine.

I didn't count on relating to almost everything I heard. I didn't count on hearing their stories and seeing myself over and over again, hearing my thoughts in someone else's words.

I have a lot to process, a lot to think about, but I wanted to jot this down right here, right now. No matter what happens from here on out, I went to an AA meeting (even if my motives weren't entirely 'pure') and that took real courage; and that, my friends, is huge.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Stupid *Isn't* As Stupid Does

Intelligence/stupidity has been something that just keeps coming up for me, lately. I've had several conversations around the topic in the last couple of weeks, and they've all been really interesting with some big insights for me.

I've spent most of my life being told that I could do anything I wanted to do, be anything I wanted to be. I've also spent most of my life being told that I can't do anything, that I'm stupid and that I will never be good enough. Confusingly enough, many of the people giving me these messages were giving me both messages at the same time. Caught in my borderline black & white thinking, I interpreted this as "I am stupid" and "I will never be good enough" (with a side dose of messages such as "people will tell me I am smart so they feel better about the fact that I have nothing going for me"). Since I had an desperate need to please, I continued trying to prove that I could be smart for a long time. I continued trying to live up to the expectations that were in place, and I continued trying to prove that I could be good enough.

While I was still in this desperate to please state, I fell in love with a boy I considered very intelligent. He was charismatic, funny, good at numbers and figures, he knew a lot of things about a lot of things, and he was very sure of himself - so sure that every time I thought something was different to how he said, he would set about proving how wrong I was. I'm sure you all know where this is headed, but I didn't.

I started to have a breakdown. My doctor decided to remove me from my studies at University because I was too much of a suicide risk the way I was. It, at the time, fuelled the fire of self hate and doubt at my intelligence - how smart could I be if I had to be removed from Uni because I couldn't handle it?

The one good thing to come out of it was that since I had dropped out of Uni, most peoples' expectations on me disappeared. I was, more than ever, the family screw-up, but one they'd lost hope in. At least I'd married myself off and wouldn't need to leech off them...

By the time another year had passed, I had stopped trying to prove I was smart. What was the point? As far as I could tell, any intelligence I might once have had was long gone, probably had never existed at all. Eventually I even seemed to be actively trying to prove my lack of intelligence.

And by then, my view of myself as stupid had evolved into a many faceted thing. I was stupid because I couldn't think in the ways I used to be able to as a child. I was stupid because I wasn't good at numbers and figures. I was stupid because I had a poor memory. I was stupid because I'd made some unhealthy choices. I was stupid because I couldn't make connections I'd never been taught to make. I was stupid because I couldn't even finish University. I was stupid because I didn't get a better OP score in high school. I was stupid because I didn't think in the same ways as people I cared about thought in.

Not only that, but being 'stupid' filled some of my needs. Being stupid meant lower expectations on me. Being stupid meant I was humble. Being stupid meant I didn't get accused of getting above my station. Being stupid meant I wasn't a threat.

It got so that most people seemed to forget how smart I'd been. Many of the people in my life 'now' had never known the smart kid in school, which helped, and peoples' expectations of me were different. My best friend said to me the other day that nobody expected stupidity from me and that it wasn't how people thought of me - but she's only half right. A good proportion of people in my life really do think that I'm as thick as a couple of planks... but it's only because I've worked so hard to make them think that way.

I still remember saying something in DBT one day and the room went quiet. One woman, who hid behind her intelligence and rational thought as a form of avoidance, had the guts to say it: "Wow. You're actually really smart, aren't you? You hide it very well!"

Indeed, just the other day, in a chatroom I regularly visit, someone I've known as an acquaintance for years made the comment, "when did you get so wise?" and the truth is... I suppose I always have been. But I haven't been brave enough to let it show in years.

And, you know, for all that I've just outright admitted in this post that I am not so stupid after all, I still struggle to believe it most of the time. And as hard as it is to believe it, it's even harder to say it.

But guess what? I'm not stupid, and I'm really starting to show it again.


Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
All feelings are real and valid. All feelings will pass.
However I feel is okay.
Being different doesn't have to mean being wrong.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Trusting My Intuition

Intuition. Going with your gut. I wonder if that's a concept that others with Borderline Personality Disorder commonly struggle with, as well. I can see how it could be tied into various aspects of living with BPD; the lack of belief and trust in yourself, the lack of (knowledge of) a self to trust in... I can see that.

If you'll forgive my segue into something that may (at this point) seem completely unrelated, I remember once reading that people who have Borderline Personality Disorder are particularly sensitive to the moods of others. By that, I hasten to add, I don't mean in terms of the well known Borderline hypersensitivity to rejection; rather, in terms of recognising general emotions in others, and being able to identify when others are being false about their emotions. I wish I could find that article again because it was fairly interesting, even if, at the time, I disagreed with a lot of what was said. I mention it now because a recent situation in my life has given me cause to really ponder some of the ideas behind that.

You see, when I came back from Canberra, I sensed that things in my circle of friends weren't 'right'. Something felt off. I told myself that I was just being paranoid; that I was misinterpreting the situation and that I was being silly.

My friends started doing more and more things without me; things we had previously done together. I felt excluded, but I told myself that it was just that they had made the plans when I wasn't there, and just hadn't thought to let me know/invite me; or that they were preparing for my intended move; or that they were giving me time and space to prepare for the move.

When we did hang out, I felt waves of dislike coming from my friends, and especially from one friend in particular. I told myself over and over again that I was just projecting my own dislike for myself onto my friends. I told myself that they wouldn't invite me to hang out with them if they didn't like me, if they didn't want me there. I tried to talk over the top of the little voice in my head that suggested that maybe I was right, maybe something really was wrong in these friendships.

I spent three months in this daily fight with myself, trying to drown out that "unhelpful voice" that was telling me that something wasn't right. I wasted three months. Eventually, something happened and a conversation occurred between one of my friends and I. I told her how I had been feeling, she told me what had been going on. It turns out, you see, that I wasn't just paranoid. My initial thought, my recognition that something wasn't right, turned out to be spot on. Something really had been going on in my friendships, and I had wasted three months telling myself that my recognition of that was wrong, that it was the unhealthy and unhelpful voice of paranoia.

Things with some of that group of friends are back on track, now. They're not back where they used to be, but I'm more okay with how things are. That first friend I talked to, she apologised. I apologised. There were a lot of miscommunications; a lot of misunderstandings and, yes, plenty of mistakes... on both sides of the coin. And the day we started to talk about it, we both began to heal those wounds. It was not an easy day for either of us; but (and I speak here for myself, only, I cannot say whether these words ring true for any other people) I think it was certainly a worthwhile one.

I wouldn't wish for it to happen again, but there was value in that experience. I learned some very important things that I would not otherwise have learned yet.

Not only did I re-learn the importance of honesty and clear communication in my friendships, but I learned that my "unhealthy voice of paranoia" is my own intuition; insistent but unpracticed and generally unrecognised. I learned the importance of trusting that intuition and of acting on that in responsible ways.

I also learned that maybe there is something to the idea that, as someone with BPD, I might be more sensitive to mood changes in others. It makes sense, after all. As a child, my survival depended on being able to judge a situation or a person's mood, it makes sense that as an adult, I am still able to tap into that skill; however unintentionally or subconsciously I do it.

The trick, then, in understanding how such a concept might work, came in recognising for the first time that being able to detect changes in another person's mood, means just that. It doesn't mean I'll get it right every time; it doesn't mean there won't be misunderstandings. In fact, it is probably this sensitivity that leads to those misunderstandings, such as in the following scenario:

We are walking together and as we walk, we chatter. Suddenly, you see a car go past that reminds you of your ex-husband's car. Your mood drops.

I notice that your mood has changed, but I might decide that it's because I've said the wrong thing, or that you are wondering why you hang out with a loser like me. My intuition has recognised that change ... but my disordered thinking has misinterpreted the facts.

I can trust my intuition! It's necessary to remember not to blindly act on the specifics of it, but if I sense something change, if it's important, it's okay to trust my intuition and check in with the other person! In fact, it's more than important, it's downright essential.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Affirmations

I did something pretty scary today, but I'm too all over the place to write about that just now, so instead, here are some statements from the little affirmation-y type cards that my counsellor shared with me today.

* It is safe for me to speak up for myself.
* I stand on my own two feet. I accept and use my own power.

* I am not responsible for other people. We are all under the law of our own consciousness.
* It is no fun being a victim. I refuse to be helpless anymore. I claim my own power.

* Everyone in my life has something to teach me. We have a purpose in being together.
* As I change my thoughts, the world around me changes.

* Each day is a new opportunity. Yesterday is over and done. Today is the first day of my future.
* I know that old, negative patterns no longer limit me. I let them go with ease.

* I have the strength to remain calm in the face of change.
* I am in the process of making positive changes in all areas of my life.

* It does not matter what other people say or do. What matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself.
* I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax. My whole body calms down.

Taking A Look At My Choices

The last few weeks, and particularly last weekend, have been an uphill battle for me. In many ways, I can see how I am a world from where I was; in others I seem to be running headlong down the trail to where I was. I've made some good decisions that have worked out, some good decisions that haven't and some really phenomenally poor decisions (that, unsurprisingly, mostly didn't work out well). I'm learning that all of those are okay.

So, in the interests of being honest with myself on where the decisions I've made lately lie...

Healthy decisions/actions (whether or not they worked out in the way I had hoped):
Putting an online acquaintance on psuedo-ignore.
Not calling my father on his birthday.
Putting Serenity on to distract myself.
Going to Riverfire with some friends.
Working hard to do healthy things (like drinking lots of juice and having vitamin C tablets) to help my body heal faster.
Posting my regular "Sanguine ..." post, even though I think it was painfully obvious that I wasn't doing very well at the time.
Going in and talking to a social worker at Centrelink.
Asking the hospital if I could make my visits less frequent and get my nurse to do dressings in the meantime.
E-mailing a domestic violence place in Canberra about my options to gather information for when I move.
Getting my nurse to sort out a dressing and check out some things.
Having an apple and a banana instead of chocolate.


Unhealthy decisions/actions:
Calling my father on Father's Day.
Arranging to meet up with my ex husband so I could meet his daughter.
Not turning Serenity off after it became clear to me that it was extremely triggering.
Putting Law & Order SVU on after calling my father.
Reasoning that because I'd had an apple and a banana I didn't need breakfast or lunch.


Uncertain decisions:
Not talking to people about how I feel.
Not asking for support.

(I know these two seem to be clearly in the unhealthy decisions 'box' but due to circumstances I can't seem to word coherently, I'm not sure that applies in the instances this refers to. For example, if I know or should reasonably know that you haven't been trash-talking me, I don't think it's necessarily healthy for me to tell you I feel betrayed; or if someone else's support needs are higher than mine, it's not necessarily a healthy or fair decision for me to request support at that time.)


Having done this, I'm surprised there are so many healthy choices on the list! It's a nice surprise, though. I think I want to look in more detail about why I made the unhealthy choices I did. Some of them are easily explained ("I wanted to self destruct more than I wanted to get better" or "I'm feeling too lazy to be sensible") but things came of a couple of the things on that list that I want to explore in more detail. I think I'll make that my goal for this week. At the very least, it'll give me something to discuss with Carol!

I'm going to make one other goal for myself this week; and that is to do something related to moving house every day. Even if it's something small (like sending an e-mail or finishing some paperwork that needs to be done). I'll check in on Sanguine Saturday with how well I've gone with this one!


Cheer-leading statements:
My emotions are valid and acceptable. Even the ones I don't like!
It's okay to make healthy choices.
It's also okay to make unhealthy choices sometimes - they give me a chance to grow and learn.
My past doesn't have to define me. My present doesn't, either.
I'm not responsible for anyone's feelings or actions except my own.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Things To Remember Every Day

I stole this from a handout Carol gave me a few weeks ago. I think we can all do with reminding ourselves regularly of at least one thing on this list -- whether we are women or men.


What it means to be a woman:

* I have the right to be treated with dignity, compassion, and respect, at all times.

* I have the right to make my own decisions about the course of my life.

* I have the right to have dreams - and to work toward making these dreams come true.

* I have the right to feel good about myself as a person and as a woman.

* I have the right to choose who will be my friends, whom I will spend time with, and whom I will confide in.

* I have the right to make mistakes.

* I have the right to change my mind.

* I have the right to be happy.

* I have the right to ask for what I want.

* I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

* I have the right to express all of my feelings, bo9th positive and negative (in a respectful way).

* I have the right to say no.

* I have the right to determine my own priorities.

* I have the right not to be responsible for others' behaviour, actions, feelings, or problems.

* I have the right to my own needs and personal space and time.

* I have the right to be in a non-abusive relationship.

* I have the right to change and grow.

* I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

* I have the right to be uniquely myself.


Since this entire post is pretty much cheer-leading statements, I won't include those here, but if I post my homework later tonight, I'll include some separate cheer-leading statements there.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.