Sunday Sunshine - 9/8/15

Some of you may remember the old Sanguine Saturday posts I used to make. I decided to reinvent these as Sunday Sunshine, but with likely most of the same content. A weekly look at gratitudes, achievements and the like is probably something I need at the moment.

I'm grateful for...

• My heart family that is filled with wonderful people
• Having a free Netflix account
• Beach walks
• Coke Zero
• Having had a great night out with friends
• Books
• Dogs
• Also giraffes, cats, guinea pigs, monkeys, dolphins, and other mammals. Also non mammals. Just animals in general, really.
• Puns

Achievements:

• I walked from the street all the way into college all by myself.
  I've been brushing my teeth every day I've gone into college.
• I went out with friends -- this is a gratitude and an achievement because it was pretty scary, and there were some last minute changes that made my anxiety even worse.
• I knocked off another unit of study last week, which leaves me with one and a half (a prac and some related assignments that shouldn't take long) to finish before my next cluster opens on August 25.
• Even though I made a decision that didn't turn out very well, I was able to make better decisions in order to mitigate the negative effects.

Don't forget to challenge yourself by posting up some gratitudes and achievements of your own, and send me the link. I can't wait to see them!

Sanguine Sunday: A Look Back On January

I have been a busy girl lately, with lots going on in my life. Some good, some bad, some neither. This is a bit of a wrap up of what's going on here at the moment, what I'm involved in & what I've been up to (with links).

Sanguine Saturday has now moved to Sanguine Sunday and evolved (yes, again) a little. I admit, the new title is slightly less impressive in its alliteration, but makes up for it by being the very end of the week, and a perfect day to look back on what I'm achieving. I think, too, that rather than being a weekly look, I'm going to make it a monthly one.


* I've worked really hard on setting a couple of new routines that, while still not solid, are beginning to improve. [Health +1]

* Made it to a friend's 30th birthday party earlier in the month. It was terrifying, but also fun, and I had lots of practice talking to strangers. [Social +1, Emotional +1]

* Coffee (well, alright. Milkshake. And not the kind you get in the UK, either. A real, proper milkshake.) with my support worker once. Nervewracking and I didn't have to even order it. Next time I suspect we're stepping it up so that I do have to order myself. [Social +1, Emotional +1]

* Since my volunteer work with Peninsula Animal Aid, the nearest animal shelter to me, hasn't worked out due to the distance (among other things), I've begun volunteering over Facebook for an entirely volunteer run organisation that helps to reunite lost animals with their owners. If you're an Australian on facebook, take a look at Lost Pet Registers in Australia to find your local LPR. At the moment I'm coordinating/helping out on several pages in Queensland and New South Wales. [Social +1, Emotional +1]

* Poor old Sid, the car, has cracked it again, and requires yet more work. The mechanic's full up with vehicles at the moment, so we're still waiting to hear what's happening with that.

* Unfortunately, because the car's broken, I had to contact the man who was supposed to be selling me my puppy (30th birthday present), and he has sold her on to someone else. (Actually, the way he replied made it seem rather suspiciously like he was already planning to sell her out from underneath us!)

* A silver lining on not having been able to get 'my' puppy is that I was available to overnight foster a pup in an emergency situation, and it has reignited a spark in me for fostering. Without a car, getting my own dog isn't really much of an option, but some of the shelters etc here do offer transport for fostering, so after confirming with my housing guys, I've applied in several places. My first official foster dog, a Jack Russell cross Mini Foxie should arrive early next week and I'm very excited! [Social +1, Emotional +1]

* My deviantArt account, bloodawni, continues to grow, and I'm even beginning to make some friends on the site. Feel free to check it out and +watch me, fave something, or just leave a comment. If you have your own dA account, definitely share your link! [Social +1, Creativity +1]

* Since I'm participating in NaHaiWriMo, I went looking for a group collating entries together. Since there didn't appear to be such a group, I created one myself. If you're taking part, or if you just like haikus, please feel free to join or watch #NaHaiWriMo. [Social +1, Creativity +2]

* Over on From Another Angle, I've not done so well at regular photos, but I have at least made another entry, and have already worked out what to put up next week. [Social +1, Creativity +1]


(Social: 7
Emotional: 4
Health: 1
Creativity: 4)

Have a great Sunday, everyone!

Returning from the mists -- & a question re friendships

Hello world!

It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.

My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.

My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.

Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.

My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.

My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)

The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.

My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.

Conquering The Need To Please

Anybody who knows me at all, knows that I am, possibly above all other things, a people-pleaser. As a child, it was a necessary part of my survival - as an adult, it was, I believed, the only way I would ever be liked, let alone loved. So for a long time all of my value came from having others like me, from doing and being everything everyone else wanted me to be. I was a chameleon and I wore whatever skin I thought the other person wanted to see.

If (I thought) you wanted someone to listen, that's what I'd do. If (I thought) you wanted comfort, that's what I'd give. If (I thought) you wanted advice, I'd offer it. If (I thought) you wanted to hear you were wonderful, that's what I'd say. Everything came second to that need to please - everything. I would stay up all night to support an acquaintance; give money away to anybody who asked, if they said they needed it; drop everything for everyone.

And it worked. I had a knack for it. I was good at being what everyone else wanted me to be - too good. Somewhere in all of that, I lost who I was. I lost who I wanted me to be. I lost my substance, and all that was left was the need to please everybody else. And I was fine with that because, you see, most people did like me... to a point.

People loved that I would do anything for them. They valued that I would value them so much... but they, for the most part, didn't have a lot of respect for me. Why should they, when I so clearly had no respect for myself?

2008 was the beginning of a turning point. In 2008 I came face to face with the concept that although most (real life) people "liked" me, nobody actually particularly cared about or for me. I was everybody's friend, but nobody counted me as theirs; as far as they were concerned, I was a hanger-on, an amiable and pleasant caricature, but I was not and had never been, any more than that.

Even after I recognised that, though, I didn't connect the dots. I couldn't understand how everybody could like me so much and not actually like me. (If you're confused, perhaps thinking of it as the difference between an acquaintance and a friend may help.)

And even when I did connect the dots, when I finally made the link, I was too afraid to do anything about it. My entire worth as a person hung on whether others liked me; if I started trying to worry about how I felt about things, everyone would see that there was nothing worth liking in me. So I didn't change much. By this stage I'd agreed to do DBT because that was (I thought) what my case manager had wanted for me. I stayed because (I thought) that was what the group coordinator had wanted.

I dropped everything when (I thought) somebody wanted me to or believed they needed me to. Even as I recognised the re-emergence of my self, my needs, my wants... I put them aside for others. And generally not selectively, either; there was a level of hierarchy, but for the most part, anyone who (I thought) wanted something, got it.

And then... something changed. I don't know if it was gradual, sneaking up on me, or if it was fairly sudden, but I do know that something has changed.

I've started to speak out. I don't just tell people what (I think) they want to hear, these days. I tell the truth as I see it - I try to be compassionate and diplomatic about it, but I'm still learning how to balance that with being true to myself. I'm still learning what it means to have a self to be true to.

I'm interested in helping people, in offering more than a virtual snuggle; I want to challenge people because we cannot grow without challenge. I'm not interested in walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. I'm not interested anymore in putting aside everything I need, everything I want, everything I am, to please somebody else.

Unsurprisingly, I'm less liked now.

Surprisingly, I don't mind nearly as much as I thought I would. It still hurts a lot, and it's very hard, still, to say no to my desire to please someone else. I don't always choose to do it, even when I know I 'should'. It's a learning curve, and this is just the beginning of another journey.

I used to think the world would end if I upset others, if I put myself first, if I failed to please someone...

Let me tell you, the world hasn't ended.

Yes, I'm less 'popular' now, but I feel, in some ways, like I am much more loved. People I truly admire -- people who are imperfect but never give up; who are good, kind, thoughtful people who have learned or are learning to respect themselves and put themselves first sometimes; who understand the value of change and challenge; who aren't afraid to give and take -- have noticed the change in me, in a good way. I feel like I have earned something much more valuable to me than mass outward approval - I feel that I have earned, dare I say it?, the respect of people I look up to. And I have earned something else, somehow, too, because I discovered something when I realised how much I have changed.

Not only would I would much rather have the respect and love of five* of those people than be universally liked; I'd rather respect myself than be universally liked, too.

*(I just wanted to put a number here and since I prefer numbers to be in multiples of 5...)



Cheer-leading / Challenge Statements:
It's okay to be proud of myself.
I don't have to be perfect.
I'm an okay person, and choosing to look after myself and my needs first doesn't change that.
I'm not responsible for other peoples' emotions.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Trusting My Intuition

Intuition. Going with your gut. I wonder if that's a concept that others with Borderline Personality Disorder commonly struggle with, as well. I can see how it could be tied into various aspects of living with BPD; the lack of belief and trust in yourself, the lack of (knowledge of) a self to trust in... I can see that.

If you'll forgive my segue into something that may (at this point) seem completely unrelated, I remember once reading that people who have Borderline Personality Disorder are particularly sensitive to the moods of others. By that, I hasten to add, I don't mean in terms of the well known Borderline hypersensitivity to rejection; rather, in terms of recognising general emotions in others, and being able to identify when others are being false about their emotions. I wish I could find that article again because it was fairly interesting, even if, at the time, I disagreed with a lot of what was said. I mention it now because a recent situation in my life has given me cause to really ponder some of the ideas behind that.

You see, when I came back from Canberra, I sensed that things in my circle of friends weren't 'right'. Something felt off. I told myself that I was just being paranoid; that I was misinterpreting the situation and that I was being silly.

My friends started doing more and more things without me; things we had previously done together. I felt excluded, but I told myself that it was just that they had made the plans when I wasn't there, and just hadn't thought to let me know/invite me; or that they were preparing for my intended move; or that they were giving me time and space to prepare for the move.

When we did hang out, I felt waves of dislike coming from my friends, and especially from one friend in particular. I told myself over and over again that I was just projecting my own dislike for myself onto my friends. I told myself that they wouldn't invite me to hang out with them if they didn't like me, if they didn't want me there. I tried to talk over the top of the little voice in my head that suggested that maybe I was right, maybe something really was wrong in these friendships.

I spent three months in this daily fight with myself, trying to drown out that "unhelpful voice" that was telling me that something wasn't right. I wasted three months. Eventually, something happened and a conversation occurred between one of my friends and I. I told her how I had been feeling, she told me what had been going on. It turns out, you see, that I wasn't just paranoid. My initial thought, my recognition that something wasn't right, turned out to be spot on. Something really had been going on in my friendships, and I had wasted three months telling myself that my recognition of that was wrong, that it was the unhealthy and unhelpful voice of paranoia.

Things with some of that group of friends are back on track, now. They're not back where they used to be, but I'm more okay with how things are. That first friend I talked to, she apologised. I apologised. There were a lot of miscommunications; a lot of misunderstandings and, yes, plenty of mistakes... on both sides of the coin. And the day we started to talk about it, we both began to heal those wounds. It was not an easy day for either of us; but (and I speak here for myself, only, I cannot say whether these words ring true for any other people) I think it was certainly a worthwhile one.

I wouldn't wish for it to happen again, but there was value in that experience. I learned some very important things that I would not otherwise have learned yet.

Not only did I re-learn the importance of honesty and clear communication in my friendships, but I learned that my "unhealthy voice of paranoia" is my own intuition; insistent but unpracticed and generally unrecognised. I learned the importance of trusting that intuition and of acting on that in responsible ways.

I also learned that maybe there is something to the idea that, as someone with BPD, I might be more sensitive to mood changes in others. It makes sense, after all. As a child, my survival depended on being able to judge a situation or a person's mood, it makes sense that as an adult, I am still able to tap into that skill; however unintentionally or subconsciously I do it.

The trick, then, in understanding how such a concept might work, came in recognising for the first time that being able to detect changes in another person's mood, means just that. It doesn't mean I'll get it right every time; it doesn't mean there won't be misunderstandings. In fact, it is probably this sensitivity that leads to those misunderstandings, such as in the following scenario:

We are walking together and as we walk, we chatter. Suddenly, you see a car go past that reminds you of your ex-husband's car. Your mood drops.

I notice that your mood has changed, but I might decide that it's because I've said the wrong thing, or that you are wondering why you hang out with a loser like me. My intuition has recognised that change ... but my disordered thinking has misinterpreted the facts.

I can trust my intuition! It's necessary to remember not to blindly act on the specifics of it, but if I sense something change, if it's important, it's okay to trust my intuition and check in with the other person! In fact, it's more than important, it's downright essential.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Returning To Sanguine Saturday

So apparently I'm not going to post about what's going on before I do this, so I'm just going to do this. I've missed two? three? weeks now in a row, and that's not good.



Success Stories:
I asked for (and got) an increased dose in my medication when it stopped being effective.

When an acquaintance online made a comment that was incredibly unfair and (I feel) unacceptable, I was able to use my skills to handle both the discussion and my distress in an appropriate manner. I also referred the matter on to get the opinion of appropriate afterwards about what to do if a similar situation ever reoccurs.

I am beginning the process of recognition, labelling and acceptance that my mother is abusive, which leads me to my next achievement...

I made what is possibly the second biggest decision of my life... I'm moving to Canberra!

I'm learning that "responsibility" does not equate to "fault". I have a degree of responsibility for the interactions I have as an adult - but that doesn't necessarily make it my fault if those interactions are negative!

I was able to sort through some of my belongings and separate a large group for an eventual garage sale - an achievement both as a step towards my end goal (moving) and as an overcoming comfort zones thing (I am a hoarder... I *hate* getting rid of anything!) Apparently a third side of this is that I am saving money by taking positive action - which is a mini achievement in and of itself.

While I was in Canberra, when I discovered that I had accidentally brought a tool, and I couldn't guarantee that having it wouldn't mean using it, I was able to do the right thing and give the tool to my friend so that I wouldn't give in to temptation.

I was able to reach out during some really rough days.

I may not always make the best choices, but for the most part I'm making better ones than I was doing this time last year (and maybe that's good enough, just now).




Gratitudes List/Things that make me happy:
I got to feed a giraffe on my holiday! Several times!
I also got to pat a dingo; feed otters, a tiger, a white lion, a snow leopard and an eland; have a European brown bear lick my hand clean of food; and my inner children got to hold a snake.
Seeing snow and sledding and making a snow angel.
Great friends, both old and new.
Being included in my friend's role-play games.
Being able to have a face-to-face chat with Kelly.
Crazy cookies, because they're a reminder that I can still see the lighter side of things.
Giraffes in general.
Music and the soothing feeling of typing out lyrics as the song plays.



Cheer-leading statements:
A hiccup is just a hiccup. It doesn't have to be more than that.
I can tackle this moving thing just fine! If I start to feel overwhelmed, I have lots of skills I can use to manage that.
I can make choices for myself that will lead to the things I want out of my life.
It is okay to look after myself.
It's okay to feel however I feel.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Choosing To Recognise Achievements

By chance, I ran into an old primary school friend this morning. We lost contact when I moved to my father's place and although we're facebook friends, we haven't actually talked in about 15 years. She hasn't changed much at all since I knew her, she is still the same down to earth person she was back then. She is extremely easy to talk to, and I found myself admitting to not having worked for a year and a half as well as to my various diagnosis' and so forth.

One of the most interesting things I found about our interaction was that she told me that I was far too hard on myself.

I am fascinated because I felt that I was actually, though honest, quite kind in the way I spoke of myself today. It really highlighted to me how far I have come, as well as how far I still have to go. For a start, it wasn't until I was reflecting on the interaction that I realised that, had I been speaking of someone else, I would never have said the sort of things I said about myself.

First example off the bat, she asked if I was going to go to my reunion this year and I told her that I wasn't sure yet. "What are your reasons for the hesitation?"
"I haven't achieved anything."

That is why I hesitate to commit fully, because that is what I believe about myself. I'm not sure I want to show up with nothing but a string of failures to show of my life since high school... but that's complete bullocks, really, isn't it? I have achieved something. I'm still alive!

Maybe I don't have a car, or a good job (or even a job, to be fair), or the husband-children-white picket fence... but I'm still alive. I have survived what I'm beginning to recognise as a fairly extensive amount of childhood abuse of all types. I have survived mental illness, discrimination, miscarriage, spousal abuse, divorce, the deaths of several people dear to me. I have survived an alcohol dependency. I have survived.

And I haven't just survived. I have achieved other things that may not be current, but are no less real for that. I have worked for five years at a job that I loved. I have studied and received a Certificate III at the end of my efforts. I have been to Sydney, Melbourne, Rockhampton, Bundaberg, Vanuatu and Fiji (and by the time of the reunion, Canberra will also be on that list). I have won competitions for my writing, I have won money in a photography competition. I have had my photographs on display at the Royal Brisbane Exhibition.

Why is that not enough for myself? My friend was right when she said, "I'm sure you have achieved things", but I couldn't see it.

It's time to start recognising that simply surviving is an achievement, and it's time to start congratulating myself for that. I didn't have to survive - I chose to. And I'm going to keep choosing to survive, and I'm going to rebuild my life until I get to a place that is healthy. A place where I am healthy and where I can find happiness, peace and contentment.



Cheerleading and Challenge Statements:
How wonderful will it be to ring Kelly and say, "it's been two months since I self harmed"? Hold onto that.
Whatever I feel is okay. I don't need to judge myself for my emotions.
Maybe I'm not just not a bad person - maybe I really am an okay person!
I can't change the past but I can change the present, and I can work towards a better future.
Ruminating and worrying won't change the way things are. All I can do is accept events/feelings/thoughts and deal with them as best I can when life happens.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.