Life (Or Something Like It)

No, I have not done my usual "blog and disappear". I'm still here. :)

Things have been busy here. I'm struggling to create a balance between study, home and social life. It's harder than I remember back when I was working -- but then again, it's more important to me to ensure my balance is healthy now than it was back then. I don't know how much I'm reclaiming of who I used to be. I think, instead, I'm butterflying into a new person. Hopefully, in time, I'll become a person with a better grasp of socialisation and emotion management, too.

As I ease back into blogging, there are likely to be format changes. I've changed a lot since I started this blog (thank goodness), and my goals have changed. Something that hasn't changed is that I still want to use this blog as a place to help myself process things, and I also want to keep using it to help others. I don't know what that will mean for the blog at the moment, so please just bare with me in the interim.

What's been on my mind in the last few weeks has included:

* Why am I struggling with my study?

I've felt like I've really struggled with the last few units I've done. I don't know whether it's that my headspace isn't right (my depression has flared up in the last little while, and with it extreme amounts of anxiety -- plus I've had two recent deaths to grieve), the units are just getting harder, my way of learning isn't as practical with these units, or I'm just plain too stupid for this course. Most likely it's a combination of factors. Still, no matter what it is, I have no intention of quitting. I can do this. I will do this.

Plan of Action:

• Keep going.
• Attend college 3-5 days each week as much as possible.
• Get help from tutors, peers and friends where needed.
• Monitor depression & anxiety - bring it up at next appointment with pdoc.
• Remember to actually use my Valium.

* Rejection/Abandonment/Conflict

All three in one because they're very interconnected for me. We all know these things have long been something I struggle with. Conflict (that isn't actually conflict) still leaves me torn up inside for months. I'm trying so hard to get better with this, but the unresolved emotions at the heart of it all are still very much holding me back. It's so bad it's actually become a real quality of life issue, and I don't want it to continue. I don't know what else I can do other than to keep going, keep trying, keep fighting, so I will do those things and keep experimenting to find new things.

Plan of Action:

• Experiment with new "tools" to handle conflict/rejection/abandonment (whether real or perceived)
• Watch friends and peers amongst themselves. Be aware of how conflict is handled between others -- use it as evidence of how those people will handle conflict with me (eg, if when in conflict with J, E walks off for a break, then finds J an hour later and they talk it out & their friendship remains strong -- use this as evidence E will not end friendship over small conflict).
• Keep on top of thought challenging -- "conflict is part of life, and most relationships don't fall apart based on conflict that is addressed", "I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes".
• ?

Those are the big ones I'm struggling with at the moment. As always, please feel free to throw suggestions at me for my own action plans. But... what about you? What's something going on in your life that you could develop an action plan for addressing? Feel free to blog and leave a link, or just answer in the comment section, and I'll see you tomorrow for some Sunday Sunshine.

From a Once-Ghost to a Now-Ghost

My support worker suggested that I might find it helpful to write a letter to my 12 year old self whose mother sent her to live with her (abusive) father after a fight.

Everything in the letter below is true and accurate as my perception of the events (and I'm fairly sure, true and accurate as to the facts as well), although I did take slight creative licence on the ages as I won't actually be 30 for another two weeks. My niece, though, really is 12, and does shout the same thing I told my mother.

This is, at this stage, still a first draft. I promised my support worker I wouldn't edit the original minus small rearrangements until after she had read it, and I find that after such an emotional outpour, I'm reluctant to reread and edit just yet. I wanted to share it, anyway, though.




You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You view me as a wisp, an ethereal image hazy with what might be but I can see that you are a stamp of yesterday as indelible as octopus ink. You are in my eyes, and under them, in the depths of who I am. You will be changed, soon, by a moment that falls heavy around your shoulders even as it darts away.

When it happens, you will know that nothing will ever be the same, but you won't know how much this moment will become part of you. You won't know that for another 15 years, when you will revisit this moment in the hospital, undressing yourself and folding the adult part of you on the chair for later. Nakedly you will tell the nurse how it feels to be vulnerable and left to his mercy.

You will remember what you shouted, and you will remember slamming the door. You will remember the first time you ever heard her swear was that day, and she was calling you a bitch. You will remember the terror you felt when you realised she was calling your father, and you will remember begging her not to send you away. You will remember that you heard your little brother plead your case, and though you won't remember her reply, you will remember the tight way she speaks, and the sinking of that balloon of hope in your chest as she gets on the phone and tells him to come and get his daughter.

Unaccountably, you will remember the day when you were small and one of your brothers had placed a sandwich into the VCR. You will remember another phone call, to the Police (or so you still believe), and the certainty with which she tells you all that they are coming to fingerprint and take away the guilty party. You remember knowing it wasn't you, deducing it was one of your brothers and not knowing which. You remember you begged them each separately to confess, that you would not be torn through the middle; two magnetic poles no longer touching. Years later, when you remember that other moment, you will remember this one, and you will also remember that picture in your mind, of a small face peering out the back of a terrifyingly large vehicle. In your dreams, that face will be yours.

You won't remember whether it all happened slowly, as if you are stuck in time; or if the inevitability of it all sped you through to its conclusion. You won't remember what this fight was even about, but you'll remember that you didn't mean what you shouted and you both knew it.

You will remember her giving you a bag and telling you to pack your things, and you'll remember only that you sat stiffly in the car, cradling your stereo, and that you cried the whole way to your father's.

Years from now, you will remember, also, some of the aftermath as well, like the day your mother tells you she has antidepressants now. By the time you are 14, you will know this is your fault, and she will confirm it.

By then, you won't remember whether you gave any thought to the friends you left behind, but you will discover that when you return, most of them will remember you. Some of them will reclaim you, but Kylie, with whom you shared a birth month and with whom you were close, will never forgive you for leaving her behind. You won't mind because you aren't the same girl anymore, but you will regret the bullying that follows as she gradually steps up the levels of violence.

Still, you will survive and you will believe you are mainly unscathed. You will believe for many years that your mother is the good one. You will believe that all of this will disappear, fade into the background of who you are. You will believe that it is all your fault.

You will believe it, but it won't be true.

You are twelve years old. Twelve. You don't know it now, but when you are 30, you will have a 12 year old niece, and you will see in her the same streak of independence you had at her age. You will hear her shout those same words to her father, to her mother, to her grandmother... to you. You will see past them and know that they are words that come from a place of anger, but mostly from a place of hurt and confusion.

You will know that if anyone tries to send her away, it will not be her fault, and it will not be a reflection on the value of that 12 year old girl trying to make her way in a world that is often confusing and scary. You will know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful and amazing and wonderful, and that even when she makes mistakes, she is still all of those things.

You will know that no matter what the world throws at her, she will always have value. At 30, you will begin making connections between that 12 year old and the you that was 12. You will write yourself this letter, and in the writing, you will begin to let go of the shadow that has followed you for 18 years, because you will begin to see that at 12, you are still a child. At 12, you are a child who cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult. You are not the cause of your mother's illness, and though you may have exacerbated it without knowing or intending that, it is still not your fault.

You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You have been changed by this moment, and you will be changed by many more that are to come, until you become the 30 year old writing this letter. You will look in the mirror one day and though your hair is greying and your skin wrinkles like unironed sheets, you will see, still, the stamp of who you were; the stamp of moments; lived, loved and regretted; all over the solidity of who you are.

30 Tuesday Truths: One

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 01 : Something you're working to change about yourself

Originally, today's topic was "something you hate about yourself", but I wanted to put a more positive spin on it. I don't need an indepth written explanation of what I dislike about myself -- I already know my flaws and would rather work to accept, improve or change them than to continue hating myself for them!

One of the things I've been working hard to change is my reflex to perceived/actual abandonment and rejection. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but it's important that I learn to work with and around it. When I feel like someone's pushing me out of their life, instead of going quietly without questioning it, nowadays I try to at least confirm it first! I still have a long way to go and a lot of work still needs to be done, though.

One of the things I've been doing to bring about this change is to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. If someone appears to be pushing me out of their life, I like to do a reality check -- does it seem that way to others whom I trust? If I were to see it from the outside, such as watching a friend go through it, would I expect the friend to react/feel similarly?

Another thing that helps me is, as I mentioned earlier, confirming it with the person or people involved. I prefer not to do this until after I've had a 'reality check' because I worry that people will find reassuring me too much work if I need it too often, but there are definitely times I would have done better to ask straight out. I'm finding that there are certain circumstances in which I can more easily accept the person's answers as truth/honesty rather than suspecting guilt has played a part (either subconsciously or consciously), so I try to make sure I ask in ways that don't push those buttons, that way I can trust the answers I receive.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to be able to say that I always check in with others and weigh up their possible/probable motivations before I respond to abandonment (perceived or real), and that the negative 'trigger' responses are controlled in their intensity and duration. For now, I can say that there is some progress in coping with the abandonment and the internal responses, but I still definitely wouldn't call it controlled in intensity/duration.


What have you been working on changing for yourself and how have you been doing it?

Midweek Musings: Trusting

Today, at the end of a long and difficult counselling session, Carol pulled out some Angels With Attitude cards and asked me to choose one or more. She gave me the option of looking through the deck in order to choose, but I decided to pull one at random. As she began to fan the deck out in front of me, I pulled one of the more exposed cards and turned it over.

"Trust", it said, and I laughed through my tears. What an appropriate card for me right now.

In spite of everything, I am generally a very trusting person. I am naive, innocent, gullible and I both believe and believe in people. I trust in the basic goodness of most people. I trust that most people don't do things for bad reasons. I typically believe what people tell me, provided I have not been given a compelling reason not to.

Some of that, I suspect, is a subconscious mask, and other parts probably come from a desire to be seen as perhaps less intelligent than I might truly be. This is part of who I have been and it is part of who I am.

There is, however, a deeper level of trust, and it is here I often fall down. I easily trust outward; I do not easily trust inward. I do not trust my own self - my responses, my thoughts, my intuitions or my beliefs. I do not trust that I will use the right skills at the right time. And this lack of inward trust does extend outward; because I do not trust that my responses or emotions might be valid and appropriate, because I do not trust that I have much value, I do not trust that others will see it in me indefinitely, either.

Tell me that you will be here, and I will believe that you believe that... but I will not trust that you will stick around. I still spend far more time than I am comfortable with 'knowing' that as much as you believe you aren't going anywhere, this could be the time I mess it up. This could be the time I say the wrong thing and you realise how much you are sick of having me in your life.

Frustratingly, this lack of trust is often cause and effect all by itself. And, as is the nature of things when one has no internal self trust I alternate between responses.

I hear "go away" when you say hi and I think you hate me, but I challenge what I have heard and seek reassurance. If you are not very clear when you say "go away", I will hear "go away" and think you hate me, but I will challenge what I have heard and convince myself it's all in my head. Sometimes I get it right and I even respond accordingly, but more often I do not. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for those on the receiving end of both wrong-answer scenarios.

To constantly reassure me must be terribly annoying. To constantly be trying to get a message across to me when I keep telling myself you're sending a different one, equally so. How can I blame anyone for getting tired of this endless battle? I cannot; I do not.

I need to learn how to trust myself, because until I understand which thoughts to trust and listen to; how to balance checking in with others and understanding that I am not responsible for, or at fault in, every situation and interaction I have, until I can learn and understand that... I will always live in fear and sadness and anticipation that this is the day you walk away.

And in the meantime, I need to draw on those other layers of trust that I do have, that I can rely on. I need to trust in that basic goodness that I believe is in most people, because I'm going to need it over the next few weeks. I need to trust that if people have a problem with me, they will tell me. I need to allow myself to trust those safe people in my life as much as I can, because if I don't, I am going to lose everything I have worked so hard to gain and be.


Cheerleading/Challenge Statements:
It's okay to trust that my friends will tell me clearly if they don't want me around.
I have the skills and the ability to live through everything that comes my way - whether it comes by chance or invitation.
I have the right to look after my needs and wants.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way. And of course, don't forget to blog your own version of Sanguine Saturday sometime this week and let me know so I can link you next Saturday! ;)

Moth To A Flame (Lunch With The Ex-Husband)

Sometimes I get too caught up in trying to write well and don't end up writing at all. For days I've been puzzling at a few things I've wanted to write, but perfectionism has reared its ugly head so much that everything has been deleted instead of posted.


Have I thought a lot about why I made the choices I have, lately, in regard to my ex-husband and my father? Yes. Have I come to any helpful conclusions? Not so much.


I knew, from the moment I arranged to see my ex and meet his daughter that I was going to do this. I knew, also, that it was probably not in the realms of the smartest idea I'd ever had. I remember saying to a friend what my plans were and she told me straight up, "cancel it". I rationalised all the ways it could be good - and I think we both knew that's all it was. Rationalisations. Cancelling just wasn't on the cards.

So why not? Why, when I know the kind of person he is, when I know that the situation is a tricky one for me, did I do it?

Curiosity certainly played a part. I wanted to know what his child was like. I wanted to see for myself whether she was cute (she is), what kind of a father he made (a good one). I have a lot of unanswered questions about the way things ended up - part of me hoped that if I asked my questions (I didn't), he'd give me those answers (he couldn't).

He treated me much the same as always, though I admit he was quite toned down. For my part, DBT has obviously influenced me as I called the shots a bit: I chose the area we met in and when I didn't like the restaurant he chose, I asked for us to go somewhere else. Otherwise, I slipped fairly well back into my old role (I'm working on it).

What did I get out of the experience? A heightened sense of guilt. I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not good enough... and I never was. Sadness for what was, what could have been... what has been lost. Anger. He has re-written our history in his mind so that he doesn't have to feel bad about what he did. He repeatedly tells me that I left him, and while this is technically true, he ignores the fact that I seriously contemplated staying, after everything, until he left me stranded in the middle of a breakdown and lied about why. His staunchest supporter took me home to her place that night and told me that I was an idiot if I so much as thought about staying with him.

Did I get anything good out of it? I'm sure I must have. I believe that there is good to be found in every situation, but sometimes it's very hard to see. I haven't seen it yet in this one. I wish I could say that, at the very least, what I got out of it is a renewed determination to stay away from him, but it would be a lie. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to him.

Still, perhaps next time I will be able to stand more in wise mind. Even the moth has a choice...



Cheer-leading statements:
I am not a bad person.
Every day is a new chance, new beginning.
Criticisms levelled at me without constructive intent say a lot more about the other person than they do about me.
It's okay to feel whatever I feel.
The world doesn't have to be divided into black & white.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Mucky Monday: Rejection & Abandonment

I've had a rough couple of days. Then again, sometimes it seems like I bounce from one bad day to the next. First of all, I struggle to be okay with being okay (more on that in another post, I think); and then, of course, life keeps happening, and I struggle with the ability to find my feet there.

When mental health closed my file, I was told to make an appointment with my GP and connect with him. I was told to see him approximately as often as I had been seeing my psychiatrist (I am curious if she ever listened to a word I told her about the extent of my self harm - I see my GP a couple of times a week in regards to that) and check in with him in regard to how I am doing.

Let me preface this by saying that as much as I'm about to use powerful words such as "knew", this is mainly conjecture. To start off this new plan, I had organised an appointment with my GP for today to discuss the letter and make sure he was happy enough with the plan. I knew, as soon as I mentioned it, that he was not happy. We are staying with that plan, for now, but he made comments along the lines of "we will find an alternative if you continue to deteriorate". I am not hopeful that there are any alternatives left; but that is not a bridge to cross today, so I am choosing to leave it. Perhaps if/when it does become relevant, there will be new avenues to take that are not currently open to me. The future, after all, is not set in stone.

As he provided the necessary treatment, my GP mentioned to me that he is planning to leave for a month. He stressed that it is absolutely imperative that I begin to see one of the other GPs in the practice while he is still there. His concern is that if I do not, and I need to see a GP while he is away, the situation will end in my needing hospital. I agree that this is not at all a favourable outcome (and my heart secretly wants to beg him not to leave, thus solving the entire situation).

So, on the heels of mental health closing my file, and my ex husband's new fiancée giving birth to his daughter, the sexual violence counsellor I managed to attain after leaving DBT (unfortunately I was not able to hook back in with my old counsellor, but the new lady is one I am familiar with through various art activities run through the centre) is going to be away through all of my upcoming major trigger dates/events, the nurse that I see for wound dressings was away... and now my GP is also leaving. Is it any wonder my normally high fears of abandonment and rejection are so high they're staring down at the stars, at the moment?

Like most people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I am hypersensitive to abandonment and rejection. Usually to decrease the chances of it happening, I will people please to an extraordinary degree. In this situation, there's very little I can do along those lines. No matter how much I try to be 'good', my GP is still going to take his holiday. My counsellor is still going to be away. Mental health are still finished with me. I feel at a loss, as I fear that everything I have put faith in to be there and sustain me is fast disappearing. Soon all that will really be left is me, myself and I.

Knowing those fears are there, though, doesn't mean I have to bow down and give in to them. I have a choice, now: I can choose to see this as yet more rejection and abandonment, and throw in the towel; or I can choose to see that these events are not necessarily connected. It's a hard path to take, to choose to see that these events may have nothing to do with me or each other; and I imagine I'll fall down a lot along the way, but I much prefer the place to which that path leads.

I am choosing to tell myself that it will be okay, that I can learn from this and grow, that I have the capability to live through this and come out the other side a better person.



Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
If my GP chooses to take a vacation, that does not mean he is personally rejecting me.
A slip is not a failure. I now have a new chance to try again.
The past does not dictate the future. Just because people have left in the past does not mean that people will always leave me.
I am not a bad person.
If someone is upset by actions I have taken, it does not mean they cannot like or love me anymore.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Spreading my wings, but I still stumble

Every day, the whole world over, people are living, dying, breathing, smiling, crying, being. Thousands of lives experiencing tragedies and comedies. There's a very real sense of connection, of camaraderie, in that; you're unique, but you're not alone.

Once again my good intentions fall out the window. I'm still reeling from the sense of abandonment regarding yesterday, and after engaging in my pleasant event scheduling, I came home to find that my ex-husband is now the proud father of a little girl.

I've taken time to sit with my emotions. I've worked on mindfully applying distress tolerance techniques when I think I can't bear the pain another second. I've typed out lyrics as they play (keeps hands and mind busy), I've tidied. I've attempted self soothing. I've taken a small vacation and curled up in bed for a few hours (reading my book, followed by a short nap). I've watched NCIS, attempted craft, played games. I've spent time in mindful exploration of my crystal. I've read positive quotes, worked on my goals (both setting and working towards accomplishing), challenged my thoughts, made plans for tomorrow. I have made efforts to turn my mind towards acceptance.

I've reached out, reached in; opened up, closed up; ricocheted in and out of skills. I believe I am doing all that I can to 'deal' with the situation - the only aspect that is in my control is how I respond to the information, so that is where I am concentrating my efforts.

Still, I am tired inside my bones and my heart aches for what might have been. That's okay, and I am still sober.


As the days go by, I am slowly beginning to shape my vision for this blog. Originally I had planned for the entries to be almost entirely thought based; along the lines of my first couple; expanding of my knowledge on the skills and where I am at (in a positive frame), now I suspect that won't work. I'd like to make sure I'm posting something of real substance along those lines at least once a week; but a more 'real' record of what's going on in my life feels important as well - as long as I make sure to include positive ways I can cope/have been coping with the situation.


Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
The past does not need to dictate the future.
I can cope.
It's okay to hurt over this.
All I can change about this situation is my response to it.
I will not act in a destructive manner.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Even amidst my disappointment, there is growth

Although I had originally intended to follow through on my individual criterion focus this week, in sitting down to actually do it, I discovered that I could not get it to just "flow" quite right. In fact, everything I write tonight sounds either stilted or whiney. I'm scatty and I seem to lack any semblance of an attention span, but I've written and rewritten this entry a dozen times over, and I just cannot find my comfortable Blogging voice.

Today has been a difficult day for me.

After DBT ended, I knew that the plan was for me to be released from Mental Health, but when I spoke to my psychiatrist and let her know my concerns, she said she would talk to the team, and then we would discuss what was to happen at my next session (today). At that session I also made a completely unsuccessful attempt to be placed on a different medication. I resolved that I would work harder to get my point across this time. I did a bit of cursory research and came up with two alternatives that we've not yet tried. I made notes reminding me to use my DEAR MAN skills and to stand my ground. I also included a note and phone number to remind me to have her call my GP, as per his request from the last time I'd seen him. I assumed that once all of that was done, we would finish up and that would close my file, and I surprised myself by finally being more okay with it than I'd expected.

So, when I turned up for my appointment today, I was prepared. I held my folded paper in my hand, a tangible reminder of the work I had done, and the importance of being effective. I shook in my boots as I entered that room, but I worked to Appear confident. (Those of you familiar with DEAR MAN will recognise the A from "MAN" - everyone else, please just be assured I have not decided to begin random capitalisation!)

Before I had a chance to even begin to Describe the situation, my psychiatrist spoke. "I closed your case yesterday and sent a letter to your GP."

I froze; all of my false confidence deserted me. Where was the discussion she'd spoken about last month? I had come to terms, in part, with being transferred solely into my GP's care - but I still wanted discussion. I wanted to discuss the medication issue. I understand that medication won't solve my problems with self harm; I know that medications won't stop me from feeling. On the other hand, I have experienced (briefly) what it is like when the medications are working, and I would like to experience that again. And perhaps most of all, I wanted my GP to air his concerns to the psychiatrist so that she could reassure him, because my reassurances mean very little. I, after all, am the patient who presents regularly with what he terms "severe" self harm; the one who reassures him she's fine, only to turn up with new injuries a couple of days later.

I was humiliated when the next question she asked was "what happened to your face?" I am a skin picker. I don't view it as self harm (although throughout DBT, Sandy tried to tell me it was) and I feel that my reasons behind picking are very different to my reasons behind self harm; it is closer to a compulsion than an urge, and I am even more deeply ashamed of it than I am of self harm.

She spoke to the air for most of the time I was in that room. I nodded occasionally, said "yeah" a few times, and stared at a fixed point. I didn't bother bringing up the medication; without any prompting she launched into a speech about how I know the skills, I'm simply not using them; and another speech about how no medication will help me at all. I did make an attempt to have her call my GP, but she dismissed it, telling me she had written him a letter. Mostly what ran through my head was "don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry". I feel dismissed and rejected; I feel abandoned. I feel an extremely strong urge to self-destruct. Those are not emotions. I felt sadness, disappointment, guilt and anger. I feel fear that my GP will not believe that I tried to get her to call him.

I find that, also, I am disappointed that I went to pieces so quickly, disappointed that I didn't make better use of my DEAR MAN skills; and yet even in this I can see signs of change.

I allowed her to see that I was upset. I didn't talk to her about it, but for once, the emotions I displayed were congruent with the things I had been telling them.

I did attempt my DEAR MAN skills. This is growth, many's the time in the past I would let everything slide rather than ask for anything.

I identified and expressed the emotions I'm feeling about the situation.

I didn't listen to my urges to self destruct.

Apologies for the lack of thought on this entry, and the over abundance of whine. Perhaps tomorrow my brain will work better again.


Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
These feelings are unpleasant, but they will pass.
The urge to self-destruct is just an urge. I do not have to listen to or follow any urge.
I am adjusting. It will get easier. I am doing okay.
I have a good GP. If I explain to him that I asked her to call and she felt she had said everything that needed saying in the letter, then he will understand. If he does not understand, I have the skills to handle that situation.
This is not a sign that I am not worth helping, that I have been thrown away or that I am not good enough. This is a vote of confidence in my ability to manage myself for a while.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.