30 Tuesday Truths: One

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 01 : Something you're working to change about yourself

Originally, today's topic was "something you hate about yourself", but I wanted to put a more positive spin on it. I don't need an indepth written explanation of what I dislike about myself -- I already know my flaws and would rather work to accept, improve or change them than to continue hating myself for them!

One of the things I've been working hard to change is my reflex to perceived/actual abandonment and rejection. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but it's important that I learn to work with and around it. When I feel like someone's pushing me out of their life, instead of going quietly without questioning it, nowadays I try to at least confirm it first! I still have a long way to go and a lot of work still needs to be done, though.

One of the things I've been doing to bring about this change is to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. If someone appears to be pushing me out of their life, I like to do a reality check -- does it seem that way to others whom I trust? If I were to see it from the outside, such as watching a friend go through it, would I expect the friend to react/feel similarly?

Another thing that helps me is, as I mentioned earlier, confirming it with the person or people involved. I prefer not to do this until after I've had a 'reality check' because I worry that people will find reassuring me too much work if I need it too often, but there are definitely times I would have done better to ask straight out. I'm finding that there are certain circumstances in which I can more easily accept the person's answers as truth/honesty rather than suspecting guilt has played a part (either subconsciously or consciously), so I try to make sure I ask in ways that don't push those buttons, that way I can trust the answers I receive.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to be able to say that I always check in with others and weigh up their possible/probable motivations before I respond to abandonment (perceived or real), and that the negative 'trigger' responses are controlled in their intensity and duration. For now, I can say that there is some progress in coping with the abandonment and the internal responses, but I still definitely wouldn't call it controlled in intensity/duration.


What have you been working on changing for yourself and how have you been doing it?

Chrysalis Stirring

Dear world,

I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.

I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.

I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.

Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.

I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.

I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.

I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.

And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.

Thank you,
Chrysalis.

Returning from the mists -- & a question re friendships

Hello world!

It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.

My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.

My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.

Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.

My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.

My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)

The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.

My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.

Why "White Lies" Aren't/Balancing Honesty & Protection Of Feelings

I used to be diplomatic, tactful, considerate. I would like to say I'm still those things, but it's become more important than ever before to me to be, above all else, honest. Now, don't get me wrong. Honesty has always been important to me - I just never before understood how damaging a 'white lie' could be.

Today I was asked if I considered a particular person a friend. Now, I don't know this person well. We do not have heart-to-heart conversations. I don't know what makes her tick any more than she knows what makes me tick. I do not know her favourite colour, what sort of food she likes to eat, or how she feels about ice cream. I do not know that when I am hurting, I can go to her and ask for comfort, or seek laughter or advice that is given knowing my situation and with my best interests at heart. She has never given me any indication to make me believe that she would consider me a friend.

In all honesty, I don't know her well enough to count her as a friend, and so I considered my options before replying. In the past, I would have immediately responded "of course you're my friend" so that I didn't hurt their feelings, and I'm sure there are people out there thinking that that is exactly what I should have said now, too. I didn't. I gave it thought and eventually I went with what amounted to "I don't know you well enough to consider you a friend, but you are someone I am interested in getting to know further".

I didn't feel that it was too horrible a thing to say, but it lead to an amount of uproar. I'm still confused. I recognise that there is a balance between being honest and being hurtful, but I cannot for the life of me seem to find it. Contrary to what seems to be public opinion of me these days, I have no desire to hurt anyone.

In fact, not wanting to hurt others is part of the reason honesty is so important to me at the moment. As I journey into my own recovery, I am beginning to recognise all the ways "white lies" have damaged my relationships and my self, and most specifically, my ability to trust -- not just you, but my ability to trust myself.

If I dress in a skirt that looks hideous on me and I ask you what you think, chances are that I suspect it may not be the most flattering piece of clothing I've ever tried. If you go on to tell me it looks fabulous, I learn to doubt my "intuition" that the skirt doesn't look good. Later, someone else may tell me how hideous it looks, and that opens the door to doubting your motives, your friendship, whether I should trust you in future. And even if I decide not to trust you in future, that initial seed of doubt in myself will still be there.

Trust is incredibly important to me. It's not something I've ever been able to have much control over in the past, but I'm learning. And one of the things I've learned about myself is that my ability to trust is tempered by the amount of times someone's lied to me.

White lies are damaging because they are lies and lies are an abuse of trust.

So, my purpose in writing this is twofold. One, to remind myself of why honesty is so important to me, and two, to ask how you balance honesty and protection of other peoples' feelings. Is there a line? I don't need you to agree with my P.O.V., but if you're going to offer criticism I do ask that you be constructive. "I think your way is hurtful. Next time you could try x" is helpful, "your way is mean" is not. I want very much to figure this out, for years I have prided myself on my interpersonal skills (despite my seeming inability to keep friends) and this struggle to find balance and keep people happy now that I'm actually expressing some apparently unpopular opinions is very upsetting to me.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.