In fact, oops doesn't even come close to doing my blunder justice. I came back from my holiday a bit mental. Well, to be honest, I came back from my holiday very mental. All the strides I'd made seemed to have disappeared, and I knew that it was at least partially due to my medication no longer working, but it didn't seem to matter.
At that point, nothing seemed to matter.
My holiday had been wonderful. Things weren't perfect - I was still me, after all, with all that that entailed - but I was living life and I was enjoying it. I was tackling my life at a pace that suited me. And almost overnight I went from "okay" back to "very unwell". Despite my mental state, I continued fighting to turn things around. I used the support and encouragement offered by the friend I was staying with, in order to do that.
I should have listened when she suggested I go to the doctor, but I allowed my fear to get in the way. "It'll be okay," I told her. "I'll go when I get back to Brisbane".
The day after I arrived home, I was supposed to go to the art gallery and meet up with friends. Instead, I stayed in bed. That night I started drinking but I went to bed before I threw away my SI-free time. I stayed in bed the next day and most of Sunday as well. I already know that doing that kind of thing is my fast track to misery, but I couldn't bring myself to care. By Sunday night I was a mess. I told myself I could get through this, I could keep it up. I spoke about a decision I was trying to make and I made it, without even realising that's what I was doing. After dinner, with the guilt eating away at me, I started tipping back the vodkas.
While drunk, I managed to pour what must have been pretty much an entire glass of Coke/Red Creaming Soda and vodka into my laptop's keyboard. Unsurprisingly, Lappie was particularly unimpressed and decided not to work for me any more (hence my complete absence for the past week). I got lucky. I've got a friend who fixes laptops as his job - he took Lappie away a couple of days ago and my 'baby' has a new battery and keyboard on order, and a new hard drive installed.
After the escapade with the vodka, I didn't have a choice but to see the doctor on Monday. He prescribed a higher dose of Lexapro and told me he would be away and I should see another doctor this week and he'll see me next Monday.
I've just barely held myself together all week. I didn't go back to see another doctor. I did spend the week trying to get hold of my old DBT coordinator (which I finally managed yesterday) and calling my friend in Canberra.
My increased dosage is now starting to work. I feel myself getting on a more even keel again. I'm crying a little less every day. Once again, I can even believe I'll be okay, I just have to hold on long enough.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Showing posts with label self-destruction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-destruction. Show all posts
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Self-Destruct Sequence
Several days ago, my next entry seemed clear. I had it all mapped out in my mind - at least, in vague terms, I did. I knew what paths I needed to follow in telling about the last few days (eventful) and those to come (hopefully full of pleasant event scheduling). My best friend suggested "just write"; I had a tantrum and did, then deleted it all bar this section and started again with a topic in mind.
I've been making a lot of questionable choices again, the sort of choices that are too consistent, too frequent to be labelled as mere "slips". Those have their own consequences that I'm facing -- one of which was my GP's reaction. You might recall that he wasn't happy about Mental Health discharging me - he was even more unhappy when I turned up two days later requiring care for more new (and somewhat serious) wounds. He was, in fact, so unhappy that while I was still in with the nurse, he got on the phone to Mental Health. In no uncertain terms he was told what I knew he'd be told - they're happy for me to be discharged, there's nothing more they can/are interested in doing for me.
I took this information with me when I saw my CASV counsellor, and I spoke about my interpretation that "I'm less worthy than my DBT peers who have been retained/referred on to other services". Interestingly, my counsellor was angry on my behalf about the way things have gone in regard to that. She suggested I write a letter to the state head of health, and when I explained that I didn't feel there was any point -- I'm all too aware of the fact that this was only my perception of events, that I was choosing to see it that way, and that that meant it didn't really matter. At that point, she called me, straight up, on minimising. Yes, it is my perspective -- but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel upset about what transpired. I think we're going to work very well together.
The discussion with my counsellor lead us through a variety of paths and on to what I call my self-destruct sequence. There are lots of things that set it off, and lots of ways that being self-destructive comes into play, for me, but at the moment I'm talking about a rather specific sequence of events (which, incidentally, ties rather nicely in with my entry about self value).
It starts easily enough. Things will be going along - good, bad, indifferent. Obviously if things are going poorly, the likelihood of falling into this pothole is higher, but it often happens no matter how 'well' things are going.
The triggering event is generally a comment or an internal realisation. Somebody will offer a compliment, or tell me I'm doing well: things that are meant to reassure. Even if I at the time appear to react well, somehow it gets twisted inside me. Suddenly this good thing is not good: such begins sabotage and self-destruct.
Coming from a strengths based perspective, my counsellor admitted she'll find it interesting to work around this -- but it seems that it's a challenge that we're both up for. We're going to call it my gentle adventure to WISEness, and one of the things we're going to do is to look at me giving myself credit for decisions I'm making out of my WISE mind.
Since I'm very creatively focused, and do well with set homework, my task until our next session is twofold:
1) Begin gathering together materials on what my adventure to WISEness means to me; and
2) Try to make note of times when I have wanted to give in to self destructive behaviours and haven't.
Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to look after me.
I'm not a bad person.
I can be there for my friends and look after my own needs as well.
I'm doing the best I can with the knowledge and skills that I have available to me at the moment.
Choosing positive coping skills doesn't have to mean denying that things are difficult at the moment.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I've been making a lot of questionable choices again, the sort of choices that are too consistent, too frequent to be labelled as mere "slips". Those have their own consequences that I'm facing -- one of which was my GP's reaction. You might recall that he wasn't happy about Mental Health discharging me - he was even more unhappy when I turned up two days later requiring care for more new (and somewhat serious) wounds. He was, in fact, so unhappy that while I was still in with the nurse, he got on the phone to Mental Health. In no uncertain terms he was told what I knew he'd be told - they're happy for me to be discharged, there's nothing more they can/are interested in doing for me.
I took this information with me when I saw my CASV counsellor, and I spoke about my interpretation that "I'm less worthy than my DBT peers who have been retained/referred on to other services". Interestingly, my counsellor was angry on my behalf about the way things have gone in regard to that. She suggested I write a letter to the state head of health, and when I explained that I didn't feel there was any point -- I'm all too aware of the fact that this was only my perception of events, that I was choosing to see it that way, and that that meant it didn't really matter. At that point, she called me, straight up, on minimising. Yes, it is my perspective -- but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel upset about what transpired. I think we're going to work very well together.
The discussion with my counsellor lead us through a variety of paths and on to what I call my self-destruct sequence. There are lots of things that set it off, and lots of ways that being self-destructive comes into play, for me, but at the moment I'm talking about a rather specific sequence of events (which, incidentally, ties rather nicely in with my entry about self value).
It starts easily enough. Things will be going along - good, bad, indifferent. Obviously if things are going poorly, the likelihood of falling into this pothole is higher, but it often happens no matter how 'well' things are going.
The triggering event is generally a comment or an internal realisation. Somebody will offer a compliment, or tell me I'm doing well: things that are meant to reassure. Even if I at the time appear to react well, somehow it gets twisted inside me. Suddenly this good thing is not good: such begins sabotage and self-destruct.
Coming from a strengths based perspective, my counsellor admitted she'll find it interesting to work around this -- but it seems that it's a challenge that we're both up for. We're going to call it my gentle adventure to WISEness, and one of the things we're going to do is to look at me giving myself credit for decisions I'm making out of my WISE mind.
Since I'm very creatively focused, and do well with set homework, my task until our next session is twofold:
1) Begin gathering together materials on what my adventure to WISEness means to me; and
2) Try to make note of times when I have wanted to give in to self destructive behaviours and haven't.
Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to look after me.
I'm not a bad person.
I can be there for my friends and look after my own needs as well.
I'm doing the best I can with the knowledge and skills that I have available to me at the moment.
Choosing positive coping skills doesn't have to mean denying that things are difficult at the moment.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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