Sunday Sunshine - 9/8/15

Some of you may remember the old Sanguine Saturday posts I used to make. I decided to reinvent these as Sunday Sunshine, but with likely most of the same content. A weekly look at gratitudes, achievements and the like is probably something I need at the moment.

I'm grateful for...

• My heart family that is filled with wonderful people
• Having a free Netflix account
• Beach walks
• Coke Zero
• Having had a great night out with friends
• Books
• Dogs
• Also giraffes, cats, guinea pigs, monkeys, dolphins, and other mammals. Also non mammals. Just animals in general, really.
• Puns

Achievements:

• I walked from the street all the way into college all by myself.
  I've been brushing my teeth every day I've gone into college.
• I went out with friends -- this is a gratitude and an achievement because it was pretty scary, and there were some last minute changes that made my anxiety even worse.
• I knocked off another unit of study last week, which leaves me with one and a half (a prac and some related assignments that shouldn't take long) to finish before my next cluster opens on August 25.
• Even though I made a decision that didn't turn out very well, I was able to make better decisions in order to mitigate the negative effects.

Don't forget to challenge yourself by posting up some gratitudes and achievements of your own, and send me the link. I can't wait to see them!

Dichotomous Christmas

I know I'm now too late to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

My day... was a day of firsts, and a day of tradition. It was a day of great happiness, but it was a day edged with grief and regret. Unusually for me, it was also a day of healing and growth - though I don't expect to see concrete results of that any time soon. Finally, it was a day of learning. Most of the things I learned were small things, it's true, but small things add up and gradually become bigger things.

Although Bumface and I began dating shortly before Christmas last year, I spent most of the day with my biological family, only meeting up with him at the end of the day. Normally, we would go to my brother's for Christmas, but this year I made the decision early on that I wouldn't be doing that. Bumface isn't comfortable with my family (and given the way they've treated us both, I certainly understand why), and I didn't want us to be apart for Christmas, so we decided to have it here -- that way, too, we could invite Baby Bear to join us, as well as any other friends/chosen family with nowhere else to go. We did invite my mother and Jerry, (her best friend who has been like a father to myself and my brothers) especially as it's the first Christmas my younger brother hasn't been here for, but they declined to join us. As a result, not only was this my first real Christmas with my partner... it was my first Christmas ever without a single member of my biological family.

This year, I pulled together some of my favourite Christmas traditions from my childhood, and I made a few changes where appropriate, to create a Christmas that would work for us. I decorated, with the help of Baby Bear and her friend. I put together 3 stockings (one each for myself, Bumface and Baby Bear). I made my favourite Christmas recipes (minus the trifle which I'll be making once we've eaten some more of the food we already have left over). Baby Bear joined us and we enjoyed plenty of nibblies as we exchanged gifts. After a brief rest, we had my family's traditional salad lunch. All my favourites from my childhood were there, and a few others I've picked up through the years were added as well.

It was a good day, but there were still things I missed. Mostly, I missed my nieces and my nephew. Without them, the chatter of children was missing, and the magic (and the laughter!) that brings to Christmas was a small wound in the day. It left me aching a little for my own little girl and boy.

I didn't miss calling my father and wishing him a Merry Christmas, but I wish I could say I didn't feel guilt over it.

This year, I learned, as I learn over and again, that some wounds don't heal. I learned, as I learn over and again, that family is about so much more than who gave birth to whom. I learned, as I wish I'd realised earlier, that coleslaw dressing and caesar salad dressing are not interchangable (worst coleslaw EVER). I learned, as I think we all wish I'd learned before making the pasta salad, that regular peas should be shelled. I learned, as I learn over and again, that just as there can be sadness in the midst of beauty... there also can be beauty in the midst of sadness.

This year, I was shown that there are some truly amazing and wonderful people in my life, and I am blessed to know them. I was shown that there are some people in my life who maybe don't deserve the amount of time and love I offer them, as they are unwilling to offer much in return... but there are some who deserve everything I can give and so, so much more.

I hope I do enough that those people know who they are, that they see I understand and appreciate just how much they enrich my life and how deeply grateful I am for all they do for me. They are my chosen family, and although not all of them could join me physically for Christmas, they were all in my heart yesterday, as they are every day, and are ever welcome at my table.

Happy Holidays, my friends.

Sanguine Satur-Sun-Monday: 7 Shades of Gratitude

Sanguine Monday doesn't have anywhere near the ring of Sanguine Saturday or Sunday. I should let that be a lesson to me and make sure I post these things up on the weekends so I don't get stuck with a title devoid of such fun alliteration.

(But, let's face it, I probably won't. I'm just rubbish at remembering what day it is most of the time.)


It's been a while again, hasn't it? Luckily, I am much practiced at jumping in where I left off, no matter how long ago that was, so without further ado, here are today's 7 Shades of Gratitude.


1. Decorating with others who enjoy Christmas as well.
2. Productive quiet time.
3. Deliciously warm weather.
4. Exploring new forms of poetry.
5. Grocery totals that come to less than expected.
6. New shoes! (Even if I do need to dye them black.)
7. Exploring new/old places with people we love.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of Gratitude

Apologies on the lack of "promised" blogs - my session with my support worker on the Tuesday following my last post was tougher than I had expected, and by the time I had bounced back enough to blog again, I had other things happening in my offline life that kept me busy and distracted.

However, things have settled down on that score again, and though I can't promise I'll be diligent about posting in the next little while, especially as November is always such a difficult month for me, for today, I'm here and I'm ready to go.


I don't think I have explained on this blog yet, but my partner and I have been under a great deal of financial and emotional strain this year as our pay decreased as soon as we moved in together, leaving us with less spare money than was very comfortable. We were managing up until the point where everything started to need replacing/fixing -- and it really does feel like "everything" is the case! When we were accepted for support with Open Minds, Bumface and I were given a separate support person/case manager - and it just happened that Bumface's support worker, (D), has a special focus on housing. Very quickly he began to work with us on getting us into more appropriate housing, and we are now renting through social housing -- which means our rent is almost $150 less per pay, which is a HUGE weight off our shoulders. And, as a side benefit? In this new place, we're allowed to have a pet of up to 10kg... so guess who's planning to get a puppy next year? ;)


Here are today's 7 Shades of Gratitude.

1. Turning a house (or unit) into a home.
2. Care and concern from unexpected quarters.
3. Unexpected wins on the Melbourne Cup! (Not to mention excitement and cheer!)
4. Opportunities to discuss and pursue a project I've been toying with for a while.
5. Catching up, however briefly, with old friends.
6. Friendly neighbours.
7. Quiet mornings.

See you next time.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of Grateful

This week I'm grateful for:
1. People who go above and beyond their jobs in helping sort out problems.
2. Validation, confirmation and encouragement from my old nurse.
3. Jokes, laughter and easy conversation.
4. Group activities that allow me to socialise while developing new or old skills.
5. Unexpected opportunities.
6. Sunshine and warm weather.
7. Possibilities, excitement and enthusiasm.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Gratitudes

As you've no doubt noticed, Sanguine Saturday is still around. ;) I've decided to change it up a bit, though. I don't need to detail my accomplishments in a list anymore because it's time to focus on bigger things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let myself forget that the smaller accomplishments are what lead to the bigger ones, and I've not lost sight of the value of those small things -- I just no longer need to write them all out to see that I'm accomplishing things, and I imagine a list of accomplishments doesn't make for particularly interesting reading. ;)

However, Sanguine Saturday is a really important thing to and FOR me, and I've found it a valuable recovery tool to boot, so I needed to find a way to keep it. Please bear with me as I design and redefine a new version of Sanguine Saturday that works for my life as it is now.


This week I'm grateful for:
1. Opportunities to meet beautiful new people, like Bumface's friend's mother.
2. That quiet time in the mornings before Bumface wakes, when the day is fresh and new.
3. The gorgeous beaches on Bribie Island.
4. Support people who go above and beyond and really add to my life.
5. New perspectives and opportunities to see things in a different light.
6. Change, growth and strength.
7. The ability to take steps to improve our financial situation (not that it's dire - we don't go hungry!).

An Outpouring of Love

A few weeks ago I got it together and I spoke to a GP about changing my medication. After a short discussion, he agreed that it was for the best, even though the Paroxetine has been very helpful and effective.

If you've ever come off an antidepressant, especially one that was working quite well, you are probably smacking yourself in the forehead or at least giggling away to yourself, because you know what's coming. You're right.

I fell, surprisingly quickly, into a pretty bleak place. I needed all of my skills to keep my thoughts from running away from me, and even with that, I found myself crying a lot again. Sometimes over bigger things, sometimes over silly things. Still, I kept fighting and doing my best to use my skills and cope, if not constructively, then at least not destructively. And it worked, to a degree -- I wasn't destructive. I didn't fall back into my old patterns of self harm or drinking.

But still... thoughts and worries plagued me. Some things have been on my mind for more than a year, others that are more recent. Finally, after countless hours of writing and rewriting in my head what I wanted to say and yet also was terrified to say, I posted on facebook asking for the people who care about me to remind me that they do. I needed so badly to hear from someone other than just my self that I wasn't kidding myself, that there really were people out there who cared.

And my friends came through for me. Some of the messages left for me made me cry. Some of the messages left for me made me laugh. All of the messages left me in awe of knowing such a wonderful bunch of people.

In all honesty, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love people shared for/with me. Some people I haven't talked to in ages left a message telling me I still matter to them. Some people (from whom I particularly didn't expect it) told me they think of me at random or in certain situations. Some people, with whom I developed a friendship through the suicide of a mutual friend, reminded me that though distance makes things harder, hearts are still open.

Some people told me the things they love about me. Some people just quietly slipped in and left their love. Another of my friends, my Eeyah, wrote a lengthy message about how I am like "The Little Train That Could". I'm going to share this next bit of her message because she's absolutely hilarious as well as awesome.

"You've had a shitty life (I'm sorry, but you have!), life has not so much handed you lemons, but chopped down all the lemon bushes, made a bonfire and danced around it. And you're still fighting!"


I wish I knew how to show everyone who left a response how much it all meant to me, and how deeply grateful I am.

Chrysalis Stirring

Dear world,

I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.

I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.

I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.

Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.

I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.

I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.

I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.

And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.

Thank you,
Chrysalis.

Sanguine Sunday

Sanguine Sunday is here again! Also, if you missed it, I made a post about invisiblity & responsibility yesterday. I wanted to put it up separately to Sanguine Sunday last time, but it's taken until now to get it written.

Anyhow, in the last few weeks I've hit a few milestones for myself as well as spending time working on some areas that've needed it - like getting to know my new (local) psychologist! I've had a few goals that I've not made, like going back to shelter where I volunteer, but on the whole I've done pretty well at staying on track of things - and most of the things I haven't followed through on have been influenced by outside factors (like the weather and my health). I've made some discoveries and explored a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences and realisations that needed visiting.

More testing with the new psychologist has pointedly very strongly to DID and depersonalisation in particular (surprised? Yeah, me either), but of course the BPD label stays with me too. Therapy will be focused on what's causing the most problems in my life -- which at the moment is the old abandonment terrors and tendency to panic at the suggestion of rejection.


Success Stories:
I hit my six month sober date a few weeks ago.
I also made a full year with no suicide attempts.
Handled a couple of rough interpersonal situations.
I've been practicing a lot of thought challenge.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My beautiful niece had a great day out for her birthday. And so did I!
Giraffe tattoos.
Poppa bear & baby bear.
Reading.
Silly games.
Fry's Planet World -- must see this!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
There are people who care about me and want my company.
I don't believe in "good people" or "bad people" -- which means I can't BE a bad person.
I deserve the good things people say about me.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Wednesday Sanguine Saturday

Sorry for the delayed post, I'vre been busy and a bit reclusive since the weekend. To be honest, I'm doing it a bit tough just now. But I'm still moving forward, and that's always a positive thing. Last week is a bit vague in my mind, so these will probably be pretty short.



Success Stories:
No self harm.
Medication as appropriate!
I made changes to a plan I'd had with my brother, so he came up here and we had a picnic at the park; we'll be going to Movie World with my eldest niece next time he has her, instead.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My partner.
My sister-who-isn't.
My partner's daughter.
All the iPhone games I play.
My three little monkeys.
Knowing it's okay that I'm struggling, because I have supportive people in my life.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday returns as Sanguine Sunday!

Hello world, I'm back!

The internet has finally been turned on here in our new place and that means Sanguine Saturday can return - as Sanguine Sunday, though. I missed you all and hope that things have been as calm as possible and that you're all doing well.

While I was away I achieved a number of things, some of which will probably be fairly evident and others that you may never know -- but *I* know I did them (even if many have now been forgotten in specifics), and that's pretty important.



Success Stories:
Since mid-December, I have only self harmed once, and it was minor.
I've been taking my medication appropriately.
Even though I supplied my pension card when I handed in my prescription, I was charged a non-pension price, so I went back and sorted it out! I got an apology and the excess money back.
I set myself a "productivity goal" and stuck to it.
I went to an induction to begin volunteer work at the local animal shelter. One more and then I get to start volunteering!
I've been working on building a support team for myself up here.
I handled a situation that was very upsetting for me, and I handled it in a manner that was appropriate.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Having our own place.
Getting the internet on again!
iPhone games! (Does anyone play PetHouse, Fluff Friends, Dream Zoo or DragonVale?)
Books, movies and boardgames -- the things that kept me sane while I was internetless!
Housework, and knowing nobody's gonna yell at me if I do it the "wrong" way.
My nieces and nephew.
Kindness.
Shiny kitchens!
The apparent existence of Dogopoly.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine SeaWorld Saturday!

Happy Saturday my friends. :)

Well, I have what I think is great news -- in the next couple of weeks, I'm moving! Adam and I have now confirmed that we have a place in Caboolture, which is way on the North side of Brisbane, almost on the Sunshine Coast. It's a two bedroom ground floor unit in a secure complex that has a pool, and I'm thrilled. We're just waiting on them fixing something up so we can move in. :D

Today's is a quick post as we're off to SeaWorld for the day. :)



Success Stories:
Still no self harm!
I stood up to my fear and went on a ride I've wanted to go on for years. As it turned out, I didn't like it and won't be doing it again, but I still stood up to that fear!
I set boundaries with a friend and stuck to them.
I've been working on telling myself that I look good.
I talked to my doctor and because I was well prepared, I got the medication I wanted prescribed to me.
I'm taking my new medicine appropriately.
Been getting lots of decluttering done and throwing out lots of things I don't need.
Threw out several SI tools.
I also threw out stuff I was holding onto from my wedding -- not because I felt like I "had" to, but because I honestly didn't want it anymore.
I swallowed my pride and asked my mother for a loan so I can attend my brother's wedding. She's thinking about it.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
SeaWorld
MovieWorld
Giraffes
Adam
Moving!
Pocket Frogs (iPhone game)
Good friends
Dolphins
Excitement



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I look great!
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday :)

Aww, things didn't quite pan out the way I was thinking with my news to share, so fingers crossed but it's looking likely for some time in the next couple of weeks. More to come later! ;)



Success Stories:
Still no self harm! I think we're in record territory again here. ;)
Because I know I don't always have the most realistic view on things, I arranged for Adam to be present during a doctor's appointment (tomorrow) to discuss a couple of things my doctor needs to know before I go on some OTC medication I want to take.
Managed to get a bit of stuff done in my room this week.
I've been reading again - a good sign for my concentration!
One thing I've been trying to do lately is downsize the amount of "stuff" I have, and I've been able to get rid of a fair bit this week.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs (the iPhone game).
Adam.
Hope.
Excitement.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine... Wednesday? ;)

Oh dear, another very late Sanguine Saturday post. Things here have been a little bit crazy and a large bit busy, plus I was a bit ill with a headache for a couple of days. I've something big in the works, but I don't want to write about it until I know for sure what's happening, but hopefully by next week I'll have some good news to share.

I'm relatively stable at the moment, despite the crazy reasserting itself around the newness of my relationship and a few things going on with my physical health; I've fallen in love with a new song -- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon -- and become somewhat obsessed with an iPhone game called Pocket Frogs. If you have an iPhone you should definitely try it, it's adorable. :D



Success Stories:
Still NO self harm!
I'm working on some stuff that is a bit of an issue for me right now.
My weight has remained fairly stable despite the Christmassy eating I did.
I'm working on my boundaries still.
I'm still working on changing how I deal with things.




Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs.
New music.
Having things to look forward to.
Teasing (in a nice, fun way).
Mario Kart
Whoopin' people who think they're going to win at a race... :p





Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to explore who I am. It's okay to have likes, dislikes and even *wants*.
Letting myself be loved and cared about isn't a bad thing.
It's okay to make healthier choices for myself.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Very Late Sanguine Saturday!

Oops. I forgot to take my laptop with me when I stayed over Adam's after my birthday... then didn't make it home until last night, whereupon I forgot to post!

Things are still going okay for me, despite "reality" and "the crazy" reasserting itself around the new things in my life - which is as expected. And for once I'm taking a much healthier approach and actually *talking* about things with my partner.
There were some hurts around my birthday, but on the whole the day was probably the best I've had in many years, for which I'm very grateful. Now it's the aftermath and that's not as bad as normal either, so I'm feeling more positive than I usually do about how things will go over the next little while.

The one big blight on things at the moment is that my unlimited sessions with my psychologist ran out and I'm now only able to get a maximum of 18 sessions with her this year - maybe even less. However, plans to move are stepping forward, with a few small changes that I'll be discussing with Sonia next time I see her before implementing, but if she thinks it's doable, it's something we'll look into within the month.



Success Stories:
Still no self harm
When a situation was upsetting me, I spoke to Adam and we left.
I spoke to the nurse about something very uncomfortable for me.
I'm continuing to explore and push at my boundaries (carefully)
I'm changing how I deal with things (into more constructive/positive coping techniques).



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Feeling safe.
Adam.
Hope!
Fairy floss.
Beating Adam at the car racing (arcade). :p
Teasing and playing and having fun.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to explore who I am. It's okay to have likes, dislikes and even *wants*.
Letting myself be loved and cared about isn't a bad thing.
It's okay to make healthier choices for myself.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Another Late Sanguine Saturday

Oops! I got so distracted I completely forgot it was Saturday... and then that it was Sunday! Oh well, better late than never, and since I've not been to sleep yet, I'm considering it still Sunday. ;)

It's been another lovely week, though I've noticed my usual birthday anxiety is beginning to rear up again. Never mind - on the plus side, most of my supports are back this week, just in time. ;)



Success Stories:
Still absolutely no self harm. Is this something of a record?
I followed the agreement Adam and I made -- even when he didn't! :p
I followed medical directions and since that didn't work, I'm going to follow through and speak to the nurse again tomorrow.
I'm continuing to explore and push gently at my boundaries in safe ways.
I handled some uncomfortable moments and difficult conversations instead of hiding and pretending nothing was going on.
I'm giving myself the opportunity to learn who I am.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Feeling safe.
Giraffes.
Fruit mince pies and custard.
Beginning to learn about me!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to let myself be cared about.
Just because someone is frustrated (or annoyed, or angry, or whatever emotion!) because of something I did doesn't mean that they don't like me anymore.
It's okay to allow myself to be vulnerable.
Exploring as an adult says nothing bad about me.
It's okay to be not comfortable with some things. It's okay to say no to those things.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Sunday - New Years Day edition. :)

Happy New Year, everybody! I was going to post this up yesterday, but I was busy, and figured it was better to wait until today anyway so I could properly wish you all a good new year while I was at it. ;)

Things are continuing well for me, despite a few small hiccups. I'm doing better than I have in a long time, and as an added bonus, I'm actually happy! I'm feeling safe, in general, and it's really showing. Last night I kicked back on Adam's couch playing DDO and had a single drink -- with probably half a nip of vodka -- and felt no desire to get completely blind. It was lovely.



Success Stories:
I followed my plan on keeping myself as safe as possible while my support team are away.
No self harm.
Survived Christmas at my brother's place.
Continued exploring and gently pushing at my boundaries.
I spoke to my nurse about a physical concern I had, even though it was very embarassing for me.
I followed medical direction instead of pretending a problem didn't exist.
I'm giving myself the opportunity to learn how to be loved.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
DDO.
Cinnamon nuts.
Adam.
Falling asleep on Adam's lap/in his arms.
Feeling safe.
Catching up with friends.
Feeling loved.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to let someone love/care for me.
Exploring my boundaries as an adult says nothing about my childhood.
It's okay to say no to things I'm uncomfortable with. Nothing bad will happen because of it.
It's okay to let someone in and be vulnerable.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Post-Christmas (Late) Sanguine Saturday

Well, I had inntended to post this up on Christmas day and wish you all a good one, but I was a little busier than I expected to be and wound up with no time to write a post up at all. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Boxing Day though!

Things are going well here still at the moment. I spent Christmas day with my family, and the night cuddled up with Adam (boyfriend). I'm spending most of my free time with Adam in general lately, and I'm barely at home. ;) Unfortunately this has meant not really being able to catch up with some of my friends, but the time with Adam is both enjoyable and healthy for me, so I think it does even out. And with most of my support team on holidays for the next few weeks, the less time on my own the better -- the urges to be destructive are still there (of course!) but much more easily managed when I'm out or with Adam than when I'm alone in my room.



Success Stories:
I formulated a plan for how to keep myself as well as possible while my support team are on holidays.
No self harm at all.
I worked through another example in my therapy homework and got it right.
I navigated some difficult conversations with my support team, instead of avoiding them completely.
I talked with Adam about some things that were bothering or worrying me.
I helped my mum with some of the Christmas "baking" she had to do for Christmas at my brother's place.
I got the kids' presents wrapped in time.
I've been exploring and gently pushing at my own boundaries.


Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Safe touch.
Adam.
Giraffes.
Christmas.
Christmas lights.
Safety.
Feeling like a princess.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to look after myself.
Just becaause I've always reacted in a particular way doesn't mean I have to keep reacting in that way.
It's okay to make choices about my own body, and it's okay to say no to things I'm not comfortable with.
It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday!

Goodness, it might only be a week since my last post, but my, how things have changed. For the first time since I've been living here (about 5 years I think), I am in a relationship again. We met about 4 years ago, so we know each other pretty well, which is good! He came prewarned about a lot of my issues ;) which is also a good start, and I think we're good for each other. He is definitely good for me!



Success Stories:
I followed medical directions.
I attempted my therapy homework worksheets - and admitted to Sonia when I was finding it too challenging.
I admitted my concerns about Sonia not being available over the Christmas break if things go a little wonky.
I spoke to my nurses about contraception. Not because it's a concern right now, but better sooner rather than too late, and also because my new medication is one that you absolutely cannot get pregnant on.
Only one incident of self harm!
No burning. No drinking.
I asked my brother if he would sell me his DSLR camera. In the end I decided to buy a different camera, but asking was still an achievement!
I'm making plans to ensure that my upcoming "traditionally difficult" days are less difficult. Like making sure I have plans for New Years!
I named the rest of the fish at Sonia's office and suggested another breed because they're talking about adding more fish.
I helped my mum out by making (minus the sticking-on of roofs) some matchbox advent calendars.

Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Adam
Better medication!
Fun plans
Christmas!
Late night walks
My new camera!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Having trouble with my therapy homework doesn't make me stupid.
Being considered a parent is a privelege not a right. I have the right to make healthy and safe decisions about who I spend time with, no matter WHO they are.
It's okay to be properly vulnerable sometimes.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Post-Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Sunday



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Saturday snuck up while I wasn't watching! Before I write this week's Sanguine Saturday, though, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support after my last post.


Success Stories:
I followed medical directions (mostly).
I did my homework and socialised with friends.
I won a prize during one of the bonus questions at trivia -- true, it was because I'm sad enough to recognise Spongebob from three characters (Gary, Karen and Patrick), but still! ;) A free drink is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll.
No burning.
Took the dentist information to the doctor so I could get started with a health care plan.
Did some self advocacy by requesting different medication as I wasn't happy with the side effects of the Avanza.
Managed to knuckle down and do two of the many cards I need to get busy making.
Had a very difficult conversation with my psychologist.
I named several of the fish at my Spychologist's office (Koda, Deb, Flo and maybe Freckles). Cartoon theme, apparently, because one of the other fish, a white Molly, has been named Kimba!



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Light night walks.
Books.
Scrapbooking & cardmaking.
Good doctors.
Cool new scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies.
Plans for fun activities.
Trivia.
Coke Zero.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to have emotions.
Going into hospital wasn't a failure. I took responsibility for my health and I did what I needed to do to work towards better health.
Just because something might look like a personal rejection doesn't mean it is.
It's allowed and okay to want things.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.