2013: "Connect" - goal breakdown.

This started out as a response to a blogging friend, Tracie at From Tracie, on her One Word post for 2013. I was probably halfway through my comment when I realised that I may as well take part in One Word this year myself.

But, since I'm me and can't ever seem to manage to do things quite exactly as intended ;) (you'd think I'm a trend-setting, boundary-breaking, rule-bucker or something, if I did it on purpose), I'm going to actually detail what I see my word as meaning for me and my goals this year. Don't misunderstand though -- these aren't resolutions by any means, merely goals and 'directions' for 2013.


My word for 2013, based on the goals I've been setting in place with my support worker and other personal goals I've decided on lately, will be "connect". Pretty much all of my goals fit with the word "connect" in some form, even if not in the most obvious way.

Not only do I want to grow by making connections between past experiences and current behaviours/thoughts/reactions (and then working to change them), but I want to build friendships and connections with people as much as I can this year (especially building up a local friendship base). I also want to strengthen my connection with myself, by doing things that I enjoy and that are good for me.


So, because pinning goals down makes them more achievable (for me), let's look in more concrete terms about what that all will mean for the next year, and what my goals actually are. (Plus, this way I'll be able to revisit them more easily and keep myself on track for following them!)

Social Connections:

• Build friendships in my local area. This is one my support worker and I are working on together, and we're still ironing out the details, because it seems that meeting people isn't the problem - it's moving beyond "you're a 'stranger' I chat to" into "you're a friend".
• Build/maintain social connections outside of the local area. This one's got several parts to it: making sure I'm using my energy wisely and connecting with the 'right' people (those who add to my life); committing more fully to blogging again (posting and replying); and building social networks in some of the places I frequent online (more on this one further down).
• Connect with my chosen family. I would hope I strive to do this anyway, but an extra reminder to myself can't hurt. I want to get back into regular "date" activities with Bumface, exploring the local/semi-local area, and as our family grows & changes, so will the ways in which we connect.

Emotional & Health Connections:

• Connect with the positive things in life. Not only do my blogs (and my general nature) help me do this, but Bumface and I are keeping a "2013 Positive Experiences" Jar (thanks Pinterest!). I already added my first entry. :D
• Deal with the past, the present, the future. We're working towards getting me into DBT again, and perhaps after that maybe back into some specific sexual assault counselling.
• Work towards sorting out my teeth.
• Work on being able to eat in public/around people. (For those who don't know, I have a bit of a weird thing about eating in that I'm fine with complete strangers or those I know extremely well, but am usually otherwise uncomfortable to the point of avoidance.)

Creative & Self Connections:

• Read more. I intend to read at least 110 books in 2013.
• Add to my DeviantArt collection with works both new and old. Get back to posting to both my Photography and Creativity blogs. (Photography blog was updated yesterday, in fact.)
• Be more creative: make more cards and experiment with old and new artforms that I enjoy.
• Spend more time exploring things and places that inspire and uplift me.

The first two categories are the main part of my focus this year, but I certainly don't intend to neglect my "for fun" group either!

How about you, do you have any goals or resolutions for your 2013? Are you trying the One Word idea, or something totally different, or nothing at all?

Ten Things

It's taken all day, but this was so worth doing. On a forum I'm part of someone came up with the idea of putting together a list of ten things about ourselves that have nothing to do with our SA. I've taken it on board, and extended it to be 10 things not linked to my SA or the rest of the stuff in my past OR my mental illnesses. And, of course, in keeping with DD's theme, I've tried to keep them positive focused.


1. I love to wear odd socks, but I only like it if they are the same size & style and match in some way (eg, same pattern but different colours). This isn't because I want to stand out, or make a fashion statement, it's because I like variety and I enjoy wearing a coordinated rainbow.

2. Until I was in my early 20s I had never seen a giraffe (except in books/on TV). Seeing my first one made me fall so completely in love with them as a species that they are now my favourite animal beyond a doubt.

3. I love good poetry, it's like a warm sleeping bag I just want to climb inside and breathe in.

4. My higher power is love because I believe it's part of everything.

5. I like to use my imagination to create things, I have a strong streak of creativity that influences most things I do, and one of the ways I use it most is in crafts. I am not overly fussy about my medium but usually play at scrapbooking, card making, jewellery or the making of dream catchers.

6. I am a qualified childcare worker and I did that for five years before I had to leave the industry for a while. Despite everything, it was one of the best parts of my life and I hope to work with children again some day.

7. I have a very active sense of humour and I laugh a lot, generally even (perhaps even especially) when I'm having a hard time.

8. I love fantasy. I might be a grown up but I still believe in magic and faeries and I believe that even though they may not exist now, other so-called fantasy beings probably existed in some form.

9. I love deeply and well, with a lot of loyalty.

10. I like to look at things in a way that's a little out of the ordinary, and I like sharing that with people in the form of poetry or photography. I love taking photographs of unusual angles so much that I am willing to lie down under a bus seat in order to capture the beauty of a piece of broken glass glinting in the sun.


That was a lot harder than I expected, but I'm glad I did it. What are your ten things?

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Kam kam, ruz be ruz

Today's title came from my dear friend Sonya. It's an Arabic saying that means "little by little, day by day", and applies primarily to this first section of today's post.

During a discussion about self harm (expounded upon in the bottom half of this entry), my friend bought a quote by Chuang Tzu to the metaphoric table:

Easy is right. Begin right and you are easy. Continue easy and you are right. The right way to go easy is to forget the right way and forget that the going is easy.

I got confused attempting to follow it, but once my friend explained that it was about finding your authentic flow (aka "your true gut knowledge") and going with it; and that when you authentically struggle (as opposed to superficially struggling), it means you are headed in the wrong direction.

It's an interesting idea, but requires you to be able to hear your true gut knowledge -- and I'm just not there, yet. I'm still trying to get to know who I am at all. I get lost on where I begin; I struggle to identify what is fundamentally 'me' and what is merely a by-product of the answers I give to please others or get urges/desires/'needs' met.

And, as Sonya pointed out, maybe that's what I need to be focusing on at the moment. Instead of trying to be this incredible, wise, "together" person, maybe I just need to take it little by little and concentrate on finding the basics of who I am, and once I know that, then I can refine who that person is.


As for the second part of my post, I'll spoiler this here and now. It is self harm focused, quite frank and mildly graphic.




Yesterday, as I mentioned, was a difficult day. For the 4th time in just over a week, I needed stitches: my doctor was, understandably, not very happy with me. For the first time in his treatment of me, he spoke to me only twice. The first time, he asked if I was planning to do more to myself "at the moment"; the second, all he said to me was "remember what I said last time?", then he turned to the nurse and continued, "if she needs anything tomorrow or in the next few weeks, call Holly". He stitched me up without another word to me then walked out.

I admit, I don't generally interact a whole lot with my doctor at the best of times, and I've never actually 'needed' him to warn me that the anaesthetic will sting; or to check that I'm not feeling anything as he puts the stitches in... but he's never before neglected to do either.

I felt rejected, betrayed. I felt abandoned. My head understands that he needs me to get used to seeing other doctors, but all my heart saw was that he has effectively dropped me because I 'failed'. I recognise that my heart and my head are in contention, and I recognise that the truth lies far more in my head than my heart, but I still need to go that next step and bring the two to alignment. I need to find Wise Mind.

After I got home, I had a very interesting discussion with two of my good friends. We have talked before about my self harm, and my inability (unwillingness?) to admit that it is "severe". At this point, I'm uncertain about why I still do it - most of the time it brings little relief and I already know that it creates more problems than it solves. And still, I do it anyway.

I have learnt to reason my way out of almost anything, as long as others aren't involved. During DBT, my therapist and I butted heads over the self harm thing time and time again. She couldn't get her head around why I would seek medical attention if I didn't view my self harm as severe; and I do understand that to a point. On the other hand, though, I have seen first hand the effects of a nasty Staph infection -- and how easily it spreads. I'm not at all bothered by the idea of having such an infection myself (apart from the thought of the resultant antibiotics!). What I'm not comfortable with, though, is the thought of being responsible for someone else contracting it. And that, purely and simply, is why I show up time and again to get my wounds taken care of - because I know that if I don't, I do get infections.

But I digress; I was talking about severity and self harm. I justify it to myself, telling myself that I don't really "need" those stitches. I have never had a wound so deep that to not get stitches would endanger my life. I tell myself that my burns can't be all that terrible - after all, I've never required a skin graft. I've never broken a bone through self harm, I've never given myself concussion, never actually required immediate first aid. My head tells me that, the way things stand, my self harm cannot possibly be 'severe'. And yet... my heart says, "this isn't right".

If I don't feel pain, it's because (to my mind), I obviously haven't done enough damage. If I do feel pain, I am weak and pathetic - "anybody else wouldn't even blink at this". Somewhere in me I know this is wrong. I know that if you don't feel anything from a wound, it is generally a sign of nerve damage or at least of dissociation/disconnection from the body. I know this... but I can't get myself to see it as applying to me.

My head and my heart are in contention again, and ironically, if my friends' perceptions are accurate, this time it is my heart that is right. How did I get so desensitised? What will it take to open my eyes?



Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
If my friend chooses to remove me from her life, it does not necessarily mean I have done something wrong.
My doctor has not abandoned me.
I am not a bad person.
All things pass when we let them. This will, too, as long as I choose to allow that.
I can't change things I may have done in the past, but I can make different choices in the future.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.