30 Tuesday Truths: Two

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 02 : Something you love about yourself

This one is harder than I thought it would be, to be perfectly honest. Don't get me wrong, I figured I'd have trouble with it -- but I thought I wouldn't be able to think of anything I even like about myself, let alone finding several I had trouble choosing between!

I could have gone with the colour of my eyes (blue-grey-changeable). I could have gone with my ability to enjoy things I'm not good at (like backyard spots, or singing, or dancing). I could have gone with how family oriented I am or how much love I have to give/share with people. There were several other ideas I entertained as well, but I am starting to feel a bit like I'm 'tooting my own horn' here, so I won't list them all. The point is, there's actually a fair bit about myself I've learned to, if not love, at least like. And some days I do even love those aspects of myself.

I could have gone with any of those things above (or the unspecified ones, of course) but instead I've chosen to go with my innocence, (child-like/childish ness) and naivety, in most of its aspects. I know a lot of people don't appreciate this in me, and others see it as a wall or mask I wear, but this is, quite frankly, one of my favourite things about myself.

I love that the small things interest and amuse me because I haven't let go of that part of myself. I love that it takes so little to make me happy (aside from my mental illnesses). I love that this part of me allows me to see beauty in things that others look right past. I love that I get excited about big events like Christmas or seeing snow for the first time, and that I also still get excited about the little events like seeing a puppy being taken for a walk or receiving a letter in the mail. I love that I haven't lost the ability to create, imagine and play.

I love that I have not allowed my past to blind me to the love, happiness and beauty that is in this world.

How about you, what is it you like or love about yourself? I challenge you to find at least one thing and either comment it or write it on your own blog (and comment your link!). :)

An Outpouring of Love

A few weeks ago I got it together and I spoke to a GP about changing my medication. After a short discussion, he agreed that it was for the best, even though the Paroxetine has been very helpful and effective.

If you've ever come off an antidepressant, especially one that was working quite well, you are probably smacking yourself in the forehead or at least giggling away to yourself, because you know what's coming. You're right.

I fell, surprisingly quickly, into a pretty bleak place. I needed all of my skills to keep my thoughts from running away from me, and even with that, I found myself crying a lot again. Sometimes over bigger things, sometimes over silly things. Still, I kept fighting and doing my best to use my skills and cope, if not constructively, then at least not destructively. And it worked, to a degree -- I wasn't destructive. I didn't fall back into my old patterns of self harm or drinking.

But still... thoughts and worries plagued me. Some things have been on my mind for more than a year, others that are more recent. Finally, after countless hours of writing and rewriting in my head what I wanted to say and yet also was terrified to say, I posted on facebook asking for the people who care about me to remind me that they do. I needed so badly to hear from someone other than just my self that I wasn't kidding myself, that there really were people out there who cared.

And my friends came through for me. Some of the messages left for me made me cry. Some of the messages left for me made me laugh. All of the messages left me in awe of knowing such a wonderful bunch of people.

In all honesty, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love people shared for/with me. Some people I haven't talked to in ages left a message telling me I still matter to them. Some people (from whom I particularly didn't expect it) told me they think of me at random or in certain situations. Some people, with whom I developed a friendship through the suicide of a mutual friend, reminded me that though distance makes things harder, hearts are still open.

Some people told me the things they love about me. Some people just quietly slipped in and left their love. Another of my friends, my Eeyah, wrote a lengthy message about how I am like "The Little Train That Could". I'm going to share this next bit of her message because she's absolutely hilarious as well as awesome.

"You've had a shitty life (I'm sorry, but you have!), life has not so much handed you lemons, but chopped down all the lemon bushes, made a bonfire and danced around it. And you're still fighting!"


I wish I knew how to show everyone who left a response how much it all meant to me, and how deeply grateful I am.

Chrysalis Stirring

Dear world,

I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.

I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.

I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.

Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.

I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.

I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.

I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.

And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.

Thank you,
Chrysalis.

Affirmations

I did something pretty scary today, but I'm too all over the place to write about that just now, so instead, here are some statements from the little affirmation-y type cards that my counsellor shared with me today.

* It is safe for me to speak up for myself.
* I stand on my own two feet. I accept and use my own power.

* I am not responsible for other people. We are all under the law of our own consciousness.
* It is no fun being a victim. I refuse to be helpless anymore. I claim my own power.

* Everyone in my life has something to teach me. We have a purpose in being together.
* As I change my thoughts, the world around me changes.

* Each day is a new opportunity. Yesterday is over and done. Today is the first day of my future.
* I know that old, negative patterns no longer limit me. I let them go with ease.

* I have the strength to remain calm in the face of change.
* I am in the process of making positive changes in all areas of my life.

* It does not matter what other people say or do. What matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself.
* I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax. My whole body calms down.