An Outpouring of Love

A few weeks ago I got it together and I spoke to a GP about changing my medication. After a short discussion, he agreed that it was for the best, even though the Paroxetine has been very helpful and effective.

If you've ever come off an antidepressant, especially one that was working quite well, you are probably smacking yourself in the forehead or at least giggling away to yourself, because you know what's coming. You're right.

I fell, surprisingly quickly, into a pretty bleak place. I needed all of my skills to keep my thoughts from running away from me, and even with that, I found myself crying a lot again. Sometimes over bigger things, sometimes over silly things. Still, I kept fighting and doing my best to use my skills and cope, if not constructively, then at least not destructively. And it worked, to a degree -- I wasn't destructive. I didn't fall back into my old patterns of self harm or drinking.

But still... thoughts and worries plagued me. Some things have been on my mind for more than a year, others that are more recent. Finally, after countless hours of writing and rewriting in my head what I wanted to say and yet also was terrified to say, I posted on facebook asking for the people who care about me to remind me that they do. I needed so badly to hear from someone other than just my self that I wasn't kidding myself, that there really were people out there who cared.

And my friends came through for me. Some of the messages left for me made me cry. Some of the messages left for me made me laugh. All of the messages left me in awe of knowing such a wonderful bunch of people.

In all honesty, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love people shared for/with me. Some people I haven't talked to in ages left a message telling me I still matter to them. Some people (from whom I particularly didn't expect it) told me they think of me at random or in certain situations. Some people, with whom I developed a friendship through the suicide of a mutual friend, reminded me that though distance makes things harder, hearts are still open.

Some people told me the things they love about me. Some people just quietly slipped in and left their love. Another of my friends, my Eeyah, wrote a lengthy message about how I am like "The Little Train That Could". I'm going to share this next bit of her message because she's absolutely hilarious as well as awesome.

"You've had a shitty life (I'm sorry, but you have!), life has not so much handed you lemons, but chopped down all the lemon bushes, made a bonfire and danced around it. And you're still fighting!"


I wish I knew how to show everyone who left a response how much it all meant to me, and how deeply grateful I am.

Chrysalis Stirring

Dear world,

I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.

I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.

I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.

Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.

I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.

I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.

I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.

And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.

Thank you,
Chrysalis.

Returning from the mists -- & a question re friendships

Hello world!

It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.

My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.

My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.

Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.

My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.

My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)

The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.

My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.