Life (Or Something Like It)

No, I have not done my usual "blog and disappear". I'm still here. :)

Things have been busy here. I'm struggling to create a balance between study, home and social life. It's harder than I remember back when I was working -- but then again, it's more important to me to ensure my balance is healthy now than it was back then. I don't know how much I'm reclaiming of who I used to be. I think, instead, I'm butterflying into a new person. Hopefully, in time, I'll become a person with a better grasp of socialisation and emotion management, too.

As I ease back into blogging, there are likely to be format changes. I've changed a lot since I started this blog (thank goodness), and my goals have changed. Something that hasn't changed is that I still want to use this blog as a place to help myself process things, and I also want to keep using it to help others. I don't know what that will mean for the blog at the moment, so please just bare with me in the interim.

What's been on my mind in the last few weeks has included:

* Why am I struggling with my study?

I've felt like I've really struggled with the last few units I've done. I don't know whether it's that my headspace isn't right (my depression has flared up in the last little while, and with it extreme amounts of anxiety -- plus I've had two recent deaths to grieve), the units are just getting harder, my way of learning isn't as practical with these units, or I'm just plain too stupid for this course. Most likely it's a combination of factors. Still, no matter what it is, I have no intention of quitting. I can do this. I will do this.

Plan of Action:

• Keep going.
• Attend college 3-5 days each week as much as possible.
• Get help from tutors, peers and friends where needed.
• Monitor depression & anxiety - bring it up at next appointment with pdoc.
• Remember to actually use my Valium.

* Rejection/Abandonment/Conflict

All three in one because they're very interconnected for me. We all know these things have long been something I struggle with. Conflict (that isn't actually conflict) still leaves me torn up inside for months. I'm trying so hard to get better with this, but the unresolved emotions at the heart of it all are still very much holding me back. It's so bad it's actually become a real quality of life issue, and I don't want it to continue. I don't know what else I can do other than to keep going, keep trying, keep fighting, so I will do those things and keep experimenting to find new things.

Plan of Action:

• Experiment with new "tools" to handle conflict/rejection/abandonment (whether real or perceived)
• Watch friends and peers amongst themselves. Be aware of how conflict is handled between others -- use it as evidence of how those people will handle conflict with me (eg, if when in conflict with J, E walks off for a break, then finds J an hour later and they talk it out & their friendship remains strong -- use this as evidence E will not end friendship over small conflict).
• Keep on top of thought challenging -- "conflict is part of life, and most relationships don't fall apart based on conflict that is addressed", "I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes".
• ?

Those are the big ones I'm struggling with at the moment. As always, please feel free to throw suggestions at me for my own action plans. But... what about you? What's something going on in your life that you could develop an action plan for addressing? Feel free to blog and leave a link, or just answer in the comment section, and I'll see you tomorrow for some Sunday Sunshine.

30 Tuesday Truths: One

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 01 : Something you're working to change about yourself

Originally, today's topic was "something you hate about yourself", but I wanted to put a more positive spin on it. I don't need an indepth written explanation of what I dislike about myself -- I already know my flaws and would rather work to accept, improve or change them than to continue hating myself for them!

One of the things I've been working hard to change is my reflex to perceived/actual abandonment and rejection. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but it's important that I learn to work with and around it. When I feel like someone's pushing me out of their life, instead of going quietly without questioning it, nowadays I try to at least confirm it first! I still have a long way to go and a lot of work still needs to be done, though.

One of the things I've been doing to bring about this change is to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. If someone appears to be pushing me out of their life, I like to do a reality check -- does it seem that way to others whom I trust? If I were to see it from the outside, such as watching a friend go through it, would I expect the friend to react/feel similarly?

Another thing that helps me is, as I mentioned earlier, confirming it with the person or people involved. I prefer not to do this until after I've had a 'reality check' because I worry that people will find reassuring me too much work if I need it too often, but there are definitely times I would have done better to ask straight out. I'm finding that there are certain circumstances in which I can more easily accept the person's answers as truth/honesty rather than suspecting guilt has played a part (either subconsciously or consciously), so I try to make sure I ask in ways that don't push those buttons, that way I can trust the answers I receive.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to be able to say that I always check in with others and weigh up their possible/probable motivations before I respond to abandonment (perceived or real), and that the negative 'trigger' responses are controlled in their intensity and duration. For now, I can say that there is some progress in coping with the abandonment and the internal responses, but I still definitely wouldn't call it controlled in intensity/duration.


What have you been working on changing for yourself and how have you been doing it?

On Invisibility & Responsibility

Apologies for the very late Sanguine Saturday post -- I wanted to complete this one first, and it has taken me this long to get it done.

Over the past little while I've been exploring the concept of invisiblity (in the symbolic, rather than literal, sense). What is it that makes some people more visible than others; and how much of that belongs on which side of the equation?

For myself, I've felt fairly unwelcome and invisible in several layers of my life recently. I suppose unwelcome isn't necessarily the right word, but certainly invisible is accurate. I've had times where I've wondered if I actually even still exist; if I dreamed my half of a conversation or if perhaps I simply forgot to say what I thought I'd said.

At first I told myself I was being silly. I told myself I was blowing things out of proportion and overreacting. I had, afterall, just come back after a bit of time away -- and before I went away, I often felt unwanted (possibly due to things in my own head). However as time went on, I began to speak about it a little with one or two other people -- people who had noticed the ways I had seemingly faded, and gave me confirmation that it wasn't all in my head.

Reassured that this wasn't entirely a case of borderline 'paranoia' or personal misconception due to insecurity etc, I began to explore why it might be so. What is it that I am doing that is leading to this response? IS it something I'm doing? I asked a few people in a general sort of way and I gave thought to their responses, however as they were responding in general terms (my own fault, as I'd asked in that capacity!) it was difficult to see what to apply to my situation and what not to.

Many theories have bounced around inside my head. Some combine both parties; others are concerned mainly with others' impressions/beliefs about me or focus on my failings. None of them have made me happier or bought me closer to a resolution. I wanted to talk to the people concerned directly, particularly the ones who matter most to me, but it's not the sort of thing I want to bring up in a Facebook message, and I haven't managed to catch them when I've been around online in order to really speak about it -- especially since I'd rather speak to as many people at once than deal with going through it individually.

Instead, I continue to theorise, to remind myself that there are people who do consistently choose to have me in their lives (in whatever capacity is possible at the moment) and to remind myself that these people wouldn't make that choice if I were fundamentally flawed to such a degree that I am not worthy of any friendship/caring/love.

And so... I bring this to you, dear blog friends. Have you ever felt this way? If you did, how did you handle the situation? How did other people respond to your management of same? And/or, what do you think makes some people more invisible than others and how much of the 'blame'/'responsibility' for that lies where?

Turbulent Waters: I'm Really Not After A Miracle!

It's no secret that life's been a bit of a rough trot here, lately. Part of that is due to circumstances in my life right now/recently, part of it is not having medication that works properly, and another part is not having a large enough support network offline.

Whatever the reasons, though, the end result is the same: I've been struggling for a while, and things aren't getting better on their own. After yet another bout of what's being termed "severe self harm", my doctor last week decided to push for me to be seen at the free mental health clinic again. I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to hold out too much hope for a better outcome than last time, I told myself that I would be okay if/when nothing came of it.

Everyone else was so sure something would come of it. Surely. Surely, they had to see that I wasn't making it on my own now. It's been just under a year since I was closed off the books, a year since I did DBT. I've been using my skills, even this blog itself is proof of that. I fight every day to be okay. Surely they had to listen now. I started to let my hopes rise. And then I was given an intake appointment.

So I began to get more invested in the outcome. I began to believe that I had a chance at getting real help again. And then the call didn't come when I expected it.

I felt let down, but I told myself that maybe they were just busy. Maybe I misinterpreted what Intake had said, that I'd got it wrong and that they would call at a later date. A few days after I had originally expected the call, I was about to head out when my mobile rang.

"Hi C, it's [old case manager] here from mental health."

My heart skipped a beat. This was the case manager I'd worked with prior to DBT; the one I'd worked really well with and trusted. I thought she might be calling to say she'd be my case manager again.

"I just wanted to let you know what the Intake team have decided about your case. Now, you've done DBT. You clearly don't want to stop self harming, there's nothing more we can do for you. You know there's no miracle cure, medication isn't going to fix you. We have decided not to take you on."

I was gutted. Crushed. The crushed hopes were bad enough alone, but to have them crushed like that by [old case manager] was like being told by Santa Claus that he wasn't even going to bother leaving you coal. A few minutes of silence followed where I fought my tears before she added insult to injury with,

"What did you even expect to come of this? What do you want?"
"I... I don't know. I-"
"Exactly. So, bye then. Good luck with everything."

I was hurt. Betrayed. Crushed. Gutted. Afraid. For a little while I was even furious. Not just angry but actually furious! How could they? I have fought so hard for so long. I try so hard, I have made so many changes. My feelings were a confused jumble of negative emotions and I cried fairly hard at first. I pulled myself together and left for my appointments, but the emotions didn't go away. They're still right there, because this is a big hurt.

It got bigger when I went to report back to my doctor and found that mental health had got there first and read him the riot act about how manipulative Borderlines are. My formerly supportive doctor greeted me with "do you even want to stop self harm? How much?" then proceeded to tell me again that there is no miracle cure, and told me that since I have done DBT mental health are not interested in wasting their time or mine.


I am tired of being told that there is no miracle cure. I am not looking for one! I'm not afraid to put in the hard work, I've been doing that. It's not working (enough). I know medication makes a difference for me, when it works. I know that. Why won't anybody in a position to do anything about it listen to that?

Dear mental health professionals,
Please, stop assuming that because I happen to have a label with a bad rap, I fit what that label means to you. Please stop assuming that wanting medication that works for me is synonymous with "I want a miracle cure". Please stop assuming that because I'm struggling to stop self harm it means I don't want to. Please stop assuming that I have manipulated my GP into advocating for my treatment. Please just stop making harmful assumptions about me!

I'm asking for help, not a cure. If I didn't have the BPD label, you would be falling all over yourselves to help me. Your labels are supposed to be there to help, not hinder, my treatment.


And now, since mental health is again a non-option, we're back to square one. Where do I go from here? It's so tempting to give up - all the professionals have, why shouldn't I?

Because when I give up, there'll be no chance for it to get better. And because I deserve better than that. I am getting a psychologist referral, and I will take my 6-12 free sessions and do what I can with that. It's better than nothing.

And so I go on putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best to get through each day however it comes. Imperfectly, certainly, but until I can move (something that I can't do until I receive the money from my settlement over my knee which is currently held up due to an error) it's my best option.


Challenge and cheerleading statements:
* Things are not as hopeless as they seem. This isn't forever.
* This situation does not reflect my value.
* I deserve better than to give up on myself.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Mucky Monday: Rejection & Abandonment

I've had a rough couple of days. Then again, sometimes it seems like I bounce from one bad day to the next. First of all, I struggle to be okay with being okay (more on that in another post, I think); and then, of course, life keeps happening, and I struggle with the ability to find my feet there.

When mental health closed my file, I was told to make an appointment with my GP and connect with him. I was told to see him approximately as often as I had been seeing my psychiatrist (I am curious if she ever listened to a word I told her about the extent of my self harm - I see my GP a couple of times a week in regards to that) and check in with him in regard to how I am doing.

Let me preface this by saying that as much as I'm about to use powerful words such as "knew", this is mainly conjecture. To start off this new plan, I had organised an appointment with my GP for today to discuss the letter and make sure he was happy enough with the plan. I knew, as soon as I mentioned it, that he was not happy. We are staying with that plan, for now, but he made comments along the lines of "we will find an alternative if you continue to deteriorate". I am not hopeful that there are any alternatives left; but that is not a bridge to cross today, so I am choosing to leave it. Perhaps if/when it does become relevant, there will be new avenues to take that are not currently open to me. The future, after all, is not set in stone.

As he provided the necessary treatment, my GP mentioned to me that he is planning to leave for a month. He stressed that it is absolutely imperative that I begin to see one of the other GPs in the practice while he is still there. His concern is that if I do not, and I need to see a GP while he is away, the situation will end in my needing hospital. I agree that this is not at all a favourable outcome (and my heart secretly wants to beg him not to leave, thus solving the entire situation).

So, on the heels of mental health closing my file, and my ex husband's new fiancée giving birth to his daughter, the sexual violence counsellor I managed to attain after leaving DBT (unfortunately I was not able to hook back in with my old counsellor, but the new lady is one I am familiar with through various art activities run through the centre) is going to be away through all of my upcoming major trigger dates/events, the nurse that I see for wound dressings was away... and now my GP is also leaving. Is it any wonder my normally high fears of abandonment and rejection are so high they're staring down at the stars, at the moment?

Like most people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I am hypersensitive to abandonment and rejection. Usually to decrease the chances of it happening, I will people please to an extraordinary degree. In this situation, there's very little I can do along those lines. No matter how much I try to be 'good', my GP is still going to take his holiday. My counsellor is still going to be away. Mental health are still finished with me. I feel at a loss, as I fear that everything I have put faith in to be there and sustain me is fast disappearing. Soon all that will really be left is me, myself and I.

Knowing those fears are there, though, doesn't mean I have to bow down and give in to them. I have a choice, now: I can choose to see this as yet more rejection and abandonment, and throw in the towel; or I can choose to see that these events are not necessarily connected. It's a hard path to take, to choose to see that these events may have nothing to do with me or each other; and I imagine I'll fall down a lot along the way, but I much prefer the place to which that path leads.

I am choosing to tell myself that it will be okay, that I can learn from this and grow, that I have the capability to live through this and come out the other side a better person.



Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
If my GP chooses to take a vacation, that does not mean he is personally rejecting me.
A slip is not a failure. I now have a new chance to try again.
The past does not dictate the future. Just because people have left in the past does not mean that people will always leave me.
I am not a bad person.
If someone is upset by actions I have taken, it does not mean they cannot like or love me anymore.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Spreading my wings, but I still stumble

Every day, the whole world over, people are living, dying, breathing, smiling, crying, being. Thousands of lives experiencing tragedies and comedies. There's a very real sense of connection, of camaraderie, in that; you're unique, but you're not alone.

Once again my good intentions fall out the window. I'm still reeling from the sense of abandonment regarding yesterday, and after engaging in my pleasant event scheduling, I came home to find that my ex-husband is now the proud father of a little girl.

I've taken time to sit with my emotions. I've worked on mindfully applying distress tolerance techniques when I think I can't bear the pain another second. I've typed out lyrics as they play (keeps hands and mind busy), I've tidied. I've attempted self soothing. I've taken a small vacation and curled up in bed for a few hours (reading my book, followed by a short nap). I've watched NCIS, attempted craft, played games. I've spent time in mindful exploration of my crystal. I've read positive quotes, worked on my goals (both setting and working towards accomplishing), challenged my thoughts, made plans for tomorrow. I have made efforts to turn my mind towards acceptance.

I've reached out, reached in; opened up, closed up; ricocheted in and out of skills. I believe I am doing all that I can to 'deal' with the situation - the only aspect that is in my control is how I respond to the information, so that is where I am concentrating my efforts.

Still, I am tired inside my bones and my heart aches for what might have been. That's okay, and I am still sober.


As the days go by, I am slowly beginning to shape my vision for this blog. Originally I had planned for the entries to be almost entirely thought based; along the lines of my first couple; expanding of my knowledge on the skills and where I am at (in a positive frame), now I suspect that won't work. I'd like to make sure I'm posting something of real substance along those lines at least once a week; but a more 'real' record of what's going on in my life feels important as well - as long as I make sure to include positive ways I can cope/have been coping with the situation.


Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
The past does not need to dictate the future.
I can cope.
It's okay to hurt over this.
All I can change about this situation is my response to it.
I will not act in a destructive manner.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Even amidst my disappointment, there is growth

Although I had originally intended to follow through on my individual criterion focus this week, in sitting down to actually do it, I discovered that I could not get it to just "flow" quite right. In fact, everything I write tonight sounds either stilted or whiney. I'm scatty and I seem to lack any semblance of an attention span, but I've written and rewritten this entry a dozen times over, and I just cannot find my comfortable Blogging voice.

Today has been a difficult day for me.

After DBT ended, I knew that the plan was for me to be released from Mental Health, but when I spoke to my psychiatrist and let her know my concerns, she said she would talk to the team, and then we would discuss what was to happen at my next session (today). At that session I also made a completely unsuccessful attempt to be placed on a different medication. I resolved that I would work harder to get my point across this time. I did a bit of cursory research and came up with two alternatives that we've not yet tried. I made notes reminding me to use my DEAR MAN skills and to stand my ground. I also included a note and phone number to remind me to have her call my GP, as per his request from the last time I'd seen him. I assumed that once all of that was done, we would finish up and that would close my file, and I surprised myself by finally being more okay with it than I'd expected.

So, when I turned up for my appointment today, I was prepared. I held my folded paper in my hand, a tangible reminder of the work I had done, and the importance of being effective. I shook in my boots as I entered that room, but I worked to Appear confident. (Those of you familiar with DEAR MAN will recognise the A from "MAN" - everyone else, please just be assured I have not decided to begin random capitalisation!)

Before I had a chance to even begin to Describe the situation, my psychiatrist spoke. "I closed your case yesterday and sent a letter to your GP."

I froze; all of my false confidence deserted me. Where was the discussion she'd spoken about last month? I had come to terms, in part, with being transferred solely into my GP's care - but I still wanted discussion. I wanted to discuss the medication issue. I understand that medication won't solve my problems with self harm; I know that medications won't stop me from feeling. On the other hand, I have experienced (briefly) what it is like when the medications are working, and I would like to experience that again. And perhaps most of all, I wanted my GP to air his concerns to the psychiatrist so that she could reassure him, because my reassurances mean very little. I, after all, am the patient who presents regularly with what he terms "severe" self harm; the one who reassures him she's fine, only to turn up with new injuries a couple of days later.

I was humiliated when the next question she asked was "what happened to your face?" I am a skin picker. I don't view it as self harm (although throughout DBT, Sandy tried to tell me it was) and I feel that my reasons behind picking are very different to my reasons behind self harm; it is closer to a compulsion than an urge, and I am even more deeply ashamed of it than I am of self harm.

She spoke to the air for most of the time I was in that room. I nodded occasionally, said "yeah" a few times, and stared at a fixed point. I didn't bother bringing up the medication; without any prompting she launched into a speech about how I know the skills, I'm simply not using them; and another speech about how no medication will help me at all. I did make an attempt to have her call my GP, but she dismissed it, telling me she had written him a letter. Mostly what ran through my head was "don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry". I feel dismissed and rejected; I feel abandoned. I feel an extremely strong urge to self-destruct. Those are not emotions. I felt sadness, disappointment, guilt and anger. I feel fear that my GP will not believe that I tried to get her to call him.

I find that, also, I am disappointed that I went to pieces so quickly, disappointed that I didn't make better use of my DEAR MAN skills; and yet even in this I can see signs of change.

I allowed her to see that I was upset. I didn't talk to her about it, but for once, the emotions I displayed were congruent with the things I had been telling them.

I did attempt my DEAR MAN skills. This is growth, many's the time in the past I would let everything slide rather than ask for anything.

I identified and expressed the emotions I'm feeling about the situation.

I didn't listen to my urges to self destruct.

Apologies for the lack of thought on this entry, and the over abundance of whine. Perhaps tomorrow my brain will work better again.


Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
These feelings are unpleasant, but they will pass.
The urge to self-destruct is just an urge. I do not have to listen to or follow any urge.
I am adjusting. It will get easier. I am doing okay.
I have a good GP. If I explain to him that I asked her to call and she felt she had said everything that needed saying in the letter, then he will understand. If he does not understand, I have the skills to handle that situation.
This is not a sign that I am not worth helping, that I have been thrown away or that I am not good enough. This is a vote of confidence in my ability to manage myself for a while.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.