Post-Christmas (Late) Sanguine Saturday

Well, I had inntended to post this up on Christmas day and wish you all a good one, but I was a little busier than I expected to be and wound up with no time to write a post up at all. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Boxing Day though!

Things are going well here still at the moment. I spent Christmas day with my family, and the night cuddled up with Adam (boyfriend). I'm spending most of my free time with Adam in general lately, and I'm barely at home. ;) Unfortunately this has meant not really being able to catch up with some of my friends, but the time with Adam is both enjoyable and healthy for me, so I think it does even out. And with most of my support team on holidays for the next few weeks, the less time on my own the better -- the urges to be destructive are still there (of course!) but much more easily managed when I'm out or with Adam than when I'm alone in my room.



Success Stories:
I formulated a plan for how to keep myself as well as possible while my support team are on holidays.
No self harm at all.
I worked through another example in my therapy homework and got it right.
I navigated some difficult conversations with my support team, instead of avoiding them completely.
I talked with Adam about some things that were bothering or worrying me.
I helped my mum with some of the Christmas "baking" she had to do for Christmas at my brother's place.
I got the kids' presents wrapped in time.
I've been exploring and gently pushing at my own boundaries.


Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Safe touch.
Adam.
Giraffes.
Christmas.
Christmas lights.
Safety.
Feeling like a princess.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to look after myself.
Just becaause I've always reacted in a particular way doesn't mean I have to keep reacting in that way.
It's okay to make choices about my own body, and it's okay to say no to things I'm not comfortable with.
It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes.




Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday!

Goodness, it might only be a week since my last post, but my, how things have changed. For the first time since I've been living here (about 5 years I think), I am in a relationship again. We met about 4 years ago, so we know each other pretty well, which is good! He came prewarned about a lot of my issues ;) which is also a good start, and I think we're good for each other. He is definitely good for me!



Success Stories:
I followed medical directions.
I attempted my therapy homework worksheets - and admitted to Sonia when I was finding it too challenging.
I admitted my concerns about Sonia not being available over the Christmas break if things go a little wonky.
I spoke to my nurses about contraception. Not because it's a concern right now, but better sooner rather than too late, and also because my new medication is one that you absolutely cannot get pregnant on.
Only one incident of self harm!
No burning. No drinking.
I asked my brother if he would sell me his DSLR camera. In the end I decided to buy a different camera, but asking was still an achievement!
I'm making plans to ensure that my upcoming "traditionally difficult" days are less difficult. Like making sure I have plans for New Years!
I named the rest of the fish at Sonia's office and suggested another breed because they're talking about adding more fish.
I helped my mum out by making (minus the sticking-on of roofs) some matchbox advent calendars.

Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Adam
Better medication!
Fun plans
Christmas!
Late night walks
My new camera!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Having trouble with my therapy homework doesn't make me stupid.
Being considered a parent is a privelege not a right. I have the right to make healthy and safe decisions about who I spend time with, no matter WHO they are.
It's okay to be properly vulnerable sometimes.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Post-Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Sunday



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Saturday snuck up while I wasn't watching! Before I write this week's Sanguine Saturday, though, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support after my last post.


Success Stories:
I followed medical directions (mostly).
I did my homework and socialised with friends.
I won a prize during one of the bonus questions at trivia -- true, it was because I'm sad enough to recognise Spongebob from three characters (Gary, Karen and Patrick), but still! ;) A free drink is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll.
No burning.
Took the dentist information to the doctor so I could get started with a health care plan.
Did some self advocacy by requesting different medication as I wasn't happy with the side effects of the Avanza.
Managed to knuckle down and do two of the many cards I need to get busy making.
Had a very difficult conversation with my psychologist.
I named several of the fish at my Spychologist's office (Koda, Deb, Flo and maybe Freckles). Cartoon theme, apparently, because one of the other fish, a white Molly, has been named Kimba!



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Light night walks.
Books.
Scrapbooking & cardmaking.
Good doctors.
Cool new scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies.
Plans for fun activities.
Trivia.
Coke Zero.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to have emotions.
Going into hospital wasn't a failure. I took responsibility for my health and I did what I needed to do to work towards better health.
Just because something might look like a personal rejection doesn't mean it is.
It's allowed and okay to want things.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Tsunami (Otherwise known as "Where I'm At")

Some of you may know/remember that November is often a difficult month for me, and despite last year's improvement, this year was something of a set-back. I don't know how obvious it's been (either here or elsewhere), but my mental health has been declining for quite some time. There were several things feeding it, including another visit with my father, but the result is that for particularly the last several months, I've been very unwell.

I've been increasingly paranoid, guilty and ashamed, and withdrawing/guarding my comments, because my thoughts lead me to believe I'm unwanted anyway -- every comment or lack of comment has looked like a closed door; I've been losing large chunks of time and not even realising it; the hallucinations that are part of either my depression or the BPD, and indeed my entire sense of reality, have all gradually spiralled out of control; and all my efforts to right the roller coaster have only confused the issues more.

As a result of all this, after what had been I think around 3 years, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit for just over a week. I suppose I think that if I had just worked harder at being well, if I had tried harder, this wouldn't have happened. I find myself feeling deeply ashamed to have been admitted back there when I know that I don't think badly of anyone else who is admitted.

The upshot of all this is that my medication and my diagnosis have both been changed, and that there is talk of more intensive support being available, especially since the program I've been seeing my private psychologist (Sonia) under has now ended, leaving me with four sessions until next year (quite a drop since I had been seeing her 2 to 3 times a week). I'm not certain exactly what that support will entail but there was mention of a case manager to help organise some sort of housing, a public psychiatrist once a month or so and someone from the Mobile Intensive Treatment team to see a couple of times a week.

In the meantime, what I do know is that I've been put back onto Avanza (mirtazapine) - though how long that will last (as its sedating effects are already beginning to wear off) remains to be seen - and my diagnosis has been officially changed to also include Dissociative Identities Disorder. I must admit, it feels quite surreal to have that on my record after spending 12 years knowing but undiagnosed. I'm still sorting through how I feel about it, that's for sure.

There's been a lot of upheaval. There's still a lot of upheaval. I'm doing better than I was prior to my admission, but I'm still very unwell and struggling with many of the same issues I was having difficulty with before I went into hospital.

Sanguine Saturday

I know my last SS post was only a couple of days ago, but it *is* Saturday, and that means it's time for another SS post!

A lot of this week has been much like last week, and I do intend to write a post over the next little while with a bit of an update on what's been going on and where I'm at just now, but time, energy and shame factors are holding me back at the moment.



Success Stories:
I think I'm just shy of 3 months sober (again).
No burning.
I've complied with medical stuff all week.
I faced my fear and visited some people in a setting that made me anxious (and was glad I did, as my visit seemed to have brightened their day).
I've been stretching my touch boundaries again.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My Spychology centre now has fish as well as Cayle the therapy puppy! AND I get to name one of them!
Books.
Music.
Good friends.
Silly (and distracty) games.
New friends.
Seeing Alan Davies Life Is Pain this week!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can choose whether to act on my thoughts.
Sometimes it's okay to sit and "be" with an emotion.
It's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes sometimes.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday from my week away

Last week's Sanguine Saturday, finally being posted on my return!


Success Stories:
I was honest with my treatment team, even when I knew I wouldn't like the consequences.
I tidied my bedroom.
I kept myself safe (even when I didn't want to).
I asked for help from someone I don't normally "lean" on.
I accepted things graciously.
I told my nurse something relevant to my treatment that I hadn't previously shared with her.
I asked my nurse for a hug because I wanted one (huuuuuuuuuuuuge thing!)
I started making more solid moving plans.



Positives:
* Giraffes
* Fruit
* Rice/Corn cakes
* Coke Zero
* Soft toys
* Felt pens/colours
* People liking something I did



Challenges:
If everyone else has worth, who is to say I don't, too?
People have no reason to lie about liking osmething I did.
It's okay to do things to keep myself safe and to look after myself.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Phew, another busy day! I've been sorting out Christmas presents over the last few days, and hanging out with a mate, which has been great.

I'm not sure if I'll be around for next week's post, I'm thinking of going away for a bit without my laptop this week, and I'm not sure if I'll go for just a couple of days or if I'll take a week (or more!). If I'm not around a computer to post on Saturday, I'll just have to write one up and type it at a later date.



Success Stories:
I went to a movie with my mate and chose the movie. Which didn't turn out to be the best choice I could've made, but I think he's forgiven me anyway. ;) (He'll just have to choose next time!)
I followed health care directions, even though I really wanted to do the exact opposite.
I managed to do a couple of things that were extremely difficult for me.
When trivia was cancelled again, I didn't play the avoidance game by telling Liz not to come.
I came up with suggestions on what to do as an alternative.
I baked a (healthier) apricot and walnut loaf for my mum's friend to take to work, and everyone said it was great.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Christmas is nearly here!
Pretty earrings.
Pretty clothes.
Apple and cinnamon flavoured rice cakes!




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to do something towards looking after my health.
Neither feelings nor thoughts are facts.
It's okay to let someone do something nice for me sometimes.




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Friday



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Apparently it's Saturday again already. I'm very unwell at the moment, forgive the briskness of this week's Sanguine Saturday. (And please also forgive anything that makes little sense.)



Success Stories:
I had better posture at Jazzercise this week -- not, unfortunately, a better grasp of the moves, but still!
My ATODS worker and I decided together that I'm ready to begin tapering off my sessions as I am doing quite well with managing my alcohol problem.
I asked my doctor about going on a care plan so that I could get my teeth fixed and he began to put that in the works.
After speaking to my nurses and arranging ways of making it as bearable as possible, I booked an appointmet to have a (terrifying but 'necessary') health procedure done.
I followed through with my appointment and actually had the procedure done.
Afterwards, I went shopping to distract myself instead of ruminating.
I attempted to attend Pub Trivia with my friend, and when it was cancelled by the Pub, I came up with an alternative plan!
I've been wearing "girly" clothes, and things that actually show skin.
I helped my mum out by making a 100th birthday card for her to send to someone she knows.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Op shops, because then I can have "new" clothes without having to pay a fortune.
Fruit.
I have the two best nurses in the history of the universe ever.
Christmas is coming.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts. Nor are thoughts.
Things aren't always what they seem. Reality check.
I am safe.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Is it really Saturday again already? This week was another busy one and time just flew by. I really don't know what happened to it!



Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I got some scrapbooking done.
I dressed up and went out by myself to do something I really wanted to do.
When I went out, I had a proper conversation with someone who had been on my bus that I hadn't known beforehand and told her about trivia. (She mentioned she's only been in Australia for 5 weeks and doesn't have a social life yet.) I also had a proper conversation with another complete stranger!
I made it to Jazzercise again.
I took a chance about something and that led to sorting it out.
I went to Pub Trivia with my friend Adam.
I spoke to Nikki about options for the dentist and now have a plan to get my teeth sorted out that *doesn't* involve me having to go to the dentist by myself.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
QI. Majorly happy thing.
Finding perfect presents for people. :D
Giraffes.
Pretty new dresses.
Fruit.
Music.
Sonia (my rockin' Spychologist)
In fact, all of my support team.
Good friends.
Pretty Christmas fabric (so I can attempt a pretty Christmas dress for myself).
Christmas is coming!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Am I hearing what was actually said, or am I hearing an interpretation?
Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it can't be good.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

How was your week? Mine was pretty full on again - I had a fair few appointments, a friend joined me for Jazzercise and I explored rather too many stores. Three of those appointments this week were with Sonia, my Spychologist. Things with her are going really well, I think. I like her more every week and I think she's an even better fit than I thought in the beginning. My sessions are hard, but I am being very open and honest with her, although I've had a few moments of insecurity about things.



Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
No SI overdoses.
In fact, no SI at all! (Can't risk my new tattoo!)
I was able to be flexible enough to allow some changes into my week's "plan".
I posted in From Another Angle every day (except today, but I'll be sorting out a post there once I post this).
I made banana bread and it worked.
I tidied my room.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Friends.
Fruit.
Music.
Productivity.
Corsets! (Thanks to my adventure catching the wrong bus, I now own two!)
QI! Only 4 more sleeps!


Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can cope with anything I choose to.
Thoughts and feelings aren't facts.
"Not right now" is not the same as "never again". Be patient.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday After A Busy Week!

It's been an interesting week, and a very busy one at that! I think I was properly out (or close to it) every day since my last post.

A visit to the doctor's this week saw my medication adjusted higher, but of course there is no real expectation of any results for a while still.

A few days ago I heard back from CASV where I've been on the waiting list since I returned to Australia - my counsellor is taking some leave so they're going to discuss on Tuesday what to do about me, and then I'll probably hear again next week. It was good to catch up with Melissa on a few things, though - and it was especially lovely to hear the nice things she had to say about me. Apparently I'm always bright and chirpy on the 'phone, and (in person) when I talk, my eyes sparkle.



Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
No overdoses for SI (and this has actually been true for a couple of weeks! And I haven't overdosed for any other reason, either, which is also good.)
I went to Jazzercise (terrifying but the experience was brilliant)
I went to my alcohol counselling appointment (Michele)
I was able to make my next appointment with Michele for *three* weeks away!
I signed a 6-day safety contract that even included not burning.
I got my tattoo sorted so now it honours both of my children! (And isn't blurry or faded.)
Getting my tattoo done meant coping with touch for an extended period, and I survived it.
I posted in From Another Angle every single day.
I made it to the craft show today and I coped quite well with the crowds.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My tattoo.
Craft fairs.
Friends.
Fruit.
Music.
Packages that arrive and cheer up friends.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can cope with anything, as long as I choose to do that.
It's okay to get a reality check sometimes.
Thoughts and feelings aren't facts.




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things -- I missed this one last week!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday / Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

"I fell in love with you while you were still forming in my womb. Now I hold you in my heart instead of my arms." ~Unknown.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I wasn't sure whether I'd post Sanguine Saturday on this day, not even when I started this post, but it feels right to post it. The best way I can honour my children is to live well, not fall apart, and looking at my achievements over the week, and the positive things in my life, are ways of doing that.

So, 'Lyssi and Myk'i, this is for you.


Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've been keeping up with my exercise and it's showing. I'm much more fit than I was even a few months ago!
I attempted brownies, even if they didn't work. I also made muffins.
I told my doctor the truth, even though it meant narrowing my options.
I haven't cancelled any of my appointments with Sonia, even though several times I wanted to (out of avoidance).
I've spent some time doing creative things this week.
I did my therapy homework even though I absolutely dreaded it.
I'm opening up a bit more to Sonia every time I see her, and every time I do, I discover new ways that she is a really good fit for me.
I finally managed to get to a post office and send a couple of things off.
I reached one of my goals for my body, and am hoping to reach the next one soon.
I've started trying to get back into posting one of my photographs every day over at From Another Angle.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Cayle.
Music.
Good friends.
Torchlight.
Having a psychologist who cares.
QI.
Being more fit.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Other peoples' opinion of me says more about them than me.
This isn't forever. Everything passes eventually.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week! Lua, fern, I'm looking at you ladies in particular! ;)



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Another Saturday rolls around...

After going way too long on way too little sleep (even I have limits!), I asked my new doctor for something to help and he took me off the Pristiq and onto Nortriptyline then gave me some sleeping pills to tide me over. Nortriptyline is a tricyclic AD which is what my mother is on (Dothiepin for her) so I'm very curious about the results of this and vaguely hopeful. Unfortunately this one is one of the ones that takes longer to even begin kicking in, so it's unlikely I'll see results for at least two weeks or more likely, a month.



Success Stories:
No burning.
I've been snacking on healthy food instead of junk.
I've been trying to stay distracted.
I did something extremely difficult that I absolutely did not want to do (but needed to for my own health).
I baked muffins, bread and cake this week. (Not all on the same day!)
Mum's birthday went off brilliantly. She loved her card, her present, the dinner I made and her surprise cake. (And so did everyone else!)
I asked for help with my sleeping.
I let myself have a day off from my walks while I adjusted to the new medication.
I asked permission to photograph Cayle (and got it).
I've spent some time doing creative things this week.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Cayle.
Music.
Torchlight.
QI.
Getting sleep.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements (I've really been struggling with these lately.):
It won't last forever. Everything passes eventually, if we let it.
Forever is a really long time. A lot can change in that amount of time.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

An October Sanguine Saturday

Yep, it's Saturday again. Whatever I was sick with last week has cleared up leaving me none the wiser to what it was -- but the important part is that I'm better. Between the bug and the giant blister I gave myself (it was a blister on top of a blister on top of a blister...), I pretty much took this week off exercising. I did a little bit, but I majorly toned down my walking for the end half of the week. I'm back to it as of this afternoon, though!

In other news, at my psychology appointment this week Sonia and I discussed a new iniative being bought out by the government here because in November the mental health plan I was on was going to end anyway and she wanted to see me more often than once per week. So I'm being put under a plan called ATAPS which will give me unlimited sessions for the next two months, then I go up for another review and see from there. I feel good about this even though I know it's going to be really intense to have more frequent sessions.

This coming week is my mother's 60th birthday so I've been making plans to get her a really spectacular present and sort out a birthday cake for her that she can eat because she's diabetic. Busy busy!



Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I did some walking.
I took a break from my walking when it was made clear to me that I was doing too much while I was ill.
I've been keeping myself busy/distracted as much as I can rather than ruminating.
I spent time chasing my brothers up for my mother's birthday present, and I asked my brothers to do me a favour so I could make mum's birthday cake.
I disclosed some very difficult things during therapy this week.
I baked muffins.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Cayle the puppy whose name I have been spelling wrong. (He came into my therapy session this past week and it was awesome. He's so cute!)
Doing my washing and hanging it out on the line.
Music and singing.
Books.
Good friends.
There are giraffes in the world.
Torchlight and DDO.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not about then. It's not about when. It's about this moment.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
This too shall pass.
It's okay to have emotions, it's okay to feel.
It's okay to have thoughts and opinions. It's even okay to have thoughts and opinions that other people may not agree with.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday on Sunday Again

Another long week over, and I got so distracted yesterday I forgot to post this up. I've been sick with something a bit weird that mostly hits at night and leaves me alone through the day every second day (on the other days I feel ill for the whole day), though I have been more tired than normal, particularly at the start of the week. Whatever it is, I'm not a fan! If it continues with the excruciating pain part again tonight, I'll be seeing my new doctor tomorrow to discuss it.



Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been doing my walking (in between days of "too ill to move").
Connected to the above, I left the house four times last week!
I've been drinking more water!
I've been making better choices on what to watch - QI instead of SVU, for instance.
I stood up to my mother.
I picked up a book I would before have considered myself too stupid to read, and surprised myself by actually being able to follow it quite well so far.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Kale the therapy puppy who kissed my face all over and chewed my chin after my session, making me laugh. (And yes, I know, *germs*. Don't care! Puppy kisses fix EVERYTHING, even if for only a short time.)
Music.
Love (of all kinds).
Playing DDO with someone again.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
A choice between two kinds of abuse isn't really a choice.
It's okay to ask for reassurance when people have said they're willing to give that, and to clarify what was said against what I hear.
It's okay to ask for comfort.
I don't have to be perfect.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Some weeks are easier than others. This hasn't really been one of those, but it's ending now and that means there's the opportunity for this one to be better. Challenge statements have been very difficult this week and I suspect I might be a little less in rational-thinking mode than I would like.


I started with my new psychologist and am pleased by several things:
1. The therapy centre has a puppy, and my psychologist says she eats lunch with him most days. This is very encouraging.
2. She works with adults AND with children (so I'm thinking she is capable of being gentle).
3. She has worked with prison inmates (so I'm thinking she is capable of being tough).
4. She's capable of seeing through evasions but doesn't jump to conclusions.

Less pleased that she's already leaning towards hospital as an option, but at least she's being upfront about it. We'll see what happens.



I also took part in one of the heats for the National Poetry Slam '11 championship. I may not have won, but just the fact that I performed I think is an amazing achievement for me. I'm pleased and also I'm proud of myself.



Success Stories:
I went to my appointment with the new psychologist.
I went for a couple of decent walks this week.
I got myself signed up at the new medical clinic.
I faced my fear and went to the poetry slam, and then I got up and performed!
Even though I was reluctant, I signed a safety contract of sorts (that I will stick to) with my new psychologist.
Being proud of myself!



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Getting to hear everyone else's work at the poetry slam.
Kale the therapy puppy.
Music.
Walking.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Just because somebody is angry doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

September's Second Sanguine Saturday

Brr, the weather has turned quite cold again here -- really not a fan!

In not so surprising news, I'm still struggling. Last Sunday was Australian Father's Day, and I found myself visiting him as per orders. On the other hand, this time around my stepsister was there with her own family, and I had been somewhat looking forward (with some trepidation) to seeing her again. The aftermath of the visit has been pretty much as normal: depression, withdrawal, increased anxiety and far too many panic attacks - especially when I leave the house on my own.

Things will get better though, they always do eventually, it's just a matter of holding on until then.



Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've kept all my appointments.
I've lost heart a few times and I've struggled horribly but I haven't actually given up.
I stood up for myself.
I've been trying to ask for what I want/need, and practicing saying no sometimes to things that aren't okay (for whatever reason).
When I started to privately panic about the state of a relationship after finding out I couldn't get something I wanted, I stopped covering it up and told the other person and asked for reassurance that things were okay (and got it).
I cleaned my room.
I finished a scrapbooking double page.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Scrapbooking
Banter
Meaningful conversations
Rereading good fanfic
QI
Having a ticket to see QI live in Brisbane in November
Seeing my nieces and nephew again



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am safe.
The universe does not parcel out a set amount of "me-focus" that is allowed - not in specific relationships or in a general sense.
Feelings are not facts. "I feel worthless" does not mean "I am worthless".
It's okay to ask for reassurance and to check that things are okay.
It's okay for people to care about me.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

Wow, I can't believe another week's gone by already. This one's been a real challenge, but there's been some really good things to come out of it. Things are still really difficult, but I'm hanging in there.

After seeing a GP yesterday to get a referral to a psychologist and a new MH care plan, I'm back on antidepressants: the doctor was very upset that the psychiatric acute care team had told me not to bother with them because I "don't have depression". Unfortunately so far I'm having some very uncomfortable side effects -- but I think if they work, it'll be worth it, especially as the side effects should lessen over the next couple of weeks.



Success Stories:
No drinking.
To reduce my level of feeling overwhelmed, I've been keeping a loose to-do list.
I kept my appointments.
I weighed up my options and need for support against my boundaries and made a decision about which support worker to work with.
I asked for, and got, what I most needed at the doctors.
I found a way to not lose my nurse when she told me she was leaving my doctor's practice. (So much rather lose my GP than my nurse!)



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Being back on medication
Scrapbooking
Some of my photos from my trip are better than I had thought
How I Met Your Mother
QI



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Maybe instead of [interpretation], it means that I will do difficult things if I can see some good that could come out of it. (Thank you Rich!)
Wanting touch with someone, even at this point, says that I crave consolation and safety and comfort and knowing that I'm cared about. It doesn't mean I want or deserve what happened to me. (And again, thank you Rich!)
Feelings aren't facts.
It's okay for people to care about me.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Pixie of Cloud Illusions with What Was Not Wrong Today



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday At Home

Here I am, back home in Brisbane. After my epic flight, I arrived on Tuesday night - I'm still way out of whack with times and getting very confused a lot.

In other news, I'm not actually doing very well. I'm struggling a huge amount with overwhelming emotions, loneliness (and a sense of loss now that my trip's over) and urges, and coming back to find out I don't have access to most of my support system (or to the people who can give me the documentation I need in order to move) was quite a blow.



Success Stories:
No burning.
I started conversations with strangers on my flights back/in airports.
I called and set up an appointment for next week with my alcohol counsellor (first available appointment).
I called and placed myself back on the waiting list with CASV and I have an intake appointment next week.
I went to call government housing in Canberra (and discovered I don't need to until I have my supporting documentation).
I called my support worker -- and discovered that she's now changed positions so I'm back on the waiting list there, too.
I pushed on my boundaries when I found I didn't like the restrictions they were placing on me when I returned here.
I've been practicing asking for things.
(Sort of fits above, but I want it to be a separate point as well) I've been practicing asking for reassurance and for clarification of things instead of just assuming.
I bought my nephew's birthday present.




Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Poetry. Writing it, reading it, helping convince friends to write it... ;)
Opportunities for growth
Good friends
Australian food! ;)
Music.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to be honest about how I am doing.
It's okay to ask for things I need or want. Asking doesn't mean expecting, it doesn't mean demanding, it just means asking.
One day doesn't ruin everything. It doesn't negate the work that came before that day.
I have emotions for a reason, they serve a purpose. It is okay and important to feel things sometimes.
It's okay for people to like things about me. It's okay for people to care about me.




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
River of My Verse with Great Things



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday from Sweden

Another week gone already, and I've spent most of this one in beautiful Sweden. I've done so much processing lately, it feels like constantly. I'm still processing things from the early part of my trip. I know it's good and healthy, but I hope the sand stops shifting underfoot some soon.

Some interesting conversations this week have pulled out some possible misconceptions and possible distorted thoughts, but I need to work out what I'm going to do with/about those, if anything.


Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been trying to do things to change my situation.
I managed to get to the airport and catch my plane all by myself even though I was really struggling.
I've learned the Swedish words for down and thanks -- ner & tack.
Still exploring my touch boundaries.
Exploring some difficult/uncomfortable discussions in safe ways.
I've been making some small decisions.
I've been putting work into thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home.
I tried (successfully, I think) a new poetry form -- cento.


Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Poetry
Sweet little Swedish doggies
Safe touch


Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not a disaster if I make the wrong decision on something.
It is entirely possible that not everybody is going to ditch/leave/abandon me.
Sometimes it's okay to share how I'm feeling.
I don't have to be perfect.




Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Final London Sanguine Saturday

Oh my, Saturday again already? Well, technically Sunday, but as I've only just got in, I'm going to count it.

Well, tomorrow's my last proper day here in the UK (I fly to Sweden on Monday, and although I'm back again after Sweden it's only overnight and then I've an early flight back to Australia), and I'm really quite sad to be leaving it. Happy, of course, to have the opportunity to go see my Swedish friend, but despite the crazy, despite some hard times, I've really enjoyed the UK and I've loved the people I've met. And especially these last few weeks, I've really done a lot of growing, which I think is something to be pleased about.



Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking. In fact, as it's the 7th in Australia, I can announce that I'm now 3 months sober.
I've continued to push at my touch boundaries.
I've been practicing some new ways of interacting with people. (True, I get it wrong sometimes [a lot], but I'm trying, and that's important.)
I've done really well navigating myself around London.
I've done some scary but cool things -- like the London Tombs experience! (And oh my god was it ever scary for me!).
I've handled my money better than I expected to.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Opportunities for growth and change.
Being brave enough to do some of the things I wanted to that I didn't think I could manage on my own.
Forehead kisses from safe people.
Zoos and squirrels.
Being called pretty (even though it was also very difficult to hear and created a lot of confusion and mixed feelings!)



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to ask for clarification if I think I might have misunderstood something.
It's okay to ask for touch, to accept touch, to enjoy touch. It's okay to share that with people I care about.
Sometimes it is okay/right/best to tell the person I'm with if I'm not okay.
It's okay to make mistakes and be imperfect.
I don't have to take on board every single thing that someone says about me. I can take it, see what fits and what is helpful, and I can leave the rest.
I don't have to fix everything *right now*. It's okay to prioritise and leave some things aside to work on at a later time.




Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Late Sanguine Saturday Again

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been very busy! I'm also having trouble writing lately, anything I start sits for hours as I struggle to find the words I want to use.


Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been working really hard at pushing some of my boundaries.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends
Calling my nieces on the phone. The 10 year old asked me where I was ("I'm in the Tower of London, which is in London") and then asked me if I'd been to the UK yet. The 7 year old asked me if my bed was in the Tower of London!





Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
All things pass eventually (if we let them).
Sometimes things need to be faced down, and sometimes some things need to be faced down a dozen times.
It's okay to make mistakes and get things wrong sometimes.




Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

My latest ever Sanguine Saturday!

Oops. Sorry for the extreme lateness of this one. I have to be honest -- at first I was deliberately not posting this because I was doing very poorly and I was not being healthy about it. Since then, though, I did make the decision to post it but got distracted and busy instead! So, ignoring this week so far, here's last week's Sanguine Saturday!



Success Stories:
Although I did almost buy a bottle of vodka (even stood in the store holding it for about half an hour), I did put it back and walk out without it.
No drinking.
I made some small decisions.
I met two more of my friends who I hadn't met yet!



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
New types of sweets
Time with friends
Kitties




Challenge and cheer-leading statements (I really struggled with these this week - I'm having a lot of trouble working out what is accurate/appropriate):
Feelings aren't facts.
It's better to try and get it wrong than just to give up.
It will pass if I let it.



Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday in Scotland

I move on to Manchester on Monday. I'm going to miss Scotland!



Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I had the option to let someone else order my food for me (easier but not healthy for me when I can do it myself) or order my own (challenging but healthier), and I made the choice to order my own.
I was brave and tried haggis. It actually tastes quite nice.
I made some simple decisions in a reasonable timeframe.




Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Being able to help someone when they needed it.
Spending time with my best friend.
Finding a giraffe shaped lollipop.
Pub trivia.
Music.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Having a hard time while on holiday doesn't mean anything about me except that I'm having a hard time.
I don't have to be perfect to be liked.
It's okay to let people know I'm having a hard time.
It will pass if I let it.



Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Sunday

Man, have I really been in the UK three weeks already? Unreal! Can't believe I almost forgot to post this, too!

This week has been a little rough intermixed with really awesome. I've been catching myself reacting to my emotions in ways that I'm not very keen on (mostly to do with food), but for the most part I don't have the energy to fight against that too, so I'm letting it go for now. It's not healthy but it's not altogether destructive, either.



Success Stories:
No drinking.

Made it to an AA meeting here in Scotland. Only actually understood about half of what was said, but that's okay.

I found the AA meeting all by myself, and then navigated myself into the city! Since navigation is not a strong point of mine, there was a real urge to throw up my hands and put it in the too hard basket (especially since I was feeling quite anxious about the meeting anyway), but I didn't.

I survived a night full of strangers, and actually enjoyed myself in the end.

No burning.

I made some decisions! I decided what tours I was going to do, with which company, and then booked myself on two.

I've been making an effort to talk to strangers, even ones who don't have a child or animal in tow. I learned that it's less scary to me if I start the conversation.

I identified (with help) something that was making things hard for me (not having been properly creative in way too long), and I did something about it by going to a craft shop and buying supplies for paper mosaicing.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Scottish candy (or, to be fair, pretty much any candy).
Spending time with my best friend.
Playing darts for the first time since I was little (I SO need to put a dart board up).
Singing.
Avenue Q.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings are not facts.
Someone can be upset at me and still care about me.
Things aren't black and white. There is grey in everything (and that's okay).
I really mean that first one. Really. Feelings are not facts.



Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Alcohol Recovery: On Being Selfish & Feeling Guilty

As we sat and worked together on my relapse prevention plan, Michele and I discussed various aspects of what I would be facing on my trip in terms of alcohol stressors. I identified some of the major ones quite easily - I, for example, expected a large portion of my friends would be drinking when we went to the pub, and that this, in turn, would prove difficult for me.

We hashed out strategies like leaving the room, taking a short walk, even just going to the bathroom. We talked about saying no. And Michele made a suggestion, I don't even remember what exactly it was, but I balked. She wanted me to be selfish. Now, don't get me wrong. I can be selfish. I'm pretty good at being selfish -- when it's unintentional. What I struggle with is the idea of deliberately setting out to be selfish (or even, to a degree, getting my needs/wishes/desires met or recognised).

So... I balked. We discussed it, I still wasn't comfortable with it. We didn't write it down as a strategy because we knew I was too uncomfortable with it to use it. And then a situation came up that it sort of got used rather by accident.

Sat around the table after dinner, everyone began discussing where we'd go next - whether we'd have a drink or go our separate ways (which, admittedly, wasn't entirely all that separate). A few people expressed an interest in going for an alcoholic drink and my best friend turned to me to ask how I felt about that plan.

Now, bear in mind, please, that by this stage I'd been around someone who was drinking almost every day for almost a week. The night previous I'd had to bail on my friends because I couldn't handle the pub atmosphere. I was very aware in that moment that if I went to a pub with my friends, I would not have been able and willing to stop myself ordering a drink. My reserves were at a minimum - beer looked good.

I admitted that if "they" were to go to a pub, I wouldn't be joining them. Not really my style, I'm better at tagging along and forcing myself to just cope with it until I can't anymore - better that than what transpired...

Because my friends decided that they wouldn't go to a pub. They wouldn't go for an alcoholic drink and we would instead go to Starbucks. (Which turned out to be closed, adding more difficulty and more guilt.)

And it was the sweetest, most lovely gesture. And I can't even put in words how much I struggled with that. Because now everybody was accommodating to my wishes, to my selfishness. And that's exactly how I felt - selfish.

They wouldn't need to, if only I could drink responsibly.
They wouldn't need to, if only I could be a grown up.
They wouldn't need to, if only I could suck it up.
They wouldn't need to, if only I could act like a normal, sane person.
They wouldn't need to, if only I wasn't such a screw up.
They wouldn't need to, if only I wasn't so weak.

If only, if only, if only.

I could carry the if onlys on but there's no point in rehashing all of them, because they're not separately relevant. There are a thousand reasons I was uncomfortable with everyone changing their plans to accommodate me - and while in some ways, all of them matter -- in the ways that count right now, none of them do except that I felt so selfish.

I felt, too, that I had forced my friends into the position where they had to choose between spending time with me and doing what they wanted, and that's something I'm very uncomfortable with, as a whole. (And it takes very little evaluating to see that this is probably where a part of my difficulty in making decisions that involve other people in any way comes from.)

In the time since that night, I've done some work on teasing out the stuff behind that, and one of the things I found was that (in addition to and separate from my belief that I as a person don't deserve concessions because my worth is less than others - which is a whole separate thing that after years still needs serious work) I believe that since this is my own fault, I have no right to concessions for it. If, for example, my knee was causing a problem and everybody wanted to climb Mount Everest, and I were to say "I'm not capable of that, let's hike Mount Gravatt instead" and people changed their plans to accommodate that, I would be far less uncomfortable...

But my knee is not the problem. My alcoholism is. My desperate need/wish/desire (I'm not sure which one best fits the way I feel about it though I know need is not physically accurate) to drink something that is going to destroy me if I don't force myself to stay away from it is the problem. And that's my own fault, my responsibility. How dare I put someone in the position to choose between something they enjoy and me?

And if they choose me, how can I allow myself to not feel guilty about that when I feel like they've chosen the raw end of the stick.

I am, as is probably obvious in this post, still struggling with how to find my balance and peace in this issue. Recovery is hard, and everything is still so tangled together.



Challenges and Cheerleading:
It's okay for people to choose me over drinking.
It's okay to say I'm not going to do something, even if that's what everyone else wants to do.
No matter what lies I tell myself, I am actually no longer capable of having "just one drink".
It's not worth the cost to drink.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday in Leeds

It seems so hard to believe it's only been a week since my last Sanguine Saturday as it feels like so much has happened, and yet time seems to be flying past me on my holiday. It needs to slow down because I'm really enjoying myself for the most part, and although I'm less 'sane' than I'd hoped to be, I'm still doing loads better than I was at home.



Success Stories:
No drinking - and this is made even more huge by the situations I've been in for a lot of the past week -- in addition to staying with some people who drink fairly heavily, I also was in a couple of different pubs around people I know who were drinking, and part of a large-scale group meetup where I was almost the only one who didn't drink.

No SI of any kind. Also quite huge, this is the longest I've been without any form of SI in (I think) a year.

I survived the tube in London! Not always unscathed, not always brilliantly, but I stuck it out and didn't get out before my stop at any point.

I socialised, and (hopefully) came across as fairly normal and sane, for the most part. I met people I didn't know, people I've known for years and adored but not actually met in person, and one person I'd met in person before.

I coped with someone I love being mad at me.

I actually approached someone who did something that was unintentionally uncomfortable for me to let them know so that they didn't do it again.

I held what was possibly the longest "my crazy" conversation I've ever had offline - twice - and didn't even cry during one of them. (Always a bonus.)

I made decisions! Small ones, and mostly they took me a long time to actually make, but that's okay.

Not really along the same lines as others here this week but... I've been taking some touristy photographs -- ones that will be suitable for scrapbooking later.




Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Knowing amazing people.
Squirrels! Hamsters! Pet chipmunks! Ferrets! Bunnies!
Beautiful and friendly cats.
Getting decent photographs.
Making good memories
Random lovely messages (even from people who I made seasick with my inability to stand still for a day!).
Kindness.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
My friends aren't going to just stop loving me. Proper friendship doesn't work that way.
It's okay to ask for things.
Most of the people I know have pretty good boundaries. It's okay to trust in their own ability to look after themselves.
It really is okay to want things or to decide what I do or don't like.
Just because someone is mad at me doesn't mean they will walk out of my life.



Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Midweek Musings: Some Thoughts On Touch

London is a huge learning experience for me in so many ways. One of the first things I did here was to take part in a large meet up with some of my fjriends from the internet. This in itself is a huge step as I have been talking to some (most!) of them for several years and never entirely believed I would actually be fortunate enough to get to know them in person, not even for a tiny little while -- but there were certainly other aspects that made this an absolutely enormous deal, too.

In amongst all of the small nudges of learning and skill development (and I'm trying very hard to use every uncomfortable thing as an opportunity to practice my skills), one of the big things that is coming up for me is my response to touch.

Most people who know me are aware that in general I am extremely uncomfortable with the concept of hugs and tacticle experiences - even to the point of actively disliking internet "hugs" (and other forms of touch) most of the time. It's one thing I have generally managed to have quite clear and consistent boundaries on online and sometimes in person - you don't get to touch me without my permission, even if other times I've been okay with it.

That said, and with acknowledgement and awareness of the fact that the "don't touch" boundaries have been quite heavy lately due to recent experiences, one thing I knew I really wanted to do despite everything, was to try and hug these friends while I have the opportunity, because who knows when I'll have another chance!

I went on to actually achieve this very well, and at first I properly surprised myself with how easy it all was. I expected some pretty big repercussions but there were no horrid flashbacks, no sudden memories crashing in on me -- just quiet recognition that it didn't feel like I needed to take off running and get away.

I doubt I've ever hugged so many people so much, and I don't regret doing it, but I was wrong that there were no repercussions or consequences of it, I just didn't see them at first because they looked so different to what I was expecting to see.

This time, instead of a straight jump from experience to flashback/memories, I had some different thought processes in between (although I didn't properly see them until a few days later). Some of the biggest of these were things like

"If I say yes to one person hugging me, I have to say yes to everyone who would want/give/take a hug."

"If I enjoy touch in this form, I am both asking to be hurt, and responsible for this eventuality."

I also have noticed in myself a very strong belief that others will find me dirty -- I was surprised any time anyone wanted to touch me, or accepted touch from me, and kept expecting them to get up and wash their hands/shower every time.

And now, days later, the thought patterns are beginning to trigger off some of those old problems... yet I am still feeling 'huggy'. Some of the people from the meet are still here, and I still want to hug them - it still feels safe and comfortable to hug them.

I'm finding this really tricky to navigate - though I still think despite everything, this is a huge step forward for me, and above all I am tremendously grateful I've had the opportunity(ies!) to explore this.



Challenges/cheerleading statements:
Every person and every situation is different. If I'm not comfortable hugging someone - whether that is in general, or in (a) specific circumstance, it's okay to say no.
Enjoying a specific instance of touch that I choose to allow is not the same as saying I asked for someone to take action against my body without my consent.
My past has not made me unclean.



Until next time, may you all find your own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday in Ireland

Goodness! Here I am in the United Kingdom! It's been a huge week for me. I suspect that's going to be true of every week for the next little while. ;) I've been in Belfast since Monday, and I head to London tomorrow.

I feel so much more brave and confident here, it's amazing. I realised at some point just how far away my father is right now and it was like a coat of anxiety that I took off. I don't have to worry about him calling or turning up or anything at all like that, I don't have to be so terrified that anything I do or say will be carried back to him through his connections. I'm half a world away and it's wonderful.




Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
Actually, no self harm of any kind!
I spent an entire day sitting with some incredibly uncomfortable feelings.
When I started getting overwhelmed I followed my RPP.
I handled an incredibly stressful situation -- due to delays on my first flights & a loooong hold up at UK Border Security, I missed my connecting flight to Ireland and was told that I would have to pay around $500 (au) in order to take a flight that day as there were no economy seats left. Not what you want to hear 29 hours after you've left your home airport! After reaching out for support and help (another success!), I was able to use my skills to return to the BMI desk and ask to be placed on standby -- a quick explanation and the lovely man there put me straight on a plane that I'd been told was booked solid for economy. (And I later counted at least a half dozen empty seats...)
I've been using my skills a lot to manage anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Kindness
Amazing people
Soft toys
Ice cream vending machines
Huge-normous stores that have EVERYTHING in them!
Photography
Making memories of a good kind
Beautiful sights
Climbing inside the ruins of castles and towers and amazing things that were started as early as the 12th century, and touching it and feeling that history singing through the stones.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I've come across the other side of the WORLD. I can do [whatever] too!
Who says I don't deserve this?
I'm an okay person.
It's okay to look after myself.




Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday -- last one before the UK!

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Apologies for the potentially less coherent post than normal, I don't think I have been this terrified in a while, and I don't seem able to calm it down. In 16 hours I'll be on the way to the airport and I'm pretty wired right now. I think it's really important I still do my SS post, though, because a) it's one of those things that helps to keep me on the right track in general, and b) doing it means I have to slow down and think a bit in a different way, which I sorely need right now.

I'm sure I'll miss a lot of things because I can't hold my mind still enough, so I'm going to acknowledge to myself that I've had a really big week with lots of small achievements that may not even be listed. (Because I know that's true even if I can't pinpoint all of those achievements right now.)



Success Stories:
No burning -- 2.5 months it's been now, I think.
Very little wound interference, hardly any trich behaviours and NO self harm at all this week!
On the 7th I earned my first AA chip for a month sober.
I used my skills to create a relapse prevention plan (for my trip) with my alcohol counsellor.
I got my photos in to the ekka and organised everything for my dreamcatcher entry.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Games consoles & the games on them
Having got my room all lovely and tidy in time!
Good friends
Soft toys!




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Even though this feels intolerable, it's not. Even if I can't catch my breath here in this place, it's okay to stay where it is. Eventually it will pass.
Worst case scenario, I pay a little extra or I buy something when I get home. It's not the end of the world.
Things probably won't go according to the "perfect" plan -- but that's okay! Sometimes when things don't work out the way we think we want them to, something better happens down the line because of it.
Whatever happens, whatever comes, whatever whatevers, I can handle it. I will handle it.




Apologies for the lack, but no outward links today. If you've posted your own version of Sanguine Saturday or positives this past week, feel free to link to it in a comment!

Sanguine Saturday -- the Silly O'Clock Sunday edition!

Oh man. There's one more Sanguine Saturday after today, and then I'm away! It got close very quickly! I've had some great conversations this week, with things to learn, things to learn from, some that were just really fun or soothing, and some that were just plain interesting.

Getting healthy has taken a bit of a side focus to allow me to work more heavily on getting ready for my trip -- which is, in a roundabout way, a way of getting healthier, I think. Certainly part of what building a life worth living means to me, so that's been good and important. Unfortunately alongside the business and excitement is a huge amount of fear that seems to be growing as the trip gets closer. I may have come close to this three years ago, but things are pretty different now (and being hit by a car less than a fortnight before leaving definitely added a couple of new elements of fear to this trip!) and this is closer than I got back then, anyway!

Still. I've got this. I can do it! I'm going to do it!



Success Stories:
No burning.
Four weeks sober.
Lots of tidying done!
I've been walking a bit.
I didn't cancel with my alcohol counsellor.
I negotiated with my brother to get him to take some of the stuff here in boxes (for garage sale/getting rid of) to my mother's friend's place for me to store it.
I made a To-Do list for myself for the time leading up to my holiday, and I'm doing pretty well at following it.
I worked out a selection of photos for the Ekka this year (and then I asked friends to halve the photo selection for me & used a tally system to determine which ones to enter :p).
I put in an entry form for four different categories of things this year!
I realised two things I think I like about myself! (That I'm the kind of person who enjoys meaningful discussions -- like discussing fictional constructs and whether the term fiction applies at all -- and that I'm the kind of person who can thoroughly enjoy something knowing they're not good at it.
I made this new blog layout/template for Dialectic Dichotomy as a distraction on a particularly rough night/day. (Feel free to let me know your thoughts on it!)



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends
Giraffes
Squirrels
My nieces and nephew
DDO
Pokemon on my DS (wow, can't say I ever expected *that* one to be there!)
The opportunity to learn how to like things about myself
Music
Tidying blitzes to make it easier/less scary to tackle



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It is okay to ask for help. Even if I don't get it, it doesn't mean I was wrong to have asked.
It's normal to be scared about what I'm facing! It doesn't mean I'm weak or stupid. Others would be scared in my shoes, too.
Nobody cares what I weigh or if I'm pretty "enough" or anything else along those lines. My friends like me because of who I am, not for/because of those things.
It's okay to find things to like things about myself.
I can totally do this.



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positives for the week
Jennifer of magnificasti mirabilia with Holiday weekend treasure!



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Who deserves help? (Or: "You've just tried to braise a pork chop in the toaster")

The other day I came home from my session with my alcohol counsellor with a fair bit to think about. After a bit of mulling it over, I decided to ask a group of people what the term "coping" means to them. I got a large number of answers, but only one that I was really looking for - but it didn't match my definition of it, either. The question (and the answers) sparked a different conversation with a good friend, about who deserves help and when -- on, of course, a more personal note.

Some of the things that came up for me in this discussion were some issues/concerns and some beliefs I hold that I've been challenging without fully recognising:
I think coping is equal to feeling like there's a reason to keep living/fighting, not struggling all the time emotionally, and I think I believe that the only people who 'deserve' help are those who aren't coping.
I am scared that Mental Health are right and that if I just tried hard enough, I'd be able to pull myself together and build a life worth living in a much shorter time frame than I'm currently managing.
I get upset when my counsellor says I'm coping well because I don't fit my own definition of what coping is, and I use that definition as my "proof" that I can check on to see if I'm allowed to ask for help (such as by seeing a counsellor).

I decided the bigger part of the discussion stands pretty well on its own merit in the form it's already in, with a few edits for clarity, conciseness or just punctuation/grammar (not even sharing of IRC logs allows for completely rubbish grammar on my blog!). That said, I should probably warn you - don't read on an empty stomach! Someone was clearly hungry! ;)


F(riend): Let's say you and I are taking a cooking class. It's the final test, they've told us to cook this outrageously complicated meal and we have two hours. I'm buzzing along, I know exactly what I'm doing, I'm doing it all right, but I'm a bit slow. You suck. You can't tell your ass from your apples and you've just tried to braise a pork chop in the toaster. When the chef comes along, who should get more help?

M(e): Me. Or someone should take me out of the running!

F: Yes. I'm doing alright on my own and would benefit from some assistance and if I want it, I should get it, but you aren't doing well at all. You're so confused and overwhelmed that not only will you not get your braised pork chops with apples and onions out on time, you will probably deliver - late - grilled cheese. And have absolutely no idea how you did it.

(This is, truthfully, almost how I cook for real! Analogy and reality crossover!)

F: Clearly you didn't get the skills you needed in Chef school so you should probably go back and try again. Both of us, however, are better off than the third chef who has all her ingredients, all her pans and spoons and things prepared, plenty of help and plenty of time... and is sitting there filing her nails instead. She does not deserve help, in my opinion.

F: This analogy carries over. Anyone with any interest at all in improving, no matter where they're starting - from "almost an expert but needs a nudge" to "ass over breakfast", deserves to have assistance. Some of us need more than others, some of us GET more than others but it comes in the form of a troupe of angry 6 year olds who think they're gourmet Chefs - not very helpful and a bit baffling as to how they can manage to hurt your feelings so much they're just tetchy little midgets, but that's what happens when they send you to the primary school for cooking lessons.

F: It's not like you went in there incompetent and came out incompetent. You went in unable to even open the bag of bread for peanut butter and jelly, and now you're making French toast. But there's only so much you can learn from idiots.

F: It's unfortunate that you happened to be in a place where the help they offered you was provided by baboons in diapers, but
a) you did learn many, many things from them... you took what you were given and you made something useful, which says not much about them but hours and hours of things about you, and
b) they've treated you pretty poorly, which is unfortunate, and I wish I knew why, but it doesn't really matter. What they have to offer, you have gotten. Until they learn the right way to put the sausage in the pan, they can hardly teach you to make the rest of breakfast.


Ignoring the somewhat hostile (but quite amusing!) view she has of the mental health professionals that have been involved in the main part of my care, she made some very important points:
It doesn't matter what "level" you're at, if you need the help, you deserve it. I was able to learn things, and that's good, but not having learned everything there is to know about how to build a better life for myself doesn't mean I need to be beating myself up for it.



Challenges & Cheerleading:
Just because I fit my counsellor's definition of coping doesn't mean I don't deserve to ask for help.
It's okay to not be perfect.
I have equal worth to others.



What does coping mean to you? Does your definition change if you apply it universally (as opposed to self-application only)? What defines "need" in terms of asking for or receiving help? What are your thoughts on the analogy and the message behind it?

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Another Cold Sanguine Saturday (Oh, Hello, Winter!)

I'm struggling a lot at the moment. I'm reading peoples' blogs, but mostly not commenting because I have nothing worth hearing to add. Almost everything's fallen by the wayside this week as I attempt to pick up the pieces after my family surprised me with half an hour's notice to get ready for my father to come over. I'll get there in the end.

In better news, I'm leaving for my holiday in two weeks. There's so much I need to do before I go, which, in theory, means there's less time for rumination! And that can only be a good thing. ;)




Success Stories:
No burning
Three weeks sober
I've been trying to do the right thing about/with my grafts
I didn't use my father's visit as an excuse to wreck everything
I went in and talked to the Optus man about options with my phone (for my holiday)
I managed to get some tidying done
I managed to do some exercising
I've been doing some writing to help me process some feelings/situations
I kept my plans to meet someone for lunch and then ate in front of her!




Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Squirrels and giraffes.
Being spontaneously told I'm good at something I love doing.
In a couple of weeks I get to spend face-to-face time with some of the people I love.
Moments of random, moments of silly, moments of weird.
Knowing that I don't have to deal with too much of Winter this year since I'm going where it's Summer!




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
What somebody chooses to do to me is not my responsibility - what I choose to do about it is.
Just because somebody rejects what I am offering doesn't mean I was wrong to offer it.
I don't have to apologise just for existing. It's okay that I am alive, it's okay that I am.
Anger is just another emotion. It's okay to feel angry.
It doesn't matter what numbers are on the scale, how many scars I have or how many mistakes I've made, I'm still a person and I still have worth.




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Wednesday
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday

I did this backwards today, and almost posted up last week's Sanguine Saturday thinking I was done because I started with the links to everyone else's! Then I got distracted with some cleaning...

My brother returns home from America tomorrow morning!



Success Stories:
No burning.
Two weeks sober.
No stitches.
I stood up and spoke at the AA meeting on Monday.
I walked every day this week and mostly for at least an hour/hour and a half.
When I found a new, unopened bottle of alcohol stashed in my room, I sent my brother a text and asked if he or his girlfriend wanted it. It's now in the loungeroom ready for him to collect!
I negotiated with my mother about the amount of board I'll be paying while I'm away - she wanted full rent and board but I talked her down to full rent and half board.
I stuck it out through a couple of difficult discussions.
I managed to get a few things done that I've been needing to do for a long time.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes!
Squirrels!
Getting things in perspective.
DDO!
Poetry - reading, writing, sharing and discussing!
Knowing that there are things that light me up inside.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Life is not meant to be black & white. Something can be neither one thing nor the other ... or it can be both!
Emotions exist for a reason, it's okay to have them and to feel them.
One day at a time, I can do this.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Feelings are not facts!



Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Wednesday
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things
M of some wild, strident argument with i'm glad you fellows liked the somewhat - positive post


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Black & White Can Be Sneaky

Sometimes unexpected discoveries pop up right in the middle of something else. Today my alcohol counsellor and I were discussing some of the things going on in my life at the moment, and in the midst of explaining my concerns over something nice someone had done for me, I came out with something very similar to "I'm worried because she annoys me sometimes, but she has done this really lovely thing for me. Now that she's done this, I'll feel guilty if I get annoyed."

Instead of agreeing with me, or testing me with what skills I can use to deal with the guilt, my counsellor looked at me for a moment and asked me what kind of thinking I was using. As she reminded me of what I know about thinking styles/patterns and how some are helpful & others aren't, the cacaphony of thoughts in my head ran something like:

Does this mean she thinks it's an unhelpful thought pattern? Why is it unhelpful? Of course I'll feel guilty if I get annoyed - I should! If someone does something nice to or for me, I owe them. Having any negative feeling around/about that person is clearly a sign that I'm not grateful enough. It would be extremely rude of me to be ungrateful after such a lovely thing was done for me. Knowing that doing that will make me a Bad Person makes these thoughts helpful because now I know I have to banish all traces of annoyance and override them with the more appropriate response of gratitude.

"I think it's helpful thinking," I answered her, and went on to repeat my thoughts on the matter. My counsellor paused and I could feel her gaze centre on me.

"Did you know," she began, "that if what you just said to me were true, we would ALL be in trouble? Even me!" I laughed and she added some more thoughts. "You've just told me that because someone has done something nice for you, feeling annoyed would make you a bad person and that if you feel annoyed it would mean that you are not grateful. Do you recognise anything about this thinking?"

Suddenly, it hits me. This is all-or-nothing thinking!

And it's been sneaking in and camping out unnoticed in a lot of places lately.

I don't know why it is, but for some reason, this style of black&white thinking still doesn't show up on my radar. I've got better, I think, at recognising that style in general, but it continues to elude me when it pertains to interpersonal skills.

I can't seem to find a better way to end this, but it's late and I need to start finishing up for the night. See you all later for Sanguine Saturday!



Cheerleading/challenges:
This is a good step and I can build on it.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Being offered something (or given something, or making a mistake, or loving somebody, or...) doesn't mean I have to give away all my rights.
Just because I can find a way to justify something as helpful doesn't mean it is.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Another Sanguine Saturday

The weather is getting colder - actually, in truth, it has overnight gone from "mm, summer" to "dude, how did winter get here so fast?!" So not impressed, but glad that I have only 20 days of "official" winter this year!

Feeling pretty crap most of the time, mostly I feel like I'm spinning my wheels but staying in one spot all the time. It sucks a bit, but it will pass - all things do, eventually. ;)


Success Stories:
No burning.
The whole week sober.
I've been drinking water (sadly, this is almost as big an achievement as "no burning").
I've been getting lots of exercise - most days this week I've been for at least an hour's walk (but the majority have actually been an hour and a half or two hours).
Even though I didn't "want" to, I followed decent medical care for something.
I made it to two AA meetings.
I survived mother's day.
I survived my stepmother's birthday.
I texted someone from AA when I was having a rough time.
I faced down my panic and showed up to a meeting with the Acute Care team and managed to score myself a medication review.
I've been taking photographs again.
I did a bit of tidying in my room.
I faced my fear enough to reconnect with my ATODS counsellor.
I talked to my support worker about rearranging my time with her so that I could go to one of the local AA meetings.
When something happened that was sending crazy thoughts going through my head, I spoke to the person involved instead of just freaking out and pretending it hadn't happened/avoiding the whole thing.

(For someone who doesn't feel like they've achieved anything this week, there's a pretty big list there... Hmm.)



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Clean stuffies!
That feeling when something you thought was going to be permanently stained comes out white as snow in a regular wash.
Knowing I finally have a proper medication review coming up.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Nothing is forever - this will pass eventually, as long as I let it.
I can survive my feelings, however uncomfortable they are.
Making assumptions about someone's motivations doesn't lead to anything but upset.
It's okay to feel what I'm feeling, I have the emotions I do for a reason.




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout with Tubular Tuesday


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.