Life (Or Something Like It)

No, I have not done my usual "blog and disappear". I'm still here. :)

Things have been busy here. I'm struggling to create a balance between study, home and social life. It's harder than I remember back when I was working -- but then again, it's more important to me to ensure my balance is healthy now than it was back then. I don't know how much I'm reclaiming of who I used to be. I think, instead, I'm butterflying into a new person. Hopefully, in time, I'll become a person with a better grasp of socialisation and emotion management, too.

As I ease back into blogging, there are likely to be format changes. I've changed a lot since I started this blog (thank goodness), and my goals have changed. Something that hasn't changed is that I still want to use this blog as a place to help myself process things, and I also want to keep using it to help others. I don't know what that will mean for the blog at the moment, so please just bare with me in the interim.

What's been on my mind in the last few weeks has included:

* Why am I struggling with my study?

I've felt like I've really struggled with the last few units I've done. I don't know whether it's that my headspace isn't right (my depression has flared up in the last little while, and with it extreme amounts of anxiety -- plus I've had two recent deaths to grieve), the units are just getting harder, my way of learning isn't as practical with these units, or I'm just plain too stupid for this course. Most likely it's a combination of factors. Still, no matter what it is, I have no intention of quitting. I can do this. I will do this.

Plan of Action:

• Keep going.
• Attend college 3-5 days each week as much as possible.
• Get help from tutors, peers and friends where needed.
• Monitor depression & anxiety - bring it up at next appointment with pdoc.
• Remember to actually use my Valium.

* Rejection/Abandonment/Conflict

All three in one because they're very interconnected for me. We all know these things have long been something I struggle with. Conflict (that isn't actually conflict) still leaves me torn up inside for months. I'm trying so hard to get better with this, but the unresolved emotions at the heart of it all are still very much holding me back. It's so bad it's actually become a real quality of life issue, and I don't want it to continue. I don't know what else I can do other than to keep going, keep trying, keep fighting, so I will do those things and keep experimenting to find new things.

Plan of Action:

• Experiment with new "tools" to handle conflict/rejection/abandonment (whether real or perceived)
• Watch friends and peers amongst themselves. Be aware of how conflict is handled between others -- use it as evidence of how those people will handle conflict with me (eg, if when in conflict with J, E walks off for a break, then finds J an hour later and they talk it out & their friendship remains strong -- use this as evidence E will not end friendship over small conflict).
• Keep on top of thought challenging -- "conflict is part of life, and most relationships don't fall apart based on conflict that is addressed", "I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes".
• ?

Those are the big ones I'm struggling with at the moment. As always, please feel free to throw suggestions at me for my own action plans. But... what about you? What's something going on in your life that you could develop an action plan for addressing? Feel free to blog and leave a link, or just answer in the comment section, and I'll see you tomorrow for some Sunday Sunshine.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Gratitudes

As you've no doubt noticed, Sanguine Saturday is still around. ;) I've decided to change it up a bit, though. I don't need to detail my accomplishments in a list anymore because it's time to focus on bigger things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let myself forget that the smaller accomplishments are what lead to the bigger ones, and I've not lost sight of the value of those small things -- I just no longer need to write them all out to see that I'm accomplishing things, and I imagine a list of accomplishments doesn't make for particularly interesting reading. ;)

However, Sanguine Saturday is a really important thing to and FOR me, and I've found it a valuable recovery tool to boot, so I needed to find a way to keep it. Please bear with me as I design and redefine a new version of Sanguine Saturday that works for my life as it is now.


This week I'm grateful for:
1. Opportunities to meet beautiful new people, like Bumface's friend's mother.
2. That quiet time in the mornings before Bumface wakes, when the day is fresh and new.
3. The gorgeous beaches on Bribie Island.
4. Support people who go above and beyond and really add to my life.
5. New perspectives and opportunities to see things in a different light.
6. Change, growth and strength.
7. The ability to take steps to improve our financial situation (not that it's dire - we don't go hungry!).

From Recovering To Living

I mentioned a while ago that I've been thinking about this blog and what direction I should take with it. Now that I'm starting to really delve into recovery in a new way, moving from a focus of recovering and into just LIVING (the difference is small, yet simultaneously creates a big impact), I think it's time for my blog to reflect it. My life is very different to how it was when I began this blog, and lately that's meant no updates because ... well, I haven't known what to say that I could say in a way that suited what I felt the blog to have been.

What does this mean for Dialectic Dichotomy? Hopefully more updates! I want to keep the blog positive, but allow myself a space to learn and absorb the lessons that life has for me, much like I've done in the past. I intend to bring in more aspects of my life as it is -- as time passes and I embrace more of what life has to offer, I hope that DD will become more than a mental health blog. After all, I am more than my mental illnesses, why should my blog be less than its author?

I also want to write some more about my relationship and the effects it has on me, as well as the ways my mental health affects my relationship. I want to write about my partner, our daughter, our friends, the ties that I'm building & the activities I'm engaging in within my new community. I want to write about the changes that happen in our lives, the positive things that are happening for us and the challenges we face. I want to write about the people and causes I support and why I support them.

I want to continue growing, and I want this to be a place where that is plainly evident...

...and I hope you all know how much I look forward to continuing this journey with you alongside.

Returning from the mists -- & a question re friendships

Hello world!

It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.

My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.

My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.

Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.

My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.

My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)

The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.

My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.

Sanguine Saturday

First off, let me just say, I've noticed a few people adding this blog to their 'follow' list. To those of you who weren't already my friends, I'm glad to meet you and look forward to getting to know you. Please feel free to throw in any thoughts at any time - I'm not easily offended and I welcome free discussion. Those of you who already know me should, of course, also feel free to throw in any thoughts they like.


Blog Matters:
I've decided to designate today, and every Saturday, Sanguine Saturday here on Finding The Fence. Regardless of my mood on the day, I intend to post a list of skills based successes from the week and a list of things I am grateful for/about. I hope to keep this one post each week free of any negativity at all.


This week's Success Stories:
I made attempts to DEAR MAN my psychiatrist.
I showed congruency between my emotions & my expression of them (Emotion Regulation).
I have worked on not Avoiding specific situations.
I have practiced allowing myself to feel and to express Emotions (Emotion Regulation).
I have worked hard to make good choices, healthy choices, even when I found it difficult (Turning The Mind).
I have taken time this week to do Pleasant Event Scheduling.
I have worked on my goals, and taken steps to build MASTERY.
I ordered hot chocolate and cake, asking for small changes, then ate them in front of someone I had not previously properly eaten in front of (Face Fear).


Gratitudes List/Things that make me happy:
Giraffes.
I have been blessed with many wonderful friends, both on and offline.
I was able to attend the Craft Expo today.
Craft and craft supplies.
Laughter.
Interesting conversations with fascinating people.
Unexpectedly finding a gift that I can send to a friend overseas.
I bought a giraffe tissue box cover and a tiger bin (trash can) today.
I'm grateful that I can walk. Even if my ability is still impaired at the moment, I am better off than a lot of people who have no use of their legs.
Encouragement, validation and recognition.
I am grateful that the world is full of beauty.


Today's cheer-leading statements:
I can cope.
Ruminating about the past or the future is never helpful. I need to concentrate on 'now'.
I am not responsible for the actions, thoughts or feelings of anybody other than myself.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Spreading my wings, but I still stumble

Every day, the whole world over, people are living, dying, breathing, smiling, crying, being. Thousands of lives experiencing tragedies and comedies. There's a very real sense of connection, of camaraderie, in that; you're unique, but you're not alone.

Once again my good intentions fall out the window. I'm still reeling from the sense of abandonment regarding yesterday, and after engaging in my pleasant event scheduling, I came home to find that my ex-husband is now the proud father of a little girl.

I've taken time to sit with my emotions. I've worked on mindfully applying distress tolerance techniques when I think I can't bear the pain another second. I've typed out lyrics as they play (keeps hands and mind busy), I've tidied. I've attempted self soothing. I've taken a small vacation and curled up in bed for a few hours (reading my book, followed by a short nap). I've watched NCIS, attempted craft, played games. I've spent time in mindful exploration of my crystal. I've read positive quotes, worked on my goals (both setting and working towards accomplishing), challenged my thoughts, made plans for tomorrow. I have made efforts to turn my mind towards acceptance.

I've reached out, reached in; opened up, closed up; ricocheted in and out of skills. I believe I am doing all that I can to 'deal' with the situation - the only aspect that is in my control is how I respond to the information, so that is where I am concentrating my efforts.

Still, I am tired inside my bones and my heart aches for what might have been. That's okay, and I am still sober.


As the days go by, I am slowly beginning to shape my vision for this blog. Originally I had planned for the entries to be almost entirely thought based; along the lines of my first couple; expanding of my knowledge on the skills and where I am at (in a positive frame), now I suspect that won't work. I'd like to make sure I'm posting something of real substance along those lines at least once a week; but a more 'real' record of what's going on in my life feels important as well - as long as I make sure to include positive ways I can cope/have been coping with the situation.


Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
The past does not need to dictate the future.
I can cope.
It's okay to hurt over this.
All I can change about this situation is my response to it.
I will not act in a destructive manner.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.