This blog is part of my recovery, and I would like it to remain a safe place for me to share parts of myself and my life that people close to me may or may not know. As a result, while I'm not going crazy with privacy settings, I do ask that if you find this on your own and suspect you may know me, please respect my privacy by checking with us before reading any further. This obviously doesn't apply if one of us has given you the link!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Spreading my wings, but I still stumble

Every day, the whole world over, people are living, dying, breathing, smiling, crying, being. Thousands of lives experiencing tragedies and comedies. There's a very real sense of connection, of camaraderie, in that; you're unique, but you're not alone.

Once again my good intentions fall out the window. I'm still reeling from the sense of abandonment regarding yesterday, and after engaging in my pleasant event scheduling, I came home to find that my ex-husband is now the proud father of a little girl.

I've taken time to sit with my emotions. I've worked on mindfully applying distress tolerance techniques when I think I can't bear the pain another second. I've typed out lyrics as they play (keeps hands and mind busy), I've tidied. I've attempted self soothing. I've taken a small vacation and curled up in bed for a few hours (reading my book, followed by a short nap). I've watched NCIS, attempted craft, played games. I've spent time in mindful exploration of my crystal. I've read positive quotes, worked on my goals (both setting and working towards accomplishing), challenged my thoughts, made plans for tomorrow. I have made efforts to turn my mind towards acceptance.

I've reached out, reached in; opened up, closed up; ricocheted in and out of skills. I believe I am doing all that I can to 'deal' with the situation - the only aspect that is in my control is how I respond to the information, so that is where I am concentrating my efforts.

Still, I am tired inside my bones and my heart aches for what might have been. That's okay, and I am still sober.

As the days go by, I am slowly beginning to shape my vision for this blog. Originally I had planned for the entries to be almost entirely thought based; along the lines of my first couple; expanding of my knowledge on the skills and where I am at (in a positive frame), now I suspect that won't work. I'd like to make sure I'm posting something of real substance along those lines at least once a week; but a more 'real' record of what's going on in my life feels important as well - as long as I make sure to include positive ways I can cope/have been coping with the situation.

Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
The past does not need to dictate the future.
I can cope.
It's okay to hurt over this.
All I can change about this situation is my response to it.
I will not act in a destructive manner.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.


  1. "and may we all find our own small fences along the way. "

    ... i don't understand the fence thing.
    but i do understand that i think you have a pretty good understanding of how to come through this. you're a pretty smart kid. and entirely capable.

  2. Hah. The fence thing has become a new way for me to talk about balance - not jumping off one way or the other, but staying in that middle ground. I think it came from a comment someone made in group once, about how society always frowns at fence-sitters, but really that's what we need to do more. Small fences are those little moments of balance (because, of course, in the journey to recovery, balance is important -- but tremendously difficult to achieve).

    And thank you.