This blog is part of my recovery, and I would like it to remain a safe place for me to share parts of myself and my life that people close to me may or may not know. As a result, while I'm not going crazy with privacy settings, I do ask that if you find this on your own and suspect you may know me, please respect my privacy by checking with us before reading any further. This obviously doesn't apply if one of us has given you the link!

Saturday, July 25, 2015

56 Weeks Later...

It's been another year. Things have changed a great deal for me. In some ways, my symptoms have lessened greatly. On the whole, I'm happier than I used to be.

But in other ways, new symptoms have come up. I'm happier at the cost of functionality, and in trying to bring that functionality back, I'm starting to lose some of that happiness. I feel like I'm on a neverending seesaw, but damned if I'm not still fighting. I will find a way to create some semblance of balance, even if I never get it perfect.


So, a bit of a recap/refresher/catch up on how life looks for me at the moment:

* I study now. At the very end of February my partner and I joined a course and began to study towards a diploma of counselling. I go into college most days. I don't always get a lot of work done, but that's okay. I'm making reasonable progress with my study so it's not an issue if I have a day where my concentration is shoddy or whatnot; and when I'm not studying, I'm making friends and expanding my social circle.

* On a related note, we're working towards making Missy a certified Assistance Dog (like a guide dog for the blind). I have a few details left on the paperwork -- I'm waiting for Dar to come home for that -- and then we'll wait and see what happens.

* The reason I need an Assistance Dog is that I have unfortunately become quite agoraphobic. I'm pretty well unable to leave the unit alone. If Missy or someone I trust is with me, I'm alright, but otherwise, there's just too much panic.

* My weight has remained reasonably steady for a while, except for some stress related loss which has since been regained. I'm not by any means underweight, but if I use logic and reasoning, I don't think I'm especially overweight at the moment either. I wish I could say that my eating is normal as well, but that would be a lie. Still, I make sure I eat at least one proper and reasonable meal (almost) every day.

* I rarely self harm. Suicidal ideation, passive suicidality, and the urge to self harm all remain a problem; but I've got a pretty good grip on not actioning these, for the most part. Unfortunately skin picking and occasional hair pulling is still very much an issue.

* I hug some people. I still like to be the one that initiates it, or be asked about being hugged, but I'm doing it, and sometimes I am initiating it (usually by asking), and all of that is massive.

* Even the things that are still really huge issues/problems (like my inability to deal with anger or perceived conflict, and my terror of abandonment) are being stretched and - I believe - will gradually lessen as I see for myself that being human and myself and imperfect is not going to end or irrevocably change my friendships for the worse.


And of course...

* I still read and write and craft and love zoos and take photographs. I still want to get my writing published (and I need to pull my finger out and actually do something about that). I'm still me, so much more than my diagnoses, so much more than the broken piece of a puzzle.

I think it's time to get back to blogging.