Another long week over, and I got so distracted yesterday I forgot to post this up. I've been sick with something a bit weird that mostly hits at night and leaves me alone through the day every second day (on the other days I feel ill for the whole day), though I have been more tired than normal, particularly at the start of the week. Whatever it is, I'm not a fan! If it continues with the excruciating pain part again tonight, I'll be seeing my new doctor tomorrow to discuss it.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been doing my walking (in between days of "too ill to move").
Connected to the above, I left the house four times last week!
I've been drinking more water!
I've been making better choices on what to watch - QI instead of SVU, for instance.
I stood up to my mother.
I picked up a book I would before have considered myself too stupid to read, and surprised myself by actually being able to follow it quite well so far.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Kale the therapy puppy who kissed my face all over and chewed my chin after my session, making me laugh. (And yes, I know, *germs*. Don't care! Puppy kisses fix EVERYTHING, even if for only a short time.)
Music.
Love (of all kinds).
Playing DDO with someone again.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
A choice between two kinds of abuse isn't really a choice.
It's okay to ask for reassurance when people have said they're willing to give that, and to clarify what was said against what I hear.
It's okay to ask for comfort.
I don't have to be perfect.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Some weeks are easier than others. This hasn't really been one of those, but it's ending now and that means there's the opportunity for this one to be better. Challenge statements have been very difficult this week and I suspect I might be a little less in rational-thinking mode than I would like.
I started with my new psychologist and am pleased by several things:
1. The therapy centre has a puppy, and my psychologist says she eats lunch with him most days. This is very encouraging.
2. She works with adults AND with children (so I'm thinking she is capable of being gentle).
3. She has worked with prison inmates (so I'm thinking she is capable of being tough).
4. She's capable of seeing through evasions but doesn't jump to conclusions.
Less pleased that she's already leaning towards hospital as an option, but at least she's being upfront about it. We'll see what happens.
I also took part in one of the heats for the National Poetry Slam '11 championship. I may not have won, but just the fact that I performed I think is an amazing achievement for me. I'm pleased and also I'm proud of myself.
Success Stories:
I went to my appointment with the new psychologist.
I went for a couple of decent walks this week.
I got myself signed up at the new medical clinic.
I faced my fear and went to the poetry slam, and then I got up and performed!
Even though I was reluctant, I signed a safety contract of sorts (that I will stick to) with my new psychologist.
Being proud of myself!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Getting to hear everyone else's work at the poetry slam.
Kale the therapy puppy.
Music.
Walking.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Just because somebody is angry doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I started with my new psychologist and am pleased by several things:
1. The therapy centre has a puppy, and my psychologist says she eats lunch with him most days. This is very encouraging.
2. She works with adults AND with children (so I'm thinking she is capable of being gentle).
3. She has worked with prison inmates (so I'm thinking she is capable of being tough).
4. She's capable of seeing through evasions but doesn't jump to conclusions.
Less pleased that she's already leaning towards hospital as an option, but at least she's being upfront about it. We'll see what happens.
I also took part in one of the heats for the National Poetry Slam '11 championship. I may not have won, but just the fact that I performed I think is an amazing achievement for me. I'm pleased and also I'm proud of myself.
Success Stories:
I went to my appointment with the new psychologist.
I went for a couple of decent walks this week.
I got myself signed up at the new medical clinic.
I faced my fear and went to the poetry slam, and then I got up and performed!
Even though I was reluctant, I signed a safety contract of sorts (that I will stick to) with my new psychologist.
Being proud of myself!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Getting to hear everyone else's work at the poetry slam.
Kale the therapy puppy.
Music.
Walking.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Just because somebody is angry doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
September's Second Sanguine Saturday
Brr, the weather has turned quite cold again here -- really not a fan!
In not so surprising news, I'm still struggling. Last Sunday was Australian Father's Day, and I found myself visiting him as per orders. On the other hand, this time around my stepsister was there with her own family, and I had been somewhat looking forward (with some trepidation) to seeing her again. The aftermath of the visit has been pretty much as normal: depression, withdrawal, increased anxiety and far too many panic attacks - especially when I leave the house on my own.
Things will get better though, they always do eventually, it's just a matter of holding on until then.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've kept all my appointments.
I've lost heart a few times and I've struggled horribly but I haven't actually given up.
I stood up for myself.
I've been trying to ask for what I want/need, and practicing saying no sometimes to things that aren't okay (for whatever reason).
When I started to privately panic about the state of a relationship after finding out I couldn't get something I wanted, I stopped covering it up and told the other person and asked for reassurance that things were okay (and got it).
I cleaned my room.
I finished a scrapbooking double page.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Scrapbooking
Banter
Meaningful conversations
Rereading good fanfic
QI
Having a ticket to see QI live in Brisbane in November
Seeing my nieces and nephew again
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am safe.
The universe does not parcel out a set amount of "me-focus" that is allowed - not in specific relationships or in a general sense.
Feelings are not facts. "I feel worthless" does not mean "I am worthless".
It's okay to ask for reassurance and to check that things are okay.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
In not so surprising news, I'm still struggling. Last Sunday was Australian Father's Day, and I found myself visiting him as per orders. On the other hand, this time around my stepsister was there with her own family, and I had been somewhat looking forward (with some trepidation) to seeing her again. The aftermath of the visit has been pretty much as normal: depression, withdrawal, increased anxiety and far too many panic attacks - especially when I leave the house on my own.
Things will get better though, they always do eventually, it's just a matter of holding on until then.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've kept all my appointments.
I've lost heart a few times and I've struggled horribly but I haven't actually given up.
I stood up for myself.
I've been trying to ask for what I want/need, and practicing saying no sometimes to things that aren't okay (for whatever reason).
When I started to privately panic about the state of a relationship after finding out I couldn't get something I wanted, I stopped covering it up and told the other person and asked for reassurance that things were okay (and got it).
I cleaned my room.
I finished a scrapbooking double page.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Scrapbooking
Banter
Meaningful conversations
Rereading good fanfic
QI
Having a ticket to see QI live in Brisbane in November
Seeing my nieces and nephew again
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am safe.
The universe does not parcel out a set amount of "me-focus" that is allowed - not in specific relationships or in a general sense.
Feelings are not facts. "I feel worthless" does not mean "I am worthless".
It's okay to ask for reassurance and to check that things are okay.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Wow, I can't believe another week's gone by already. This one's been a real challenge, but there's been some really good things to come out of it. Things are still really difficult, but I'm hanging in there.
After seeing a GP yesterday to get a referral to a psychologist and a new MH care plan, I'm back on antidepressants: the doctor was very upset that the psychiatric acute care team had told me not to bother with them because I "don't have depression". Unfortunately so far I'm having some very uncomfortable side effects -- but I think if they work, it'll be worth it, especially as the side effects should lessen over the next couple of weeks.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
To reduce my level of feeling overwhelmed, I've been keeping a loose to-do list.
I kept my appointments.
I weighed up my options and need for support against my boundaries and made a decision about which support worker to work with.
I asked for, and got, what I most needed at the doctors.
I found a way to not lose my nurse when she told me she was leaving my doctor's practice. (So much rather lose my GP than my nurse!)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Being back on medication
Scrapbooking
Some of my photos from my trip are better than I had thought
How I Met Your Mother
QI
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Maybe instead of [interpretation], it means that I will do difficult things if I can see some good that could come out of it. (Thank you Rich!)
Wanting touch with someone, even at this point, says that I crave consolation and safety and comfort and knowing that I'm cared about. It doesn't mean I want or deserve what happened to me. (And again, thank you Rich!)
Feelings aren't facts.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Pixie of Cloud Illusions with What Was Not Wrong Today
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
After seeing a GP yesterday to get a referral to a psychologist and a new MH care plan, I'm back on antidepressants: the doctor was very upset that the psychiatric acute care team had told me not to bother with them because I "don't have depression". Unfortunately so far I'm having some very uncomfortable side effects -- but I think if they work, it'll be worth it, especially as the side effects should lessen over the next couple of weeks.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
To reduce my level of feeling overwhelmed, I've been keeping a loose to-do list.
I kept my appointments.
I weighed up my options and need for support against my boundaries and made a decision about which support worker to work with.
I asked for, and got, what I most needed at the doctors.
I found a way to not lose my nurse when she told me she was leaving my doctor's practice. (So much rather lose my GP than my nurse!)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Being back on medication
Scrapbooking
Some of my photos from my trip are better than I had thought
How I Met Your Mother
QI
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Maybe instead of [interpretation], it means that I will do difficult things if I can see some good that could come out of it. (Thank you Rich!)
Wanting touch with someone, even at this point, says that I crave consolation and safety and comfort and knowing that I'm cared about. It doesn't mean I want or deserve what happened to me. (And again, thank you Rich!)
Feelings aren't facts.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Pixie of Cloud Illusions with What Was Not Wrong Today
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sanguine Saturday At Home
Here I am, back home in Brisbane. After my epic flight, I arrived on Tuesday night - I'm still way out of whack with times and getting very confused a lot.
In other news, I'm not actually doing very well. I'm struggling a huge amount with overwhelming emotions, loneliness (and a sense of loss now that my trip's over) and urges, and coming back to find out I don't have access to most of my support system (or to the people who can give me the documentation I need in order to move) was quite a blow.
Success Stories:
No burning.
I started conversations with strangers on my flights back/in airports.
I called and set up an appointment for next week with my alcohol counsellor (first available appointment).
I called and placed myself back on the waiting list with CASV and I have an intake appointment next week.
I went to call government housing in Canberra (and discovered I don't need to until I have my supporting documentation).
I called my support worker -- and discovered that she's now changed positions so I'm back on the waiting list there, too.
I pushed on my boundaries when I found I didn't like the restrictions they were placing on me when I returned here.
I've been practicing asking for things.
(Sort of fits above, but I want it to be a separate point as well) I've been practicing asking for reassurance and for clarification of things instead of just assuming.
I bought my nephew's birthday present.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Poetry. Writing it, reading it, helping convince friends to write it... ;)
Opportunities for growth
Good friends
Australian food! ;)
Music.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to be honest about how I am doing.
It's okay to ask for things I need or want. Asking doesn't mean expecting, it doesn't mean demanding, it just means asking.
One day doesn't ruin everything. It doesn't negate the work that came before that day.
I have emotions for a reason, they serve a purpose. It is okay and important to feel things sometimes.
It's okay for people to like things about me. It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
In other news, I'm not actually doing very well. I'm struggling a huge amount with overwhelming emotions, loneliness (and a sense of loss now that my trip's over) and urges, and coming back to find out I don't have access to most of my support system (or to the people who can give me the documentation I need in order to move) was quite a blow.
Success Stories:
No burning.
I started conversations with strangers on my flights back/in airports.
I called and set up an appointment for next week with my alcohol counsellor (first available appointment).
I called and placed myself back on the waiting list with CASV and I have an intake appointment next week.
I went to call government housing in Canberra (and discovered I don't need to until I have my supporting documentation).
I called my support worker -- and discovered that she's now changed positions so I'm back on the waiting list there, too.
I pushed on my boundaries when I found I didn't like the restrictions they were placing on me when I returned here.
I've been practicing asking for things.
(Sort of fits above, but I want it to be a separate point as well) I've been practicing asking for reassurance and for clarification of things instead of just assuming.
I bought my nephew's birthday present.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Poetry. Writing it, reading it, helping convince friends to write it... ;)
Opportunities for growth
Good friends
Australian food! ;)
Music.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to be honest about how I am doing.
It's okay to ask for things I need or want. Asking doesn't mean expecting, it doesn't mean demanding, it just means asking.
One day doesn't ruin everything. It doesn't negate the work that came before that day.
I have emotions for a reason, they serve a purpose. It is okay and important to feel things sometimes.
It's okay for people to like things about me. It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sanguine Saturday from Sweden
Another week gone already, and I've spent most of this one in beautiful Sweden. I've done so much processing lately, it feels like constantly. I'm still processing things from the early part of my trip. I know it's good and healthy, but I hope the sand stops shifting underfoot some soon.
Some interesting conversations this week have pulled out some possible misconceptions and possible distorted thoughts, but I need to work out what I'm going to do with/about those, if anything.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been trying to do things to change my situation.
I managed to get to the airport and catch my plane all by myself even though I was really struggling.
I've learned the Swedish words for down and thanks -- ner & tack.
Still exploring my touch boundaries.
Exploring some difficult/uncomfortable discussions in safe ways.
I've been making some small decisions.
I've been putting work into thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home.
I tried (successfully, I think) a new poetry form -- cento.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Poetry
Sweet little Swedish doggies
Safe touch
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not a disaster if I make the wrong decision on something.
It is entirely possible that not everybody is going to ditch/leave/abandon me.
Sometimes it's okay to share how I'm feeling.
I don't have to be perfect.
Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Some interesting conversations this week have pulled out some possible misconceptions and possible distorted thoughts, but I need to work out what I'm going to do with/about those, if anything.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been trying to do things to change my situation.
I managed to get to the airport and catch my plane all by myself even though I was really struggling.
I've learned the Swedish words for down and thanks -- ner & tack.
Still exploring my touch boundaries.
Exploring some difficult/uncomfortable discussions in safe ways.
I've been making some small decisions.
I've been putting work into thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home.
I tried (successfully, I think) a new poetry form -- cento.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Poetry
Sweet little Swedish doggies
Safe touch
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not a disaster if I make the wrong decision on something.
It is entirely possible that not everybody is going to ditch/leave/abandon me.
Sometimes it's okay to share how I'm feeling.
I don't have to be perfect.
Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Final London Sanguine Saturday
Oh my, Saturday again already? Well, technically Sunday, but as I've only just got in, I'm going to count it.
Well, tomorrow's my last proper day here in the UK (I fly to Sweden on Monday, and although I'm back again after Sweden it's only overnight and then I've an early flight back to Australia), and I'm really quite sad to be leaving it. Happy, of course, to have the opportunity to go see my Swedish friend, but despite the crazy, despite some hard times, I've really enjoyed the UK and I've loved the people I've met. And especially these last few weeks, I've really done a lot of growing, which I think is something to be pleased about.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking. In fact, as it's the 7th in Australia, I can announce that I'm now 3 months sober.
I've continued to push at my touch boundaries.
I've been practicing some new ways of interacting with people. (True, I get it wrong sometimes [a lot], but I'm trying, and that's important.)
I've done really well navigating myself around London.
I've done some scary but cool things -- like the London Tombs experience! (And oh my god was it ever scary for me!).
I've handled my money better than I expected to.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Opportunities for growth and change.
Being brave enough to do some of the things I wanted to that I didn't think I could manage on my own.
Forehead kisses from safe people.
Zoos and squirrels.
Being called pretty (even though it was also very difficult to hear and created a lot of confusion and mixed feelings!)
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to ask for clarification if I think I might have misunderstood something.
It's okay to ask for touch, to accept touch, to enjoy touch. It's okay to share that with people I care about.
Sometimes it is okay/right/best to tell the person I'm with if I'm not okay.
It's okay to make mistakes and be imperfect.
I don't have to take on board every single thing that someone says about me. I can take it, see what fits and what is helpful, and I can leave the rest.
I don't have to fix everything *right now*. It's okay to prioritise and leave some things aside to work on at a later time.
Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Well, tomorrow's my last proper day here in the UK (I fly to Sweden on Monday, and although I'm back again after Sweden it's only overnight and then I've an early flight back to Australia), and I'm really quite sad to be leaving it. Happy, of course, to have the opportunity to go see my Swedish friend, but despite the crazy, despite some hard times, I've really enjoyed the UK and I've loved the people I've met. And especially these last few weeks, I've really done a lot of growing, which I think is something to be pleased about.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking. In fact, as it's the 7th in Australia, I can announce that I'm now 3 months sober.
I've continued to push at my touch boundaries.
I've been practicing some new ways of interacting with people. (True, I get it wrong sometimes [a lot], but I'm trying, and that's important.)
I've done really well navigating myself around London.
I've done some scary but cool things -- like the London Tombs experience! (And oh my god was it ever scary for me!).
I've handled my money better than I expected to.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Opportunities for growth and change.
Being brave enough to do some of the things I wanted to that I didn't think I could manage on my own.
Forehead kisses from safe people.
Zoos and squirrels.
Being called pretty (even though it was also very difficult to hear and created a lot of confusion and mixed feelings!)
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to ask for clarification if I think I might have misunderstood something.
It's okay to ask for touch, to accept touch, to enjoy touch. It's okay to share that with people I care about.
Sometimes it is okay/right/best to tell the person I'm with if I'm not okay.
It's okay to make mistakes and be imperfect.
I don't have to take on board every single thing that someone says about me. I can take it, see what fits and what is helpful, and I can leave the rest.
I don't have to fix everything *right now*. It's okay to prioritise and leave some things aside to work on at a later time.
Apologies for the lack, but no outward links again this week. I think I probably will post less links while I'm away, but feel free as always to link in a comment to my SS posts if you do your own version! I still want to read and I'm sure others do, too!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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