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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Tuesday Choices & Easter Comparison

Two years ago, I had the most difficult Easter weekend I've ever experienced. For more months my sleep had steadily deteriorated so that in the months leading up to Easter, I was down to an average of 6-10 hours for the entire week. Over the four day long weekend, I house-sat for my boss and in a more than 78 hour period, I slept only a single hour - during which I had a nightmare. I barely ate. I was tormented by body memories, voices, hallucinations and flashbacks.

This year hasn't been easy, not at all; but it hasn't been the same as that year. I have been plagued with memories and flashbacks, but they have not been as constant. I've had some relief. Thanks to my Mirtazapine, I've managed semi-decent sleep. The hallucinations were minimal. Even my self harm, over the actual Easter break, has been minimal. There has been improvement. Some of it I can attribute to the lack of time -- in order to help both of us, I spent much of the long weekend spending time with a good friend who finished DBT with me. Being able to do that was invaluable, and I'm just really grateful for that. And some of it is just that I have changed since then. In some ways I am better, in others I struggle more; but that's the nature of change and the journey to recovery.

I had more I wanted to write, a lot more; I wanted to talk about how maybe I fight too hard; and about working at having a good outlook, and how having a good outlook doesn't mean nothing is painful; and I wanted to write about today, because it was painful and difficult and because it lead to things that have the potential for real growth... but all of those things can wait a little longer, because tonight? Tonight I'm making good choices for me.

Instead of getting drunk, I chose to give myself a number of tasks to complete before I was allowed to drink. First, I decorated the front cover of my diary/day planner, and made some plans to catch up with an old school friend. Second, I tidied my bedroom again. Third, I finished the Dream Catchers I had started so that I could send them to my best friend and her grand-daughter (the two most beautiful lasses in Scotland). My final task was to write in my blog; which I, as I said, had intended to do more on; however, in doing tasks one, two and three, the night wore on so that it is now after 1am.

I'm still hurting. My body is telling me it needs alcohol to function. I'm sad, hurt, a little angry; I feel betrayed and I feel abandoned. All of that applies, but I'm still making the choice not to drink tonight; I'm making the choice not to self harm tonight; and I'm making the choice not to overdose tonight.

Today's thought challenges/cheer-leading statements:
I am not responsible for my doctor's reactions or emotions. I am only responsible for my own.
This, too, shall pass.
I can survive this.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.


  1. Way to go! It sounds like it was really though though. You were hurting and tempted to do unhealthy stuff but you didn't. Way to go. So how did you feel after the day? Just curious.

    I struggle sometimes after I've gotten through a bad time. When I should feel proud of myself. I just struggle because I feel all the more isolate and depressed. When I've done everything right as far as making choices for my long term good but sometimes in the short term it feels even worse. It feels like everybody just goes along like there were no sturggels when I've make the better choices. It seems like I get even less validation for my hurting experiences when I make all the right choices. I was just wondering if you have that experience too when you've made that right choices?

    I hope I'm not bringing you down with this. I just wanted to acknowlege that I know it was hard for you and there was pain to struggle through. But you chose to do things in service of yourself and your future. You go girl!!

  2. Thanks, Stacy.

    It was hard. It's still hard. Easter's over, but I still have the fallout to deal with, and I have all the other things that are going on in my life at the moment as well.

    I agree with you that a lot of the time, if we've been struggling but make those right choices, in the short term it's almost worse. For me, I find that (I think) people tend to assume that if I've come through without making those negative choices, then it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be. Because, obviously, if it was that bad, I would've resorted to my old coping mechanisms! Maybe that's just me broadcasting my thoughts onto others, though.

    You aren't bringing me down. Thank you for your acknowledgement and validation! I appreciate that a lot.