Dear world,
I've decided I'm worth more than the names people call me. I've decided I'm worth more than the names I call myself.
I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I agree with an unpopular opinion. I've decided I'm worth more than the value attributed me when I don't agree with someone who thinks I should.
I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone is hurtful towards me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone disrespects me because they don't like me. I've decided I'm worth more than the way I'm treated when someone acts hurtfully, even when I can find a reason to excuse it.
Most of all, I've begun to realise that I'm worth at least the basic respect owed to everyone else in this life, and I'm no longer going to settle for less in order to give more.
I know this will come as a surprise to some people, and I'll try to remember that and be gentle as people around me adjust to this new me who is emerging from a cocoon of self-censure.
I'll try to remember that and be gentle with both others and myself as I discover that some people won't like the new me, that previously good friends will struggle to come to terms with this person who no longer accepts what has always been the status quo.
I will remind myself of my own worth as I gently bow out of relationships that are no longer healthy or helpful for me, and I will endeavour to do so gracefully in as respectful and kind manner as I can, without letting go of my goal - to be true to myself, my goals the life that is mine to live.
And world, I will remember to be grateful, even to the people to whom I am letting go, and the people who don't want to treat me the way I now realise I deserve. I hope I will allow those people to fuel my desire to respect and be respected in turn.
Thank you,
Chrysalis.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Returning from the mists -- & a question re friendships
Hello world!
It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.
My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.
My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.
Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.
My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.
My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)
The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.
My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.
It's been a long while since I posted, I know. I want to reopen this blog, but I'm not sure exactly what direction I want to take it in. I am, for the most part, doing quite well these days. I've been working very hard on myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong, I still have BPD symptoms that I need to get or keep on top of, but I'm not sure I even still meet the criteria.
My Sanguine Saturday posts have stopped, partially because I think I don't need them anymore, and partially because I just kept forgetting to post them once the internet was back on. A bit of shuffling may make these useful again, or I may abolish them entirely now that they have served out their usefulness.
My last episode of self harm, a minor cut to my shoulder, was in April (?) and it remains the only instance of self harm this year. That feels somewhere between a miracle and an amazement, and at the same time I'm a little bit proud. It's a big achievement for me. And although I have had a couple of drinks (few enough that the bottle of Vodka I bought at New Years still has alcohol in it even though I've shared it with both my partner and his adult daughter), my last problem-drink was in September.
Most of my problem behaviours have settled at least somewhat. As I said, I've worked hard.
My thoughts and emotions continue to need a lot of work, though, and although I've cut back on my therapy sessions, I have signed up to be included when DBT becomes available here. They're trying to make sure they have large enough numbers before they tell us when it's going to start, but I'm hopeful it'll be running by next year.
My partner and I are quite happy still, though of course we have our moments like any other couple. We have strong communication (I bet nobody expected I would be able to say I have strong communication with anyone!) and respect for each other - despite using nicknames like Bumface for each other. ;)
The one big thing missing, for me, is that I still have very limited friendships and "regular" support network. I have ceased contact with my father, and contact with the rest of my family has also been drastically reduced; and I simply don't have much in the way of friendships offline. I've been able to reconnect with one of the girls I went to school with, with whom I was close for a few periods after school, and that's been good, but I really need more friends locally.
My volunteer position didn't work out - I just wasn't ready yet - so I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how I can meet and make friends, especially local ones? I spend some time at the local mental health community facility (with workshops and activities) but I'd really like to make friends with people who're functioning better in the real world than I am. There's a games store opening up locally that sounds like it'll run board game nights etc, so I'll check that out, too, but any other suggestions would be very welcome.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Sanguine Sunday
Sanguine Sunday is here again! Also, if you missed it, I made a post about invisiblity & responsibility yesterday. I wanted to put it up separately to Sanguine Sunday last time, but it's taken until now to get it written.
Anyhow, in the last few weeks I've hit a few milestones for myself as well as spending time working on some areas that've needed it - like getting to know my new (local) psychologist! I've had a few goals that I've not made, like going back to shelter where I volunteer, but on the whole I've done pretty well at staying on track of things - and most of the things I haven't followed through on have been influenced by outside factors (like the weather and my health). I've made some discoveries and explored a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences and realisations that needed visiting.
More testing with the new psychologist has pointedly very strongly to DID and depersonalisation in particular (surprised? Yeah, me either), but of course the BPD label stays with me too. Therapy will be focused on what's causing the most problems in my life -- which at the moment is the old abandonment terrors and tendency to panic at the suggestion of rejection.
Success Stories:
I hit my six month sober date a few weeks ago.
I also made a full year with no suicide attempts.
Handled a couple of rough interpersonal situations.
I've been practicing a lot of thought challenge.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My beautiful niece had a great day out for her birthday. And so did I!
Giraffe tattoos.
Poppa bear & baby bear.
Reading.
Silly games.
Fry's Planet World -- must see this!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
There are people who care about me and want my company.
I don't believe in "good people" or "bad people" -- which means I can't BE a bad person.
I deserve the good things people say about me.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Anyhow, in the last few weeks I've hit a few milestones for myself as well as spending time working on some areas that've needed it - like getting to know my new (local) psychologist! I've had a few goals that I've not made, like going back to shelter where I volunteer, but on the whole I've done pretty well at staying on track of things - and most of the things I haven't followed through on have been influenced by outside factors (like the weather and my health). I've made some discoveries and explored a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences and realisations that needed visiting.
More testing with the new psychologist has pointedly very strongly to DID and depersonalisation in particular (surprised? Yeah, me either), but of course the BPD label stays with me too. Therapy will be focused on what's causing the most problems in my life -- which at the moment is the old abandonment terrors and tendency to panic at the suggestion of rejection.
Success Stories:
I hit my six month sober date a few weeks ago.
I also made a full year with no suicide attempts.
Handled a couple of rough interpersonal situations.
I've been practicing a lot of thought challenge.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My beautiful niece had a great day out for her birthday. And so did I!
Giraffe tattoos.
Poppa bear & baby bear.
Reading.
Silly games.
Fry's Planet World -- must see this!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
There are people who care about me and want my company.
I don't believe in "good people" or "bad people" -- which means I can't BE a bad person.
I deserve the good things people say about me.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
On Invisibility & Responsibility
Apologies for the very late Sanguine Saturday post -- I wanted to complete this one first, and it has taken me this long to get it done.
Over the past little while I've been exploring the concept of invisiblity (in the symbolic, rather than literal, sense). What is it that makes some people more visible than others; and how much of that belongs on which side of the equation?
For myself, I've felt fairly unwelcome and invisible in several layers of my life recently. I suppose unwelcome isn't necessarily the right word, but certainly invisible is accurate. I've had times where I've wondered if I actually even still exist; if I dreamed my half of a conversation or if perhaps I simply forgot to say what I thought I'd said.
At first I told myself I was being silly. I told myself I was blowing things out of proportion and overreacting. I had, afterall, just come back after a bit of time away -- and before I went away, I often felt unwanted (possibly due to things in my own head). However as time went on, I began to speak about it a little with one or two other people -- people who had noticed the ways I had seemingly faded, and gave me confirmation that it wasn't all in my head.
Reassured that this wasn't entirely a case of borderline 'paranoia' or personal misconception due to insecurity etc, I began to explore why it might be so. What is it that I am doing that is leading to this response? IS it something I'm doing? I asked a few people in a general sort of way and I gave thought to their responses, however as they were responding in general terms (my own fault, as I'd asked in that capacity!) it was difficult to see what to apply to my situation and what not to.
Many theories have bounced around inside my head. Some combine both parties; others are concerned mainly with others' impressions/beliefs about me or focus on my failings. None of them have made me happier or bought me closer to a resolution. I wanted to talk to the people concerned directly, particularly the ones who matter most to me, but it's not the sort of thing I want to bring up in a Facebook message, and I haven't managed to catch them when I've been around online in order to really speak about it -- especially since I'd rather speak to as many people at once than deal with going through it individually.
Instead, I continue to theorise, to remind myself that there are people who do consistently choose to have me in their lives (in whatever capacity is possible at the moment) and to remind myself that these people wouldn't make that choice if I were fundamentally flawed to such a degree that I am not worthy of any friendship/caring/love.
And so... I bring this to you, dear blog friends. Have you ever felt this way? If you did, how did you handle the situation? How did other people respond to your management of same? And/or, what do you think makes some people more invisible than others and how much of the 'blame'/'responsibility' for that lies where?
Over the past little while I've been exploring the concept of invisiblity (in the symbolic, rather than literal, sense). What is it that makes some people more visible than others; and how much of that belongs on which side of the equation?
For myself, I've felt fairly unwelcome and invisible in several layers of my life recently. I suppose unwelcome isn't necessarily the right word, but certainly invisible is accurate. I've had times where I've wondered if I actually even still exist; if I dreamed my half of a conversation or if perhaps I simply forgot to say what I thought I'd said.
At first I told myself I was being silly. I told myself I was blowing things out of proportion and overreacting. I had, afterall, just come back after a bit of time away -- and before I went away, I often felt unwanted (possibly due to things in my own head). However as time went on, I began to speak about it a little with one or two other people -- people who had noticed the ways I had seemingly faded, and gave me confirmation that it wasn't all in my head.
Reassured that this wasn't entirely a case of borderline 'paranoia' or personal misconception due to insecurity etc, I began to explore why it might be so. What is it that I am doing that is leading to this response? IS it something I'm doing? I asked a few people in a general sort of way and I gave thought to their responses, however as they were responding in general terms (my own fault, as I'd asked in that capacity!) it was difficult to see what to apply to my situation and what not to.
Many theories have bounced around inside my head. Some combine both parties; others are concerned mainly with others' impressions/beliefs about me or focus on my failings. None of them have made me happier or bought me closer to a resolution. I wanted to talk to the people concerned directly, particularly the ones who matter most to me, but it's not the sort of thing I want to bring up in a Facebook message, and I haven't managed to catch them when I've been around online in order to really speak about it -- especially since I'd rather speak to as many people at once than deal with going through it individually.
Instead, I continue to theorise, to remind myself that there are people who do consistently choose to have me in their lives (in whatever capacity is possible at the moment) and to remind myself that these people wouldn't make that choice if I were fundamentally flawed to such a degree that I am not worthy of any friendship/caring/love.
And so... I bring this to you, dear blog friends. Have you ever felt this way? If you did, how did you handle the situation? How did other people respond to your management of same? And/or, what do you think makes some people more invisible than others and how much of the 'blame'/'responsibility' for that lies where?
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday Sanguine Saturday
Sorry for the delayed post, I'vre been busy and a bit reclusive since the weekend. To be honest, I'm doing it a bit tough just now. But I'm still moving forward, and that's always a positive thing. Last week is a bit vague in my mind, so these will probably be pretty short.
Success Stories:
No self harm.
Medication as appropriate!
I made changes to a plan I'd had with my brother, so he came up here and we had a picnic at the park; we'll be going to Movie World with my eldest niece next time he has her, instead.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My partner.
My sister-who-isn't.
My partner's daughter.
All the iPhone games I play.
My three little monkeys.
Knowing it's okay that I'm struggling, because I have supportive people in my life.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
No self harm.
Medication as appropriate!
I made changes to a plan I'd had with my brother, so he came up here and we had a picnic at the park; we'll be going to Movie World with my eldest niece next time he has her, instead.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My partner.
My sister-who-isn't.
My partner's daughter.
All the iPhone games I play.
My three little monkeys.
Knowing it's okay that I'm struggling, because I have supportive people in my life.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sanguine Saturday returns as Sanguine Sunday!
Hello world, I'm back!
The internet has finally been turned on here in our new place and that means Sanguine Saturday can return - as Sanguine Sunday, though. I missed you all and hope that things have been as calm as possible and that you're all doing well.
While I was away I achieved a number of things, some of which will probably be fairly evident and others that you may never know -- but *I* know I did them (even if many have now been forgotten in specifics), and that's pretty important.
Success Stories:
Since mid-December, I have only self harmed once, and it was minor.
I've been taking my medication appropriately.
Even though I supplied my pension card when I handed in my prescription, I was charged a non-pension price, so I went back and sorted it out! I got an apology and the excess money back.
I set myself a "productivity goal" and stuck to it.
I went to an induction to begin volunteer work at the local animal shelter. One more and then I get to start volunteering!
I've been working on building a support team for myself up here.
I handled a situation that was very upsetting for me, and I handled it in a manner that was appropriate.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Having our own place.
Getting the internet on again!
iPhone games! (Does anyone play PetHouse, Fluff Friends, Dream Zoo or DragonVale?)
Books, movies and boardgames -- the things that kept me sane while I was internetless!
Housework, and knowing nobody's gonna yell at me if I do it the "wrong" way.
My nieces and nephew.
Kindness.
Shiny kitchens!
The apparent existence of Dogopoly.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
The internet has finally been turned on here in our new place and that means Sanguine Saturday can return - as Sanguine Sunday, though. I missed you all and hope that things have been as calm as possible and that you're all doing well.
While I was away I achieved a number of things, some of which will probably be fairly evident and others that you may never know -- but *I* know I did them (even if many have now been forgotten in specifics), and that's pretty important.
Success Stories:
Since mid-December, I have only self harmed once, and it was minor.
I've been taking my medication appropriately.
Even though I supplied my pension card when I handed in my prescription, I was charged a non-pension price, so I went back and sorted it out! I got an apology and the excess money back.
I set myself a "productivity goal" and stuck to it.
I went to an induction to begin volunteer work at the local animal shelter. One more and then I get to start volunteering!
I've been working on building a support team for myself up here.
I handled a situation that was very upsetting for me, and I handled it in a manner that was appropriate.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Having our own place.
Getting the internet on again!
iPhone games! (Does anyone play PetHouse, Fluff Friends, Dream Zoo or DragonVale?)
Books, movies and boardgames -- the things that kept me sane while I was internetless!
Housework, and knowing nobody's gonna yell at me if I do it the "wrong" way.
My nieces and nephew.
Kindness.
Shiny kitchens!
The apparent existence of Dogopoly.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sanguine SeaWorld Saturday!
Happy Saturday my friends. :)
Well, I have what I think is great news -- in the next couple of weeks, I'm moving! Adam and I have now confirmed that we have a place in Caboolture, which is way on the North side of Brisbane, almost on the Sunshine Coast. It's a two bedroom ground floor unit in a secure complex that has a pool, and I'm thrilled. We're just waiting on them fixing something up so we can move in. :D
Today's is a quick post as we're off to SeaWorld for the day. :)
Success Stories:
Still no self harm!
I stood up to my fear and went on a ride I've wanted to go on for years. As it turned out, I didn't like it and won't be doing it again, but I still stood up to that fear!
I set boundaries with a friend and stuck to them.
I've been working on telling myself that I look good.
I talked to my doctor and because I was well prepared, I got the medication I wanted prescribed to me.
I'm taking my new medicine appropriately.
Been getting lots of decluttering done and throwing out lots of things I don't need.
Threw out several SI tools.
I also threw out stuff I was holding onto from my wedding -- not because I felt like I "had" to, but because I honestly didn't want it anymore.
I swallowed my pride and asked my mother for a loan so I can attend my brother's wedding. She's thinking about it.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
SeaWorld
MovieWorld
Giraffes
Adam
Moving!
Pocket Frogs (iPhone game)
Good friends
Dolphins
Excitement
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I look great!
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Well, I have what I think is great news -- in the next couple of weeks, I'm moving! Adam and I have now confirmed that we have a place in Caboolture, which is way on the North side of Brisbane, almost on the Sunshine Coast. It's a two bedroom ground floor unit in a secure complex that has a pool, and I'm thrilled. We're just waiting on them fixing something up so we can move in. :D
Today's is a quick post as we're off to SeaWorld for the day. :)
Success Stories:
Still no self harm!
I stood up to my fear and went on a ride I've wanted to go on for years. As it turned out, I didn't like it and won't be doing it again, but I still stood up to that fear!
I set boundaries with a friend and stuck to them.
I've been working on telling myself that I look good.
I talked to my doctor and because I was well prepared, I got the medication I wanted prescribed to me.
I'm taking my new medicine appropriately.
Been getting lots of decluttering done and throwing out lots of things I don't need.
Threw out several SI tools.
I also threw out stuff I was holding onto from my wedding -- not because I felt like I "had" to, but because I honestly didn't want it anymore.
I swallowed my pride and asked my mother for a loan so I can attend my brother's wedding. She's thinking about it.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
SeaWorld
MovieWorld
Giraffes
Adam
Moving!
Pocket Frogs (iPhone game)
Good friends
Dolphins
Excitement
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I look great!
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
