Sanguine Sunday is here again! Also, if you missed it, I made a post about invisiblity & responsibility yesterday. I wanted to put it up separately to Sanguine Sunday last time, but it's taken until now to get it written.
Anyhow, in the last few weeks I've hit a few milestones for myself as well as spending time working on some areas that've needed it - like getting to know my new (local) psychologist! I've had a few goals that I've not made, like going back to shelter where I volunteer, but on the whole I've done pretty well at staying on track of things - and most of the things I haven't followed through on have been influenced by outside factors (like the weather and my health). I've made some discoveries and explored a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences and realisations that needed visiting.
More testing with the new psychologist has pointedly very strongly to DID and depersonalisation in particular (surprised? Yeah, me either), but of course the BPD label stays with me too. Therapy will be focused on what's causing the most problems in my life -- which at the moment is the old abandonment terrors and tendency to panic at the suggestion of rejection.
Success Stories:
I hit my six month sober date a few weeks ago.
I also made a full year with no suicide attempts.
Handled a couple of rough interpersonal situations.
I've been practicing a lot of thought challenge.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My beautiful niece had a great day out for her birthday. And so did I!
Giraffe tattoos.
Poppa bear & baby bear.
Reading.
Silly games.
Fry's Planet World -- must see this!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
There are people who care about me and want my company.
I don't believe in "good people" or "bad people" -- which means I can't BE a bad person.
I deserve the good things people say about me.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
On Invisibility & Responsibility
Apologies for the very late Sanguine Saturday post -- I wanted to complete this one first, and it has taken me this long to get it done.
Over the past little while I've been exploring the concept of invisiblity (in the symbolic, rather than literal, sense). What is it that makes some people more visible than others; and how much of that belongs on which side of the equation?
For myself, I've felt fairly unwelcome and invisible in several layers of my life recently. I suppose unwelcome isn't necessarily the right word, but certainly invisible is accurate. I've had times where I've wondered if I actually even still exist; if I dreamed my half of a conversation or if perhaps I simply forgot to say what I thought I'd said.
At first I told myself I was being silly. I told myself I was blowing things out of proportion and overreacting. I had, afterall, just come back after a bit of time away -- and before I went away, I often felt unwanted (possibly due to things in my own head). However as time went on, I began to speak about it a little with one or two other people -- people who had noticed the ways I had seemingly faded, and gave me confirmation that it wasn't all in my head.
Reassured that this wasn't entirely a case of borderline 'paranoia' or personal misconception due to insecurity etc, I began to explore why it might be so. What is it that I am doing that is leading to this response? IS it something I'm doing? I asked a few people in a general sort of way and I gave thought to their responses, however as they were responding in general terms (my own fault, as I'd asked in that capacity!) it was difficult to see what to apply to my situation and what not to.
Many theories have bounced around inside my head. Some combine both parties; others are concerned mainly with others' impressions/beliefs about me or focus on my failings. None of them have made me happier or bought me closer to a resolution. I wanted to talk to the people concerned directly, particularly the ones who matter most to me, but it's not the sort of thing I want to bring up in a Facebook message, and I haven't managed to catch them when I've been around online in order to really speak about it -- especially since I'd rather speak to as many people at once than deal with going through it individually.
Instead, I continue to theorise, to remind myself that there are people who do consistently choose to have me in their lives (in whatever capacity is possible at the moment) and to remind myself that these people wouldn't make that choice if I were fundamentally flawed to such a degree that I am not worthy of any friendship/caring/love.
And so... I bring this to you, dear blog friends. Have you ever felt this way? If you did, how did you handle the situation? How did other people respond to your management of same? And/or, what do you think makes some people more invisible than others and how much of the 'blame'/'responsibility' for that lies where?
Over the past little while I've been exploring the concept of invisiblity (in the symbolic, rather than literal, sense). What is it that makes some people more visible than others; and how much of that belongs on which side of the equation?
For myself, I've felt fairly unwelcome and invisible in several layers of my life recently. I suppose unwelcome isn't necessarily the right word, but certainly invisible is accurate. I've had times where I've wondered if I actually even still exist; if I dreamed my half of a conversation or if perhaps I simply forgot to say what I thought I'd said.
At first I told myself I was being silly. I told myself I was blowing things out of proportion and overreacting. I had, afterall, just come back after a bit of time away -- and before I went away, I often felt unwanted (possibly due to things in my own head). However as time went on, I began to speak about it a little with one or two other people -- people who had noticed the ways I had seemingly faded, and gave me confirmation that it wasn't all in my head.
Reassured that this wasn't entirely a case of borderline 'paranoia' or personal misconception due to insecurity etc, I began to explore why it might be so. What is it that I am doing that is leading to this response? IS it something I'm doing? I asked a few people in a general sort of way and I gave thought to their responses, however as they were responding in general terms (my own fault, as I'd asked in that capacity!) it was difficult to see what to apply to my situation and what not to.
Many theories have bounced around inside my head. Some combine both parties; others are concerned mainly with others' impressions/beliefs about me or focus on my failings. None of them have made me happier or bought me closer to a resolution. I wanted to talk to the people concerned directly, particularly the ones who matter most to me, but it's not the sort of thing I want to bring up in a Facebook message, and I haven't managed to catch them when I've been around online in order to really speak about it -- especially since I'd rather speak to as many people at once than deal with going through it individually.
Instead, I continue to theorise, to remind myself that there are people who do consistently choose to have me in their lives (in whatever capacity is possible at the moment) and to remind myself that these people wouldn't make that choice if I were fundamentally flawed to such a degree that I am not worthy of any friendship/caring/love.
And so... I bring this to you, dear blog friends. Have you ever felt this way? If you did, how did you handle the situation? How did other people respond to your management of same? And/or, what do you think makes some people more invisible than others and how much of the 'blame'/'responsibility' for that lies where?
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday Sanguine Saturday
Sorry for the delayed post, I'vre been busy and a bit reclusive since the weekend. To be honest, I'm doing it a bit tough just now. But I'm still moving forward, and that's always a positive thing. Last week is a bit vague in my mind, so these will probably be pretty short.
Success Stories:
No self harm.
Medication as appropriate!
I made changes to a plan I'd had with my brother, so he came up here and we had a picnic at the park; we'll be going to Movie World with my eldest niece next time he has her, instead.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My partner.
My sister-who-isn't.
My partner's daughter.
All the iPhone games I play.
My three little monkeys.
Knowing it's okay that I'm struggling, because I have supportive people in my life.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
No self harm.
Medication as appropriate!
I made changes to a plan I'd had with my brother, so he came up here and we had a picnic at the park; we'll be going to Movie World with my eldest niece next time he has her, instead.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My partner.
My sister-who-isn't.
My partner's daughter.
All the iPhone games I play.
My three little monkeys.
Knowing it's okay that I'm struggling, because I have supportive people in my life.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sanguine Saturday returns as Sanguine Sunday!
Hello world, I'm back!
The internet has finally been turned on here in our new place and that means Sanguine Saturday can return - as Sanguine Sunday, though. I missed you all and hope that things have been as calm as possible and that you're all doing well.
While I was away I achieved a number of things, some of which will probably be fairly evident and others that you may never know -- but *I* know I did them (even if many have now been forgotten in specifics), and that's pretty important.
Success Stories:
Since mid-December, I have only self harmed once, and it was minor.
I've been taking my medication appropriately.
Even though I supplied my pension card when I handed in my prescription, I was charged a non-pension price, so I went back and sorted it out! I got an apology and the excess money back.
I set myself a "productivity goal" and stuck to it.
I went to an induction to begin volunteer work at the local animal shelter. One more and then I get to start volunteering!
I've been working on building a support team for myself up here.
I handled a situation that was very upsetting for me, and I handled it in a manner that was appropriate.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Having our own place.
Getting the internet on again!
iPhone games! (Does anyone play PetHouse, Fluff Friends, Dream Zoo or DragonVale?)
Books, movies and boardgames -- the things that kept me sane while I was internetless!
Housework, and knowing nobody's gonna yell at me if I do it the "wrong" way.
My nieces and nephew.
Kindness.
Shiny kitchens!
The apparent existence of Dogopoly.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
The internet has finally been turned on here in our new place and that means Sanguine Saturday can return - as Sanguine Sunday, though. I missed you all and hope that things have been as calm as possible and that you're all doing well.
While I was away I achieved a number of things, some of which will probably be fairly evident and others that you may never know -- but *I* know I did them (even if many have now been forgotten in specifics), and that's pretty important.
Success Stories:
Since mid-December, I have only self harmed once, and it was minor.
I've been taking my medication appropriately.
Even though I supplied my pension card when I handed in my prescription, I was charged a non-pension price, so I went back and sorted it out! I got an apology and the excess money back.
I set myself a "productivity goal" and stuck to it.
I went to an induction to begin volunteer work at the local animal shelter. One more and then I get to start volunteering!
I've been working on building a support team for myself up here.
I handled a situation that was very upsetting for me, and I handled it in a manner that was appropriate.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Adam.
Having our own place.
Getting the internet on again!
iPhone games! (Does anyone play PetHouse, Fluff Friends, Dream Zoo or DragonVale?)
Books, movies and boardgames -- the things that kept me sane while I was internetless!
Housework, and knowing nobody's gonna yell at me if I do it the "wrong" way.
My nieces and nephew.
Kindness.
Shiny kitchens!
The apparent existence of Dogopoly.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Who I am is much more important than how I look.
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It really is okay to not be perfect.
Just because something is scary doesn't mean I can't do it anyway.
I AM worth it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sanguine SeaWorld Saturday!
Happy Saturday my friends. :)
Well, I have what I think is great news -- in the next couple of weeks, I'm moving! Adam and I have now confirmed that we have a place in Caboolture, which is way on the North side of Brisbane, almost on the Sunshine Coast. It's a two bedroom ground floor unit in a secure complex that has a pool, and I'm thrilled. We're just waiting on them fixing something up so we can move in. :D
Today's is a quick post as we're off to SeaWorld for the day. :)
Success Stories:
Still no self harm!
I stood up to my fear and went on a ride I've wanted to go on for years. As it turned out, I didn't like it and won't be doing it again, but I still stood up to that fear!
I set boundaries with a friend and stuck to them.
I've been working on telling myself that I look good.
I talked to my doctor and because I was well prepared, I got the medication I wanted prescribed to me.
I'm taking my new medicine appropriately.
Been getting lots of decluttering done and throwing out lots of things I don't need.
Threw out several SI tools.
I also threw out stuff I was holding onto from my wedding -- not because I felt like I "had" to, but because I honestly didn't want it anymore.
I swallowed my pride and asked my mother for a loan so I can attend my brother's wedding. She's thinking about it.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
SeaWorld
MovieWorld
Giraffes
Adam
Moving!
Pocket Frogs (iPhone game)
Good friends
Dolphins
Excitement
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I look great!
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Well, I have what I think is great news -- in the next couple of weeks, I'm moving! Adam and I have now confirmed that we have a place in Caboolture, which is way on the North side of Brisbane, almost on the Sunshine Coast. It's a two bedroom ground floor unit in a secure complex that has a pool, and I'm thrilled. We're just waiting on them fixing something up so we can move in. :D
Today's is a quick post as we're off to SeaWorld for the day. :)
Success Stories:
Still no self harm!
I stood up to my fear and went on a ride I've wanted to go on for years. As it turned out, I didn't like it and won't be doing it again, but I still stood up to that fear!
I set boundaries with a friend and stuck to them.
I've been working on telling myself that I look good.
I talked to my doctor and because I was well prepared, I got the medication I wanted prescribed to me.
I'm taking my new medicine appropriately.
Been getting lots of decluttering done and throwing out lots of things I don't need.
Threw out several SI tools.
I also threw out stuff I was holding onto from my wedding -- not because I felt like I "had" to, but because I honestly didn't want it anymore.
I swallowed my pride and asked my mother for a loan so I can attend my brother's wedding. She's thinking about it.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
SeaWorld
MovieWorld
Giraffes
Adam
Moving!
Pocket Frogs (iPhone game)
Good friends
Dolphins
Excitement
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I look great!
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sanguine Saturday :)
Aww, things didn't quite pan out the way I was thinking with my news to share, so fingers crossed but it's looking likely for some time in the next couple of weeks. More to come later! ;)
Success Stories:
Still no self harm! I think we're in record territory again here. ;)
Because I know I don't always have the most realistic view on things, I arranged for Adam to be present during a doctor's appointment (tomorrow) to discuss a couple of things my doctor needs to know before I go on some OTC medication I want to take.
Managed to get a bit of stuff done in my room this week.
I've been reading again - a good sign for my concentration!
One thing I've been trying to do lately is downsize the amount of "stuff" I have, and I've been able to get rid of a fair bit this week.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs (the iPhone game).
Adam.
Hope.
Excitement.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
Still no self harm! I think we're in record territory again here. ;)
Because I know I don't always have the most realistic view on things, I arranged for Adam to be present during a doctor's appointment (tomorrow) to discuss a couple of things my doctor needs to know before I go on some OTC medication I want to take.
Managed to get a bit of stuff done in my room this week.
I've been reading again - a good sign for my concentration!
One thing I've been trying to do lately is downsize the amount of "stuff" I have, and I've been able to get rid of a fair bit this week.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs (the iPhone game).
Adam.
Hope.
Excitement.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to make healthy choices for myself.
It's okay to do things that other people don't approve of, too. It's my life I'm living, not theirs!
I have strength, determination and persistence. If I set my mind to this, I CAN do it.
I don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake, people will still care about me.
Even if I don't feel it, who I am really is 'enough'. I don't have to make up for it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sanguine... Wednesday? ;)
Oh dear, another very late Sanguine Saturday post. Things here have been a little bit crazy and a large bit busy, plus I was a bit ill with a headache for a couple of days. I've something big in the works, but I don't want to write about it until I know for sure what's happening, but hopefully by next week I'll have some good news to share.
I'm relatively stable at the moment, despite the crazy reasserting itself around the newness of my relationship and a few things going on with my physical health; I've fallen in love with a new song -- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon -- and become somewhat obsessed with an iPhone game called Pocket Frogs. If you have an iPhone you should definitely try it, it's adorable. :D
Success Stories:
Still NO self harm!
I'm working on some stuff that is a bit of an issue for me right now.
My weight has remained fairly stable despite the Christmassy eating I did.
I'm working on my boundaries still.
I'm still working on changing how I deal with things.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs.
New music.
Having things to look forward to.
Teasing (in a nice, fun way).
Mario Kart
Whoopin' people who think they're going to win at a race... :p
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to explore who I am. It's okay to have likes, dislikes and even *wants*.
Letting myself be loved and cared about isn't a bad thing.
It's okay to make healthier choices for myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I'm relatively stable at the moment, despite the crazy reasserting itself around the newness of my relationship and a few things going on with my physical health; I've fallen in love with a new song -- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon -- and become somewhat obsessed with an iPhone game called Pocket Frogs. If you have an iPhone you should definitely try it, it's adorable. :D
Success Stories:
Still NO self harm!
I'm working on some stuff that is a bit of an issue for me right now.
My weight has remained fairly stable despite the Christmassy eating I did.
I'm working on my boundaries still.
I'm still working on changing how I deal with things.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Pocket Frogs.
New music.
Having things to look forward to.
Teasing (in a nice, fun way).
Mario Kart
Whoopin' people who think they're going to win at a race... :p
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to explore who I am. It's okay to have likes, dislikes and even *wants*.
Letting myself be loved and cared about isn't a bad thing.
It's okay to make healthier choices for myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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