Saturday snuck up while I wasn't watching! Before I write this week's Sanguine Saturday, though, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support after my last post.
Success Stories:
I followed medical directions (mostly).
I did my homework and socialised with friends.
I won a prize during one of the bonus questions at trivia -- true, it was because I'm sad enough to recognise Spongebob from three characters (Gary, Karen and Patrick), but still! ;) A free drink is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll.
No burning.
Took the dentist information to the doctor so I could get started with a health care plan.
Did some self advocacy by requesting different medication as I wasn't happy with the side effects of the Avanza.
Managed to knuckle down and do two of the many cards I need to get busy making.
Had a very difficult conversation with my psychologist.
I named several of the fish at my Spychologist's office (Koda, Deb, Flo and maybe Freckles). Cartoon theme, apparently, because one of the other fish, a white Molly, has been named Kimba!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Light night walks.
Books.
Scrapbooking & cardmaking.
Good doctors.
Cool new scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies.
Plans for fun activities.
Trivia.
Coke Zero.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to have emotions.
Going into hospital wasn't a failure. I took responsibility for my health and I did what I needed to do to work towards better health.
Just because something might look like a personal rejection doesn't mean it is.
It's allowed and okay to want things.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Tsunami (Otherwise known as "Where I'm At")
Some of you may know/remember that November is often a difficult month for me, and despite last year's improvement, this year was something of a set-back. I don't know how obvious it's been (either here or elsewhere), but my mental health has been declining for quite some time. There were several things feeding it, including another visit with my father, but the result is that for particularly the last several months, I've been very unwell.
I've been increasingly paranoid, guilty and ashamed, and withdrawing/guarding my comments, because my thoughts lead me to believe I'm unwanted anyway -- every comment or lack of comment has looked like a closed door; I've been losing large chunks of time and not even realising it; the hallucinations that are part of either my depression or the BPD, and indeed my entire sense of reality, have all gradually spiralled out of control; and all my efforts to right the roller coaster have only confused the issues more.
As a result of all this, after what had been I think around 3 years, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit for just over a week. I suppose I think that if I had just worked harder at being well, if I had tried harder, this wouldn't have happened. I find myself feeling deeply ashamed to have been admitted back there when I know that I don't think badly of anyone else who is admitted.
The upshot of all this is that my medication and my diagnosis have both been changed, and that there is talk of more intensive support being available, especially since the program I've been seeing my private psychologist (Sonia) under has now ended, leaving me with four sessions until next year (quite a drop since I had been seeing her 2 to 3 times a week). I'm not certain exactly what that support will entail but there was mention of a case manager to help organise some sort of housing, a public psychiatrist once a month or so and someone from the Mobile Intensive Treatment team to see a couple of times a week.
In the meantime, what I do know is that I've been put back onto Avanza (mirtazapine) - though how long that will last (as its sedating effects are already beginning to wear off) remains to be seen - and my diagnosis has been officially changed to also include Dissociative Identities Disorder. I must admit, it feels quite surreal to have that on my record after spending 12 years knowing but undiagnosed. I'm still sorting through how I feel about it, that's for sure.
There's been a lot of upheaval. There's still a lot of upheaval. I'm doing better than I was prior to my admission, but I'm still very unwell and struggling with many of the same issues I was having difficulty with before I went into hospital.
I've been increasingly paranoid, guilty and ashamed, and withdrawing/guarding my comments, because my thoughts lead me to believe I'm unwanted anyway -- every comment or lack of comment has looked like a closed door; I've been losing large chunks of time and not even realising it; the hallucinations that are part of either my depression or the BPD, and indeed my entire sense of reality, have all gradually spiralled out of control; and all my efforts to right the roller coaster have only confused the issues more.
As a result of all this, after what had been I think around 3 years, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit for just over a week. I suppose I think that if I had just worked harder at being well, if I had tried harder, this wouldn't have happened. I find myself feeling deeply ashamed to have been admitted back there when I know that I don't think badly of anyone else who is admitted.
The upshot of all this is that my medication and my diagnosis have both been changed, and that there is talk of more intensive support being available, especially since the program I've been seeing my private psychologist (Sonia) under has now ended, leaving me with four sessions until next year (quite a drop since I had been seeing her 2 to 3 times a week). I'm not certain exactly what that support will entail but there was mention of a case manager to help organise some sort of housing, a public psychiatrist once a month or so and someone from the Mobile Intensive Treatment team to see a couple of times a week.
In the meantime, what I do know is that I've been put back onto Avanza (mirtazapine) - though how long that will last (as its sedating effects are already beginning to wear off) remains to be seen - and my diagnosis has been officially changed to also include Dissociative Identities Disorder. I must admit, it feels quite surreal to have that on my record after spending 12 years knowing but undiagnosed. I'm still sorting through how I feel about it, that's for sure.
There's been a lot of upheaval. There's still a lot of upheaval. I'm doing better than I was prior to my admission, but I'm still very unwell and struggling with many of the same issues I was having difficulty with before I went into hospital.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
I know my last SS post was only a couple of days ago, but it *is* Saturday, and that means it's time for another SS post!
A lot of this week has been much like last week, and I do intend to write a post over the next little while with a bit of an update on what's been going on and where I'm at just now, but time, energy and shame factors are holding me back at the moment.
Success Stories:
I think I'm just shy of 3 months sober (again).
No burning.
I've complied with medical stuff all week.
I faced my fear and visited some people in a setting that made me anxious (and was glad I did, as my visit seemed to have brightened their day).
I've been stretching my touch boundaries again.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My Spychology centre now has fish as well as Cayle the therapy puppy! AND I get to name one of them!
Books.
Music.
Good friends.
Silly (and distracty) games.
New friends.
Seeing Alan Davies Life Is Pain this week!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can choose whether to act on my thoughts.
Sometimes it's okay to sit and "be" with an emotion.
It's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
A lot of this week has been much like last week, and I do intend to write a post over the next little while with a bit of an update on what's been going on and where I'm at just now, but time, energy and shame factors are holding me back at the moment.
Success Stories:
I think I'm just shy of 3 months sober (again).
No burning.
I've complied with medical stuff all week.
I faced my fear and visited some people in a setting that made me anxious (and was glad I did, as my visit seemed to have brightened their day).
I've been stretching my touch boundaries again.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My Spychology centre now has fish as well as Cayle the therapy puppy! AND I get to name one of them!
Books.
Music.
Good friends.
Silly (and distracty) games.
New friends.
Seeing Alan Davies Life Is Pain this week!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can choose whether to act on my thoughts.
Sometimes it's okay to sit and "be" with an emotion.
It's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sanguine Saturday from my week away
Last week's Sanguine Saturday, finally being posted on my return!
Success Stories:
I was honest with my treatment team, even when I knew I wouldn't like the consequences.
I tidied my bedroom.
I kept myself safe (even when I didn't want to).
I asked for help from someone I don't normally "lean" on.
I accepted things graciously.
I told my nurse something relevant to my treatment that I hadn't previously shared with her.
I asked my nurse for a hug because I wanted one (huuuuuuuuuuuuge thing!)
I started making more solid moving plans.
Positives:
* Giraffes
* Fruit
* Rice/Corn cakes
* Coke Zero
* Soft toys
* Felt pens/colours
* People liking something I did
Challenges:
If everyone else has worth, who is to say I don't, too?
People have no reason to lie about liking osmething I did.
It's okay to do things to keep myself safe and to look after myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I was honest with my treatment team, even when I knew I wouldn't like the consequences.
I tidied my bedroom.
I kept myself safe (even when I didn't want to).
I asked for help from someone I don't normally "lean" on.
I accepted things graciously.
I told my nurse something relevant to my treatment that I hadn't previously shared with her.
I asked my nurse for a hug because I wanted one (huuuuuuuuuuuuge thing!)
I started making more solid moving plans.
Positives:
* Giraffes
* Fruit
* Rice/Corn cakes
* Coke Zero
* Soft toys
* Felt pens/colours
* People liking something I did
Challenges:
If everyone else has worth, who is to say I don't, too?
People have no reason to lie about liking osmething I did.
It's okay to do things to keep myself safe and to look after myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Phew, another busy day! I've been sorting out Christmas presents over the last few days, and hanging out with a mate, which has been great.
I'm not sure if I'll be around for next week's post, I'm thinking of going away for a bit without my laptop this week, and I'm not sure if I'll go for just a couple of days or if I'll take a week (or more!). If I'm not around a computer to post on Saturday, I'll just have to write one up and type it at a later date.
Success Stories:
I went to a movie with my mate and chose the movie. Which didn't turn out to be the best choice I could've made, but I think he's forgiven me anyway. ;) (He'll just have to choose next time!)
I followed health care directions, even though I really wanted to do the exact opposite.
I managed to do a couple of things that were extremely difficult for me.
When trivia was cancelled again, I didn't play the avoidance game by telling Liz not to come.
I came up with suggestions on what to do as an alternative.
I baked a (healthier) apricot and walnut loaf for my mum's friend to take to work, and everyone said it was great.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Christmas is nearly here!
Pretty earrings.
Pretty clothes.
Apple and cinnamon flavoured rice cakes!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to do something towards looking after my health.
Neither feelings nor thoughts are facts.
It's okay to let someone do something nice for me sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Friday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I'm not sure if I'll be around for next week's post, I'm thinking of going away for a bit without my laptop this week, and I'm not sure if I'll go for just a couple of days or if I'll take a week (or more!). If I'm not around a computer to post on Saturday, I'll just have to write one up and type it at a later date.
Success Stories:
I went to a movie with my mate and chose the movie. Which didn't turn out to be the best choice I could've made, but I think he's forgiven me anyway. ;) (He'll just have to choose next time!)
I followed health care directions, even though I really wanted to do the exact opposite.
I managed to do a couple of things that were extremely difficult for me.
When trivia was cancelled again, I didn't play the avoidance game by telling Liz not to come.
I came up with suggestions on what to do as an alternative.
I baked a (healthier) apricot and walnut loaf for my mum's friend to take to work, and everyone said it was great.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Christmas is nearly here!
Pretty earrings.
Pretty clothes.
Apple and cinnamon flavoured rice cakes!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to do something towards looking after my health.
Neither feelings nor thoughts are facts.
It's okay to let someone do something nice for me sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Friday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Apparently it's Saturday again already. I'm very unwell at the moment, forgive the briskness of this week's Sanguine Saturday. (And please also forgive anything that makes little sense.)
Success Stories:
I had better posture at Jazzercise this week -- not, unfortunately, a better grasp of the moves, but still!
My ATODS worker and I decided together that I'm ready to begin tapering off my sessions as I am doing quite well with managing my alcohol problem.
I asked my doctor about going on a care plan so that I could get my teeth fixed and he began to put that in the works.
After speaking to my nurses and arranging ways of making it as bearable as possible, I booked an appointmet to have a (terrifying but 'necessary') health procedure done.
I followed through with my appointment and actually had the procedure done.
Afterwards, I went shopping to distract myself instead of ruminating.
I attempted to attend Pub Trivia with my friend, and when it was cancelled by the Pub, I came up with an alternative plan!
I've been wearing "girly" clothes, and things that actually show skin.
I helped my mum out by making a 100th birthday card for her to send to someone she knows.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Op shops, because then I can have "new" clothes without having to pay a fortune.
Fruit.
I have the two best nurses in the history of the universe ever.
Christmas is coming.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts. Nor are thoughts.
Things aren't always what they seem. Reality check.
I am safe.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I had better posture at Jazzercise this week -- not, unfortunately, a better grasp of the moves, but still!
My ATODS worker and I decided together that I'm ready to begin tapering off my sessions as I am doing quite well with managing my alcohol problem.
I asked my doctor about going on a care plan so that I could get my teeth fixed and he began to put that in the works.
After speaking to my nurses and arranging ways of making it as bearable as possible, I booked an appointmet to have a (terrifying but 'necessary') health procedure done.
I followed through with my appointment and actually had the procedure done.
Afterwards, I went shopping to distract myself instead of ruminating.
I attempted to attend Pub Trivia with my friend, and when it was cancelled by the Pub, I came up with an alternative plan!
I've been wearing "girly" clothes, and things that actually show skin.
I helped my mum out by making a 100th birthday card for her to send to someone she knows.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Op shops, because then I can have "new" clothes without having to pay a fortune.
Fruit.
I have the two best nurses in the history of the universe ever.
Christmas is coming.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts. Nor are thoughts.
Things aren't always what they seem. Reality check.
I am safe.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Is it really Saturday again already? This week was another busy one and time just flew by. I really don't know what happened to it!
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I got some scrapbooking done.
I dressed up and went out by myself to do something I really wanted to do.
When I went out, I had a proper conversation with someone who had been on my bus that I hadn't known beforehand and told her about trivia. (She mentioned she's only been in Australia for 5 weeks and doesn't have a social life yet.) I also had a proper conversation with another complete stranger!
I made it to Jazzercise again.
I took a chance about something and that led to sorting it out.
I went to Pub Trivia with my friend Adam.
I spoke to Nikki about options for the dentist and now have a plan to get my teeth sorted out that *doesn't* involve me having to go to the dentist by myself.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
QI. Majorly happy thing.
Finding perfect presents for people. :D
Giraffes.
Pretty new dresses.
Fruit.
Music.
Sonia (my rockin' Spychologist)
In fact, all of my support team.
Good friends.
Pretty Christmas fabric (so I can attempt a pretty Christmas dress for myself).
Christmas is coming!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Am I hearing what was actually said, or am I hearing an interpretation?
Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it can't be good.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I got some scrapbooking done.
I dressed up and went out by myself to do something I really wanted to do.
When I went out, I had a proper conversation with someone who had been on my bus that I hadn't known beforehand and told her about trivia. (She mentioned she's only been in Australia for 5 weeks and doesn't have a social life yet.) I also had a proper conversation with another complete stranger!
I made it to Jazzercise again.
I took a chance about something and that led to sorting it out.
I went to Pub Trivia with my friend Adam.
I spoke to Nikki about options for the dentist and now have a plan to get my teeth sorted out that *doesn't* involve me having to go to the dentist by myself.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
QI. Majorly happy thing.
Finding perfect presents for people. :D
Giraffes.
Pretty new dresses.
Fruit.
Music.
Sonia (my rockin' Spychologist)
In fact, all of my support team.
Good friends.
Pretty Christmas fabric (so I can attempt a pretty Christmas dress for myself).
Christmas is coming!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Am I hearing what was actually said, or am I hearing an interpretation?
Just because something is frightening doesn't mean it can't be good.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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