Wave of Light

Anyone who's been following a while probably knew what this post was going to be the instant they saw I updated today, but for those of you who don't know what the Wave of Light is, let me explain.

Approximately 25% of all pregnancies ends in miscarriage, which when combined with rates for stillbirth & deaths that occur shortly after birth, means that 1 in every 3 pregnancies ends in loss. One out of every three families that are beginning to prepare to welcome a new life into the world and their family will instead find themselves saying goodbye far too soon. In honour and remembrance of all the babies lost to pregnancy loss or shortly after birth, people all around the world light a candle at 7pm local time, and leave it burning for at least an hour.

At the beginning of this post, you can see my candles, rose quartz crystals and a simple 'ornament' I made in grieving the loss of my daughter. This year I have four candles -- the butterfly shaded candle is for my daughter, my son has the simple (undecorated) holder until I find one more suited to him, and the pink & blue butterfly holders are for the female and male children/babies lost around the world.

For many years this has been a day of heartbreak for me. Such a pointed reminder of the children I've lost has, in the past, left me a little bit broken as I grieve all over again. This year, I'm pleased to say that although the sadness is there (leading me to be perhaps a little more irritable than usual), I am not broken. I grieve but there is peace and hope there.

And for those of you with Facebook, you're welcome to use this last one as a cover photo if you'd like.

In love and memory of Elyssami Faith and Mykelti Noah, and all the little children taken too soon.

Have you or someone in your life suffered a pregnancy or or early infant loss? Please feel free to share your child's name and their story in the comments and know that my heart goes out to you.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of Grateful

This week I'm grateful for:
1. People who go above and beyond their jobs in helping sort out problems.
2. Validation, confirmation and encouragement from my old nurse.
3. Jokes, laughter and easy conversation.
4. Group activities that allow me to socialise while developing new or old skills.
5. Unexpected opportunities.
6. Sunshine and warm weather.
7. Possibilities, excitement and enthusiasm.

30 Tuesday Truths: One

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 01 : Something you're working to change about yourself

Originally, today's topic was "something you hate about yourself", but I wanted to put a more positive spin on it. I don't need an indepth written explanation of what I dislike about myself -- I already know my flaws and would rather work to accept, improve or change them than to continue hating myself for them!

One of the things I've been working hard to change is my reflex to perceived/actual abandonment and rejection. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but it's important that I learn to work with and around it. When I feel like someone's pushing me out of their life, instead of going quietly without questioning it, nowadays I try to at least confirm it first! I still have a long way to go and a lot of work still needs to be done, though.

One of the things I've been doing to bring about this change is to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. If someone appears to be pushing me out of their life, I like to do a reality check -- does it seem that way to others whom I trust? If I were to see it from the outside, such as watching a friend go through it, would I expect the friend to react/feel similarly?

Another thing that helps me is, as I mentioned earlier, confirming it with the person or people involved. I prefer not to do this until after I've had a 'reality check' because I worry that people will find reassuring me too much work if I need it too often, but there are definitely times I would have done better to ask straight out. I'm finding that there are certain circumstances in which I can more easily accept the person's answers as truth/honesty rather than suspecting guilt has played a part (either subconsciously or consciously), so I try to make sure I ask in ways that don't push those buttons, that way I can trust the answers I receive.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to be able to say that I always check in with others and weigh up their possible/probable motivations before I respond to abandonment (perceived or real), and that the negative 'trigger' responses are controlled in their intensity and duration. For now, I can say that there is some progress in coping with the abandonment and the internal responses, but I still definitely wouldn't call it controlled in intensity/duration.


What have you been working on changing for yourself and how have you been doing it?

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Gratitudes

As you've no doubt noticed, Sanguine Saturday is still around. ;) I've decided to change it up a bit, though. I don't need to detail my accomplishments in a list anymore because it's time to focus on bigger things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let myself forget that the smaller accomplishments are what lead to the bigger ones, and I've not lost sight of the value of those small things -- I just no longer need to write them all out to see that I'm accomplishing things, and I imagine a list of accomplishments doesn't make for particularly interesting reading. ;)

However, Sanguine Saturday is a really important thing to and FOR me, and I've found it a valuable recovery tool to boot, so I needed to find a way to keep it. Please bear with me as I design and redefine a new version of Sanguine Saturday that works for my life as it is now.


This week I'm grateful for:
1. Opportunities to meet beautiful new people, like Bumface's friend's mother.
2. That quiet time in the mornings before Bumface wakes, when the day is fresh and new.
3. The gorgeous beaches on Bribie Island.
4. Support people who go above and beyond and really add to my life.
5. New perspectives and opportunities to see things in a different light.
6. Change, growth and strength.
7. The ability to take steps to improve our financial situation (not that it's dire - we don't go hungry!).

From Recovering To Living

I mentioned a while ago that I've been thinking about this blog and what direction I should take with it. Now that I'm starting to really delve into recovery in a new way, moving from a focus of recovering and into just LIVING (the difference is small, yet simultaneously creates a big impact), I think it's time for my blog to reflect it. My life is very different to how it was when I began this blog, and lately that's meant no updates because ... well, I haven't known what to say that I could say in a way that suited what I felt the blog to have been.

What does this mean for Dialectic Dichotomy? Hopefully more updates! I want to keep the blog positive, but allow myself a space to learn and absorb the lessons that life has for me, much like I've done in the past. I intend to bring in more aspects of my life as it is -- as time passes and I embrace more of what life has to offer, I hope that DD will become more than a mental health blog. After all, I am more than my mental illnesses, why should my blog be less than its author?

I also want to write some more about my relationship and the effects it has on me, as well as the ways my mental health affects my relationship. I want to write about my partner, our daughter, our friends, the ties that I'm building & the activities I'm engaging in within my new community. I want to write about the changes that happen in our lives, the positive things that are happening for us and the challenges we face. I want to write about the people and causes I support and why I support them.

I want to continue growing, and I want this to be a place where that is plainly evident...

...and I hope you all know how much I look forward to continuing this journey with you alongside.