Well, I had inntended to post this up on Christmas day and wish you all a good one, but I was a little busier than I expected to be and wound up with no time to write a post up at all. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Boxing Day though!
Things are going well here still at the moment. I spent Christmas day with my family, and the night cuddled up with Adam (boyfriend). I'm spending most of my free time with Adam in general lately, and I'm barely at home. ;) Unfortunately this has meant not really being able to catch up with some of my friends, but the time with Adam is both enjoyable and healthy for me, so I think it does even out. And with most of my support team on holidays for the next few weeks, the less time on my own the better -- the urges to be destructive are still there (of course!) but much more easily managed when I'm out or with Adam than when I'm alone in my room.
Success Stories:
I formulated a plan for how to keep myself as well as possible while my support team are on holidays.
No self harm at all.
I worked through another example in my therapy homework and got it right.
I navigated some difficult conversations with my support team, instead of avoiding them completely.
I talked with Adam about some things that were bothering or worrying me.
I helped my mum with some of the Christmas "baking" she had to do for Christmas at my brother's place.
I got the kids' presents wrapped in time.
I've been exploring and gently pushing at my own boundaries.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Safe touch.
Adam.
Giraffes.
Christmas.
Christmas lights.
Safety.
Feeling like a princess.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to look after myself.
Just becaause I've always reacted in a particular way doesn't mean I have to keep reacting in that way.
It's okay to make choices about my own body, and it's okay to say no to things I'm not comfortable with.
It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sanguine Saturday!
Goodness, it might only be a week since my last post, but my, how things have changed. For the first time since I've been living here (about 5 years I think), I am in a relationship again. We met about 4 years ago, so we know each other pretty well, which is good! He came prewarned about a lot of my issues ;) which is also a good start, and I think we're good for each other. He is definitely good for me!
Success Stories:
I followed medical directions.
I attempted my therapy homework worksheets - and admitted to Sonia when I was finding it too challenging.
I admitted my concerns about Sonia not being available over the Christmas break if things go a little wonky.
I spoke to my nurses about contraception. Not because it's a concern right now, but better sooner rather than too late, and also because my new medication is one that you absolutely cannot get pregnant on.
Only one incident of self harm!
No burning. No drinking.
I asked my brother if he would sell me his DSLR camera. In the end I decided to buy a different camera, but asking was still an achievement!
I'm making plans to ensure that my upcoming "traditionally difficult" days are less difficult. Like making sure I have plans for New Years!
I named the rest of the fish at Sonia's office and suggested another breed because they're talking about adding more fish.
I helped my mum out by making (minus the sticking-on of roofs) some matchbox advent calendars.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Adam
Better medication!
Fun plans
Christmas!
Late night walks
My new camera!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Having trouble with my therapy homework doesn't make me stupid.
Being considered a parent is a privelege not a right. I have the right to make healthy and safe decisions about who I spend time with, no matter WHO they are.
It's okay to be properly vulnerable sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Post-Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Sunday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I followed medical directions.
I attempted my therapy homework worksheets - and admitted to Sonia when I was finding it too challenging.
I admitted my concerns about Sonia not being available over the Christmas break if things go a little wonky.
I spoke to my nurses about contraception. Not because it's a concern right now, but better sooner rather than too late, and also because my new medication is one that you absolutely cannot get pregnant on.
Only one incident of self harm!
No burning. No drinking.
I asked my brother if he would sell me his DSLR camera. In the end I decided to buy a different camera, but asking was still an achievement!
I'm making plans to ensure that my upcoming "traditionally difficult" days are less difficult. Like making sure I have plans for New Years!
I named the rest of the fish at Sonia's office and suggested another breed because they're talking about adding more fish.
I helped my mum out by making (minus the sticking-on of roofs) some matchbox advent calendars.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Adam
Better medication!
Fun plans
Christmas!
Late night walks
My new camera!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Having trouble with my therapy homework doesn't make me stupid.
Being considered a parent is a privelege not a right. I have the right to make healthy and safe decisions about who I spend time with, no matter WHO they are.
It's okay to be properly vulnerable sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Post-Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Sunday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Saturday snuck up while I wasn't watching! Before I write this week's Sanguine Saturday, though, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support after my last post.
Success Stories:
I followed medical directions (mostly).
I did my homework and socialised with friends.
I won a prize during one of the bonus questions at trivia -- true, it was because I'm sad enough to recognise Spongebob from three characters (Gary, Karen and Patrick), but still! ;) A free drink is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll.
No burning.
Took the dentist information to the doctor so I could get started with a health care plan.
Did some self advocacy by requesting different medication as I wasn't happy with the side effects of the Avanza.
Managed to knuckle down and do two of the many cards I need to get busy making.
Had a very difficult conversation with my psychologist.
I named several of the fish at my Spychologist's office (Koda, Deb, Flo and maybe Freckles). Cartoon theme, apparently, because one of the other fish, a white Molly, has been named Kimba!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Light night walks.
Books.
Scrapbooking & cardmaking.
Good doctors.
Cool new scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies.
Plans for fun activities.
Trivia.
Coke Zero.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to have emotions.
Going into hospital wasn't a failure. I took responsibility for my health and I did what I needed to do to work towards better health.
Just because something might look like a personal rejection doesn't mean it is.
It's allowed and okay to want things.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I followed medical directions (mostly).
I did my homework and socialised with friends.
I won a prize during one of the bonus questions at trivia -- true, it was because I'm sad enough to recognise Spongebob from three characters (Gary, Karen and Patrick), but still! ;) A free drink is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll.
No burning.
Took the dentist information to the doctor so I could get started with a health care plan.
Did some self advocacy by requesting different medication as I wasn't happy with the side effects of the Avanza.
Managed to knuckle down and do two of the many cards I need to get busy making.
Had a very difficult conversation with my psychologist.
I named several of the fish at my Spychologist's office (Koda, Deb, Flo and maybe Freckles). Cartoon theme, apparently, because one of the other fish, a white Molly, has been named Kimba!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends.
Light night walks.
Books.
Scrapbooking & cardmaking.
Good doctors.
Cool new scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies.
Plans for fun activities.
Trivia.
Coke Zero.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to have emotions.
Going into hospital wasn't a failure. I took responsibility for my health and I did what I needed to do to work towards better health.
Just because something might look like a personal rejection doesn't mean it is.
It's allowed and okay to want things.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Tsunami (Otherwise known as "Where I'm At")
Some of you may know/remember that November is often a difficult month for me, and despite last year's improvement, this year was something of a set-back. I don't know how obvious it's been (either here or elsewhere), but my mental health has been declining for quite some time. There were several things feeding it, including another visit with my father, but the result is that for particularly the last several months, I've been very unwell.
I've been increasingly paranoid, guilty and ashamed, and withdrawing/guarding my comments, because my thoughts lead me to believe I'm unwanted anyway -- every comment or lack of comment has looked like a closed door; I've been losing large chunks of time and not even realising it; the hallucinations that are part of either my depression or the BPD, and indeed my entire sense of reality, have all gradually spiralled out of control; and all my efforts to right the roller coaster have only confused the issues more.
As a result of all this, after what had been I think around 3 years, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit for just over a week. I suppose I think that if I had just worked harder at being well, if I had tried harder, this wouldn't have happened. I find myself feeling deeply ashamed to have been admitted back there when I know that I don't think badly of anyone else who is admitted.
The upshot of all this is that my medication and my diagnosis have both been changed, and that there is talk of more intensive support being available, especially since the program I've been seeing my private psychologist (Sonia) under has now ended, leaving me with four sessions until next year (quite a drop since I had been seeing her 2 to 3 times a week). I'm not certain exactly what that support will entail but there was mention of a case manager to help organise some sort of housing, a public psychiatrist once a month or so and someone from the Mobile Intensive Treatment team to see a couple of times a week.
In the meantime, what I do know is that I've been put back onto Avanza (mirtazapine) - though how long that will last (as its sedating effects are already beginning to wear off) remains to be seen - and my diagnosis has been officially changed to also include Dissociative Identities Disorder. I must admit, it feels quite surreal to have that on my record after spending 12 years knowing but undiagnosed. I'm still sorting through how I feel about it, that's for sure.
There's been a lot of upheaval. There's still a lot of upheaval. I'm doing better than I was prior to my admission, but I'm still very unwell and struggling with many of the same issues I was having difficulty with before I went into hospital.
I've been increasingly paranoid, guilty and ashamed, and withdrawing/guarding my comments, because my thoughts lead me to believe I'm unwanted anyway -- every comment or lack of comment has looked like a closed door; I've been losing large chunks of time and not even realising it; the hallucinations that are part of either my depression or the BPD, and indeed my entire sense of reality, have all gradually spiralled out of control; and all my efforts to right the roller coaster have only confused the issues more.
As a result of all this, after what had been I think around 3 years, I was admitted to the hospital's psychiatric unit for just over a week. I suppose I think that if I had just worked harder at being well, if I had tried harder, this wouldn't have happened. I find myself feeling deeply ashamed to have been admitted back there when I know that I don't think badly of anyone else who is admitted.
The upshot of all this is that my medication and my diagnosis have both been changed, and that there is talk of more intensive support being available, especially since the program I've been seeing my private psychologist (Sonia) under has now ended, leaving me with four sessions until next year (quite a drop since I had been seeing her 2 to 3 times a week). I'm not certain exactly what that support will entail but there was mention of a case manager to help organise some sort of housing, a public psychiatrist once a month or so and someone from the Mobile Intensive Treatment team to see a couple of times a week.
In the meantime, what I do know is that I've been put back onto Avanza (mirtazapine) - though how long that will last (as its sedating effects are already beginning to wear off) remains to be seen - and my diagnosis has been officially changed to also include Dissociative Identities Disorder. I must admit, it feels quite surreal to have that on my record after spending 12 years knowing but undiagnosed. I'm still sorting through how I feel about it, that's for sure.
There's been a lot of upheaval. There's still a lot of upheaval. I'm doing better than I was prior to my admission, but I'm still very unwell and struggling with many of the same issues I was having difficulty with before I went into hospital.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
I know my last SS post was only a couple of days ago, but it *is* Saturday, and that means it's time for another SS post!
A lot of this week has been much like last week, and I do intend to write a post over the next little while with a bit of an update on what's been going on and where I'm at just now, but time, energy and shame factors are holding me back at the moment.
Success Stories:
I think I'm just shy of 3 months sober (again).
No burning.
I've complied with medical stuff all week.
I faced my fear and visited some people in a setting that made me anxious (and was glad I did, as my visit seemed to have brightened their day).
I've been stretching my touch boundaries again.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My Spychology centre now has fish as well as Cayle the therapy puppy! AND I get to name one of them!
Books.
Music.
Good friends.
Silly (and distracty) games.
New friends.
Seeing Alan Davies Life Is Pain this week!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can choose whether to act on my thoughts.
Sometimes it's okay to sit and "be" with an emotion.
It's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
A lot of this week has been much like last week, and I do intend to write a post over the next little while with a bit of an update on what's been going on and where I'm at just now, but time, energy and shame factors are holding me back at the moment.
Success Stories:
I think I'm just shy of 3 months sober (again).
No burning.
I've complied with medical stuff all week.
I faced my fear and visited some people in a setting that made me anxious (and was glad I did, as my visit seemed to have brightened their day).
I've been stretching my touch boundaries again.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
My Spychology centre now has fish as well as Cayle the therapy puppy! AND I get to name one of them!
Books.
Music.
Good friends.
Silly (and distracty) games.
New friends.
Seeing Alan Davies Life Is Pain this week!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can choose whether to act on my thoughts.
Sometimes it's okay to sit and "be" with an emotion.
It's okay to not be perfect and to make mistakes sometimes.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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