I'm struggling a lot at the moment. I'm reading peoples' blogs, but mostly not commenting because I have nothing worth hearing to add. Almost everything's fallen by the wayside this week as I attempt to pick up the pieces after my family surprised me with half an hour's notice to get ready for my father to come over. I'll get there in the end.
In better news, I'm leaving for my holiday in two weeks. There's so much I need to do before I go, which, in theory, means there's less time for rumination! And that can only be a good thing. ;)
Success Stories:
No burning
Three weeks sober
I've been trying to do the right thing about/with my grafts
I didn't use my father's visit as an excuse to wreck everything
I went in and talked to the Optus man about options with my phone (for my holiday)
I managed to get some tidying done
I managed to do some exercising
I've been doing some writing to help me process some feelings/situations
I kept my plans to meet someone for lunch and then ate in front of her!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Squirrels and giraffes.
Being spontaneously told I'm good at something I love doing.
In a couple of weeks I get to spend face-to-face time with some of the people I love.
Moments of random, moments of silly, moments of weird.
Knowing that I don't have to deal with too much of Winter this year since I'm going where it's Summer!
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
What somebody chooses to do to me is not my responsibility - what I choose to do about it is.
Just because somebody rejects what I am offering doesn't mean I was wrong to offer it.
I don't have to apologise just for existing. It's okay that I am alive, it's okay that I am.
Anger is just another emotion. It's okay to feel angry.
It doesn't matter what numbers are on the scale, how many scars I have or how many mistakes I've made, I'm still a person and I still have worth.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Wednesday
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
I did this backwards today, and almost posted up last week's Sanguine Saturday thinking I was done because I started with the links to everyone else's! Then I got distracted with some cleaning...
My brother returns home from America tomorrow morning!
Success Stories:
No burning.
Two weeks sober.
No stitches.
I stood up and spoke at the AA meeting on Monday.
I walked every day this week and mostly for at least an hour/hour and a half.
When I found a new, unopened bottle of alcohol stashed in my room, I sent my brother a text and asked if he or his girlfriend wanted it. It's now in the loungeroom ready for him to collect!
I negotiated with my mother about the amount of board I'll be paying while I'm away - she wanted full rent and board but I talked her down to full rent and half board.
I stuck it out through a couple of difficult discussions.
I managed to get a few things done that I've been needing to do for a long time.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes!
Squirrels!
Getting things in perspective.
DDO!
Poetry - reading, writing, sharing and discussing!
Knowing that there are things that light me up inside.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Life is not meant to be black & white. Something can be neither one thing nor the other ... or it can be both!
Emotions exist for a reason, it's okay to have them and to feel them.
One day at a time, I can do this.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Feelings are not facts!
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Wednesday
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things
M of some wild, strident argument with i'm glad you fellows liked the somewhat - positive post
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
My brother returns home from America tomorrow morning!
Success Stories:
No burning.
Two weeks sober.
No stitches.
I stood up and spoke at the AA meeting on Monday.
I walked every day this week and mostly for at least an hour/hour and a half.
When I found a new, unopened bottle of alcohol stashed in my room, I sent my brother a text and asked if he or his girlfriend wanted it. It's now in the loungeroom ready for him to collect!
I negotiated with my mother about the amount of board I'll be paying while I'm away - she wanted full rent and board but I talked her down to full rent and half board.
I stuck it out through a couple of difficult discussions.
I managed to get a few things done that I've been needing to do for a long time.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes!
Squirrels!
Getting things in perspective.
DDO!
Poetry - reading, writing, sharing and discussing!
Knowing that there are things that light me up inside.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Life is not meant to be black & white. Something can be neither one thing nor the other ... or it can be both!
Emotions exist for a reason, it's okay to have them and to feel them.
One day at a time, I can do this.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Feelings are not facts!
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positive Wednesday
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things
M of some wild, strident argument with i'm glad you fellows liked the somewhat - positive post
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Black & White Can Be Sneaky
Sometimes unexpected discoveries pop up right in the middle of something else. Today my alcohol counsellor and I were discussing some of the things going on in my life at the moment, and in the midst of explaining my concerns over something nice someone had done for me, I came out with something very similar to "I'm worried because she annoys me sometimes, but she has done this really lovely thing for me. Now that she's done this, I'll feel guilty if I get annoyed."
Instead of agreeing with me, or testing me with what skills I can use to deal with the guilt, my counsellor looked at me for a moment and asked me what kind of thinking I was using. As she reminded me of what I know about thinking styles/patterns and how some are helpful & others aren't, the cacaphony of thoughts in my head ran something like:
Does this mean she thinks it's an unhelpful thought pattern? Why is it unhelpful? Of course I'll feel guilty if I get annoyed - I should! If someone does something nice to or for me, I owe them. Having any negative feeling around/about that person is clearly a sign that I'm not grateful enough. It would be extremely rude of me to be ungrateful after such a lovely thing was done for me. Knowing that doing that will make me a Bad Person makes these thoughts helpful because now I know I have to banish all traces of annoyance and override them with the more appropriate response of gratitude.
"I think it's helpful thinking," I answered her, and went on to repeat my thoughts on the matter. My counsellor paused and I could feel her gaze centre on me.
"Did you know," she began, "that if what you just said to me were true, we would ALL be in trouble? Even me!" I laughed and she added some more thoughts. "You've just told me that because someone has done something nice for you, feeling annoyed would make you a bad person and that if you feel annoyed it would mean that you are not grateful. Do you recognise anything about this thinking?"
Suddenly, it hits me. This is all-or-nothing thinking!
And it's been sneaking in and camping out unnoticed in a lot of places lately.
I don't know why it is, but for some reason, this style of black&white thinking still doesn't show up on my radar. I've got better, I think, at recognising that style in general, but it continues to elude me when it pertains to interpersonal skills.
I can't seem to find a better way to end this, but it's late and I need to start finishing up for the night. See you all later for Sanguine Saturday!
Cheerleading/challenges:
This is a good step and I can build on it.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Being offered something (or given something, or making a mistake, or loving somebody, or...) doesn't mean I have to give away all my rights.
Just because I can find a way to justify something as helpful doesn't mean it is.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Instead of agreeing with me, or testing me with what skills I can use to deal with the guilt, my counsellor looked at me for a moment and asked me what kind of thinking I was using. As she reminded me of what I know about thinking styles/patterns and how some are helpful & others aren't, the cacaphony of thoughts in my head ran something like:
Does this mean she thinks it's an unhelpful thought pattern? Why is it unhelpful? Of course I'll feel guilty if I get annoyed - I should! If someone does something nice to or for me, I owe them. Having any negative feeling around/about that person is clearly a sign that I'm not grateful enough. It would be extremely rude of me to be ungrateful after such a lovely thing was done for me. Knowing that doing that will make me a Bad Person makes these thoughts helpful because now I know I have to banish all traces of annoyance and override them with the more appropriate response of gratitude.
"I think it's helpful thinking," I answered her, and went on to repeat my thoughts on the matter. My counsellor paused and I could feel her gaze centre on me.
"Did you know," she began, "that if what you just said to me were true, we would ALL be in trouble? Even me!" I laughed and she added some more thoughts. "You've just told me that because someone has done something nice for you, feeling annoyed would make you a bad person and that if you feel annoyed it would mean that you are not grateful. Do you recognise anything about this thinking?"
Suddenly, it hits me. This is all-or-nothing thinking!
And it's been sneaking in and camping out unnoticed in a lot of places lately.
I don't know why it is, but for some reason, this style of black&white thinking still doesn't show up on my radar. I've got better, I think, at recognising that style in general, but it continues to elude me when it pertains to interpersonal skills.
I can't seem to find a better way to end this, but it's late and I need to start finishing up for the night. See you all later for Sanguine Saturday!
Cheerleading/challenges:
This is a good step and I can build on it.
It's okay to not be perfect.
Being offered something (or given something, or making a mistake, or loving somebody, or...) doesn't mean I have to give away all my rights.
Just because I can find a way to justify something as helpful doesn't mean it is.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Another Sanguine Saturday
The weather is getting colder - actually, in truth, it has overnight gone from "mm, summer" to "dude, how did winter get here so fast?!" So not impressed, but glad that I have only 20 days of "official" winter this year!
Feeling pretty crap most of the time, mostly I feel like I'm spinning my wheels but staying in one spot all the time. It sucks a bit, but it will pass - all things do, eventually. ;)
Success Stories:
No burning.
The whole week sober.
I've been drinking water (sadly, this is almost as big an achievement as "no burning").
I've been getting lots of exercise - most days this week I've been for at least an hour's walk (but the majority have actually been an hour and a half or two hours).
Even though I didn't "want" to, I followed decent medical care for something.
I made it to two AA meetings.
I survived mother's day.
I survived my stepmother's birthday.
I texted someone from AA when I was having a rough time.
I faced down my panic and showed up to a meeting with the Acute Care team and managed to score myself a medication review.
I've been taking photographs again.
I did a bit of tidying in my room.
I faced my fear enough to reconnect with my ATODS counsellor.
I talked to my support worker about rearranging my time with her so that I could go to one of the local AA meetings.
When something happened that was sending crazy thoughts going through my head, I spoke to the person involved instead of just freaking out and pretending it hadn't happened/avoiding the whole thing.
(For someone who doesn't feel like they've achieved anything this week, there's a pretty big list there... Hmm.)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Clean stuffies!
That feeling when something you thought was going to be permanently stained comes out white as snow in a regular wash.
Knowing I finally have a proper medication review coming up.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Nothing is forever - this will pass eventually, as long as I let it.
I can survive my feelings, however uncomfortable they are.
Making assumptions about someone's motivations doesn't lead to anything but upset.
It's okay to feel what I'm feeling, I have the emotions I do for a reason.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout with Tubular Tuesday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Feeling pretty crap most of the time, mostly I feel like I'm spinning my wheels but staying in one spot all the time. It sucks a bit, but it will pass - all things do, eventually. ;)
Success Stories:
No burning.
The whole week sober.
I've been drinking water (sadly, this is almost as big an achievement as "no burning").
I've been getting lots of exercise - most days this week I've been for at least an hour's walk (but the majority have actually been an hour and a half or two hours).
Even though I didn't "want" to, I followed decent medical care for something.
I made it to two AA meetings.
I survived mother's day.
I survived my stepmother's birthday.
I texted someone from AA when I was having a rough time.
I faced down my panic and showed up to a meeting with the Acute Care team and managed to score myself a medication review.
I've been taking photographs again.
I did a bit of tidying in my room.
I faced my fear enough to reconnect with my ATODS counsellor.
I talked to my support worker about rearranging my time with her so that I could go to one of the local AA meetings.
When something happened that was sending crazy thoughts going through my head, I spoke to the person involved instead of just freaking out and pretending it hadn't happened/avoiding the whole thing.
(For someone who doesn't feel like they've achieved anything this week, there's a pretty big list there... Hmm.)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Clean stuffies!
That feeling when something you thought was going to be permanently stained comes out white as snow in a regular wash.
Knowing I finally have a proper medication review coming up.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Nothing is forever - this will pass eventually, as long as I let it.
I can survive my feelings, however uncomfortable they are.
Making assumptions about someone's motivations doesn't lead to anything but upset.
It's okay to feel what I'm feeling, I have the emotions I do for a reason.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout with Tubular Tuesday
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
I'm feeling very conflicted and very tangled up at the moment, and I'm not sure whether I 'should' be posting this... but... it is Saturday, and I need this part of my routine to stay solid.
Success Stories:
I still have not burnt.
I 'stuck it out' through one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had and I think I actually stayed involved in it, too, instead of simply withdrawing and 'acting' present.
I attempted to attend a second AA meeting.
I told my mother about my drinking.
I organised a mother's day present for myself - to have both my daughter's name and my son's name written in the sand and photographed at the To Write Their Names In The Sand blog. (Lyssi's is up but Myki's is not yet. I was going to link them but since they include surnames, I'm not comfortable doing that here.)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Books.
That people care enough about me to be honest even when it hurts.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can't change the past but I can do what I can to make amends and make the future different.
Even good people mess up sometimes.
I can survive all of my feelings, even if the experience is very uncomfortable.
Think, don't react. (Stolen but helpful.)
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positivity for a Monday
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Borderline Lil of Bowling With Borderline Lil with how many times could you have blown a kiss...
**I just realised I missed one! Sorry Sonya.
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things: Boundaries Edition
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I still have not burnt.
I 'stuck it out' through one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had and I think I actually stayed involved in it, too, instead of simply withdrawing and 'acting' present.
I attempted to attend a second AA meeting.
I told my mother about my drinking.
I organised a mother's day present for myself - to have both my daughter's name and my son's name written in the sand and photographed at the To Write Their Names In The Sand blog. (Lyssi's is up but Myki's is not yet. I was going to link them but since they include surnames, I'm not comfortable doing that here.)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Books.
That people care enough about me to be honest even when it hurts.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I can't change the past but I can do what I can to make amends and make the future different.
Even good people mess up sometimes.
I can survive all of my feelings, even if the experience is very uncomfortable.
Think, don't react. (Stolen but helpful.)
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positivity for a Monday
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
D'Arty of Living In Iowa with Auspicious Weekly Reflections
Borderline Lil of Bowling With Borderline Lil with how many times could you have blown a kiss...
**I just realised I missed one! Sorry Sonya.
Sonya of My Verse with Great Things: Boundaries Edition
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Ten Things
It's taken all day, but this was so worth doing. On a forum I'm part of someone came up with the idea of putting together a list of ten things about ourselves that have nothing to do with our SA. I've taken it on board, and extended it to be 10 things not linked to my SA or the rest of the stuff in my past OR my mental illnesses. And, of course, in keeping with DD's theme, I've tried to keep them positive focused.
1. I love to wear odd socks, but I only like it if they are the same size & style and match in some way (eg, same pattern but different colours). This isn't because I want to stand out, or make a fashion statement, it's because I like variety and I enjoy wearing a coordinated rainbow.
2. Until I was in my early 20s I had never seen a giraffe (except in books/on TV). Seeing my first one made me fall so completely in love with them as a species that they are now my favourite animal beyond a doubt.
3. I love good poetry, it's like a warm sleeping bag I just want to climb inside and breathe in.
4. My higher power is love because I believe it's part of everything.
5. I like to use my imagination to create things, I have a strong streak of creativity that influences most things I do, and one of the ways I use it most is in crafts. I am not overly fussy about my medium but usually play at scrapbooking, card making, jewellery or the making of dream catchers.
6. I am a qualified childcare worker and I did that for five years before I had to leave the industry for a while. Despite everything, it was one of the best parts of my life and I hope to work with children again some day.
7. I have a very active sense of humour and I laugh a lot, generally even (perhaps even especially) when I'm having a hard time.
8. I love fantasy. I might be a grown up but I still believe in magic and faeries and I believe that even though they may not exist now, other so-called fantasy beings probably existed in some form.
9. I love deeply and well, with a lot of loyalty.
10. I like to look at things in a way that's a little out of the ordinary, and I like sharing that with people in the form of poetry or photography. I love taking photographs of unusual angles so much that I am willing to lie down under a bus seat in order to capture the beauty of a piece of broken glass glinting in the sun.
That was a lot harder than I expected, but I'm glad I did it. What are your ten things?
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
1. I love to wear odd socks, but I only like it if they are the same size & style and match in some way (eg, same pattern but different colours). This isn't because I want to stand out, or make a fashion statement, it's because I like variety and I enjoy wearing a coordinated rainbow.
2. Until I was in my early 20s I had never seen a giraffe (except in books/on TV). Seeing my first one made me fall so completely in love with them as a species that they are now my favourite animal beyond a doubt.
3. I love good poetry, it's like a warm sleeping bag I just want to climb inside and breathe in.
4. My higher power is love because I believe it's part of everything.
5. I like to use my imagination to create things, I have a strong streak of creativity that influences most things I do, and one of the ways I use it most is in crafts. I am not overly fussy about my medium but usually play at scrapbooking, card making, jewellery or the making of dream catchers.
6. I am a qualified childcare worker and I did that for five years before I had to leave the industry for a while. Despite everything, it was one of the best parts of my life and I hope to work with children again some day.
7. I have a very active sense of humour and I laugh a lot, generally even (perhaps even especially) when I'm having a hard time.
8. I love fantasy. I might be a grown up but I still believe in magic and faeries and I believe that even though they may not exist now, other so-called fantasy beings probably existed in some form.
9. I love deeply and well, with a lot of loyalty.
10. I like to look at things in a way that's a little out of the ordinary, and I like sharing that with people in the form of poetry or photography. I love taking photographs of unusual angles so much that I am willing to lie down under a bus seat in order to capture the beauty of a piece of broken glass glinting in the sun.
That was a lot harder than I expected, but I'm glad I did it. What are your ten things?
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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