Why "White Lies" Aren't/Balancing Honesty & Protection Of Feelings

I used to be diplomatic, tactful, considerate. I would like to say I'm still those things, but it's become more important than ever before to me to be, above all else, honest. Now, don't get me wrong. Honesty has always been important to me - I just never before understood how damaging a 'white lie' could be.

Today I was asked if I considered a particular person a friend. Now, I don't know this person well. We do not have heart-to-heart conversations. I don't know what makes her tick any more than she knows what makes me tick. I do not know her favourite colour, what sort of food she likes to eat, or how she feels about ice cream. I do not know that when I am hurting, I can go to her and ask for comfort, or seek laughter or advice that is given knowing my situation and with my best interests at heart. She has never given me any indication to make me believe that she would consider me a friend.

In all honesty, I don't know her well enough to count her as a friend, and so I considered my options before replying. In the past, I would have immediately responded "of course you're my friend" so that I didn't hurt their feelings, and I'm sure there are people out there thinking that that is exactly what I should have said now, too. I didn't. I gave it thought and eventually I went with what amounted to "I don't know you well enough to consider you a friend, but you are someone I am interested in getting to know further".

I didn't feel that it was too horrible a thing to say, but it lead to an amount of uproar. I'm still confused. I recognise that there is a balance between being honest and being hurtful, but I cannot for the life of me seem to find it. Contrary to what seems to be public opinion of me these days, I have no desire to hurt anyone.

In fact, not wanting to hurt others is part of the reason honesty is so important to me at the moment. As I journey into my own recovery, I am beginning to recognise all the ways "white lies" have damaged my relationships and my self, and most specifically, my ability to trust -- not just you, but my ability to trust myself.

If I dress in a skirt that looks hideous on me and I ask you what you think, chances are that I suspect it may not be the most flattering piece of clothing I've ever tried. If you go on to tell me it looks fabulous, I learn to doubt my "intuition" that the skirt doesn't look good. Later, someone else may tell me how hideous it looks, and that opens the door to doubting your motives, your friendship, whether I should trust you in future. And even if I decide not to trust you in future, that initial seed of doubt in myself will still be there.

Trust is incredibly important to me. It's not something I've ever been able to have much control over in the past, but I'm learning. And one of the things I've learned about myself is that my ability to trust is tempered by the amount of times someone's lied to me.

White lies are damaging because they are lies and lies are an abuse of trust.

So, my purpose in writing this is twofold. One, to remind myself of why honesty is so important to me, and two, to ask how you balance honesty and protection of other peoples' feelings. Is there a line? I don't need you to agree with my P.O.V., but if you're going to offer criticism I do ask that you be constructive. "I think your way is hurtful. Next time you could try x" is helpful, "your way is mean" is not. I want very much to figure this out, for years I have prided myself on my interpersonal skills (despite my seeming inability to keep friends) and this struggle to find balance and keep people happy now that I'm actually expressing some apparently unpopular opinions is very upsetting to me.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday This Week

Welcome to another Sanguine Saturday, my friends.


Success Stories:
I have been practicing eating on cam so that part of my trip is more manageable when I go.
I faced my fear and went back to my GP.
I didn't fall apart saying goodbye to Erica.
I learned how to knit and purl and accepted that I'm not actually much good at it. (This is a positive thing because I believe it's important to enjoy things that I'm not necessarily good at as well as things that I am okay at.)



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Music.
Stuffies.
Friends.
Music.
Books.
QI.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's okay to not be perfect, to make mistakes and get it wrong sometimes.
Just because someone is angry or upset with me doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
I deserve to have people do and say nice things to me. It's okay to accept compliments when they are given.





Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. And, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive: Weekend Positivity
River of My Verse: Great Things


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday Is Here Again

Happy Saturday everybody! I'm staying with some friends of mine who I don't spend nearly enough time with these days, and we're having a really good time.


Last week it was put to me that every week I manage to minimise or mitigate my own successes and cheer-leading statements. After having a look through, and a discussion with the person who made the observation, I can see ways I have done so and am going to try extra hard this week to not do that. After all, mitigating my own successes is completely the opposite of my goal in posting them!

That said, it was mentioned that some of my cheerleading statements are/seem less 'effective' than stronger ones (such as "I am very intelligent" or "I am a strong, capable woman" and this is something that has been mentioned a few times, so I thought I would take the opportunity to explain a little further why I do it this way.

The best example I can think of to use here is "I am not a bad person". I know that it is considered 'better' to avoid the use of "I am not" in favour of "I am a good person", which is a strongly positive statement. However, I find it such a struggle to use even the half way measure that attempting to use the full measure actually sends me backwards. It's about taking baby steps when you need to -- I can't eat this cake in one single bite.



Success Stories:
I haven't burned myself in 9 weeks.
I've been working towards some of my creative goals.
I am attempting to learn how to knit.
I am practising the skills I need to use to overcome some of my social anxiety type problems.
I have been working on decision making.
I asked some friends for favours!
I was able to go for a walk with my music a couple of times this week and I found some real peace in that.
I managed to put off drinking for three hours this morning.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Spending time with friends.
Fun games where I get to kill things! (My friend showed me Dungeon Siege this weekend and I went around exploding chickens and deer with fireballs and throwing dishes at the monsters.)
Giraffes.
Being so completely and absolutely pants at knitting that the friend who is attempting to teach me, and I, couldn't stop laughing.
Poetry.
Michele is back!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It really is okay to ask for things I want.
It's okay to be sad about someone leaving my life in whatever capacity.
It's not really very likely that my friends are judging me, even if it feels like it is!




Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. And, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Jennifer of Magnificasti Mirabilia: created
Sairs of This Lunatic Express: Positives for Friday


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Sunday Strikes Again

Had to take yesterday to recover from Friday, heh. One of my support people (my primary support person at the moment, really - the only one who I have consistently managed to stay in contact with since seeing my father) has accepted a new job.

Anyway, it's still the weekend, so posting today counts as on track enough for me. ;)



Success Stories:
It may not be much since it's only a single form of SI, but at least I can say that I haven't burnt since my birthday.
I reached out when I was doing particularly badly.
I did some more work on a creative goal.
I allowed myself a space to allow criticism without being bowled over by it.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Music.
Books.
Skype.
Friends.
Stuffies.
Knowing that my writing is appreciated.
Giraffes.
QI.
Sudoku.



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I don't have to be perfect to be cared about.
This is not a personal rejection, it says nothing about me.
This is an opportunity to practice patience and acceptance of myself, as well as the chance to develop my observe-describe-nonjudgement skills.
Comparison with others will only tell me who I am not - it will not help me know who I am.



Shoot me the link if you post up any version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format, as long as it's positive-focused!) and don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Jennifer of Magnificasti Mirabilia: created/on my needles -- the sweater obsession edition
Sairs of This Lunatic Express: Positives
Lua of Almost Positive: Weekend Positivity
River of My Verse: Great Things: Things That Amuse Me Edition



And before I go today, I'm going to leave you all with a quote from Albert Einstein that I found earlier this week, which fits with my "I'm not stupid" theme of the last few weeks.
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday Back On Track

Phew, I've enjoyed having my real internet back this week, let me tell you!



Success Stories:
I did some work toward achieving a new creative goal I have for myself.
I am starting to face my issues with dressing up/wearing skirts again.
I was honest at my appointment (even though it didn't do me any good).
I addressed something that was bothering me, and I did it in a way that I think was respectful but clear and assertive.
I made a phone call I'd been dreading and was honest in my answers to the person.
I made plans to spend a couple of days with a dear friend who lives some distance away (about three hours on the train).
I organised with my brother to spend some time with my nieces and nephew while they're visiting him over Easter.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Skype.
Giraffes.
Making slightly more solid UK plans.
Books.
Music.




Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
My value is not determined by what anyone else thinks of me.
It's okay to stand up for myself.
I don't have to be perfect to be liked/loved.
I am not my family!
One hour, one minute, one second at a time... I can do this!



Shoot me the link if you post up any version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format, as long as it's positive-focused!) and don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Jennifer of Magnificasti Mirabilia: created
Sairs of This Lunatic Express: Post 800 - Positivity
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout: Tubular Thursday
Lua of Almost Positive: Positives Post



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Following Up From Turbulent Waters

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about what happened when my GP and I tried to get me back into the mental health clinic here. I received some supportive responses (both here and elsewhere) and I received one comment that has been on my mind.

I thought about replying to this on the original post, but most of what I have to say feels appropriate as its own post. I won't lie and say I didn't have an emotional reaction to the comment - in truth, I had an extremely strong one. I felt rejected, dismissed and invalidated; my knee-jerk reaction was to quit and never write here again. Obviously I've chosen not to take that path, but then I had other paths I could take. Should I let the comment stand? Should I treat it as gospel and take it to heart or should I dismiss it entirely?

After a couple of weeks reflecting, I decided to do neither. It's important that I don't simply take on board whatever anyone says about me - but it's equally important to me that I'm open to criticism and don't deny something simply because I don't like hearing it. So I reflected; I thought about what was said, and about the beliefs I have around the statements used, and I read my own post through several times.


So, in response to,

"Anonymous said...

You have to see it from their point of view - if after all that help you're still not much better, why would they invest more time and money in you? They've already invested a lot in you and it didn't do a whole lot, so they are now giving other people a chance. Don't go playing the victim."


I would like to start by saying that I don't believe, in this situation, I am "playing the victim". That term, to me, is about not making use of the power that you have. I am, in actual fact, powerless over what decisions the Mental Health clinic makes about my care once my part is done. Their decision was not in my power - what was/is in my power is my reaction. That, I accept responsibility for entirely -- what I choose to do with and about their decision is in my power (within my own limitations) and nothing to do with Mental Health.

However, that "within my own limitations" is important. It's not an excuse to say "to Hell with it" and give up - but it is important for me to remember that I deserve to give myself leniency for things I legitimately cannot help. Everyone has limitations and nobody is perfect. One of my limitations is that DBT was not enough to stop my self harm.

Whether "anonymous" intended it or not, the implication behind the comment was that because, after investing so much time and effort into me (I assume through my course of DBT), I was not better "enough", I do not deserve further treatment. In my view, this is wrong. Everyone deserves health care. Everyone.

If we apply this logic to physical health concerns, it becomes much more clear. If a skin graft operation is unsuccessful for whatever reason, the surgeon does not simply cross the patient off and move on. He or she sits down and thinks about what to do next - and then puts the options into place. Sometimes this means that the procedure is repeated. Sometimes it means that alternatives are explored. If a surgeon simply threw up his hands and refused further treatment because the patient was not "better enough" there would be an outcry.

Why 'would' (or 'should'!) they invest more time/effort/money in my health? Because they haven't tried everything. Because there are avenues that have not yet been explored. Because DBT is not, and was never intended to be, a one-size-fits-all cure. The fact that DBT has not helped me "enough" doesn't mean I am not trying, it doesn't mean that I am beyond help, and it should not stop me, or anyone else, from receiving further treatment.


And yet... this is what is happening in the mental health industry, especially when dealing with those with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't mean just locally to me, either, this is happening all over the world. Mental health problems are just as valid as physical health problems, and there should not be barriers to receiving treatment and care based on the fact that you are not "well enough" after completing a particular treatment.


There were two other things I'd like to address from that comment.

First, I'd like to dispute that DBT didn't "do a whole lot" -- I think most people who know me well have seen massive changes in me since DBT. Not curing me is not the same as not doing much.

Second, I'd like to say to everyone that although I have allowed anonymous comments so that those without an account can still comment, I would very much appreciate knowing who leaves comments. As long as things are kept respectful, I don't mind people having opinions that differ from mine, and I'm okay with being called out on things... but I don't think that doing so anonymously is generally respectful. In my opinion, if you don't believe in your opinion enough to stand by it as yourself, then you don't believe in it enough to say it with good intentions.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Another Late Sanguine Saturday

Hello friends! Well, this week's Sanguine Saturday post hasn't been delayed due to forgetfulness or stubbornness or anything like that; we have an internet cap that I managed to hit 6 days before the end of the month. Unfortunately I couldn't get my internet to work well enough to check up all of your examples of Sanguine Saturday so I could write this post!

No worries, though, the first of the month means a reset to proper speeds and decent surfing. And this month I'll try not to go over quota until the last day or so. ;)



Success Stories:
I've continued to handle what responsibilities I have to handle.
I went to my hospital appointment.
I found ways to occupy my time that didn't involve the internet.
I chose to try and look in a more healthy way at some difficult comments and criticisms I received.
I've been trying to not put myself down as "stupid".
I went to a concert all by myself for the first time ever (and only my third ever concert). I put my foot down against my mother's wishes about it and I didn't make myself feel guilty about it all. And I mostly had a great time.



Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Thinking about visiting the UK.
Skype.
Believing I looked good at my concert.
Seeing The Whitlams in concert again.
Writing.
Getting my cheque!



Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Just because someone says something doesn't make it fact. Even if six people say it, it still doesn't make it fact.
It's okay to sometimes think I look good.
Not everything is my fault and I am not responsible for how someone else thinks or feels.
I don't have to be perfect to have value.
Just because things aren't the way I might want them to be doesn't mean that the way they are is no good at all.



Shoot me the link if you post up any version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format, as long as it's positive-focused!) and don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Jennifer of Magnificasti Mirabilia: created
Sairs of This Lunatic Express: To Remind Myself
Morningmoon of I am *THAT* crazy: Tuesday's Child
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout: Tubular Tuesday


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.