I've been enjoying beautiful Noosa since Wednesday, so please forgive the very lateness of this 'Sanguine' post! I hope you'll also forgive my not following along on blogs very well lately.
Success Stories:
Spending some time honouring my daughter, and not actually going completely loopy on her anniversary (even if it was kinda close).
I faced my fear and did a few very scary things; including (but not limited to!) dealing with groups of strangers, meeting my English friend who has been in Australia for a few months now, eating in front of someone in my "scary to eat in front of" group, and not entirely bowing down to my mother's wishes. Almost all of them worked out well for me (and all of the ones I listed worked out very well).
I practised a form of photography I'm not very good at -- holiday snapshots!
I haven't burnt in I'm not sure how long (at least 5 or 6 weeks?), I have no current stitches, and I haven't had a drink since last Monday night.
I made really good attempts to not get sunburnt over my graft sites.
I made a decision about lunch today!
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Meeting Kate!
Noosa.
Photography.
Giraffes.
Above and beyond service! (If anyone's interested, I definitely recommend staying at Chillout Noosa, run by Nic in Noosaville.)
Cheer-leading statements:
I am not a bad person.
Whatever I feel is okay.
No, really. I am not a bad person.
The best way to honour my little girl is to get on with my life. It's not disrespectful to live.
It's okay to put myself first sometimes.
Alright, I admit it, I stole these from Tuesday's post - I'm just so tired and I need to go to bed as I have a very early start tomorrow. That's okay, they're still relevant.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Five Years Ago (Lyssi's Anniversary)
Tomorrow marks the fifth anniversary of the loss of my daughter. I was 22 years old and after a year of trying to conceive, we'd finally managed it.
Her father was less than impressed, but I was over the moon. I had so many hopes and plans for this baby, but because her father wasn't so keen, we hadn't discussed names yet. I lost her at about 8 weeks gestation, and some time much later I chose her name based on some of the few discussions we had had.
I'd always wanted my children to have unique names - my birth name was so common that I actually knew another girl at the same school as me whose name was *exactly* the same... right down to middle name! It bothered me a lot, and I vowed that my children wouldn't be in that situation. My husband, unfortunately, had a rather common surname as well, and wanted to name our first daughter after our grandmothers.
That wouldn't have been a problem, except his grandmother was Emily Elizabeth and mine was Amy Rose! I had always loved Rose, but my brother's wife had used that in my niece's name a few years before, so it was automatically disincluded from my list of possibles, leaving Emily, Elizabeth and Amy.. all far too popular to go with a common surname!
By this stage, my husband and I had separated (in fact, we separated about a week after I miscarried the baby), so I wasn't in a position to get his input, but I still wanted to honour him somehow within our daughter's name. Playing with the names one day, I came up with the perfect mesh of his grandmother and mine. That left her middle name, and that one was easy.
Without ceremony, on a day I don't even remember, I announced her name. Elyssami Faith.
Always, when it comes to November, my heart breaks with the ache of not having her. Spending time with my nephew, whose mother joyfully announced her pregnancy at the same event I tearfully whispered of my miscarriage and my marriage breakdown, becomes almost impossible and yet is craved beyond all things. I find myself thinking of all the things I wanted to have with her, for her, and wondering who she might have been. I know I need to let her go, but I'm still not sure if I'm ready yet.
'Lyssi, I love you, my little butterfly, my beautiful girl. I will always love you. I will never forget the little life I carried - your little life. I will do my best to honour you, today, tomorrow, and every day, until I can hold you again.
Cheer-leading / Challenge Statements:
It's okay to grieve for her. It's okay to be sad about the things I wanted for her.
It's okay to spend time doing things other than focusing on her for the entire day, too.
Falling in a heap and being an emotional wreck doesn't honour her. Living well, finding happiness, overcoming, THAT honours her.
Fighting my feelings will only make them stronger and lead to them lasting longer.
Letting go and forgetting are two very different things. (Thanks Ghost Whisperer!)
Tomorrow Erica and I are going to do something together to honour my little girl. Ideally, I want to spend some time doing something that I would have done with four year old 'Lyssi, were she here, and I'd love your suggestions! Even if it's too late to do them this year, we could always try for next year.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Her father was less than impressed, but I was over the moon. I had so many hopes and plans for this baby, but because her father wasn't so keen, we hadn't discussed names yet. I lost her at about 8 weeks gestation, and some time much later I chose her name based on some of the few discussions we had had.
I'd always wanted my children to have unique names - my birth name was so common that I actually knew another girl at the same school as me whose name was *exactly* the same... right down to middle name! It bothered me a lot, and I vowed that my children wouldn't be in that situation. My husband, unfortunately, had a rather common surname as well, and wanted to name our first daughter after our grandmothers.
That wouldn't have been a problem, except his grandmother was Emily Elizabeth and mine was Amy Rose! I had always loved Rose, but my brother's wife had used that in my niece's name a few years before, so it was automatically disincluded from my list of possibles, leaving Emily, Elizabeth and Amy.. all far too popular to go with a common surname!
By this stage, my husband and I had separated (in fact, we separated about a week after I miscarried the baby), so I wasn't in a position to get his input, but I still wanted to honour him somehow within our daughter's name. Playing with the names one day, I came up with the perfect mesh of his grandmother and mine. That left her middle name, and that one was easy.
Without ceremony, on a day I don't even remember, I announced her name. Elyssami Faith.
Always, when it comes to November, my heart breaks with the ache of not having her. Spending time with my nephew, whose mother joyfully announced her pregnancy at the same event I tearfully whispered of my miscarriage and my marriage breakdown, becomes almost impossible and yet is craved beyond all things. I find myself thinking of all the things I wanted to have with her, for her, and wondering who she might have been. I know I need to let her go, but I'm still not sure if I'm ready yet.
'Lyssi, I love you, my little butterfly, my beautiful girl. I will always love you. I will never forget the little life I carried - your little life. I will do my best to honour you, today, tomorrow, and every day, until I can hold you again.
Cheer-leading / Challenge Statements:
It's okay to grieve for her. It's okay to be sad about the things I wanted for her.
It's okay to spend time doing things other than focusing on her for the entire day, too.
Falling in a heap and being an emotional wreck doesn't honour her. Living well, finding happiness, overcoming, THAT honours her.
Fighting my feelings will only make them stronger and lead to them lasting longer.
Letting go and forgetting are two very different things. (Thanks Ghost Whisperer!)
Tomorrow Erica and I are going to do something together to honour my little girl. Ideally, I want to spend some time doing something that I would have done with four year old 'Lyssi, were she here, and I'd love your suggestions! Even if it's too late to do them this year, we could always try for next year.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Up Late Sanguine Saturday
Oops. Time got away from me.
Success Stories:
Made it through some tough days.
Told Erica something that was really hard to share.
Have been trying really hard to put myself first and not let outside things get in the way of that.
Made some decisions to not have certain conversations on days that I wasn't really capable of interacting appropriately.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Knowing I get to meet my Kate really soon.
Giraffes.
Friends with wise words, friends with comforting presence, friends who just are.
Great TV shows on DVD.
Photography.
Cheer-leading statements:
I am not a bad person.
Whatever I feel is okay.
No, really. I am not a bad person.
The best way to honour my little girl is to get on with my life. It's not disrespectful to live.
It's okay to put myself first sometimes.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
Made it through some tough days.
Told Erica something that was really hard to share.
Have been trying really hard to put myself first and not let outside things get in the way of that.
Made some decisions to not have certain conversations on days that I wasn't really capable of interacting appropriately.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Knowing I get to meet my Kate really soon.
Giraffes.
Friends with wise words, friends with comforting presence, friends who just are.
Great TV shows on DVD.
Photography.
Cheer-leading statements:
I am not a bad person.
Whatever I feel is okay.
No, really. I am not a bad person.
The best way to honour my little girl is to get on with my life. It's not disrespectful to live.
It's okay to put myself first sometimes.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Today Is Sanguine Saturday!
Today I'm going to start my day with this.
Success Stories:
I was able to take some time for myself when my brother brought the kids over. I love spending time with them, but sometimes I do need breaks, especially at this time of year.
Managed to actually make it to three of my four appointments this week.
Cancelled the write-in I was supposed to enter so that I could stay home and look after myself because I woke up ill, instead of pushing myself to go and having the stress make me sicker.
Negotiated and made future plans with a friend.
Have been still trying with my NaNo story, even though I am quite far behind where I should be.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Generally, giraffes.
My nieces and nephew.
Christmas carols.
Stuffies.
Kittens riding tortoises.
Music.
And my top thing for this week (turn your sound up):
Cheer-leading statements:
I'm doing the best I can.
It's okay to grieve.
I don't have to buy into my thoughts. I can acknowledge them, thank my mind, and let the thoughts go past.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I was able to take some time for myself when my brother brought the kids over. I love spending time with them, but sometimes I do need breaks, especially at this time of year.
Managed to actually make it to three of my four appointments this week.
Cancelled the write-in I was supposed to enter so that I could stay home and look after myself because I woke up ill, instead of pushing myself to go and having the stress make me sicker.
Negotiated and made future plans with a friend.
Have been still trying with my NaNo story, even though I am quite far behind where I should be.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Generally, giraffes.
My nieces and nephew.
Christmas carols.
Stuffies.
Kittens riding tortoises.
Music.
And my top thing for this week (turn your sound up):
Cheer-leading statements:
I'm doing the best I can.
It's okay to grieve.
I don't have to buy into my thoughts. I can acknowledge them, thank my mind, and let the thoughts go past.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Another Sanguine Sunday
I don't know why I didn't write/post this yesterday. I guess I just got caught up in my NaNo writing.
Success Stories:
I'm still here. I'm still alive, I'm still fighting.
Rhi and I went along to the Brisbane NaNoWriMo Kick Off Party. It was great!
Went along to Karakan's Melbourne Cup thing, even though Erica wouldn't be there.
Even though I desperately wanted to burn after talking to my father, I didn't. I also didn't overdose (even though I really wanted to).
Even though I had a drinking binge, I contained it - it wasn't a binge followed by "screw it, I'll keep going...", it was one night of drinking that ended after six drinks.
I kept my appointment with Michele even though I really just wanted to hide away.
Instead of going straight home (bad idea), I made the choice to go to CASV afterwards. I even got to talk briefly to my ex-counsellor there, who left a message for Carol to give me a call (she did).
Even though things have been hard, I've been able to stay fairly on track (word count) with my novel for NaNoWriMo.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Giraffes.
Friends with wise words, friends with comforting presence, friends who just are.
Melbourne Cup.
Music.
Cheer-leading statements:
In a choice between a rock and a hard place, I am doing the best I can to make the best possible decision. Sometimes that decision looks or feels horrible; sometimes that decision is horrible; and sometimes I get it wrong. That's okay.
I don't have to buy into my thoughts. I can acknowledge them, thank my mind, and let the thoughts go past.
I'm doing the best I can.
Not burning doesn't mean I'm not hurting, it just means I'm choosing a different path for myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I'm still here. I'm still alive, I'm still fighting.
Rhi and I went along to the Brisbane NaNoWriMo Kick Off Party. It was great!
Went along to Karakan's Melbourne Cup thing, even though Erica wouldn't be there.
Even though I desperately wanted to burn after talking to my father, I didn't. I also didn't overdose (even though I really wanted to).
Even though I had a drinking binge, I contained it - it wasn't a binge followed by "screw it, I'll keep going...", it was one night of drinking that ended after six drinks.
I kept my appointment with Michele even though I really just wanted to hide away.
Instead of going straight home (bad idea), I made the choice to go to CASV afterwards. I even got to talk briefly to my ex-counsellor there, who left a message for Carol to give me a call (she did).
Even though things have been hard, I've been able to stay fairly on track (word count) with my novel for NaNoWriMo.
Gratitudes/things that make me happy:
Giraffes.
Friends with wise words, friends with comforting presence, friends who just are.
Melbourne Cup.
Music.
Cheer-leading statements:
In a choice between a rock and a hard place, I am doing the best I can to make the best possible decision. Sometimes that decision looks or feels horrible; sometimes that decision is horrible; and sometimes I get it wrong. That's okay.
I don't have to buy into my thoughts. I can acknowledge them, thank my mind, and let the thoughts go past.
I'm doing the best I can.
Not burning doesn't mean I'm not hurting, it just means I'm choosing a different path for myself.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Situation Coathanger (WARNING: SA)
WARNING: This post talks about sexual assault.
Once there was a little girl with a mummy, a daddy and two brothers. From the time she was born, her daddy loved her very much, and paid her more attention than he ever paid her brothers. Her mummy didn't like that very much, so to make up for it, she spent more time with her two sons. When the little girl's daddy started to be inappropriate, her mummy didn't notice. Eventually, the mummy got tired of the daddy never paying attention to anyone but his little girl, so she got a divorce from him. Every second weekend and a share of the holidays, the mummy sent all the children to spend time with their daddy; and later, with their daddy and his new wife. When the children visited their daddy and stepmother, they were usually not treated very nicely, not even the little girl, and the whole time, the daddy was inappropriate with the little girl, and so was her new stepmother.
When she was 12, her mummy kicked her out and sent her away to live with her daddy. After two years, her daddy didn't want her anymore either and he sent her back to her mummy's house. For the next few years, when she went with her brothers to visit her father and her stepmother, he wasn't inappropriate in that way anymore. When the girl got old enough, she moved back out of her mother's house and got married. That didn't go very well for her, either, but her father and stepmother knew they couldn't touch her while she was married. When the girl's husband wanted a divorce, she found a new boyfriend to keep her safe, but when that ended, she had to move back in with her mother.
The little girl's mother wanted to prove that she was a good mother, so even though the girl was now a woman, she had to call her father on special days and wish him nice ones, because if she didn't, her mother might kick her out again, and this time she didn't have anywhere to go...
I am 27 years old, and even though I have tried to cut contact with them; if my father and stepmother want to contact me, all they have to do is ring my home number, and I am bullied and/or tricked into talking to them. I am 27 years old, and whenever I am bullied into seeing my father, he still assaults me.
I am working on getting out of here. I have been on the housing list for a year, as the highest priority. I am in the process of moving interstate so that I can be and feel safe. But in the meantime...
In the meantime, my younger brother came down to my bedroom on Wednesday night, and asked me whether I was doing anything on January 8. I didn't even look up from what I was doing, I told him I wasn't sure but presumably I had no plans. As he said, "good, then you're going to Dad's", I looked up and saw the phone in his hand. My father had to have heard everything. My brother walked away, triumphant.
Ten minutes later, he returned and handed me the phone because my father wanted to talk to me, too.
There is no such thing as safety in this house, not for me. He can get me anywhere. He can come after me at any time, and my family will just hand me over.
This is always a difficult month for me, for unrelated reasons, but right now I am a mess. I am in the process of trying to quit alcohol as a coping/destruction mechanism; I am trying to organise things for this move; I'm in the process of reporting the assault when I was 15; I am trying to fix the friendships that fell apart when I came back from a holiday three months ago; there's a few other things going on that I'm not able to talk about right now; and I am trying to deal with everything that November means for me... and now this.
I want to say that I can't do this, that I don't have what it takes to live through this, but I know that if I choose to, I can and I will. I'm struggling, though, to want to choose to. Until I can get out of here, this is what my life will always be. And that's hard to know.
I know I am walking into a situation where I am going to be assaulted. I know that as much as I have been trapped into it, that doesn't stop it being a choice. And that means that I am, by definition, choosing to be assaulted. And that's where it gets too hard. Because I do not want it, but I am choosing it. And if I am choosing it, I deserve it. If I am choosing it, when it happens, it will be my own fault. It would be different if I didn't know, if I thought there was even a chance I would be safe, but all of my precautions come to nothing, every time. And I still go. I do have reasons for why I make the choice I make, but I cannot shake the belief, the knowledge, that this is my own fault.
This coat hanger binds me too tightly, I can no longer breathe. I wanted to challenge these thoughts, but I don't know how.
If anyone out there has any suggestions, they would very much be gratefully appreciated right now.
Cheerleading/Challenge Statements:
It's okay to do things to look after myself. It's okay to be a little bit gentle with me right now.
Even if it feels like the rest of my life will be like this, it won't be. Eventually something will change.
*Explanation on title: Carol and I were discussing this sort of situation after my call to dad for Father's Day. When she asked me to give the situation and the feelings associated with it, a shape, it was very clearly a coat hanger.
Once there was a little girl with a mummy, a daddy and two brothers. From the time she was born, her daddy loved her very much, and paid her more attention than he ever paid her brothers. Her mummy didn't like that very much, so to make up for it, she spent more time with her two sons. When the little girl's daddy started to be inappropriate, her mummy didn't notice. Eventually, the mummy got tired of the daddy never paying attention to anyone but his little girl, so she got a divorce from him. Every second weekend and a share of the holidays, the mummy sent all the children to spend time with their daddy; and later, with their daddy and his new wife. When the children visited their daddy and stepmother, they were usually not treated very nicely, not even the little girl, and the whole time, the daddy was inappropriate with the little girl, and so was her new stepmother.
When she was 12, her mummy kicked her out and sent her away to live with her daddy. After two years, her daddy didn't want her anymore either and he sent her back to her mummy's house. For the next few years, when she went with her brothers to visit her father and her stepmother, he wasn't inappropriate in that way anymore. When the girl got old enough, she moved back out of her mother's house and got married. That didn't go very well for her, either, but her father and stepmother knew they couldn't touch her while she was married. When the girl's husband wanted a divorce, she found a new boyfriend to keep her safe, but when that ended, she had to move back in with her mother.
The little girl's mother wanted to prove that she was a good mother, so even though the girl was now a woman, she had to call her father on special days and wish him nice ones, because if she didn't, her mother might kick her out again, and this time she didn't have anywhere to go...
I am 27 years old, and even though I have tried to cut contact with them; if my father and stepmother want to contact me, all they have to do is ring my home number, and I am bullied and/or tricked into talking to them. I am 27 years old, and whenever I am bullied into seeing my father, he still assaults me.
I am working on getting out of here. I have been on the housing list for a year, as the highest priority. I am in the process of moving interstate so that I can be and feel safe. But in the meantime...
In the meantime, my younger brother came down to my bedroom on Wednesday night, and asked me whether I was doing anything on January 8. I didn't even look up from what I was doing, I told him I wasn't sure but presumably I had no plans. As he said, "good, then you're going to Dad's", I looked up and saw the phone in his hand. My father had to have heard everything. My brother walked away, triumphant.
Ten minutes later, he returned and handed me the phone because my father wanted to talk to me, too.
There is no such thing as safety in this house, not for me. He can get me anywhere. He can come after me at any time, and my family will just hand me over.
This is always a difficult month for me, for unrelated reasons, but right now I am a mess. I am in the process of trying to quit alcohol as a coping/destruction mechanism; I am trying to organise things for this move; I'm in the process of reporting the assault when I was 15; I am trying to fix the friendships that fell apart when I came back from a holiday three months ago; there's a few other things going on that I'm not able to talk about right now; and I am trying to deal with everything that November means for me... and now this.
I want to say that I can't do this, that I don't have what it takes to live through this, but I know that if I choose to, I can and I will. I'm struggling, though, to want to choose to. Until I can get out of here, this is what my life will always be. And that's hard to know.
I know I am walking into a situation where I am going to be assaulted. I know that as much as I have been trapped into it, that doesn't stop it being a choice. And that means that I am, by definition, choosing to be assaulted. And that's where it gets too hard. Because I do not want it, but I am choosing it. And if I am choosing it, I deserve it. If I am choosing it, when it happens, it will be my own fault. It would be different if I didn't know, if I thought there was even a chance I would be safe, but all of my precautions come to nothing, every time. And I still go. I do have reasons for why I make the choice I make, but I cannot shake the belief, the knowledge, that this is my own fault.
This coat hanger binds me too tightly, I can no longer breathe. I wanted to challenge these thoughts, but I don't know how.
If anyone out there has any suggestions, they would very much be gratefully appreciated right now.
Cheerleading/Challenge Statements:
It's okay to do things to look after myself. It's okay to be a little bit gentle with me right now.
Even if it feels like the rest of my life will be like this, it won't be. Eventually something will change.
*Explanation on title: Carol and I were discussing this sort of situation after my call to dad for Father's Day. When she asked me to give the situation and the feelings associated with it, a shape, it was very clearly a coat hanger.
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