Returning To Sanguine Saturday

So apparently I'm not going to post about what's going on before I do this, so I'm just going to do this. I've missed two? three? weeks now in a row, and that's not good.



Success Stories:
I asked for (and got) an increased dose in my medication when it stopped being effective.

When an acquaintance online made a comment that was incredibly unfair and (I feel) unacceptable, I was able to use my skills to handle both the discussion and my distress in an appropriate manner. I also referred the matter on to get the opinion of appropriate afterwards about what to do if a similar situation ever reoccurs.

I am beginning the process of recognition, labelling and acceptance that my mother is abusive, which leads me to my next achievement...

I made what is possibly the second biggest decision of my life... I'm moving to Canberra!

I'm learning that "responsibility" does not equate to "fault". I have a degree of responsibility for the interactions I have as an adult - but that doesn't necessarily make it my fault if those interactions are negative!

I was able to sort through some of my belongings and separate a large group for an eventual garage sale - an achievement both as a step towards my end goal (moving) and as an overcoming comfort zones thing (I am a hoarder... I *hate* getting rid of anything!) Apparently a third side of this is that I am saving money by taking positive action - which is a mini achievement in and of itself.

While I was in Canberra, when I discovered that I had accidentally brought a tool, and I couldn't guarantee that having it wouldn't mean using it, I was able to do the right thing and give the tool to my friend so that I wouldn't give in to temptation.

I was able to reach out during some really rough days.

I may not always make the best choices, but for the most part I'm making better ones than I was doing this time last year (and maybe that's good enough, just now).




Gratitudes List/Things that make me happy:
I got to feed a giraffe on my holiday! Several times!
I also got to pat a dingo; feed otters, a tiger, a white lion, a snow leopard and an eland; have a European brown bear lick my hand clean of food; and my inner children got to hold a snake.
Seeing snow and sledding and making a snow angel.
Great friends, both old and new.
Being included in my friend's role-play games.
Being able to have a face-to-face chat with Kelly.
Crazy cookies, because they're a reminder that I can still see the lighter side of things.
Giraffes in general.
Music and the soothing feeling of typing out lyrics as the song plays.



Cheer-leading statements:
A hiccup is just a hiccup. It doesn't have to be more than that.
I can tackle this moving thing just fine! If I start to feel overwhelmed, I have lots of skills I can use to manage that.
I can make choices for myself that will lead to the things I want out of my life.
It is okay to look after myself.
It's okay to feel however I feel.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Oops (Or The One Where Chrysalis Does Something Stupid)

In fact, oops doesn't even come close to doing my blunder justice. I came back from my holiday a bit mental. Well, to be honest, I came back from my holiday very mental. All the strides I'd made seemed to have disappeared, and I knew that it was at least partially due to my medication no longer working, but it didn't seem to matter.

At that point, nothing seemed to matter.

My holiday had been wonderful. Things weren't perfect - I was still me, after all, with all that that entailed - but I was living life and I was enjoying it. I was tackling my life at a pace that suited me. And almost overnight I went from "okay" back to "very unwell". Despite my mental state, I continued fighting to turn things around. I used the support and encouragement offered by the friend I was staying with, in order to do that.

I should have listened when she suggested I go to the doctor, but I allowed my fear to get in the way. "It'll be okay," I told her. "I'll go when I get back to Brisbane".

The day after I arrived home, I was supposed to go to the art gallery and meet up with friends. Instead, I stayed in bed. That night I started drinking but I went to bed before I threw away my SI-free time. I stayed in bed the next day and most of Sunday as well. I already know that doing that kind of thing is my fast track to misery, but I couldn't bring myself to care. By Sunday night I was a mess. I told myself I could get through this, I could keep it up. I spoke about a decision I was trying to make and I made it, without even realising that's what I was doing. After dinner, with the guilt eating away at me, I started tipping back the vodkas.

While drunk, I managed to pour what must have been pretty much an entire glass of Coke/Red Creaming Soda and vodka into my laptop's keyboard. Unsurprisingly, Lappie was particularly unimpressed and decided not to work for me any more (hence my complete absence for the past week). I got lucky. I've got a friend who fixes laptops as his job - he took Lappie away a couple of days ago and my 'baby' has a new battery and keyboard on order, and a new hard drive installed.

After the escapade with the vodka, I didn't have a choice but to see the doctor on Monday. He prescribed a higher dose of Lexapro and told me he would be away and I should see another doctor this week and he'll see me next Monday.

I've just barely held myself together all week. I didn't go back to see another doctor. I did spend the week trying to get hold of my old DBT coordinator (which I finally managed yesterday) and calling my friend in Canberra.

My increased dosage is now starting to work. I feel myself getting on a more even keel again. I'm crying a little less every day. Once again, I can even believe I'll be okay, I just have to hold on long enough.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Slacking Off

I know I've missed the last two Sanguine Saturdays. I hope to do a Sanguine "some other day" this week to make up for it, but there's a few things I want to sort out or write about or talk about (or do something with!) before I do.

I've been in Canberra on holidays for two weeks, and I want to do all the processing and sharing about that before I really do my SS post. And there really is a lot to process. I had a great time, but it wasn't all fun and games. I've a lot to think about, a lot to talk about, a lot to process, as I said.

There's so much I want to write, but I need to talk to a couple of friends, and to Erica, first.

I also need to see my GP as I suspect my medication needs some adjustment, and I desperately need a dentist right now (but will have to put that off a few more days regardless).

But... I'm back. Sort of. I don't think I have the energy to read back and comment on all that I missed, but I'll try at least to pick up from where people are now.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Sanguine Saturday Sunday ;)

Well, once again I lost track of the days of the week and missed Sanguine Saturday. This time, though, I missed it because I was busy enjoying myself role playing with a friend... in Canberra!


Success Stories:
In less than 24 hours I'm going to be facing down six weeks of self-harm free time, as well as an equal length of time since getting drunk in my bedroom.

Although I had a panic attack on the plane, I used mindfulness to contain it!

I've been eating in front of people (something that terrifies me). Not a lot, but it still counts.

I allowed my friend to buy me a drink and scones at a tea house the other day.

When I saw Carol, I set myself up to not have an 'out' when I come back so that I actually start talking about what I'm supposed to be talking about.

I told Erica a little bit more of my history -- pretty important since she is my support worker and knew pretty much nothing about it beyond the self harm, BPD diagnosis, and recent treatment.

I've been wearing the special bike pants that the hospital had made for me, and taking my medication every day. (Medical compliance!)

I hit my brother up for the money he owes me.

I did the whole airport thing by myself!

Joining the role play game last night with my friend and her friends. I'd not met most of the people before, I'd not role played before (well, I have done text based RP online, but it's very, very different) and both things are situations that I would normally avoid due to anxiety.



Gratitudes List/Things that make me happy (alternatively, apparently, things I love about Canberra):
Being in Canberra with my friend
My friend's kitties! I'm especially taken with Flash, a friendly ginger girl.
Giraffes!
Role playing was fun
There were BUNNIES in the PET STORE! Bunnies!
The excitement of walking in crunchy leaves
One of my oldest friends (length of time I've known her oldest, not as in she's old!) is coming tomorrow to stay here as well
We're going to the snow on Wednesday!
The dinosaur museum and the little blue monster (a Diplodocus) named Littlefoot I got for myself while I was there.
Tea houses with fireplaces. :D
Good friends



Cheer-leading statements:
The butterfly doesn't make the caterpillar a lie.
I am not a burden.
I am not a bad person.
It's okay to have fun and enjoy myself!
I am not responsible for anyone other than myself.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Another Sanguine Saturday On The Way Past

I love Lexapro, but I hate being tired all the time. I still hope it'll pass.

In other news, only another couple of days and I'll be in Canberra! Bring on the giraffes, bring on the snow and bring on my interstate friends!



Success Stories:
I made four whole weeks self harm free. (Actually in just under 36 hours, it'll actually be five weeks. But who's counting? Oh, that's right... me!)

It's been the same length of time since I got myself drunk in my bedroom (problem drinking).

I've been making healthier choices with my eating, with my sleeping and with my activities.

I'm getting better about people touching me. Both at asking for people not to do it when I particularly don't want them to, and about letting people do it when it's not so big of an issue.

I made a phone call (to the lawyers) that I'd been avoiding.



Gratitudes List/Things that make me happy:
My trip to Canberra.
Calling Kelly to tell her what I'd achieved.
Having a friend tell me she was impressed with how well I've held myself together lately, that I could have fallen apart but instead I had "stayed strong and behaved like an adult", and that she's proud to know me.
Giraffes.
Good friends: local, interstate and global!
Simple pleasures like hanging out my washing.
Snow snow snow snow snow! Snow!



Cheer-leading statements:
I don't have to be perfect.
It's okay to feel whatever I feel. All of it!
Whatever happens, I'll deal with it as it comes. Worrying about it won't make it any less likely to occur.
The butterfly does not make the caterpillar a lie.
I can choose to make healthy choices, and it's perfectly okay to choose the healthy option.


Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

Choosing To Recognise Achievements

By chance, I ran into an old primary school friend this morning. We lost contact when I moved to my father's place and although we're facebook friends, we haven't actually talked in about 15 years. She hasn't changed much at all since I knew her, she is still the same down to earth person she was back then. She is extremely easy to talk to, and I found myself admitting to not having worked for a year and a half as well as to my various diagnosis' and so forth.

One of the most interesting things I found about our interaction was that she told me that I was far too hard on myself.

I am fascinated because I felt that I was actually, though honest, quite kind in the way I spoke of myself today. It really highlighted to me how far I have come, as well as how far I still have to go. For a start, it wasn't until I was reflecting on the interaction that I realised that, had I been speaking of someone else, I would never have said the sort of things I said about myself.

First example off the bat, she asked if I was going to go to my reunion this year and I told her that I wasn't sure yet. "What are your reasons for the hesitation?"
"I haven't achieved anything."

That is why I hesitate to commit fully, because that is what I believe about myself. I'm not sure I want to show up with nothing but a string of failures to show of my life since high school... but that's complete bullocks, really, isn't it? I have achieved something. I'm still alive!

Maybe I don't have a car, or a good job (or even a job, to be fair), or the husband-children-white picket fence... but I'm still alive. I have survived what I'm beginning to recognise as a fairly extensive amount of childhood abuse of all types. I have survived mental illness, discrimination, miscarriage, spousal abuse, divorce, the deaths of several people dear to me. I have survived an alcohol dependency. I have survived.

And I haven't just survived. I have achieved other things that may not be current, but are no less real for that. I have worked for five years at a job that I loved. I have studied and received a Certificate III at the end of my efforts. I have been to Sydney, Melbourne, Rockhampton, Bundaberg, Vanuatu and Fiji (and by the time of the reunion, Canberra will also be on that list). I have won competitions for my writing, I have won money in a photography competition. I have had my photographs on display at the Royal Brisbane Exhibition.

Why is that not enough for myself? My friend was right when she said, "I'm sure you have achieved things", but I couldn't see it.

It's time to start recognising that simply surviving is an achievement, and it's time to start congratulating myself for that. I didn't have to survive - I chose to. And I'm going to keep choosing to survive, and I'm going to rebuild my life until I get to a place that is healthy. A place where I am healthy and where I can find happiness, peace and contentment.



Cheerleading and Challenge Statements:
How wonderful will it be to ring Kelly and say, "it's been two months since I self harmed"? Hold onto that.
Whatever I feel is okay. I don't need to judge myself for my emotions.
Maybe I'm not just not a bad person - maybe I really am an okay person!
I can't change the past but I can change the present, and I can work towards a better future.
Ruminating and worrying won't change the way things are. All I can do is accept events/feelings/thoughts and deal with them as best I can when life happens.



Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.

An Achievement

It's Monday. I'm just posting a real short one tonight, with very little substance except to say...

I DID IT!

One month self harm free. One entire month.

And maybe that seems small to others, but for me, that's an enormous achievement. That's the longest I've gone without self harm since I broke my knee (and even that was 'forced' because my mother was showering me for that time out of concern I'd accidentally cause more damage to my knee in the shower), and before that, the longest I've gone since I was married.


Today is also the first time in a long time that I've not had a single wound dressing of some kind.


Until next time, take care of yourselves, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.