tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64862140743841582842024-03-13T14:48:25.499+10:00Dialectic DichotomyBegun as an attempt to recover and build a life post-DBT, Dialectic Dichotomy has been sitting quietly for a couple of years as I continued to grow. This blog is now a combination of the tools that I use to aid my recovery, the thoughts that I battle or that help me grow, and the ways I am building a life worth living as a woman dealing with the rammifications of many kinds of abuse, domestic violence, child loss, and life with mental illness.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.comBlogger176125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-91291756446275819412017-05-30T23:11:00.002+10:002017-05-31T00:12:38.077+10:00#HeartOnMySleeveIt's time to revive this blog, and I'm going to do it by talking about the #HeartOnMySleeve movement. If you haven't already, go watch <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8EbjNJnUFk" target="_blank">this video</a> on youTube. I'll wait.<br />
<br />
Tonight I drew a heart on my arm, wiped off my mask, and took a photo to
share on social media. I am one of the faces of mental illness. I live
with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder...
and all the extras that come with complex trauma. My mental illness
sometimes incapacitates me to the point of disability. <br />
<br />
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<br />
While my mask is off, I'm going to lay some of it out for you, because I'm not the only one. All around you people are going about their lives and statistics say that 1 in 4 of those people are living with mental illness -- and probably hiding it behind a mask.<br />
<br />
So please, if you've got some time, let me tell you a little about what it looks like on the inside. Walk, as they say, in my shoes for a bit. But then please give them back, because I don't want to be loopy *and* have to buy new shoes. ;)<br />
<br />
I split this into two halves, those of my conscious and un/sub conscious selves. Some things may seem to, or actually, contradict themselves, and these tend to be survival strategies and my brain approaching things things from weird angles that confuse everyone (including me). One example of this is that I am consciously not aware of things in my surroundings, while being hyper-vigilant about them. In that instance it's a case of "if I don't see what's going on, I don't have to decide what to do about it"; but the hyper-vigilance means that my body's ready to decide for me, should the need arise.<br />
<br />
Just a quick note to add that I'm not proud of my symptoms, and I do often take a "bright side" approach to things, but today I want you to
see the mess behind the mask. I want you to see that mental illness has
left its mark on me, that the struggle behind the smile is real <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Occurring mainly in/to my conscious self:</b><br />
I'm blind to the nuances of my surroundings; but overaware of the nuances of our conversation. If it is one way now, I will probably think it has always been that way. I probably will not notice that you shaved your head, got a tattoo, or pierced your nose. I will, however, stress for days over the tone of your voice when you said "goodbye". <br />
I experience severe depression. Sometimes I lose all motivation and it's a struggle to do anything. Sometimes I cry too easily and too often. Sometimes I have no tears at all.<br />
I have near-constant anxiety. Sometimes I experience panic attacks - some appearing out of nowhere, some due to known triggers.<br />
I self harm. You may have noticed that the skin on one of those hearts looks a little weird. That's because it's scarring -- a self inflicted wound five years ago resulted in a skin graft that covers approximately half of my forearm.<br />
I have disordered eating.<br />
I have massive problems with personal hygiene (and this is probably the thing I'm most sensitive about, in terms of admitting). Dental visits are rare and a big deal when they happen, and usually require hospitalisation afterwards for my own safety.<br />
My self esteem is nearly nonexistent. Some days it is better than others, but I don't think I'd ever rate it above 50%.<br />
I experience flashbacks and relive past experiences as though they're
happening in the now. It can occur with partial memories or full
memories. Sometimes when this is immersive, I can't tell that I'm
experiencing a memory at all.<br />
I hallucinate. I see things that aren't really in the physical world around me. These things are generally benign and sometimes a little bizarre. Occasionally something I see will be frightening, such as when things that shouldn't move, do. I hear sounds and I hear the voice of a male who seems to be mid-30s (ish). When he appears, it is generally after a period of prolonged depression, and he tells me that God is telling me to die. Medication silences him. I also frequently hear things from the internal world. I experience this differently to my thought-voice, and to the aforementioned male voice.<br />
I think about suicide several times a day. I enter "actively suicidal" several times a year, and sometimes require hospitalisation to keep myself safe.<br />
I lack healthy boundaries. Sometimes I'm not sure where they should be, other times my self esteem stops me setting them where I objectively know they belong.<br />
I have terrible self care. I eat poorly, sleep poorly, and generally do little to look after myself. <br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Occurring mainly in my unconscious or subconscious self:</b><br />
I am hyper-vigilant. I scan for exits every time I enter a space, and I note who and what is around me. I have an exit plan made before I take even two steps.<br />
I pick up on subtle emotions and body language cues that my conscious self doesn't know how to interpret. The un/sub conscious self interprets it as some form of threat (generally an emotional one; such as "you are upset with me").<br />
I dissociate. Sometimes I 'switch' and another personality experiences the outer world, and sometimes I simply experience life through a fog. Sometimes, when things are particularly bad, I go into dissociative shut-down. When this occurs, it's as though my body is inhabited by a muted ghost. The lights are on, the door swings open at your touch... but nobody's home. In this state I could easily walk under a car without even registering its existence.<br />
On a related note, there is a team of insiders (alters) constantly
monitoring what's going on, in order to ensure our physical safety as
much as possible. This is exhausting, even with all of us helping out,
and sometimes things fall apart because everyone's too tired to monitor
effectively.<br />
I pick at my skin and pull out my hair when I'm distressed. My face and my chest are where I most pick (leading to people asking things like, "what's wrong with your face" & "do you have the chicken pox?") hair comes from my scalp when subsconscious, and legs when I'm consciously fulfilling this need.<br />
<br />
**<br />
This is not a complete & exhaustive list. Neither of us has time for that. I hope, though, that it's given you a bit of an idea what lies behind the mask, and maybe given someone else the courage to speak up as well. This is not my story, it's just my symptoms. My story is made up of so much more than this; it's more than mental illness, it's even more than the sum of my parts. So this is not my story, these are simply some of my symptoms, and <b><i>I'm not proud of my symptoms, but I'm trying not to be ashamed, either</i></b>.<br />
<br />
Although the ways mental illness affects me might look different to the ways someone with heart disease, or lupus, or cystic fibrosis are affected by their illness, I have as little choice in my illness as they do. I didn't choose my mental illness, but every day I wake up and work to make my life better.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-70387521358007399232017-05-16T09:44:00.001+10:002017-05-16T09:46:37.774+10:00Jayden's OdeI've been thinking of resurrecting this. I'm stil pondering, but in the meantime, have a poem written by a support worker at Connections. I've left his line breaks where they were, but I suspect that's mainly based on how much paper he had left on the page rather than where he intended them to be.<br />
<br />
Ode<br />
Oh moldy bread<br />
Your extravagant uniqueness to other breads is a shining<br />
refresher to my otherwise moldless life.<br />
Your aging mold does not express a diminishing quality<br />
with your sometimes misunderstood penicillin,<br />
rather, reflects your maturing experiences from a fresh, soft<br />
loaf of bread, to your current state, a hard and stale<br />
exterior. Though your solemn purpose of service to diminish<br />
a person's hunger may be redundant, my appreciation<br />
for you and your new potential purposes will never<br />
be unsustained.<br />
<br />
He would love your feedback, if anyone's out there reading.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-28233877833093581412016-03-06T23:29:00.001+10:002016-03-06T23:30:41.391+10:00My Kind Of BPDIs anybody else still out there? I'm still here, despite my fits and starts of disappearing. My laptop broke again, and I've been accessing the internet through my iPad and through a friend's laptop. My memory is no better, and so I forget about things that I usually keep tabbed (such as this blog, and Flight Rising, and Facebook...) when that happens.<br />
<br />
Today I've been thinking about stigma, and how even those of us who fight it can still be vulnerable to it. In particular, I've been thinking about the stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder, and the ways in which I've bought into it without meaning to. Have you ever said, "I have BPD, <b><i>but I'm not a typical Borderline</i></b>", or something similar? I have, frequently. I seem to always be explaining to people that even though I have BPD, I'm not <i>"that"</i> kind of Borderline. Partly I want to be understood for the individual I am, rather than a stereotyped version of my disorder -- but mostly I'm trying to distance myself from everyone who is "<i>that</i>" kind of Borderline.<br />
<br />
And every time I do that, I drive another nail into the stigma-coffin. Every time I say it, I may as well be screaming out that there is a "good" BPD and a "bad" BPD. There's not. There's just BPD, in varying degrees of intensity and with myriad presentations of symptoms. It's all the bad kind. It's all the good kind. It's all BPD.<br />
<br />
Given that, maybe instead of rushing to defend myself by sticking that "bad" label on the people with different symptoms, I should quit telling people what my BPD isn't... and start talking about what my BPD <i>is</i> (bearing in mind, of course, that my comorbid disorders bleed into BPD and each other).<br />
<ul>
<li>My BPD is <b>a lack of self stability</b> that shows itself in an uncanny ability to unconsciously chameleon. By this, I mean that without intending to, I often change myself according to the people I'm around. This change will include everything from words and mannerisms to thoughts and even beliefs. It's never being sure of who I am, or if I really like the things I like. It's constantly wondering how others see me, and trying to create a self-view based around that, because it's the best I can do.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>excessive self-monitoring and criticism</b>. Everything I do comes under the deepest of scrutiny by my own mind. Was that too blunt, too subtle, too rude, too ineffective? Is that appropriate to do/say/ask? One thing is of particular concern since my diagnosis: "am I acting in a way that reinforces BPD stigma?"<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>interpersonal hypersensitivity</b>. It's never knowing whether what I'm sensing from others is their stuff, or my own. It's misinterpreting others' emotions and needs as being <i>my fault</i> in almost every situation.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>intense relationships</b>. It's needing to be part of everything, to feel included. It's always following along, feeling like a sheep or a lost puppy. It's over-involvement in other peoples' lives until I think they're sick of me, whereupon it's backing off and hiding away.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is a <b>preoccupation with, and terror of, abandonment</b>. It's weighing up constantly what I can say and do to not lose the people I love. It's always being the one to say sorry, to shoulder the weight of fixing anything that goes wrong. It's the unconscious chameleon behaviours to fit in, to belong. It's being afraid to eat in front of the people I care about until I've done it enough times to be sure I won't screw it up so badly they don't want to be around me. It's terror of my friends' friends, because there's a perception that the opinion of those peripherals will influence the opinion of the people I care about. It's needing to be part of everything, to feel included. It's being a doormat, because if I give everything I have and am, then people will maybe have reason to stay.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>emotional hypersensitivy</b>. It's feeling everything in an intense way - as though I'm the equivalent of a burn victim, my emotional skin gone and the nerves laid bare. It's knowing that people think I'm a drama queen because everything is so out of proportion, and still not being able to control or damp down that intensity. It's loving so strongly it wants to explode out of me, and it's hurting so deeply I can't bear the weight of my own heart.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is difficulty recognising and managing my emotions. It's being so afraid of my own anger that I am only just beginning to feel it instead of automatically transmuting it to a different emotion. It's crying silently and fighting it the whole time, because it feels so wrong not to. It's fighting every emotion, trying to run and hide from them, and failing every time. It's being overwhelmed almost constantly because I don't even know for certain what I'm feeling.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is an overabundance of <b>anxiety and depression</b>. It's everything I already covered under terror of abandonment & emotional hypersensitivy, and so much more besides. It's fear of being imperfect, fear of losing control. It's shame, and guilt, and the weight of clinical depression bearing down on my shoulders. It's fear of, and difficulty adjusting to, change.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>impulsivity</b>. It's acting in the moment, despite my intentions to follow a different plan. It's spending hours scrutinising myself, and then out of nowhere blurting out something utterly inappropriate. It's writing out a shopping list, then ignoring it and spending all my money on junk food and craft material instead. It's taking out something for dinner, then deciding at the last minute to eat something else, and doing it on a regular basis.<br /><br />
</li>
<li>My BPD is <b>self destructive behaviours</b>. Sometimes, it's suicide attempts because I don't want to be here anymore, because I'm done and I just want out. Most of the time, it's self harm, alcohol abuse, disordered eating. It's mixing uppers & downers because I know it messes with my body. It's over-eating, under-eating, and it's eating foods that will make me uncomfortable. It's giving up just when I get near to reaching my goals, and it's pressing on [emotional] sore spots. It's making decisions based on what will cause me the most amount of harm/pain, because all I really want to do is destroy myself. </li>
</ul>
<br />
My BPD is a disorder and a disability. It's not the good kind of BPD. It's not the bad kind of BPD. It's just <i>my</i> kind of BPD. What's <i><b>your</b></i> kind of BPD?Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-33081715200161978302016-01-05T00:43:00.003+10:002016-01-05T00:43:52.412+10:00Ch-ch-changes (Turn and Face the Strain)Sometimes it seems like just when I start to find my feet and plant myself on solid ground, along comes something to shake things up. I'm still learning to be okay with that, even when the shake up happens for a good reason.<br />
<br />
I know it's been months. I hope nobody's been worried. This time, just as I reassured you all that I wasn't doing a disappearing act, I got unwell. And then my laptop up and died. And in the middle of all that, my world changed.<br />
<br />
After four years together, my relationship with Bumface is now over. I'm the one who ended it - but don't let that fool you. I took it hard. It's still hard, even though there have been other changes that have made things easier than I expected. There was no big fight, no earth-shattering revelation of betrayal that ended my relationship. Instead, it was a quiet dying of the intimacy we used to share, an insidious decay of time and meaning - but not the love. Never the love. And so I finally did what I've spent a great deal of time learning how to do - I walked away from a relationship that was hurting more than it was helping, even though I still deeply loved the other person. I still love him now.<br />
<br />
With my relationship officially over, I moved rapidly from "unwell" into "a serious risk". In addition, for some reason, the DID that had been fairly well managed for the last ten years suddenly became a major problem. It's still a problem, but things are beginning to settle down a little, at least. There are a lot of littles active again - both 'new' and ones I knew before; and although others are active as well, their ability to blend is better (as has been all along) and thus they are less noticable.<br />
<br />
I wound up with a friend staying for what was initially going to be a few days, but has lasted longer due to both the dissociation (and safety around that) as well as my state of self harm & suicide risk. I'd known this man for a little while, knew we had similar pasts and shared commonalities, but discovered more. Discovered, too, a man who had an instinctive grasp of what I needed; and an ability to provide it. We ended up deciding to explore a relationship together -- and we're still exploring.<br />
<br />
Now that we're past New Years, he's going to be going back to his own place (gradually), and I'll be living alone for the first time in my life. It's frightening and exhilirating all at once.<br />
<br />
It's been an interesting ride these last few months, but here's to a new year - new hopes, new changes, new starts. Hope you're all okay out there in the world. Stop in, say hi and let me know what's going on for you. I've missed you.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-7492248803592985352015-08-11T18:15:00.000+10:002015-08-11T18:17:55.772+10:00Letter to the Person Living With BPDI wrote this last year and shared it on my Australian BPD group. I came across it again today, and it seems like something that I should place here, as well. Although it's for 'the person with BPD', it may offer some small insight for those who don't have BPD as well.<br />
<br />
<h4>
To the person with BPD,</h4>
First of all, know you are not alone. There are men and women from all walks of life who can identify with those three letters, and though they may not always be people you would choose to have in your life, they are your allies and your kin. We walk these paths together; and as lonely as it can be, because of that we are never truly alone.<br />
<br />
Know that when you research your condition, you will come across websites that call you evil; you will come across websites that claim you are narcissistic and lacking in empathy. Know that being diagnosed with BPD does not equate to these things. Being diagnosed BPD means many things, but know that it does not make you a bad person. No website calling all people with BPD 'evil', 'manipulative' or 'narcisstic', or calling for extreme avoidance of all those diagnosed, is professional or accurate.<br />
<br />
Know that your future is not assured. BPD is, technically, incurable -- but it is not a life sentence. There is treatment available and life can get better. If you have done DBT and found it unhelpful, know that there is more than one option out there. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all treatment for BPD, no matter what anyone tells you.<br />
<br />
Know that your feelings, as strong as they are, will dissipate if you allow them to. Your anger will fade; your sorrow will ease. Nothing lasts forever, and your feelings are not the exception to the rule. You are the emotional equivalent of a third degree burn victim but you have the ability to graft yourself with thicker skin. You can get through this.<br />
<br />
Know that you can learn to control your behaviour. What you do in impulse now, you can learn to contain. Your angry outbursts, your uncontrolled spending, even your self harm can all become more controlled and can even be overcome entirely. It will take time and it will take a great deal of hard work, but it can be done.<br />
<br />
Know that the world is not as black and white as you'd like it to be, but you can learn to be okay with that. Know that your instinct to cast people or events into categories on the extremes can be worked with. You will learn, in time, that nobody is all good or all bad, and that is okay.<br />
<br />
Know that you will learn to know yourself, gradually. Maybe you will start with your favourite colour, or you will choose an animal to love. Maybe you will discover that you like your eggs scrambled, or you dislike jelly.<br />
<br />
Know that sometimes people will leave, but it doesn't mean that you are being abandoned. Life is full of change; people move on, or are taken from us suddenly. Not everyone was meant to be a permanent fixture in our lives; some people will stay for a heartbeat, others will fill our hearts for years. Know that you can learn to be okay with the changing landscapes of friendships and loved ones, despite the pain.<br />
<br />
Know, most of all, that there is hope. BPD is not a negative reflection on your personality and life can get better.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-55229833158620244002015-08-09T20:17:00.003+10:002015-08-09T20:18:50.102+10:00Sunday Sunshine - 9/8/15Some of you may remember the old Sanguine Saturday posts I used to make. I decided to reinvent these as Sunday Sunshine, but with likely most of the same content. A weekly look at gratitudes, achievements and the like is probably something I need at the moment.<br />
<br />
<h4>
I'm grateful for...</h4>
<ul>
<li>My heart family that is filled with wonderful people</li>
<li>Having a free Netflix account</li>
<li>Beach walks</li>
<li>Coke Zero</li>
<li>Having had a great night out with friends</li>
<li>Books</li>
<li>Dogs</li>
<li>Also giraffes, cats, guinea pigs, monkeys, dolphins, and other mammals. Also non mammals. Just animals in general, really.</li>
<li>Puns</li>
</ul>
<br />
<h4>
Achievements:</h4>
<ul>
<li>I walked from the street all the way into college all by myself.<br />I've been brushing my teeth every day I've gone into college.</li>
<li>I went out with friends -- this is a gratitude and an achievement because it was pretty scary, and there were some last minute changes that made my anxiety even worse.</li>
<li>I knocked off another unit of study last week, which leaves me with one and a half (a prac and some related assignments that shouldn't take long) to finish before my next cluster opens on August 25.</li>
<li>Even though I made a decision that didn't turn out very well, I was able to make better decisions in order to mitigate the negative effects.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Don't forget to challenge yourself by posting up some gratitudes and achievements of your own, and send me the link. I can't wait to see them!Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-1479024561645315402015-08-08T13:39:00.000+10:002015-08-08T13:40:05.060+10:00Life (Or Something Like It)No, I have not done my usual "blog and disappear". I'm still here. :)<br />
<br />
Things have been busy here. I'm struggling to create a balance between study, home and social life. It's harder than I remember back when I was working -- but then again, it's more important to me to ensure my balance is healthy now than it was back then. I don't know how much I'm reclaiming of who I used to be. I think, instead, I'm butterflying into a new person. Hopefully, in time, I'll become a person with a better grasp of socialisation and emotion management, too.<br />
<br />
As I ease back into blogging, there are likely to be format changes. I've changed a lot since I started this blog (thank goodness), and my goals have changed. Something that hasn't changed is that I still want to use this blog as a place to help myself process things, and I also want to keep using it to help others. I don't know what that will mean for the blog at the moment, so please just bare with me in the interim.<br />
<br />
What's been on my mind in the last few weeks has included:<br />
<br />
<h4>
* Why am I struggling with my study?</h4>
I've felt like I've really struggled with the last few units I've done. I don't know whether it's that my headspace isn't right (my depression has flared up in the last little while, and with it extreme amounts of anxiety -- plus I've had two recent deaths to grieve), the units are just getting harder, my way of learning isn't as practical with these units, or I'm just plain too stupid for this course. Most likely it's a combination of factors. Still, no matter what it is, I have no intention of quitting. I can do this. I <b>will</b> do this.<br />
<br />
<b>Plan of Action:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Keep going.</li>
<li>Attend college 3-5 days each week as much as possible.</li>
<li>Get help from tutors, peers and friends where needed.</li>
<li>Monitor depression & anxiety - bring it up at next appointment with pdoc.</li>
<li>Remember to actually use my Valium.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<h4>
* Rejection/Abandonment/Conflict</h4>
All three in one because they're very interconnected for me. We all know these things have long been something I struggle with. Conflict (that isn't actually conflict) still leaves me torn up inside for months. I'm trying <i>so</i> hard to get better with this, but the unresolved emotions at the heart of it all are still very much holding me back. It's so bad it's actually become a real quality of life issue, and I don't want it to continue. I don't know what else I can do other than to keep going, keep trying, keep fighting, so I will do those things and keep experimenting to find new things.<br />
<br />
Plan of Action:<br />
<ul>
<li>Experiment with new "tools" to handle conflict/rejection/abandonment (whether real or perceived)</li>
<li>Watch friends and peers amongst themselves. Be aware of how conflict is handled between others -- use it as evidence of how those people will handle conflict with me (eg, if when in conflict with J, E walks off for a break, then finds J an hour later and they talk it out & their friendship remains strong -- use this as evidence E will not end friendship over small conflict).</li>
<li>Keep on top of thought challenging -- "conflict is part of life, and most relationships don't fall apart based on conflict that is addressed", "I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes".</li>
<li>?</li>
</ul>
<br />
Those are the big ones I'm struggling with at the moment. As always, please feel free to throw suggestions at me for my own action plans. But... what about you? What's something going on in your life that you could develop an action plan for addressing? Feel free to blog and leave a link, or just answer in the comment section, and I'll see you tomorrow for some Sunday Sunshine.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-60703029952335733872015-07-25T19:36:00.002+10:002015-07-25T19:38:16.636+10:0056 Weeks Later...It's been another year. Things have changed a great deal for me. In some ways, my symptoms have lessened greatly. On the whole, I'm happier than I used to be.<br />
<br />
But in other ways, new symptoms have come up. I'm happier at the cost of functionality, and in trying to bring that functionality back, I'm starting to lose some of that happiness. I feel like I'm on a neverending seesaw, but damned if I'm not still fighting. I will find a way to create some semblance of balance, even if I never get it perfect.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h2>
</h2>
So, a bit of a recap/refresher/catch up on how life looks for me at the moment:<br />
<br />
* I study now. At the very end of February my partner and I joined a course and began to study towards a diploma of counselling. I go into college most days. I don't always get a lot of work done, but that's okay. I'm making reasonable progress with my study so it's not an issue if I have a day where my concentration is shoddy or whatnot; and when I'm not studying, I'm making friends and expanding my social circle.<br />
<br />
* On a related note, we're working towards making Missy a certified Assistance Dog (like a guide dog for the blind). I have a few details left on the paperwork -- I'm waiting for Dar to come home for that -- and then we'll wait and see what happens.<br />
<br />
* The reason I need an Assistance Dog is that I have unfortunately become quite agoraphobic. I'm pretty well unable to leave the unit alone. If Missy or someone I trust is with me, I'm alright, but otherwise, there's just too much panic.<br />
<br />
* My weight has remained reasonably steady for a while, except for some stress related loss which has since been regained. I'm not by any means underweight, but if I use logic and reasoning, I don't think I'm especially overweight at the moment either. I wish I could say that my eating is normal as well, but that would be a lie. Still, I make sure I eat at least one proper and reasonable meal (almost) every day.<br />
<br />
* I rarely self harm. Suicidal ideation, passive suicidality, and the urge to self harm all remain a problem; but I've got a pretty good grip on not actioning these, for the most part. Unfortunately skin picking and occasional hair pulling is still very much an issue.<br />
<br />
* I hug some people. I still like to be the one that initiates it, or be asked about being hugged, but I'm doing it, and sometimes I am initiating it (usually by asking), and all of that is massive.<br />
<br />
* Even the things that are still really huge issues/problems (like my inability to deal with anger or perceived conflict, and my terror of abandonment) are being stretched and - I believe - will gradually lessen as I see for myself that being human and myself and imperfect is not going to end or irrevocably change my friendships for the worse.<br />
<h3>
</h3>
And of course...<br />
<br />
* I still read and write and craft and love zoos and take photographs. I still want to get my writing published (and I need to pull my finger out and actually do something about that). I'm still me, so much more than my diagnoses, so much more than the broken piece of a puzzle.<br />
<br />
I think it's time to get back to blogging.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-69315107249617870272014-06-28T15:00:00.000+10:002014-06-28T15:00:06.899+10:00The Healthy Eating MinefieldAll those people who say healthy eating is easy need to get off their high horse. In my experience, healthy eating is complicated, and especially if you've ever struggled with disordered eating, and/or mental illness.<br />
<br />
Healthy eating is a veritable minefield of wrong choices, mistakes and scary limitations. First, scientists can't even agree on what's healthy. We're constantly being told that yesterday's choices are no longer healthy. We're told it's as simple as "x calories in" = weight loss, but weight loss doesn't necessarily equal healthy.<br /><br />I'm trying to do the right thing, by my body and by my mind, but it's so complicated. Am I doing it right when I eat salad for dinner? Maybe, but maybe I'm not including enough nutrition or maybe I'm not giving myself enough calories. Am I doing it right when I snack on fruit? Not, apparently, if you add peanut butter or nutella to that. Am I doing it right when I eat muesli for breakfast? Maybe.<br /><br />The truth is, I'm so turned around right now, I have no idea whether I'm doing it "right" - whether the food I'm putting into my body is okay or not. I have no idea if I'm getting the right nutrients, the right calorie number, the right anything.<br />
<br />
I know what I like and I know what I don't like. I know that it's winter and I want warm food, but the tasty-healthy options I know of aren't warm - they're cold things like salad or watermelon or neutral things like dried fruit and corn thins.<br /><br />I also know I'm trying, and maybe that's good enough for now.<br /><br />How about you? How do you go with healthy eating -- are you a natural or do you get as confused and mucked around as I do? Do you get upset when you make mistakes and choose options that aren't as healthy as you thought?Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-77285138678049526182014-06-13T18:19:00.001+10:002014-06-13T18:19:10.178+10:00The need for ALL levels of recovery to be validated in their need for supportI want to address two things that are sort of connected. Something I've been running into in a few places lately, is this idea that those who are "further along the recovery path" should bend to those who are just beginning their journey, no matter what.<br /><br />The thing about different places in the recovery journey, is that how we approach certain things affects others who are in different places. In a great many support communities, that means allowing people to express themselves however they like - 'whinge' comments and attention seeking are rife.<br /><br />I believe those things have their place. I believe it's important for people to experiment with how to get the sort of attention and support they need -- but I don't think that should be at the expense of those who are a little further along the recovery road.<br />
<br />
Whether we like it or not, those of us a little further on the recovery journey can find that really difficult to deal with. Being surrounded by people seeking short term solutions can really drag us down, and it can lead to the temptation to go back to using those short term solutions, instead of concentrating on the long term solultions that actually change things.<br /><br />There's this idea that if, in a support-based community, we put up boundaries against that sort of behaviour, we are stepping on the people who need that communication style, and that because they're at an earlier stage of recovery, they have more right and need for support, because they are "sicker".<br /><br />No. No, no, no, and I say again -- no. First of all, you can't determine whom of two people is "sicker" unless you know both extremely well and ideally hold a psychological degree. There's this idea that someone who has reasonable communication skills can't possibly be as sick as someone who struggles to understand concepts. This is not true. I might understand concepts quite well from a rational level - but that doesn't mean I'm capable of putting them in play in my life, or that I might not be affected in other ways.<br /><br />This is connected to the idea that someone who is more visibly unwell is actually less unwell -- again, this is a myth/misconception. The truth is, you can't guage how well or unwell someone is by how they present. You just can't.<br /><br />And you know what? Even if you could - by focusing on supporting those who are "most visibly unwell" at the cost of those who are less visibly unwell, you create an environment where the emphasis is on being as visibly unwell as you can, in order to receive support. You create an environment that says to everyone who needs support only deserves it if they are as visibly unwell as possible -- that's not an environment that encourages growth or healing, it's an environment that breeds dysfunction.<br /><br />I'm all for there being a place to allow people to seek attention, coddle and other "short term" types of support - but there also needs to be room for there to be a place based around more indepth, growth based support, too.<br /><br />And there needs to be more awareness that just because you may think I look less sick than your friend, it doesn't mean you are right -- and maybe it doesn't even matter. I deserve support every bit as much as anyone else, and that's not contingent on how well or unwell I am. What matters is that I am here, I am asking for it, and I deserve it because I am human.<br /><br />How about you? How would you balance the need for differing levels of recovery to receive the support they require/deserve?Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-40121169795885774432014-06-05T15:31:00.003+10:002014-06-05T15:31:31.142+10:00Physical Health With Mental Health ObstaclesWe all know the old saying, that if you eat less calories than you expend, you will lose weight, but it's not always that easy. Metabolism, medications you may be on, previous attempts to lose weight, mindsets, thoughts and personal challenges all play a part in complicating the issue.<br /><br />Today I want to talk about healthy weight loss, something that seems simple but is fraught with traps, tricks and complications, especially for those of us with a mental health condition.<br />
<br />
Those of you who know me may be aware that a couple of years ago, I was well on the way to developing a mixture of anorexia and bulimia. I all but stopped eating, and I worked out excessively. Bumface helped me get a handle on it when we first got together, and for two years, my weight stayed relatively stable (give or take a few kg).<br /><br />Alas, just before Christmas, I went on some antipsychotic medications, and since then, my weight has steadily increased. It got to a point where we decided enough was enough, and I signed up for the gym.<br /><br />So here's where I'm at now:<br />
<ul>
<li>I visit the gym at least three times a week, spending less than an hour there.</li>
<li>Weights no more often than every second day; cardio every time. </li>
<li>I haven't made huge changes to my eating (though I have minimised the junk), so I'm having 2 or 3* meals a day, of reasonable healthfulness. For example, today I had weetbix for breakfast, lite sweet & sour (made at home from a jar) chicken & veggies for lunch, and a ham & salad wrap (spinach wrap) will be dinner. </li>
<li>For the most part, I only drink no added sugar weak cordial (usually just to take my meds with), Coke Zero and water.</li>
<li>I'm going to be getting Bumface to do my measurements into a special notebook specifically for that purpose.</li>
</ul>
<br />
It's too soon to see big changes, especially as I know I'll be building muscle at the gym, but I think I'm on the right track.<br />
<br />
<br />*I'm currently spending between 12 and 14 hours in bed every day, so I think smaller meal numbers are reasonable, given my lack of energy (and no, they're not the reason I have a lack of energy).<br /><br />What I want to know is what do you do to help yourself stay on track with healthy weight loss and/or just taking care of your body? How do you balance any tendency you have towards overdoing it, with the need to make sure you're doing 'enough'?Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-55204911160503448582014-06-02T17:06:00.002+10:002014-06-02T18:33:51.667+10:00ResurrectionHello friends, it's been a long time. While Dialectic Dichotomy has sat, gathering dust, I've been doing lots of growing. My focus has moved from primarily mental illness, to general life and all the things I'm passionate about.<br />
<br />
One of those things is, of course, mental illness, and recovery, and that hasn't changed. I've been running a group over on Facebook for Australians with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's really taken off. (Do let me know if you'd like to check it out - we have a strict pro-healthy policy and a great group of people.)<br />
<br />
In the same vein, I feel it's time to resurrect DD and continue that growth - as well as sharing it with others. I hope to share exercises and activities with things to think about, as well as my thoughts and challenges as I face what comes. They won't be Borderline specific, of course - many will be applicable to overcoming abuse, or simply living with mental illness in general, or sometimes just whatever life's thrown my way. I do encourage you all to join in -- chat with me in the comments, take part in the challenges and activities, and let's grow together.<br />
<br />
For today, why don't you share one thing that's going well for you today or this week? It doesn't need to be a big thing, though it can be!Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-30845518334341927102013-11-28T10:59:00.001+10:002013-11-28T10:59:21.317+10:00Diagnostic Criteria take 2Oh look, I'm still here. ;)<br /><br />I thought it was time to take a look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD again, especially now that the criterion themselves have been changed. This is mainly for myself.<br />
<br /><br />
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:<br />
<br />
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):<br />
a.
Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable
self-image, often associated with <b>excessive self-criticism</b>; chronic
feelings of emptiness; <b>dissociative states under stress</b>.<br />
b. <strike>Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.</strike><br />
<br />
AND<br />
<br />
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):<br />
a. Empathy:
<strike>Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others
associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel
slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.</strike><br />
<br />
b.
Intimacy: <b>Intense</b>, <strike>unstable, and conflicted </strike>close relationships<strike>,
marked by mistrust, </strike>neediness, and <b>anxious preoccupation with real or
imagined abandonment</b>; close relationships often viewed in extremes of
idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement
and <strike>withdrawal.</strike><br />
<br /><br />
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains:<br />
<br />
1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:<br />
a.
Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood
changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of
proportion to events and circumstances.<br />
<br />
b. Anxiousness: <b>Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic</b>,
often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative
effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative
possibilities; <b>feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty</b>; fears of falling apart or losing control.<br />
<br />
c.
<b> Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by - and/or separation from
- significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and
complete loss of autonomy.</b><br />
<br />
d. <b>Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; </b>pessimism about the future<b>; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.</b><br />
<br />
<br />
2. Disinhibition, characterized by:<br />
<br />
a.
Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to
immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or
consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a
sense of urgency and <b>self-harming behavior under emotional distress.</b><br /><br />
b. <strike>Risk taking:
Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging
activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of
concern for one's limitations and denial of the reality of personal
danger.</strike><br />
<br />
3. Antagonism, characterized by:<br />
<strike>a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.</strike><br />
<br />
<br />
C.
The impairments in personality functioning and the individual's
personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and
consistent across situations.<br />
<br />
<br />
D. The impairments in personality
functioning and the individual's personality trait expression are not
better understood as normative for the individual's developmental stage
or socio-cultural environment.<br />
<br />
<br />
E.
The impairments in personality functioning and the individual's
personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct
physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-74177284548487568452013-02-03T07:30:00.000+10:002013-02-03T07:30:01.149+10:00Sanguine Sunday: A Look Back On JanuaryI have been a busy girl lately, with lots going on in my life. Some good, some bad, some neither. This is a bit of a wrap up of what's going on here at the moment, what I'm involved in & what I've been up to (with links).<br />
<br />
Sanguine Saturday has now moved to Sanguine Sunday and evolved (yes, again) a little. I admit, the new title is slightly less impressive in its alliteration, but makes up for it by being the very end of the week, and a perfect day to look back on what I'm achieving. I think, too, that rather than being a weekly look, I'm going to make it a monthly one.<br />
<br />
<br />
* I've worked really hard on setting a couple of new routines that, while still not solid, are beginning to improve. [Health +1]<br />
<br />
* Made it to a friend's 30th birthday party earlier in the month. It was terrifying, but also fun, and I had lots of practice talking to strangers. [Social +1, Emotional +1]<br />
<br />
* Coffee (well, alright. Milkshake. And not the kind you get in the UK, either. A real, proper milkshake.) with my support worker once. Nervewracking and I didn't have to even order it. Next time I suspect we're stepping it up so that I do have to order myself. [Social +1, Emotional +1]<br />
<br />
* Since my volunteer work with Peninsula Animal Aid, the nearest animal shelter to me, hasn't worked out due to the distance (among other things), I've begun volunteering over Facebook for an entirely volunteer run organisation that helps to reunite lost animals with their owners. If you're an Australian on facebook, take a look at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lostpetregistersinAustralia" target="_blank">Lost Pet Registers in Australia</a> to find your local LPR. At the moment I'm coordinating/helping out on several pages in Queensland and New South Wales. [Social +1, Emotional +1]<br />
<br />
* Poor old Sid, the car, has cracked it again, and requires yet more work. The mechanic's full up with vehicles at the moment, so we're still waiting to hear what's happening with that.<br />
<br />
* Unfortunately, because the car's broken, I had to contact the man who was supposed to be selling me my puppy (30th birthday present), and he has sold her on to someone else. (Actually, the way he replied made it seem rather suspiciously like he was already planning to sell her out from underneath us!)<br />
<br />
* A silver lining on not having been able to get 'my' puppy is that I was available to overnight foster a pup in an emergency situation, and it has reignited a spark in me for fostering. Without a car, getting my own dog isn't really much of an option, but some of the shelters etc here do offer transport for fostering, so after confirming with my housing guys, I've applied in several places. My first official foster dog, a Jack Russell cross Mini Foxie should arrive early next week and I'm very excited! [Social +1, Emotional +1]<br />
<br />
* My deviantArt account, <a href="http://bloodawni.deviantart.com/">bloodawni</a>, continues to grow, and I'm even beginning to make some friends on the site. Feel free to check it out and +watch me, fave something, or just leave a comment. If you have your own dA account, definitely share your link! [Social +1, Creativity +1]<br />
<br />
* Since I'm participating in NaHaiWriMo, I went looking for a group collating entries together. Since there didn't appear to be such a group, I created one myself. If you're taking part, or if you just like haikus, please feel free to join or watch <a href="http://nahaiwrimo.deviantart.com/">#NaHaiWriMo</a>. [Social +1, Creativity +2]<br />
<br />
* Over on From Another Angle, I've not done so well at regular photos, but I have at least made <a href="http://bloophotos.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/sphynx.html">another entry</a>, and have already worked out what to put up next week. [Social +1, Creativity +1]<br />
<br />
<br />
(Social: 7<br />
Emotional: 4<br />
Health: 1<br />
Creativity: 4)<br />
<br />
Have a great Sunday, everyone!Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-44040942718066590052013-01-27T10:38:00.000+10:002013-01-27T10:38:50.580+10:00Wild WeatherHere in Queensland, we're once again having some pretty wild weather, but January is definitely the month for it, so it's at least not entirely unexpected. Two years ago, the majority of the state was under water -- including our capital, Brisbane -- due to extreme flooding, and although the pollies are assuring us all that we are not facing that situation again this year, things aren't looking good.<br /><br />We've an ex-tropical cyclone heading down Queensland and into NSW, and in addition to the usual havok that causes, we're actually having mini tornados appear along the coast. Yesterday, several mini tornados hit the Bundaberg area, and really that's why I'm writing my post today.<br />
<br />
You see, when I was a kid, my dad took us kids camping on Mon Repos beach in Bundaberg (before they closed it off as a turtle sanctuary). Shortly after that, he bought a block of land in a small town known as Burnett Heads, which is about half an hour north of Bundaberg. At first he just had a tin shed on the land, but eventually he and his wife had a house built so we could all stay there on holidays, which we did so often that I have a lot of nice childhood memories of the area.<br /><br />Yesterday, 2 of the 5 (or it might even have been 6) mini tornados to hit the region occured in Burnett Heads. Since I don't have contact with my father, I haven't heard whethr his holiday home was one of those destroyed/damaged or whether he was up there and is one of the injured people.<br /><br />And part of me hopes so. Part of me thinks, that's karma!<br /><br />It's a pretty small part, to be fair, and there's a much larger part of me that feels guilty for even thinking that way, let alone how unfair that would be for karma -- after all, what about all the other Bundy citizens who didn't deserve it? But I'd be lying by omission if I didn't admit to those thoughts.<br />
<br /> <br />
I'm shaken by the idea that only two years after the massive destruction the floods caused, Queenslanders are in for another rough time. I'm shaken that places I know and love are suffering such damage, and that this extreme weather is so close to 'home'. In all, I think there have been 6 or 7 confirmed mini tornados over the past 24 hours, and one of them was only about half an hour away, though we were lucky not to see any damage from it here.<br />
<br /> <br />
Mostly, I'm stirred up about my own past and my thoughts, and I feel pretty alone in it.<br /> Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-64884165124634485442013-01-04T18:55:00.001+10:002013-01-04T18:55:28.816+10:002013: "Connect" - goal breakdown.This started out as a response to a blogging friend, Tracie at <a href="http://www.fromtracie.com/" target="_blank">From Tracie</a>, on her One Word <a href="http://www.fromtracie.com/2013/01/one-word-act.html" target="_blank">post for 2013</a>. I was probably halfway through my comment when I realised that I may as well take part in <a href="http://oneword365.com/" target="_blank">One Word</a> this year myself.<br />
<br />
But, since I'm me and can't ever seem to manage to do things quite exactly as intended ;) (you'd think I'm a trend-setting, boundary-breaking, rule-bucker or something, if I did it on purpose), I'm going to actually detail what I see my word as meaning for me and my goals this year. Don't misunderstand though -- these aren't resolutions by any means, merely goals and 'directions' for 2013.<br />
<br />
<br />
My word for 2013, based on the goals I've been setting in place with my support worker and other personal goals I've decided on lately, will be "connect". Pretty much all of my goals fit with the word "connect" in some form, even if not in the most obvious way.<br />
<br />
Not only do I want to grow by making connections between past experiences and current behaviours/thoughts/reactions (and then working to change them), but I want to build friendships and connections with people as much as I can this year (especially building up a local friendship base). I also want to strengthen my connection with myself, by doing things that I enjoy and that are good for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
So, because pinning goals down makes them more achievable (for me), let's look in more concrete terms about what that all will mean for the next year, and what my goals actually are. (Plus, this way I'll be able to revisit them more easily and keep myself on track for following them!)<br />
<br />
Social Connections:<br />
<ul>
<li>Build friendships in my local area. This is one my support worker and I are working on together, and we're still ironing out the details, because it seems that meeting people isn't the problem - it's moving beyond "you're a 'stranger' I chat to" into "you're a friend".</li>
<li>Build/maintain social connections outside of the local area. This one's got several parts to it: making sure I'm using my energy wisely and connecting with the 'right' people (those who add to my life); committing more fully to blogging again (posting and replying); and building social networks in some of the places I frequent online (more on this one further down).</li>
<li>Connect with my chosen family. I would hope I strive to do this anyway, but an extra reminder to myself can't hurt. I want to get back into regular "date" activities with Bumface, exploring the local/semi-local area, and as our family grows & changes, so will the ways in which we connect.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Emotional & Health Connections:<br />
<ul>
<li>Connect with the positive things in life. Not only do my blogs (and my general nature) help me do this, but Bumface and I are keeping a "2013 <a href="http://cocoaflower.com/tag/mason-jar/" target="_blank">Positive Experiences" Jar</a> (thanks <a href="http://pinterest.com/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>!). I already added my first entry. :D</li>
<li>Deal with the past, the present, the future. We're working towards getting me into DBT again, and perhaps after that maybe back into some specific sexual assault counselling.</li>
<li>Work towards sorting out my teeth.</li>
<li>Work on being able to eat in public/around people. (For those who don't know, I have a bit of a weird thing about eating in that I'm fine with complete strangers or those I know extremely well, but am usually otherwise uncomfortable to the point of avoidance.) </li>
</ul>
<br />
Creative & Self Connections:<br />
<ul>
<li>Read more. I intend to read at least 110 books in 2013.</li>
<li>Add to my DeviantArt collection with works both new and old. Get back to posting to both my Photography and Creativity blogs. (Photography blog was updated yesterday, in fact.)</li>
<li>Be more creative: make more cards and experiment with old and new artforms that I enjoy.</li>
<li>Spend more time exploring things and places that inspire and uplift me. </li>
</ul>
<br />
The first two categories are the main part of my focus this year, but I certainly don't intend to neglect my "for fun" group either!<br /><br />How about you, do you have any goals or resolutions for your 2013? Are you trying the <a href="http://oneword365.com/" target="_blank">One Word</a> idea, or something totally different, or nothing at all?Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-86249847915639917832012-12-30T11:56:00.000+10:002012-12-30T11:56:46.501+10:00From a Once-Ghost to a Now-GhostMy support worker suggested that I might find it helpful to write a letter to my 12 year old self whose mother sent her to live with her (abusive) father after a fight.<br />
<br />
Everything in the letter below is true and accurate as my perception of the events (and I'm fairly sure, true and accurate as to the facts as well), although I did take slight creative licence on the ages as I won't actually be 30 for another two weeks. My niece, though, really is 12, and does shout the same thing I told my mother.<br />
<br />
This is, at this stage, still a first draft. I promised my support worker I wouldn't edit the original minus small rearrangements until after she had read it, and I find that after such an emotional outpour, I'm reluctant to reread and edit just yet. I wanted to share it, anyway, though.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You view me as a wisp, an ethereal image hazy with what might be but I can see that you are a stamp of yesterday as indelible as octopus ink. You are in my eyes, and under them, in the depths of who I am. You will be changed, soon, by a moment that falls heavy around your shoulders even as it darts away.<br />
<br />
When it happens, you will know that nothing will ever be the same, but you won't know how much this moment will become part of you. You won't know that for another 15 years, when you will revisit this moment in the hospital, undressing yourself and folding the adult part of you on the chair for later. Nakedly you will tell the nurse how it feels to be vulnerable and left to his mercy.<br />
<br />
You will remember what you shouted, and you will remember slamming the door. You will remember the first time you ever heard her swear was that day, and she was calling you a bitch. You will remember the terror you felt when you realised she was calling your father, and you will remember begging her not to send you away. You will remember that you heard your little brother plead your case, and though you won't remember her reply, you will remember the tight way she speaks, and the sinking of that balloon of hope in your chest as she gets on the phone and tells him to come and get his daughter.<br />
<br />
Unaccountably, you will remember the day when you were small and one of your brothers had placed a sandwich into the VCR. You will remember another phone call, to the Police (or so you still believe), and the certainty with which she tells you all that they are coming to fingerprint and take away the guilty party. You remember knowing it wasn't you, deducing it was one of your brothers and not knowing which. You remember you begged them each separately to confess, that you would not be torn through the middle; two magnetic poles no longer touching. Years later, when you remember that other moment, you will remember this one, and you will also remember that picture in your mind, of a small face peering out the back of a terrifyingly large vehicle. In your dreams, that face will be yours.<br />
<br />
You won't remember whether it all happened slowly, as if you are stuck in time; or if the inevitability of it all sped you through to its conclusion. You won't remember what this fight was even about, but you'll remember that you didn't mean what you shouted and you both knew it.<br />
<br />
You will remember her giving you a bag and telling you to pack your things, and you'll remember only that you sat stiffly in the car, cradling your stereo, and that you cried the whole way to your father's.<br />
<br />
Years from now, you will remember, also, some of the aftermath as well, like the day your mother tells you she has antidepressants now. By the time you are 14, you will know this is your fault, and she will confirm it.<br />
<br />
By then, you won't remember whether you gave any thought to the friends you left behind, but you will discover that when you return, most of them will remember you. Some of them will reclaim you, but Kylie, with whom you shared a birth month and with whom you were close, will never forgive you for leaving her behind. You won't mind because you aren't the same girl anymore, but you will regret the bullying that follows as she gradually steps up the levels of violence.<br />
<br />
Still, you will survive and you will believe you are mainly unscathed. You will believe for many years that your mother is the good one. You will believe that all of this will disappear, fade into the background of who you are. You will believe that it is all your fault.<br />
<br />
You will believe it, but it won't be true.<br />
<br />
You are twelve years old. Twelve. You don't know it now, but when you are 30, you will have a 12 year old niece, and you will see in her the same streak of independence you had at her age. You will hear her shout those same words to her father, to her mother, to her grandmother... to you. You will see past them and know that they are words that come from a place of anger, but mostly from a place of hurt and confusion.<br />
<br />
You will know that if anyone tries to send her away, it will not be her fault, and it will not be a reflection on the value of that 12 year old girl trying to make her way in a world that is often confusing and scary. You will know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful and amazing and wonderful, and that even when she makes mistakes, she is still all of those things.<br />
<br />
You will know that no matter what the world throws at her, she will always have value. At 30, you will begin making connections between that 12 year old and the you that was 12. You will write yourself this letter, and in the writing, you will begin to let go of the shadow that has followed you for 18 years, because you will begin to see that at 12, you are still a child. At 12, you are a child who cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult. You are not the cause of your mother's illness, and though you may have exacerbated it without knowing or intending that, it is still not your fault.<br />
<br />
You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You have been changed by this moment, and you will be changed by many more that are to come, until you become the 30 year old writing this letter. You will look in the mirror one day and though your hair is greying and your skin wrinkles like unironed sheets, you will see, still, the stamp of who you were; the stamp of moments; lived, loved and regretted; all over the solidity of who you are. Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-75380464913078527162012-12-26T17:10:00.002+10:002012-12-26T17:10:20.626+10:00Dichotomous ChristmasI know I'm now too late to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not.<br />
<br />
My day... was a day of firsts, and a day of tradition. It was a day of great happiness, but it was a day edged with grief and regret. Unusually for me, it was also a day of healing and growth - though I don't expect to see concrete results of that any time soon. Finally, it was a day of learning. Most of the things I learned were small things, it's true, but small things add up and gradually become bigger things.<br />
<br />
Although Bumface and I began dating shortly before Christmas last year, I spent most of the day with my biological family, only meeting up with him at the end of the day. Normally, we would go to my brother's for Christmas, but this year I made the decision early on that I wouldn't be doing that. Bumface isn't comfortable with my family (and given the way they've treated us both, I certainly understand why), and I didn't want us to be apart for Christmas, so we decided to have it here -- that way, too, we could invite Baby Bear to join us, as well as any other friends/chosen family with nowhere else to go. We did invite my mother and Jerry, (her best friend who has been like a father to myself and my brothers) especially as it's the first Christmas my younger brother hasn't been here for, but they declined to join us. As a result, not only was this my first real Christmas with my partner... it was my first Christmas ever without a single member of my biological family.<br />
<br />
This year, I pulled together some of my favourite Christmas traditions from my childhood, and I made a few changes where appropriate, to create a Christmas that would work for us. I decorated, with the help of Baby Bear and her friend. I put together 3 stockings (one each for myself, Bumface and Baby Bear). I made my favourite Christmas recipes (minus the trifle which I'll be making once we've eaten some more of the food we already have left over). Baby Bear joined us and we enjoyed plenty of nibblies as we exchanged gifts. After a brief rest, we had my family's traditional salad lunch. All my favourites from my childhood were there, and a few others I've picked up through the years were added as well.<br />
<br />
It was a good day, but there were still things I missed. Mostly, I missed my nieces and my nephew. Without them, the chatter of children was missing, and the magic (and the laughter!) that brings to Christmas was a small wound in the day. It left me aching a little for my own little girl and boy.<br />
<br />
I didn't miss calling my father and wishing him a Merry Christmas, but I wish I could say I didn't feel guilt over it.<br />
<br />
This year, I learned, as I learn over and again, that some wounds don't heal. I learned, as I learn over and again, that family is about so much more than who gave birth to whom. I learned, as I wish I'd realised earlier, that coleslaw dressing and caesar salad dressing are not interchangable (worst coleslaw EVER). I learned, as I think we all wish I'd learned before making the pasta salad, that regular peas should be shelled. I learned, as I learn over and again, that just as there can be sadness in the midst of beauty... there also can be beauty in the midst of sadness.<br />
<br />
This year, I was shown that there are some truly amazing and wonderful people in my life, and I am blessed to know them. I was shown that there are some people in my life who maybe don't deserve the amount of time and love I offer them, as they are unwilling to offer much in return... but there are some who deserve everything I can give and so, so much more.<br />
<br />
I hope I do enough that those people know who they are, that they see I understand and appreciate just how much they enrich my life and how deeply grateful I am for all they do for me. They are my chosen family, and although not all of them could join me physically for Christmas, they were all in my heart yesterday, as they are every day, and are ever welcome at my table.<br />
<br />
Happy Holidays, my friends.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-29237736374682703972012-12-15T10:19:00.000+10:002012-12-15T10:19:36.999+10:00Even A Knife-Wielding Maniac Can Illustrate GrowthYesterday, I went to an event held by Open Minds, and came home expecting everybody to be out. After I turned around and locked the door, without even having a cursory look around the room, I turned back to discover a "knife-wielding maniac" standing right in front of me.<br />
<br />
Confronted with a similar situation a week ago, the 18yo daughter stood still and screamed. And darn near wet herself. I would have expected that to be my reaction as well. Instead I stood stock still with quite a surprised look on my face and just froze. Completely and utterly. And then my eyes adjusted, I saw who it was... and I laughed.<br />
<br />
Since the "knife wielding maniac" was, in both instances, Bumface, I posted about the prank on Facebook as I internally processed all the positive things I had learned from it. Unfortunately, some of my friends seemed to feel that because they didn't find it amusing, I couldn't (or shouldn't?) have, either and I now have a lot to process around that.<br />
<br />
But.. between the prank and the Facebook fall-out, I've learned and cemented a few new/emerging thoughts and truths for myself.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. My eyes might be getting worse and I should probably have them tested. To be perfectly honest, I didn't even *see* the knife until after I recognised Bumface. :p<br />
<br />
2. I have grown so much, emotionally, over the last year. I knew that, but this prank really illustrated to me just HOW much, and I'm so proud of that in myself.<br />
<br />
3. Despite this growth, in an emergency situation, my instinct is still to freeze. This is probably not the best plan in most situations, so I need to practice forms of self defense (or at least fleeing!) enough that they become second nature as much as freezing.<br />
<br />
4. Some of my actions when I believe I'm alone put me at risk. It is a good practice to be aware of my surroundings when I enter a room, to at least make a quick check that everything is in order. I don't mean a paranoid examination of every corner of the house, but a cursory check that there isn't a crazy man less than two feet from me is probably a smart move. ;)<br />
<br />
5. I have a great deal of deep trust for Bumface. Not many people could stand in front of me, holding a knife, and still make me feel safe once I recognise them.<br />
<br />
6. I don't believe in "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all" - but I believe in something that (I feel) fits that grey a little better. "If you can't say something constructive, then you shouldn't say anything at all" because, let's face it, sometimes it's necessary to say something that isn't nice. If your best friend is dating an abusive jerk, you should probably tell her you can see that he's abusing her and you're there for her. Now, that's probably not the nicest thing to say -- but better to say it than let her think what he's doing is okay because everybody's seeing it and nobody's speaking up!<br />
<br />
7. I don't need other peoples' approval as strongly as I used to. I am still deeply hurt by the disapproval and rejection I felt/feel about reactions I received to my post, but there is not so strong a sense of "well, maybe I did something wrong" - now it's a sense that I'm sad that people can't just be glad that I'm in a relationship that makes me happy, is good for me, and has allowed me to grow so much. Still, out of pond muck, lillies grow.<br />
<br />
<br />
Most of all, I cemented that this relationship really HAS been very good for me over the past year. I didn't doubt it, but it is still nice to have solid confirmation of the ways in which he has helped me to grow. I only hope I've been as good for him as he has for me.<br />
<br />
(And that I can come up with a damn good retaliation prank...)Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-80492081343699358712012-12-10T10:24:00.000+10:002012-12-10T10:24:12.556+10:00Sanguine Satur-Sun-Monday: 7 Shades of GratitudeSanguine Monday doesn't have anywhere near the ring of Sanguine Saturday or Sunday. I should let that be a lesson to me and make sure I post these things up on the weekends so I don't get stuck with a title devoid of such fun alliteration.<br />
<br />
(But, let's face it, I probably won't. I'm just rubbish at remembering what day it is most of the time.)<br />
<br />
<br />
It's been a while again, hasn't it? Luckily, I am much practiced at jumping in where I left off, no matter how long ago that was, so without further ado, here are today's 7 Shades of Gratitude.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Decorating with others who enjoy Christmas as well.<br />
2. Productive quiet time.<br />
3. Deliciously warm weather.<br />
4. Exploring new forms of poetry.<br />
5. Grocery totals that come to less than expected.<br />
6. New shoes! (Even if I do need to dye them black.)<br />
7. Exploring new/old places with people we love.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-20695298866724511892012-12-04T18:35:00.000+10:002012-12-04T18:35:15.634+10:0030 Tuesday Truths: TwoWhile wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at <a href="http://asthependulumswings.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/30-days-of-truth/">As The Pendulum Swings</a>. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Day 02 : Something you love about yourself</b><br />
<br />
This one is harder than I thought it would be, to be perfectly honest. Don't get me wrong, I figured I'd have trouble with it -- but I thought I wouldn't be able to think of anything I even like about myself, let alone finding several I had trouble choosing between!<br />
<br />
I could have gone with the colour of my eyes (blue-grey-changeable). I could have gone with my ability to enjoy things I'm not good at (like backyard spots, or singing, or dancing). I could have gone with how family oriented I am or how much love I have to give/share with people. There were several other ideas I entertained as well, but I am starting to feel a bit like I'm 'tooting my own horn' here, so I won't list them all. The point is, there's actually a fair bit about myself I've learned to, if not love, at least like. And some days I do even love those aspects of myself.<br />
<br />
I could have gone with any of those things above (or the unspecified ones, of course) but instead I've chosen to go with my innocence, (child-like/childish ness) and naivety, in most of its aspects. I know a lot of people don't appreciate this in me, and others see it as a wall or mask I wear, but this is, quite frankly, one of my favourite things about myself.<br />
<br />
I love that the small things interest and amuse me because I haven't let go of that part of myself. I love that it takes so little to make me happy (aside from my mental illnesses). I love that this part of me allows me to see beauty in things that others look right past. I love that I get excited about big events like Christmas or seeing snow for the first time, and that I also still get excited about the little events like seeing a puppy being taken for a walk or receiving a letter in the mail. I love that I haven't lost the ability to create, imagine and play.<br />
<br />
I love that I have not allowed my past to blind me to the love, happiness and beauty that is in this world.<br />
<br />
How about you, what is it you like or love about yourself? I challenge you to find at least one thing and either comment it or write it on your own blog (and comment your link!). :)Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-86350007778137304972012-11-23T06:33:00.000+10:002012-11-23T06:33:50.562+10:00(7 Years After) Losing A BabyAs a woman, when a pregnancy ends and there is no baby to hold, it can feel like your world has literally exploded into nothingness around you. It can feel like there is no hope left in the world. It can feel like you'll never know happiness again.<br />
<br />
I know because it happened to me seven years ago when I miscarried and lost my daughter, Elyssami Faith. It felt like my soul was being torn from my body along with my baby.<br />
<br />
After 7 years, that morning and the first few days that followed are still etched in my memories as vivid as if it were happening now. It's not something I think I'll ever forget, just like I won't forget how much love I felt for that little life growing inside me.<br />
<br />
There are some things I wish I could forget, like how I went to work that day and all I could do was cry; or how the physical agony ripped through me as my body let go of everything that had kept her alive; or how my own husband created deep emotional wounds asking if I was "over it" two days later and told me he was glad I had lost our daughter. Some things are better forgotten but they stay in my mind anyway.<br />
<br />
There are some things I hope I'll never forget, like how it felt to have that little life growing inside me; or what a miracle it was; or how it felt to love so deeply and wholly even before meeting that little person.<br />
<br />
And then there are the things I couldn't keep hold of, just the way I couldn't keep hold of her. That's the thing about a pregnancy that ends without a baby - you don't just lose a baby (as if that wasn't enough on its own). You lose all the hopes and dreams you'd had for her. You lose your sense of safety. You lose some of your innocence. You lose confidence in your body's ability to create and sustain life.<br />
<br />
You lose a part of yourself.<br />
<br />
And then... nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants you to say you had a baby and she died. People don't even want to hear you call a miscarriage a baby, let alone help you honour and remember her. Nobody wants to acknowledge you as a mother, like you don't deserve membership into that special club because your baby never kept you up crying all night -- but they don't realise, she did. The only difference is that it wasn't her crying, it was you.<br />
<br />
I've been told that given enough time, all wounds will heal. I don't believe it. After seven years, though, I do believe that we learn how to live around the wounds. You don't get over losing your baby - it's not a hill you get to climb and when you're at the top you get a great view - that's not how it works. It isn't a gap you can fill, a wound you can heal - there is a piece of you and a piece of your life that is and always will be missing.<br />
<br />
The thing is, though, you don't have to get over it. You just have to get through it, accept it, learn to cope with it... and live around it.<br />
<br />
I'll never forget my daughter. I don't want to. However brief it was - she lived. She was loved. She deserves to have her name spoken, to be remembered and loved. And she will be because I am her mother and I will always love and remember her.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-28131082415569727802012-11-20T10:34:00.002+10:002012-11-20T10:36:08.948+10:00Chrysalis Gets PoliticalAs you all know, this is not a political blog, it never has been and it never will be. Part of that is that, as loathe as I am to admit it, is that politics generally <i>bores</i> me. It's complex, there's maths involved and it involves aspects of the human race that I prefer not to think about in too much depth (like hypocricy and lies!). Another part of the reason I don't usually write about political things is that they generally pass me by. I don't watch the news much, I read newspapers sporadically (and when I do it's usually just the local) and without a car, I don't even listen to the radio.<br />
<br />
<i>However</i>, today I am moved to write about something very political, because what's going on in the world right now makes me both sad and angry. Now, whatever side of the argument you're on, or even if you're smack-bang in the centre - if you don't want to read about women's rights, or feminism, or abortion, then this is your out.<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to get one thing straight before I start. I'm not a feminist. I'm not, and don't think I ever will be, a proper activist or strong advocate for women's rights. Despite what some women have tried to tell me, this isn't a slap in the face to women who ARE feminists. It's like saying I'm not an animal rights activist. I believe in the cause, and I'm grateful for the work that people who are those things do -- but I'm not doing the work, so why should I claim the title?<br />
<br />
It's not that I don't think women are oppressed.<br />
It's not that I don't think there needs to be more equality between genders.<br />
It's not that I don't think things need to change.<br />
<br />
It <i>IS</i> that I am only one person who has other things to focus on.<br />
It <i>is</i> that there are things that are equally important to me that I am more capable of fighting or doing or advocating for.<br />
It <i>is</i> that I do what I can with what I have - and that includes my energy.<br />
<br />
Now that all of that is said and out of the way, I want to talk about how abhorrent I find the situation in Ireland right now. I kept silent all through America's big election - though you better believe that once I heard about the whole rape/abortion side of things, I followed it more closely than I have ever followed an election before, despite not even being American. I kept quiet about that - although not to Bumface, who got to hear a rehashed version of every update I heard - but I cannot keep silent on this.<br />
<br />
Last week, Savita Halappanavar died of blood poisoning 3 days after she began to miscarry in an Irish hospital. This happened because in Ireland, abortion is illegal under all circumstances.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>In case you missed that, let me tell you again. After 3 days of agony, while her body attempted to expel a baby with ZERO chance of survival (she was 17 weeks along), a woman died because hospital staff were not allowed to perform an abortion, despite her pleading.</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyone who knows me knows how badly I wanted my daughter, and how devastated I was to have lost her. They may also know that I find abortion a difficult subject to discuss/hear about, and that I have some pretty strong views on it - even if they don't necessarily know what those views are.<br />
<br />
But even with my daughter's anniversary looming, that time when I am most vulnerable and least likely to accept abortion, I still cannot understand how anyone, on either side of the fence, cannot see the contradiction inherent in "we believe in the sanctity of life" and "we will risk your life for the sake of a foetus with no chance of survival".<br />
<br />
This is not okay. Women's health should not be medically forced to be placed at risk simply because they are carrying a baby. I honestly cannot see how, no matter where you stand on abortion, it can be rationally justified to take away her power to make decisions on <i>her body</i> and the baby/foetus she is growing inside it.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-12052954776690059702012-11-10T12:57:00.002+10:002012-11-10T12:57:52.318+10:00Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of GratitudeApologies on the lack of "promised" blogs - my session with my support worker on the Tuesday following my last post was tougher than I had expected, and by the time I had bounced back enough to blog again, I had other things happening in my offline life that kept me busy and distracted.<br /><br />However, things have settled down on that score again, and though I can't promise I'll be diligent about posting in the next little while, especially as November is always such a difficult month for me, for today, I'm here and I'm ready to go.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't think I have explained on this blog yet, but my partner and I have been under a great deal of financial and emotional strain this year as our pay decreased as soon as we moved in together, leaving us with less spare money than was very comfortable. We were managing up until the point where everything started to need replacing/fixing -- and it really does feel like "everything" is the case! When we were accepted for support with <a href="http://www.openminds.org.au/" target="_blank">Open Minds</a>, Bumface and I were given a separate support person/case manager - and it just happened that Bumface's support worker, (D), has a special focus on housing. Very quickly he began to work with us on getting us into more appropriate housing, and we are now renting through social housing -- which means our rent is almost $150 less per pay, which is a HUGE weight off our shoulders. And, as a side benefit? In this new place, we're allowed to have a pet of up to 10kg... so guess who's planning to get a puppy next year? ;)<br />
<br /><br />Here are today's 7 Shades of Gratitude.<br />
<br />
1. Turning a house (or unit) into a home.<br />
2. Care and concern from unexpected quarters. <br />
3. Unexpected wins on the Melbourne Cup! (Not to mention excitement and cheer!)<br />
4. Opportunities to discuss and pursue a project I've been toying with for a while.<br />
5. Catching up, however briefly, with old friends.<br />
6. Friendly neighbours.<br />
7. Quiet mornings.<br /><br />See you next time.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6486214074384158284.post-90111688071028106252012-10-15T20:55:00.002+10:002012-10-15T20:57:17.136+10:00Wave of Light<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Anyone who's been following a while probably knew what this post was going to be the instant they saw I updated today, but for those of you who don't know what the Wave of Light is, let me explain.<br />
<br />
Approximately 25% of all pregnancies ends in miscarriage, which when combined with rates for stillbirth & deaths that occur shortly after birth, means that 1 in every 3 pregnancies ends in loss. One out of every three families that are beginning to prepare to welcome a new life into the world and their family will instead find themselves saying goodbye far too soon. In honour and remembrance of all the babies lost to pregnancy loss or shortly after birth, people all around the world light a candle at 7pm local time, and leave it burning for at least an hour.<br />
<br />
At the beginning of this post, you can see my candles, rose quartz crystals and a simple 'ornament' I made in grieving the loss of my daughter. This year I have four candles -- the butterfly shaded candle is for my daughter, my son has the simple (undecorated) holder until I find one more suited to him, and the pink & blue butterfly holders are for the female and male children/babies lost around the world.<br />
<br />
For many years this has been a day of heartbreak for me. Such a pointed reminder of the children I've lost has, in the past, left me a little bit broken as I grieve all over again. This year, I'm pleased to say that although the sadness is there (leading me to be perhaps a little more irritable than usual), I am not broken. I grieve but there is peace and hope there.<br />
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And for those of you with Facebook, you're welcome to use this last one as a cover photo if you'd like. <br />
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In love and memory of Elyssami Faith and Mykelti Noah, and all the little children taken too soon.<br />
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Have you or someone in your life suffered a pregnancy or or early infant loss? Please feel free to share your child's name and their story in the comments and know that my heart goes out to you.Chrysalishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17987538360359912475noreply@blogger.com2