Oops (Or The One Where Chrysalis Does Something Stupid)

In fact, oops doesn't even come close to doing my blunder justice. I came back from my holiday a bit mental. Well, to be honest, I came back from my holiday very mental. All the strides I'd made seemed to have disappeared, and I knew that it was at least partially due to my medication no longer working, but it didn't seem to matter.

At that point, nothing seemed to matter.

My holiday had been wonderful. Things weren't perfect - I was still me, after all, with all that that entailed - but I was living life and I was enjoying it. I was tackling my life at a pace that suited me. And almost overnight I went from "okay" back to "very unwell". Despite my mental state, I continued fighting to turn things around. I used the support and encouragement offered by the friend I was staying with, in order to do that.

I should have listened when she suggested I go to the doctor, but I allowed my fear to get in the way. "It'll be okay," I told her. "I'll go when I get back to Brisbane".

The day after I arrived home, I was supposed to go to the art gallery and meet up with friends. Instead, I stayed in bed. That night I started drinking but I went to bed before I threw away my SI-free time. I stayed in bed the next day and most of Sunday as well. I already know that doing that kind of thing is my fast track to misery, but I couldn't bring myself to care. By Sunday night I was a mess. I told myself I could get through this, I could keep it up. I spoke about a decision I was trying to make and I made it, without even realising that's what I was doing. After dinner, with the guilt eating away at me, I started tipping back the vodkas.

While drunk, I managed to pour what must have been pretty much an entire glass of Coke/Red Creaming Soda and vodka into my laptop's keyboard. Unsurprisingly, Lappie was particularly unimpressed and decided not to work for me any more (hence my complete absence for the past week). I got lucky. I've got a friend who fixes laptops as his job - he took Lappie away a couple of days ago and my 'baby' has a new battery and keyboard on order, and a new hard drive installed.

After the escapade with the vodka, I didn't have a choice but to see the doctor on Monday. He prescribed a higher dose of Lexapro and told me he would be away and I should see another doctor this week and he'll see me next Monday.

I've just barely held myself together all week. I didn't go back to see another doctor. I did spend the week trying to get hold of my old DBT coordinator (which I finally managed yesterday) and calling my friend in Canberra.

My increased dosage is now starting to work. I feel myself getting on a more even keel again. I'm crying a little less every day. Once again, I can even believe I'll be okay, I just have to hold on long enough.

Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.