"I fell in love with you while you were still forming in my womb. Now I hold you in my heart instead of my arms." ~Unknown.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I wasn't sure whether I'd post Sanguine Saturday on this day, not even when I started this post, but it feels right to post it. The best way I can honour my children is to live well, not fall apart, and looking at my achievements over the week, and the positive things in my life, are ways of doing that.
So, 'Lyssi and Myk'i, this is for you.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've been keeping up with my exercise and it's showing. I'm much more fit than I was even a few months ago!
I attempted brownies, even if they didn't work. I also made muffins.
I told my doctor the truth, even though it meant narrowing my options.
I haven't cancelled any of my appointments with Sonia, even though several times I wanted to (out of avoidance).
I've spent some time doing creative things this week.
I did my therapy homework even though I absolutely dreaded it.
I'm opening up a bit more to Sonia every time I see her, and every time I do, I discover new ways that she is a really good fit for me.
I finally managed to get to a post office and send a couple of things off.
I reached one of my goals for my body, and am hoping to reach the next one soon.
I've started trying to get back into posting one of my photographs every day over at From Another Angle.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Cayle.
Music.
Good friends.
Torchlight.
Having a psychologist who cares.
QI.
Being more fit.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Other peoples' opinion of me says more about them than me.
This isn't forever. Everything passes eventually.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week! Lua, fern, I'm looking at you ladies in particular! ;)
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Another Saturday rolls around...
After going way too long on way too little sleep (even I have limits!), I asked my new doctor for something to help and he took me off the Pristiq and onto Nortriptyline then gave me some sleeping pills to tide me over. Nortriptyline is a tricyclic AD which is what my mother is on (Dothiepin for her) so I'm very curious about the results of this and vaguely hopeful. Unfortunately this one is one of the ones that takes longer to even begin kicking in, so it's unlikely I'll see results for at least two weeks or more likely, a month.
Success Stories:
No burning.
I've been snacking on healthy food instead of junk.
I've been trying to stay distracted.
I did something extremely difficult that I absolutely did not want to do (but needed to for my own health).
I baked muffins, bread and cake this week. (Not all on the same day!)
Mum's birthday went off brilliantly. She loved her card, her present, the dinner I made and her surprise cake. (And so did everyone else!)
I asked for help with my sleeping.
I let myself have a day off from my walks while I adjusted to the new medication.
I asked permission to photograph Cayle (and got it).
I've spent some time doing creative things this week.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Cayle.
Music.
Torchlight.
QI.
Getting sleep.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements (I've really been struggling with these lately.):
It won't last forever. Everything passes eventually, if we let it.
Forever is a really long time. A lot can change in that amount of time.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
After going way too long on way too little sleep (even I have limits!), I asked my new doctor for something to help and he took me off the Pristiq and onto Nortriptyline then gave me some sleeping pills to tide me over. Nortriptyline is a tricyclic AD which is what my mother is on (Dothiepin for her) so I'm very curious about the results of this and vaguely hopeful. Unfortunately this one is one of the ones that takes longer to even begin kicking in, so it's unlikely I'll see results for at least two weeks or more likely, a month.
Success Stories:
No burning.
I've been snacking on healthy food instead of junk.
I've been trying to stay distracted.
I did something extremely difficult that I absolutely did not want to do (but needed to for my own health).
I baked muffins, bread and cake this week. (Not all on the same day!)
Mum's birthday went off brilliantly. She loved her card, her present, the dinner I made and her surprise cake. (And so did everyone else!)
I asked for help with my sleeping.
I let myself have a day off from my walks while I adjusted to the new medication.
I asked permission to photograph Cayle (and got it).
I've spent some time doing creative things this week.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Cayle.
Music.
Torchlight.
QI.
Getting sleep.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements (I've really been struggling with these lately.):
It won't last forever. Everything passes eventually, if we let it.
Forever is a really long time. A lot can change in that amount of time.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
An October Sanguine Saturday
Yep, it's Saturday again. Whatever I was sick with last week has cleared up leaving me none the wiser to what it was -- but the important part is that I'm better. Between the bug and the giant blister I gave myself (it was a blister on top of a blister on top of a blister...), I pretty much took this week off exercising. I did a little bit, but I majorly toned down my walking for the end half of the week. I'm back to it as of this afternoon, though!
In other news, at my psychology appointment this week Sonia and I discussed a new iniative being bought out by the government here because in November the mental health plan I was on was going to end anyway and she wanted to see me more often than once per week. So I'm being put under a plan called ATAPS which will give me unlimited sessions for the next two months, then I go up for another review and see from there. I feel good about this even though I know it's going to be really intense to have more frequent sessions.
This coming week is my mother's 60th birthday so I've been making plans to get her a really spectacular present and sort out a birthday cake for her that she can eat because she's diabetic. Busy busy!
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I did some walking.
I took a break from my walking when it was made clear to me that I was doing too much while I was ill.
I've been keeping myself busy/distracted as much as I can rather than ruminating.
I spent time chasing my brothers up for my mother's birthday present, and I asked my brothers to do me a favour so I could make mum's birthday cake.
I disclosed some very difficult things during therapy this week.
I baked muffins.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Cayle the puppy whose name I have been spelling wrong. (He came into my therapy session this past week and it was awesome. He's so cute!)
Doing my washing and hanging it out on the line.
Music and singing.
Books.
Good friends.
There are giraffes in the world.
Torchlight and DDO.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not about then. It's not about when. It's about this moment.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
This too shall pass.
It's okay to have emotions, it's okay to feel.
It's okay to have thoughts and opinions. It's even okay to have thoughts and opinions that other people may not agree with.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
In other news, at my psychology appointment this week Sonia and I discussed a new iniative being bought out by the government here because in November the mental health plan I was on was going to end anyway and she wanted to see me more often than once per week. So I'm being put under a plan called ATAPS which will give me unlimited sessions for the next two months, then I go up for another review and see from there. I feel good about this even though I know it's going to be really intense to have more frequent sessions.
This coming week is my mother's 60th birthday so I've been making plans to get her a really spectacular present and sort out a birthday cake for her that she can eat because she's diabetic. Busy busy!
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I did some walking.
I took a break from my walking when it was made clear to me that I was doing too much while I was ill.
I've been keeping myself busy/distracted as much as I can rather than ruminating.
I spent time chasing my brothers up for my mother's birthday present, and I asked my brothers to do me a favour so I could make mum's birthday cake.
I disclosed some very difficult things during therapy this week.
I baked muffins.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Cayle the puppy whose name I have been spelling wrong. (He came into my therapy session this past week and it was awesome. He's so cute!)
Doing my washing and hanging it out on the line.
Music and singing.
Books.
Good friends.
There are giraffes in the world.
Torchlight and DDO.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
It's not about then. It's not about when. It's about this moment.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
This too shall pass.
It's okay to have emotions, it's okay to feel.
It's okay to have thoughts and opinions. It's even okay to have thoughts and opinions that other people may not agree with.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Nobody this week!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sanguine Saturday on Sunday Again
Another long week over, and I got so distracted yesterday I forgot to post this up. I've been sick with something a bit weird that mostly hits at night and leaves me alone through the day every second day (on the other days I feel ill for the whole day), though I have been more tired than normal, particularly at the start of the week. Whatever it is, I'm not a fan! If it continues with the excruciating pain part again tonight, I'll be seeing my new doctor tomorrow to discuss it.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been doing my walking (in between days of "too ill to move").
Connected to the above, I left the house four times last week!
I've been drinking more water!
I've been making better choices on what to watch - QI instead of SVU, for instance.
I stood up to my mother.
I picked up a book I would before have considered myself too stupid to read, and surprised myself by actually being able to follow it quite well so far.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Kale the therapy puppy who kissed my face all over and chewed my chin after my session, making me laugh. (And yes, I know, *germs*. Don't care! Puppy kisses fix EVERYTHING, even if for only a short time.)
Music.
Love (of all kinds).
Playing DDO with someone again.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
A choice between two kinds of abuse isn't really a choice.
It's okay to ask for reassurance when people have said they're willing to give that, and to clarify what was said against what I hear.
It's okay to ask for comfort.
I don't have to be perfect.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
No burning.
I've been doing my walking (in between days of "too ill to move").
Connected to the above, I left the house four times last week!
I've been drinking more water!
I've been making better choices on what to watch - QI instead of SVU, for instance.
I stood up to my mother.
I picked up a book I would before have considered myself too stupid to read, and surprised myself by actually being able to follow it quite well so far.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Good friends.
Kale the therapy puppy who kissed my face all over and chewed my chin after my session, making me laugh. (And yes, I know, *germs*. Don't care! Puppy kisses fix EVERYTHING, even if for only a short time.)
Music.
Love (of all kinds).
Playing DDO with someone again.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
A choice between two kinds of abuse isn't really a choice.
It's okay to ask for reassurance when people have said they're willing to give that, and to clarify what was said against what I hear.
It's okay to ask for comfort.
I don't have to be perfect.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Some weeks are easier than others. This hasn't really been one of those, but it's ending now and that means there's the opportunity for this one to be better. Challenge statements have been very difficult this week and I suspect I might be a little less in rational-thinking mode than I would like.
I started with my new psychologist and am pleased by several things:
1. The therapy centre has a puppy, and my psychologist says she eats lunch with him most days. This is very encouraging.
2. She works with adults AND with children (so I'm thinking she is capable of being gentle).
3. She has worked with prison inmates (so I'm thinking she is capable of being tough).
4. She's capable of seeing through evasions but doesn't jump to conclusions.
Less pleased that she's already leaning towards hospital as an option, but at least she's being upfront about it. We'll see what happens.
I also took part in one of the heats for the National Poetry Slam '11 championship. I may not have won, but just the fact that I performed I think is an amazing achievement for me. I'm pleased and also I'm proud of myself.
Success Stories:
I went to my appointment with the new psychologist.
I went for a couple of decent walks this week.
I got myself signed up at the new medical clinic.
I faced my fear and went to the poetry slam, and then I got up and performed!
Even though I was reluctant, I signed a safety contract of sorts (that I will stick to) with my new psychologist.
Being proud of myself!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Getting to hear everyone else's work at the poetry slam.
Kale the therapy puppy.
Music.
Walking.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Just because somebody is angry doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I started with my new psychologist and am pleased by several things:
1. The therapy centre has a puppy, and my psychologist says she eats lunch with him most days. This is very encouraging.
2. She works with adults AND with children (so I'm thinking she is capable of being gentle).
3. She has worked with prison inmates (so I'm thinking she is capable of being tough).
4. She's capable of seeing through evasions but doesn't jump to conclusions.
Less pleased that she's already leaning towards hospital as an option, but at least she's being upfront about it. We'll see what happens.
I also took part in one of the heats for the National Poetry Slam '11 championship. I may not have won, but just the fact that I performed I think is an amazing achievement for me. I'm pleased and also I'm proud of myself.
Success Stories:
I went to my appointment with the new psychologist.
I went for a couple of decent walks this week.
I got myself signed up at the new medical clinic.
I faced my fear and went to the poetry slam, and then I got up and performed!
Even though I was reluctant, I signed a safety contract of sorts (that I will stick to) with my new psychologist.
Being proud of myself!
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Getting to hear everyone else's work at the poetry slam.
Kale the therapy puppy.
Music.
Walking.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Feelings aren't facts.
Just because somebody is angry doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
River of My Verse with Great Things
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
September's Second Sanguine Saturday
Brr, the weather has turned quite cold again here -- really not a fan!
In not so surprising news, I'm still struggling. Last Sunday was Australian Father's Day, and I found myself visiting him as per orders. On the other hand, this time around my stepsister was there with her own family, and I had been somewhat looking forward (with some trepidation) to seeing her again. The aftermath of the visit has been pretty much as normal: depression, withdrawal, increased anxiety and far too many panic attacks - especially when I leave the house on my own.
Things will get better though, they always do eventually, it's just a matter of holding on until then.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've kept all my appointments.
I've lost heart a few times and I've struggled horribly but I haven't actually given up.
I stood up for myself.
I've been trying to ask for what I want/need, and practicing saying no sometimes to things that aren't okay (for whatever reason).
When I started to privately panic about the state of a relationship after finding out I couldn't get something I wanted, I stopped covering it up and told the other person and asked for reassurance that things were okay (and got it).
I cleaned my room.
I finished a scrapbooking double page.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Scrapbooking
Banter
Meaningful conversations
Rereading good fanfic
QI
Having a ticket to see QI live in Brisbane in November
Seeing my nieces and nephew again
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am safe.
The universe does not parcel out a set amount of "me-focus" that is allowed - not in specific relationships or in a general sense.
Feelings are not facts. "I feel worthless" does not mean "I am worthless".
It's okay to ask for reassurance and to check that things are okay.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
In not so surprising news, I'm still struggling. Last Sunday was Australian Father's Day, and I found myself visiting him as per orders. On the other hand, this time around my stepsister was there with her own family, and I had been somewhat looking forward (with some trepidation) to seeing her again. The aftermath of the visit has been pretty much as normal: depression, withdrawal, increased anxiety and far too many panic attacks - especially when I leave the house on my own.
Things will get better though, they always do eventually, it's just a matter of holding on until then.
Success Stories:
No burning.
No drinking.
I've kept all my appointments.
I've lost heart a few times and I've struggled horribly but I haven't actually given up.
I stood up for myself.
I've been trying to ask for what I want/need, and practicing saying no sometimes to things that aren't okay (for whatever reason).
When I started to privately panic about the state of a relationship after finding out I couldn't get something I wanted, I stopped covering it up and told the other person and asked for reassurance that things were okay (and got it).
I cleaned my room.
I finished a scrapbooking double page.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Scrapbooking
Banter
Meaningful conversations
Rereading good fanfic
QI
Having a ticket to see QI live in Brisbane in November
Seeing my nieces and nephew again
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
I am safe.
The universe does not parcel out a set amount of "me-focus" that is allowed - not in specific relationships or in a general sense.
Feelings are not facts. "I feel worthless" does not mean "I am worthless".
It's okay to ask for reassurance and to check that things are okay.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sanguine Saturday
Wow, I can't believe another week's gone by already. This one's been a real challenge, but there's been some really good things to come out of it. Things are still really difficult, but I'm hanging in there.
After seeing a GP yesterday to get a referral to a psychologist and a new MH care plan, I'm back on antidepressants: the doctor was very upset that the psychiatric acute care team had told me not to bother with them because I "don't have depression". Unfortunately so far I'm having some very uncomfortable side effects -- but I think if they work, it'll be worth it, especially as the side effects should lessen over the next couple of weeks.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
To reduce my level of feeling overwhelmed, I've been keeping a loose to-do list.
I kept my appointments.
I weighed up my options and need for support against my boundaries and made a decision about which support worker to work with.
I asked for, and got, what I most needed at the doctors.
I found a way to not lose my nurse when she told me she was leaving my doctor's practice. (So much rather lose my GP than my nurse!)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Being back on medication
Scrapbooking
Some of my photos from my trip are better than I had thought
How I Met Your Mother
QI
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Maybe instead of [interpretation], it means that I will do difficult things if I can see some good that could come out of it. (Thank you Rich!)
Wanting touch with someone, even at this point, says that I crave consolation and safety and comfort and knowing that I'm cared about. It doesn't mean I want or deserve what happened to me. (And again, thank you Rich!)
Feelings aren't facts.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Pixie of Cloud Illusions with What Was Not Wrong Today
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
After seeing a GP yesterday to get a referral to a psychologist and a new MH care plan, I'm back on antidepressants: the doctor was very upset that the psychiatric acute care team had told me not to bother with them because I "don't have depression". Unfortunately so far I'm having some very uncomfortable side effects -- but I think if they work, it'll be worth it, especially as the side effects should lessen over the next couple of weeks.
Success Stories:
No drinking.
To reduce my level of feeling overwhelmed, I've been keeping a loose to-do list.
I kept my appointments.
I weighed up my options and need for support against my boundaries and made a decision about which support worker to work with.
I asked for, and got, what I most needed at the doctors.
I found a way to not lose my nurse when she told me she was leaving my doctor's practice. (So much rather lose my GP than my nurse!)
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Friends
Being back on medication
Scrapbooking
Some of my photos from my trip are better than I had thought
How I Met Your Mother
QI
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Maybe instead of [interpretation], it means that I will do difficult things if I can see some good that could come out of it. (Thank you Rich!)
Wanting touch with someone, even at this point, says that I crave consolation and safety and comfort and knowing that I'm cared about. It doesn't mean I want or deserve what happened to me. (And again, thank you Rich!)
Feelings aren't facts.
It's okay for people to care about me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Pixie of Cloud Illusions with What Was Not Wrong Today
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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