(7 Years After) Losing A Baby

As a woman, when a pregnancy ends and there is no baby to hold, it can feel like your world has literally exploded into nothingness around you. It can feel like there is no hope left in the world. It can feel like you'll never know happiness again.

I know because it happened to me seven years ago when I miscarried and lost my daughter, Elyssami Faith. It felt like my soul was being torn from my body along with my baby.

After 7 years, that morning and the first few days that followed are still etched in my memories as vivid as if it were happening now. It's not something I think I'll ever forget, just like I won't forget how much love I felt for that little life growing inside me.

There are some things I wish I could forget, like how I went to work that day and all I could do was cry; or how the physical agony ripped through me as my body let go of everything that had kept her alive; or how my own husband created deep emotional wounds asking if I was "over it" two days later and told me he was glad I had lost our daughter. Some things are better forgotten but they stay in my mind anyway.

There are some things I hope I'll never forget, like how it felt to have that little life growing inside me; or what a miracle it was; or how it felt to love so deeply and wholly even before meeting that little person.

And then there are the things I couldn't keep hold of, just the way I couldn't keep hold of her. That's the thing about a pregnancy that ends without a baby - you don't just lose a baby (as if that wasn't enough on its own). You lose all the hopes and dreams you'd had for her. You lose your sense of safety. You lose some of your innocence. You lose confidence in your body's ability to create and sustain life.

You lose a part of yourself.

And then... nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants you to say you had a baby and she died. People don't even want to hear you call a miscarriage a baby, let alone help you honour and remember her. Nobody wants to acknowledge you as a mother, like you don't deserve membership into that special club because your baby never kept you up crying all night -- but they don't realise, she did. The only difference is that it wasn't her crying, it was you.

I've been told that given enough time, all wounds will heal. I don't believe it. After seven years, though, I do believe that we learn how to live around the wounds. You don't get over losing your baby - it's not a hill you get to climb and when you're at the top you get a great view - that's not how it works. It isn't a gap you can fill, a wound you can heal - there is a piece of you and a piece of your life that is and always will be missing.

The thing is, though, you don't have to get over it. You just have to get through it, accept it, learn to cope with it... and live around it.

I'll never forget my daughter. I don't want to. However brief it was - she lived. She was loved. She deserves to have her name spoken, to be remembered and loved. And she will be because I am her mother and I will always love and remember her.

Chrysalis Gets Political

As you all know, this is not a political blog, it never has been and it never will be. Part of that is that, as loathe as I am to admit it, is that politics generally bores me. It's complex, there's maths involved and it involves aspects of the human race that I prefer not to think about in too much depth (like hypocricy and lies!). Another part of the reason I don't usually write about political things is that they generally pass me by. I don't watch the news much, I read newspapers sporadically (and when I do it's usually just the local) and without a car, I don't even listen to the radio.

However, today I am moved to write about something very political, because what's going on in the world right now makes me both sad and angry. Now, whatever side of the argument you're on, or even if you're smack-bang in the centre - if you don't want to read about women's rights, or feminism, or abortion, then this is your out.


I want to get one thing straight before I start. I'm not a feminist. I'm not, and don't think I ever will be, a proper activist or strong advocate for women's rights. Despite what some women have tried to tell me, this isn't a slap in the face to women who ARE feminists. It's like saying I'm not an animal rights activist. I believe in the cause, and I'm grateful for the work that people who are those things do -- but I'm not doing the work, so why should I claim the title?

It's not that I don't think women are oppressed.
It's not that I don't think there needs to be more equality between genders.
It's not that I don't think things need to change.

It IS that I am only one person who has other things to focus on.
It is that there are things that are equally important to me that I am more capable of fighting or doing or advocating for.
It is that I do what I can with what I have - and that includes my energy.

Now that all of that is said and out of the way, I want to talk about how abhorrent I find the situation in Ireland right now. I kept silent all through America's big election - though you better believe that once I heard about the whole rape/abortion side of things, I followed it more closely than I have ever followed an election before, despite not even being American. I kept quiet about that - although not to Bumface, who got to hear a rehashed version of every update I heard - but I cannot keep silent on this.

Last week, Savita Halappanavar died of blood poisoning 3 days after she began to miscarry in an Irish hospital. This happened because in Ireland, abortion is illegal under all circumstances.


In case you missed that, let me tell you again. After 3 days of agony, while her body attempted to expel a baby with ZERO chance of survival (she was 17 weeks along), a woman died because hospital staff were not allowed to perform an abortion, despite her pleading.



Anyone who knows me knows how badly I wanted my daughter, and how devastated I was to have lost her. They may also know that I find abortion a difficult subject to discuss/hear about, and that I have some pretty strong views on it - even if they don't necessarily know what those views are.

But even with my daughter's anniversary looming, that time when I am most vulnerable and least likely to accept abortion, I still cannot understand how anyone, on either side of the fence, cannot see the contradiction inherent in "we believe in the sanctity of life" and "we will risk your life for the sake of a foetus with no chance of survival".

This is not okay. Women's health should not be medically forced to be placed at risk simply because they are carrying a baby. I honestly cannot see how, no matter where you stand on abortion, it can be rationally justified to take away her power to make decisions on her body and the baby/foetus she is growing inside it.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of Gratitude

Apologies on the lack of "promised" blogs - my session with my support worker on the Tuesday following my last post was tougher than I had expected, and by the time I had bounced back enough to blog again, I had other things happening in my offline life that kept me busy and distracted.

However, things have settled down on that score again, and though I can't promise I'll be diligent about posting in the next little while, especially as November is always such a difficult month for me, for today, I'm here and I'm ready to go.


I don't think I have explained on this blog yet, but my partner and I have been under a great deal of financial and emotional strain this year as our pay decreased as soon as we moved in together, leaving us with less spare money than was very comfortable. We were managing up until the point where everything started to need replacing/fixing -- and it really does feel like "everything" is the case! When we were accepted for support with Open Minds, Bumface and I were given a separate support person/case manager - and it just happened that Bumface's support worker, (D), has a special focus on housing. Very quickly he began to work with us on getting us into more appropriate housing, and we are now renting through social housing -- which means our rent is almost $150 less per pay, which is a HUGE weight off our shoulders. And, as a side benefit? In this new place, we're allowed to have a pet of up to 10kg... so guess who's planning to get a puppy next year? ;)


Here are today's 7 Shades of Gratitude.

1. Turning a house (or unit) into a home.
2. Care and concern from unexpected quarters.
3. Unexpected wins on the Melbourne Cup! (Not to mention excitement and cheer!)
4. Opportunities to discuss and pursue a project I've been toying with for a while.
5. Catching up, however briefly, with old friends.
6. Friendly neighbours.
7. Quiet mornings.

See you next time.

Wave of Light

Anyone who's been following a while probably knew what this post was going to be the instant they saw I updated today, but for those of you who don't know what the Wave of Light is, let me explain.

Approximately 25% of all pregnancies ends in miscarriage, which when combined with rates for stillbirth & deaths that occur shortly after birth, means that 1 in every 3 pregnancies ends in loss. One out of every three families that are beginning to prepare to welcome a new life into the world and their family will instead find themselves saying goodbye far too soon. In honour and remembrance of all the babies lost to pregnancy loss or shortly after birth, people all around the world light a candle at 7pm local time, and leave it burning for at least an hour.

At the beginning of this post, you can see my candles, rose quartz crystals and a simple 'ornament' I made in grieving the loss of my daughter. This year I have four candles -- the butterfly shaded candle is for my daughter, my son has the simple (undecorated) holder until I find one more suited to him, and the pink & blue butterfly holders are for the female and male children/babies lost around the world.

For many years this has been a day of heartbreak for me. Such a pointed reminder of the children I've lost has, in the past, left me a little bit broken as I grieve all over again. This year, I'm pleased to say that although the sadness is there (leading me to be perhaps a little more irritable than usual), I am not broken. I grieve but there is peace and hope there.

And for those of you with Facebook, you're welcome to use this last one as a cover photo if you'd like.

In love and memory of Elyssami Faith and Mykelti Noah, and all the little children taken too soon.

Have you or someone in your life suffered a pregnancy or or early infant loss? Please feel free to share your child's name and their story in the comments and know that my heart goes out to you.

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Shades of Grateful

This week I'm grateful for:
1. People who go above and beyond their jobs in helping sort out problems.
2. Validation, confirmation and encouragement from my old nurse.
3. Jokes, laughter and easy conversation.
4. Group activities that allow me to socialise while developing new or old skills.
5. Unexpected opportunities.
6. Sunshine and warm weather.
7. Possibilities, excitement and enthusiasm.

30 Tuesday Truths: One

While wandering the internet awhile ago, I came across a 30 Days of Truth blogging challenge/project over at As The Pendulum Swings. Instead of blogging every day, I've decided to take it on on a weekly basis, posting a new question & my answer every week.


Day 01 : Something you're working to change about yourself

Originally, today's topic was "something you hate about yourself", but I wanted to put a more positive spin on it. I don't need an indepth written explanation of what I dislike about myself -- I already know my flaws and would rather work to accept, improve or change them than to continue hating myself for them!

One of the things I've been working hard to change is my reflex to perceived/actual abandonment and rejection. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but it's important that I learn to work with and around it. When I feel like someone's pushing me out of their life, instead of going quietly without questioning it, nowadays I try to at least confirm it first! I still have a long way to go and a lot of work still needs to be done, though.

One of the things I've been doing to bring about this change is to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. If someone appears to be pushing me out of their life, I like to do a reality check -- does it seem that way to others whom I trust? If I were to see it from the outside, such as watching a friend go through it, would I expect the friend to react/feel similarly?

Another thing that helps me is, as I mentioned earlier, confirming it with the person or people involved. I prefer not to do this until after I've had a 'reality check' because I worry that people will find reassuring me too much work if I need it too often, but there are definitely times I would have done better to ask straight out. I'm finding that there are certain circumstances in which I can more easily accept the person's answers as truth/honesty rather than suspecting guilt has played a part (either subconsciously or consciously), so I try to make sure I ask in ways that don't push those buttons, that way I can trust the answers I receive.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to be able to say that I always check in with others and weigh up their possible/probable motivations before I respond to abandonment (perceived or real), and that the negative 'trigger' responses are controlled in their intensity and duration. For now, I can say that there is some progress in coping with the abandonment and the internal responses, but I still definitely wouldn't call it controlled in intensity/duration.


What have you been working on changing for yourself and how have you been doing it?

Sanguine Saturday: 7 Gratitudes

As you've no doubt noticed, Sanguine Saturday is still around. ;) I've decided to change it up a bit, though. I don't need to detail my accomplishments in a list anymore because it's time to focus on bigger things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let myself forget that the smaller accomplishments are what lead to the bigger ones, and I've not lost sight of the value of those small things -- I just no longer need to write them all out to see that I'm accomplishing things, and I imagine a list of accomplishments doesn't make for particularly interesting reading. ;)

However, Sanguine Saturday is a really important thing to and FOR me, and I've found it a valuable recovery tool to boot, so I needed to find a way to keep it. Please bear with me as I design and redefine a new version of Sanguine Saturday that works for my life as it is now.


This week I'm grateful for:
1. Opportunities to meet beautiful new people, like Bumface's friend's mother.
2. That quiet time in the mornings before Bumface wakes, when the day is fresh and new.
3. The gorgeous beaches on Bribie Island.
4. Support people who go above and beyond and really add to my life.
5. New perspectives and opportunities to see things in a different light.
6. Change, growth and strength.
7. The ability to take steps to improve our financial situation (not that it's dire - we don't go hungry!).