It's that time of the week again! It's been a big one for me, both in terms of business and events/changes.
Success Stories:
I've continued resisting my urges to burn.
I had some difficult conversations.
During an in-depth conversation with a friend, it was brought to my attention how far I've come in terms of handling conversations.
I walked away from some toxic relationships.
Going to an AA meeting.
I made my travel wants/needs met with the travel agent and booked my flights!
I took on a spider and won!
I joined a forum to deal with some stuff that I'm ready to take steps on again.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My friends
Having trust placed in me (scary, but awesome too)
My trip!
Giraffes, of course.
Books.
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
So many people would not have put their faith in me if I wasn't capable of doing a good job.
Just like I am responsible for my emotions (as well as thoughts and actions), others are responsible for theirs.
It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
I choose what defines me.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positives
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Jennifer of magnificasti mirabilia with created -- Easter joy
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Big Steps In Little Packages
I took a big step today. A huge step. It took guts. It took courage. It took willpower. It took three times walking in and walking right back out. It took distress tolerance skills and it took truckloads of self-talk and thought challenge... but today, I did something huge.
Today I walked through the doors of a church and attended my first ever Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
I was, to be honest, not entirely with it. I was so overwhelmed that I wound up stressed, confused and dissociated, so approximately only a third of what was said actually translated into understandable sentences. But let me tell you something...
Denial is a funny thing. I decided I would go along because I 'knew' that if I went, I would be proved right. I would go along, I would listen to their stories and I would see that my drinking? Well, it's just not that bad. Nothing like what an alcoholic's drinking is.
I was going through the motions because I 'knew' I was right and if I could show my friends that I'd been to AA and it really wasn't that big a deal, then that would reassure them and everything would be fine.
I didn't count on relating to almost everything I heard. I didn't count on hearing their stories and seeing myself over and over again, hearing my thoughts in someone else's words.
I have a lot to process, a lot to think about, but I wanted to jot this down right here, right now. No matter what happens from here on out, I went to an AA meeting (even if my motives weren't entirely 'pure') and that took real courage; and that, my friends, is huge.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Today I walked through the doors of a church and attended my first ever Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
I was, to be honest, not entirely with it. I was so overwhelmed that I wound up stressed, confused and dissociated, so approximately only a third of what was said actually translated into understandable sentences. But let me tell you something...
Denial is a funny thing. I decided I would go along because I 'knew' that if I went, I would be proved right. I would go along, I would listen to their stories and I would see that my drinking? Well, it's just not that bad. Nothing like what an alcoholic's drinking is.
I was going through the motions because I 'knew' I was right and if I could show my friends that I'd been to AA and it really wasn't that big a deal, then that would reassure them and everything would be fine.
I didn't count on relating to almost everything I heard. I didn't count on hearing their stories and seeing myself over and over again, hearing my thoughts in someone else's words.
I have a lot to process, a lot to think about, but I wanted to jot this down right here, right now. No matter what happens from here on out, I went to an AA meeting (even if my motives weren't entirely 'pure') and that took real courage; and that, my friends, is huge.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Children & Self Harm/Scars
I know that some people feel that self harm needs to be hidden, that those who don't hide their scars merely harm for attention; and I know others that believe self harm should be hidden from children even if there's no shame attached to it. I don't believe that. I think it's important to protect children but I don't think that hiding the dirty parts of reality is the best way to do that.
My family are halfway between those. I know they're ashamed of my scars, and they don't believe I should wear clothing that makes them visible. I know also that my family cares deeply about my nieces and my nephew, that we all want to protect them and give them the best start we can. Unfortunately, those two things together mean that I don't have permission to be honest with my nieces and nephew.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not at all proposing that it would be appropriate or acceptable to tell a toddler that "aunty cuts herself to feel better" or anything of the sort. These things need to be explained in an age appropriate manner, and there are a lot of considerations involved. However, at some point, you have to recognise that a child isn't going to be satisfied with "it was an accident" or an outright lie, and at 10 and 7, the miracle was that my nieces hadn't yet been unsatisified with the answers they were receiving.
I worried, I researched. I told my brother he needed to talk to his (now ex) wife and tell me how much they were comfortable with me sharing. I'm still waiting for the okay, my nieces are still being fobbed off with "I got hurt", and they want more.
I wear an arm sleeve, a leg sleeve, a pair of bike pants and a stomach patch (when I can find it) -- if I want to go, for example swimming, I can't wear any of these. If I want to wash the dishes, I have to take my arm sleeve off... and this is the situation I found myself facing a week ago at my brother's house.
My niece asked a few questions, I answered as best I can given the limitation of sticking to what my brother and his (ex) wife have decreed is acceptable, and my beautiful girl wasn't satisfied. She asked more and more and instead of accepting that his daughter is showing a healthy level of curiosity, my brother sent her to her room because he and I had run out of lies to fob her off with.
I have a response that I am far more comfortable with, I just need permission to use it. In a world where I could get my family to accept that my scars aren't going to disappear, that I don't do this because I like the attention or that I'm out to show the world what a terrible home life I have because I'm a vindictive bitch, I would tell my niece something much closer to the truth. In a world where I have permission to be honest, this is what I would tell my nieces (and maybe my nephew as well):
Remember last time you got sick, and the doctor looked at your throat and listened to your heart to see what was wrong? Sometimes people get sick inside their brain and you can't see it on their bodies. Aunty is sick like that and I have been for a long time. Sometimes it's like I'm not sick at all but sometimes I get very sick and I do things that mean my body gets hurt.
It's age appropriate. It's easy to understand. They can ask questions that I can actually answer in age appropriate ways. Instead of shame and blame, they learn understanding. It opens the door for me to reassure them, and it opens the door for the future when they may deal with mental illness themselves. And above all, it's honest. It means I'm not lying to a child who's going to one day realise and wonder why and what else everyone's lied to her about.
What about you? What are your thoughts on children and SI scars/injuries? What will or have you said to the children in your life about your self harm/scars - or what have you said about someone else's? Does it (or would it) change if you were having to explain new injuries or old scars?
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
My family are halfway between those. I know they're ashamed of my scars, and they don't believe I should wear clothing that makes them visible. I know also that my family cares deeply about my nieces and my nephew, that we all want to protect them and give them the best start we can. Unfortunately, those two things together mean that I don't have permission to be honest with my nieces and nephew.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not at all proposing that it would be appropriate or acceptable to tell a toddler that "aunty cuts herself to feel better" or anything of the sort. These things need to be explained in an age appropriate manner, and there are a lot of considerations involved. However, at some point, you have to recognise that a child isn't going to be satisfied with "it was an accident" or an outright lie, and at 10 and 7, the miracle was that my nieces hadn't yet been unsatisified with the answers they were receiving.
I worried, I researched. I told my brother he needed to talk to his (now ex) wife and tell me how much they were comfortable with me sharing. I'm still waiting for the okay, my nieces are still being fobbed off with "I got hurt", and they want more.
I wear an arm sleeve, a leg sleeve, a pair of bike pants and a stomach patch (when I can find it) -- if I want to go, for example swimming, I can't wear any of these. If I want to wash the dishes, I have to take my arm sleeve off... and this is the situation I found myself facing a week ago at my brother's house.
My niece asked a few questions, I answered as best I can given the limitation of sticking to what my brother and his (ex) wife have decreed is acceptable, and my beautiful girl wasn't satisfied. She asked more and more and instead of accepting that his daughter is showing a healthy level of curiosity, my brother sent her to her room because he and I had run out of lies to fob her off with.
I have a response that I am far more comfortable with, I just need permission to use it. In a world where I could get my family to accept that my scars aren't going to disappear, that I don't do this because I like the attention or that I'm out to show the world what a terrible home life I have because I'm a vindictive bitch, I would tell my niece something much closer to the truth. In a world where I have permission to be honest, this is what I would tell my nieces (and maybe my nephew as well):
Remember last time you got sick, and the doctor looked at your throat and listened to your heart to see what was wrong? Sometimes people get sick inside their brain and you can't see it on their bodies. Aunty is sick like that and I have been for a long time. Sometimes it's like I'm not sick at all but sometimes I get very sick and I do things that mean my body gets hurt.
It's age appropriate. It's easy to understand. They can ask questions that I can actually answer in age appropriate ways. Instead of shame and blame, they learn understanding. It opens the door for me to reassure them, and it opens the door for the future when they may deal with mental illness themselves. And above all, it's honest. It means I'm not lying to a child who's going to one day realise and wonder why and what else everyone's lied to her about.
What about you? What are your thoughts on children and SI scars/injuries? What will or have you said to the children in your life about your self harm/scars - or what have you said about someone else's? Does it (or would it) change if you were having to explain new injuries or old scars?
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sanguine Saturday For Easter
Easter seems to be kicking my butt again this year, but I can SEE that i'm coping better than in the past. Not great, not even well, but better. It's all baby steps.
Success Stories:
I've resisted the urges to burn.
I practiced being assertive.
I allowed myself to feel an extremely uncomfortable feeling for a little while.
I negotiated to get my needs and desires met with my family.
This blog got held up as an example of positive healing techniques!
I got quoted on a post at a popular BPD blog (On The Borderline) -- Change Your Thoughts.
I built mastery by taking my harddrive out of my old laptop and putting it into an enclosure for the new one! (I'm not generally good at that sort of thing and usually leave it to people who know what they're doing.)
I practiced organising, decision making and asking for things.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My friends.
Giraffes!
My upcoming trip.
Spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Crazy autocorrect that turns "requirements" into "Eratosthenes".
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Just because my opinion is different doesn't mean it's wrong.
Situations are what they are. Trying to force them into a different mold doesn't work.
I don't have to be perfect.
I am not responsible for anyone else's thoughts, emotions or actions.
Just because someone is angry or upset with me doesn't mean they don't like me anymore or want out of my life.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Happy Easter to those who celebrate it, and as always take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I've resisted the urges to burn.
I practiced being assertive.
I allowed myself to feel an extremely uncomfortable feeling for a little while.
I negotiated to get my needs and desires met with my family.
This blog got held up as an example of positive healing techniques!
I got quoted on a post at a popular BPD blog (On The Borderline) -- Change Your Thoughts.
I built mastery by taking my harddrive out of my old laptop and putting it into an enclosure for the new one! (I'm not generally good at that sort of thing and usually leave it to people who know what they're doing.)
I practiced organising, decision making and asking for things.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
My friends.
Giraffes!
My upcoming trip.
Spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Crazy autocorrect that turns "requirements" into "Eratosthenes".
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Just because my opinion is different doesn't mean it's wrong.
Situations are what they are. Trying to force them into a different mold doesn't work.
I don't have to be perfect.
I am not responsible for anyone else's thoughts, emotions or actions.
Just because someone is angry or upset with me doesn't mean they don't like me anymore or want out of my life.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Happy Easter to those who celebrate it, and as always take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Return To Sanguine Saturday
Goodness, miss a week and I'm out of practice! Apologies on not having posted a Sanguine Saturday last week, I was hoping to have my laptop problem sorted out and it just didn't happen until the end of the week. Things are still not totally sorted, but I have a brand new shiny (!) to play with. I've not yet managed to transfer over all the little bits and bobs I need/want from my old laptop, but I've got some and I'm waiting on a caddy for my HDD to get the remainder. Things should be back to normal soon, in terms of laptops.
Success Stories:
I've not had any alcohol.
I've not done any burning.
Instead of just being a follower like normal, I actually did a little bit of research into what laptop to buy, and then made an informed decision based on my needs.
I asked for what I wanted (my brother to help me out with my laptop) and negotiated to get it.
I finished up with one of my support people without falling apart. (Gail.)
I handled some important paperwork that I was afraid of dealing with, and then when there was an issue, I handled that too!
I dealt with salespeople and crowds on the same day!
I asked someone to get something of mine returned.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Having a shiny new laptop! (Even better, a shiny new laptop that lets me tab out of my game so I can multitask!)
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Emotions aren't unsafe in and of themselves. It's okay to feel whatever I feel.
No emotion or thought can make me a 'bad person'.
It's okay to make mistakes and be imperfect.
I don't have to be everyone's everything.
Just because someone is angry or upset with me doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positivities even in hospital
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Jennifer of magnificasti mirabilia with created -- shalom!
River of My Verse with Great Things
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout with Tubular Tuesday
Apologies to those who've posted over the last few weeks and been missed!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Success Stories:
I've not had any alcohol.
I've not done any burning.
Instead of just being a follower like normal, I actually did a little bit of research into what laptop to buy, and then made an informed decision based on my needs.
I asked for what I wanted (my brother to help me out with my laptop) and negotiated to get it.
I finished up with one of my support people without falling apart. (Gail.)
I handled some important paperwork that I was afraid of dealing with, and then when there was an issue, I handled that too!
I dealt with salespeople and crowds on the same day!
I asked someone to get something of mine returned.
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes.
Spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Having a shiny new laptop! (Even better, a shiny new laptop that lets me tab out of my game so I can multitask!)
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Emotions aren't unsafe in and of themselves. It's okay to feel whatever I feel.
No emotion or thought can make me a 'bad person'.
It's okay to make mistakes and be imperfect.
I don't have to be everyone's everything.
Just because someone is angry or upset with me doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.
Don't forget to post up your own version of Sanguine Saturday (any day, any format as long as it's positive-focused!) and shoot me the link! If you're joining us in this challenge, I want to know about it. Finally, of course, don't forget to check out this week's list of Sanguine Saturday versions:
Sairs of This Lunatic Express with Positivities even in hospital
Lua of Almost Positive with Weekend Positivity
Jennifer of magnificasti mirabilia with created -- shalom!
River of My Verse with Great Things
Ebullire of Reflections Upon A Brussel Sprout with Tubular Tuesday
Apologies to those who've posted over the last few weeks and been missed!
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sanguine Sunday Morning
I think it's safe to say that this week I am, emotionally, not doing very well. On the other hand, part of the reason for doing so shockingly is actually a positive thing -- I've stopped drinking again.
I apologise for the lack of SS linkage this week, by the way. I've hurt my right arm and in a remarkable display of bad timing, my laptop decided to die a colourless (and very frustrating) death. My brother has lent me his little netbook for now, but of course, it lacks all my bookmarks etc (but I'm not complaining - somebody else's little netbook is a billion times better than no access to a computer at all!).
Success Stories:
I've not had a drink since Tuesday.
I've continued practicing eating on cam (for what little of the week I've had access to one!).
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes
Music
Books
My brother's generosity
My friends are amazing and wonderful
I have the best best friend ever
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Recovery is a rose. Not getting it perfect isn't the same as failing.
Yes, this is scary, but I can do this!
What other people say or think about me doesn't change who I am.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
I apologise for the lack of SS linkage this week, by the way. I've hurt my right arm and in a remarkable display of bad timing, my laptop decided to die a colourless (and very frustrating) death. My brother has lent me his little netbook for now, but of course, it lacks all my bookmarks etc (but I'm not complaining - somebody else's little netbook is a billion times better than no access to a computer at all!).
Success Stories:
I've not had a drink since Tuesday.
I've continued practicing eating on cam (for what little of the week I've had access to one!).
Gratitudes/Happy Things:
Giraffes
Music
Books
My brother's generosity
My friends are amazing and wonderful
I have the best best friend ever
Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
Recovery is a rose. Not getting it perfect isn't the same as failing.
Yes, this is scary, but I can do this!
What other people say or think about me doesn't change who I am.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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