Everything about me seems to contradict itself at the moment. I'm restless, agitated... but I feel so exhausted, so heavy and slow. I feel like I'm two people all the time. It's not awful, I'm not suffering terribly or anything like that, but it is very uncomfortable. It may be a side effect of starting the Lexapro or it may be unrelated.. at this stage, the cause doesn't matter (because it's not appropriate to try and fix it just yet). I'm learning to TOLERATE my discomfit, and that's important.
A few days ago, at my appointment with Carol, I handed over a couple of poems and blog posts I had printed for her. One of the posts was the one I wrote about perhaps exploring my memories and the other was the post I wrote as I recognised that my child-self was an actual child. While she read the older one, Carol reached for the tissues. "Oh, [dawni]," she said. Just that, twice. "Oh, [dawni]". She wiped at her eyes and finished reading before we discussed what was written. I, naturally, couldn't remember much of what was written, because I tend to dissociate myself somewhat from my own expressions. (Actually, I suspect I might sound somewhat snobbish or pretentious when I write, and so I am very anxious about the idea of someone reading it and thinking of me in that way.) In the end, Carol read the entry aloud. I forgot the words I had used. I hadn't realised the power my own words held.
I don't know if my words hold as much power for others, but that session strengthened my resolve to write my story. I started some time ago, small snippets, but I allowed the project to fall by the wayside. "Why", I kept asking myself, "would anyone be interested?" It wasn't until this week that I realised, really realised, that it doesn't matter if nobody else is interested. I want to write my story for myself. It will be hard, and it will take me a long time, but there is so much I can gain from 'speaking' my story.
Cheerleading and Challenge Statements:
Everything I feel right now is okay, but what I choose to do about those feelings is up to me.
I am not a bad person.
If I can put my stuff aside in order to help someone I care about, then I can put my stuff aside in order to help myself in the long term, too.
It's okay to feel unsettled. I can tolerate that, and eventually it will ease.
I have the knowledge, the ability, the skills, to cope with anything that comes my way.
I'll see you tomorrow for Sanguine Saturday. Until then, take care of yourselves, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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It makes me anxious when people read what I've written too. Strange that we choose to blog, right. I guess it's more watching them read what I've written or reading it back to me. I too, tend to dissociate when having to hear my own writing when I'm in the presents of others. I'd probably freak out altoether if the therapist started crying.
ReplyDeleteYes, you should write your story! Would love to read it.
I can also understand the difficulty with people reading stuff you've wrote. I'm really self-conscious of my writing, but I find it helpful for me to put words on my experience. You totally should write your story. I'd read it.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is amazing and inspirational, as are you, my sweetness ♥ I can not wait to see your story xx
ReplyDeleteStacy: Yeah, it was... it was definitely weird, sitting there knowing she was needing tissues from something I've written.
ReplyDeleteCID: Thank you. I find it helpful as well, especially when I can be brave enough to share it with someone else!
Butterfly: Love you too, sweetheart. I hope you're not allowing yourself to forget how amazing and inspirational you are, as well.
I actually can't tolerate someone reading stuff I've written out loud. It really upsets me. I'm glad you were able to do that and I take my hat off to you, that is awesome. It's good that you found it helpful too. I'm glad that you can see you are a good writer because it's not always easy to see yourself the way others do :-)
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah