Eight years ago, I donned my fairytale dress. I stood in front of my family and my friends and I promised to share my life with him, and only him, for as long as we both should live. We promised each other forever.
A lot has changed. Two years ago, we finalised our divorce: signed all the papers, made it official that things between us were over. I still hate that word, divorce. I hate the finality, the way I feel like a failure when I apply it to us.
Today he has a new relationship, a new family. I'm supposed to have moved on as well, and sometimes I think I have. And sometimes... sometimes I'm still so sad for all that we had that is gone. It's hard to move on without accepting it, but it's hard to accept it without moving on. I'm not even sure I want to accept it, sometimes. I know that might sound a bit silly, but accepting it means giving up even the ghost of a hope that it might be different some day. I suppose it probably sounds even sillier to those who know a bit more about our relationship. Still... I'm afraid to give up that hope.
It's like I live a fairytale, in my head. Like I think if I just hold on long enough, things will work out in the end, just like in a romantic comedy. I really need to challenge those thoughts. Life isn't a story, it's not going to work like the movies. It doesn't matter how long I hold onto him in my mind - I'm still not going to get him back. And the truth is, I don't really want him back. What I want is for my life to have gone the direction it was headed in five years ago. I want to be 22, again, with the world at my feet. And I can't have that, so it's time to let it go. It's time to learn how to want to be 27, 28, 29, 30. It's time to learn how to want to be something I can actually achieve. It's time to make new goals, time to make a new life for myself.
Tonight I'm going to let myself feel the sadness, the loss. Tonight I'll let myself cry for the woman who promised forever to someone who didn't keep it; for the hopes and the dreams and everything that we shared that never came to fruition. But tomorrow?
Tomorrow I'm going to remember that this isn't an ending, this is just another new beginning. And it's my choice what I do with that.
Cheer-leading Statements:
What we had is over. It's okay to feel sad about that.
Life doesn't work like the movies.
Sometimes it's more important to let go.
I can survive this. I can tolerate this, and anything else that comes my way.
Being divorced doesn't make me a complete failure as a person.
Take care of yourselves until next time, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.
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I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Don't give up though. And you're life is still very much still ahead of you. Just wait until your knocking on 40s door and then you can feel like that way. You can just know that you've learned all sorts of life skills at a pretty young age.
ReplyDeleteGood use of skills. Acceptance, validating your emotions and letting yourself feel them, being in the moment.
I hope tomorrow you're new beginning starts off well.
"Being divorced doesn't make me a complete failure as a person."
ReplyDeletein fact, imo, it doesn't make you even a little bit of a failure as a person.
i remember when i had to realize that life isn't like movies. maybe it was a autism thing, or maybe just a me thing, but i really believed that life happened like movies. that there was a hero in each story, a best friend (or circle of friends) that would always be there, and that if you waited long enough (sometimes through endless sequels!) there would be the ending you expected and wanted.
it was actually quite a revelation to realize that isn't how things really work. life is change, and pathways crossing and meandering away again, and surprise.
i find it's easier this way, actually, than the movie way. the movie way requires so much damn holding on... its exhausting.